Change Heartache Into Courage
by Pixiestick-cc
Summary: The battle with Victoria and her Newborns resulted in the death of two vampires of the Cullen clan. Can those left behind ever find solace again? Jasper/Bella pairing. A slow build, but well worth the wait! Rated T/Soft M. Sparkle Award Winner. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Change Heartache Into Courage

**Fandom**: Twilight Saga

**Pairing**: Jasper/Bella

**Rating**: T, but there will be parts of this story that contain a Soft M rating. I will give warning beforehand.

**Summary**: The battle with Victoria and her newborn vampire army resulted in the death of two vampires of the Cullen clan. Can those left behind ever find solace again? A Jasper/Bella pairing with a slow build, but its well worth the wait!

**Warnings**: This story takes the ending of the book Eclipse and changes it drastically. So, if you haven't read the first three books than beware of spoilers. Also I am not Stephenie Meyer and these are not my characters ... I'm just borrowing them for awhile.

Enjoy!

* * *

I sat across the room from her sleeping form. She lay there still, peaceful. For that I could take credit. Although, I was not sure how I was able to emanate emotions of well being upon the sleeping girl when my own were in such turmoil, but I did. I had to. Alice had willed it so.

"Watch over Bella."

Her words rang in my ears like nails on a chalk board.

"Why!" I wanted to yell out. "Why have you delegated this task to me when all I want to do is disappear? I want to cease to be. How could you leave me with such a responsibility?"

My eyes wandered to her again. A mixture of sympathy and anger washed over me and in that moment I lost my concentration. I could no longer keep her from suffering and I saw her jerk. A quick movement. Then a thrash. I had to regain control. I labored to force myself to become calm, but not soon enough. I could feel Bella's own emotions breaking through. Her sadness began to permeate the tiny room we occupied and then a scream, but not just a wordless yell. It was a name. His name. The name of her dead love.

Edward.

I was quick and knew her eyes would soon open after the call for Edward. As discretely as a vampire was able I removed myself from her room through the window. She would be none the wiser. Soon her father, Charlie would be there to comfort her and my services would no longer be required. This was how the three previous nights had been. Three nights I spent helping her sleep. Although, I could never keep my own suffering from escaping the hole I had buried it in since Alice's death and so, Bella's reprieve from pain would always end with the same shrill sound … a scream for Edward. The first night she had bolted up right in bed. I wasn't nearly as quick as I should have been largely, because I had not anticipated myself faltering so miserably in calming her. I should have known I would be unable to keep my own grief at bay. The battle that had claimed both Alice and Edward had only taken place 24 hours before. In my hesitation to leave I saw Bella squint into the darkness. "Edward …" her voice was tentative, but also raw from sobbing.

The window had been open and I swiftly exited through it before her human eyes realized that I was not the vampire she hoped for. After that night I vowed never to make the same mistake again. To assume I possessed the ability to drown my sadness was foolish. I may have been a vampire, but I was no stronger than a human when the subject came to suffering the loss of a loved one.

Now I stood outside Bella's window after having successfully made my escape and listened for her father's voice. Although, I expected to feel his strong concern before his soothing words began. "Bells?" I heard Charlie whisper from behind her door.

In response his heart broken girl let out a stifled sob as if she had buried her face into a pillow. Her father was quick to react. The door squeaked open which was followed by heavy footsteps that ended in the noise of a bed frame protesting from too much weight. "Oh Bella, It's okay, sweetheart. Shhhhh. You'll be okay."

She pulled in a ragged breath and struggled to answer him, "No Dad. I … I feel like he (sob) Edward was … he was here. He was in here." Her voice broke off into a wail.

From my position outside, Bella's grief bore down on me. The sensation of this was unbearable not only, because she suffered greatly for Edward, but because her pain mirrored my own. A stabbing ache began around my tear ducts. I knew there would be no tears, but I wished there could have been. Any release from my tortured emotions would have been heaven. "I'm sorry, Alice. I just can't. I can't." I whispered to no one and then began to run.

I moved with lightening speed wanting nothing more than to leave behind the agony I felt, but even as I placed miles between myself and the grieving girl my dead heart still ached. The pain remained in the same fevered state it had been since the night Alice was killed. No matter how much I tried to place those emotions down into the hole I had made specifically for them, they still encompassed me. I was able to focus the pain down to a low dull ache when my mind was on Bella … when I was watching over my ward, so to speak. Yet, now as I ran with nothing to keep my thoughts from wandering onto the subject I wished not to revisit – the image of Alice – her mangled vampire corpse unmoving as orange flames licked her charred remains… I found myself going directly to that place.

_NO!_

I would not see it. I refused. She would never look like that again in my mind. I searched and searched my brain for anything else … for a moment where the two of us were together, in love and without worry. I tried, but failed only being able to recall the last night we spent together. There had been worry, but we still had been in love and hopeful that all would end well during our battle with Victoria and her newborn vampire creations.

How wrong we had been.

Regardless, I let my mind wander back to that night …

I had entered our room to find my love waiting.

"Alice, do you know what you are doing to me by wearing that outfit?"

The woman I spoke to playfully twirled around in front of me with an impish smile on her face, "Oh, I know. Why do you think I decided to wear this?" she winked.

Alice continued to spin until she collided with me, "The outfit I wore the day we met." She mused and then placed her arms around my waist.

I did likewise and pulled her closer. I knew why she was wearing this. Having been with Alice and in love with her for so many years had provided me with the ability to see through her ploys. She was trying to distract me and force my mind out of the worry that had occupied it since she had told me of her vision. The image she had seen of both her and Edward dead.

"I'm amazed it still fits. I would have thought after all this time you would have put on a few pounds." I playfully slapped her thigh and her bell like laughter filled the room.

I felt nothing, but unconditional love radiating from the woman I held. Love, with also a bit of mischief mixed in. I leaned in to kiss those lips I had tasted a thousand times before when with vampire speed she placed an index finger against my lips, halting me. Then slowly and I might add a bit seductively she removed her finger from my mouth down towards the top button of her blouse. "Would a Southern Gentleman do me the honor of removing my heavy clothing?" She horrendously murdered the heavy accent of my youth and I had to laugh.

She did not have to say anymore. I quickly hoisted her legs up around my waist and carried her over to our bed which had never once been used for sleeping. Our lovemaking that night had been beyond any other experience we had shared. A mixture of fear had mingled with our desire for each other. The fear of losing the love we had found. The fear that all we had together would soon be coming to an end.

That was also the night she had made her request. "Jasper …" Alice had whispered into my bare chest as we clung to each other in bed. She did not wait for me to respond and I felt her apprehension intensify. "You must watch over Bella … if …" She could not force the words out, but I knew.

She paused for a moment in an attempt to regain her courage and then continued, "Bella lost Edward once and it nearly killed her. I'm afraid having him torn from her again would throw her over the edge."

In the darkness I saw her large amber eyes stare pleadingly up at me, but all I could do was nod. To speak would be to lose my composure and I did not want Alice to know how truly terrified I was.


	2. Chapter 2

From my position in bed I searched out the large red glowing numbers that would tell me the time. I eventually found them on my nightstand, only through the haze of early morning confusion I struggled to see the time clearly. Placing the back of my hands against my eyelids, I rubbed to clear my vision and it worked.

6:12am.

Only 3 hours had passed since the last time I woke and it dawned on me that this broken sleep pattern was becoming the norm. I could only mange a few hours at a time, before my hellish memories thrust me back out into the real nightmare - my life. Still I was thankful for sleep no matter how fleeting those moments were. While asleep I was able to escape the truth that berated me as soon as my eyes opened.

_Edward._

Even the thought of his name caused a feeling of grief to grasp at my chest as if it were being ripped open. This usually was followed by an ever present scream that would rattle inside my throat wanting release. Yet, as I laid there, my mind filled with Edward, I did not have the urge to scream and I knew why. Doing so would bring about Charlie and even though I loved my dad and appreciated his attempts to calm me I sensed that my pain was causing him great emotional distress. For that reason I was able to control myself enough and place his needs before my own.

I was thankful that there was no cry of horror to be quelled. The shock of his death had already been released earlier. three hours before. Charlie had come then and somehow I had been able to fall back to sleep in his arms. The last thing I remembered was of him stroking my hair while murmuring something or other. Now he was no where to be seen and this led me to believe that my dad must have returned to his own bed. Good. I was glad he too had been able to find sleep again.

I heaved a heavy sigh then and sat up in bed. Pulling my knees up under my chin I hugged my legs tightly against my breasts. This little action seemed to help with the constant ache that pulled at my chest or so I had learned during the course of my three days of grief.

_Three Days. Has it really been that recent since his death?_

As much as I wished to escape back into the darkness of sleep I could not avoid the subject of what this day would bring. The dress I had laid out for it stared at me from across the room. It was draped over the chair that Edward had sometimes occupied during his nightly visits to see me. When he had watched me sleep. I trapped the sob as it began to develop in my throat.

_No!_

I would not lose myself so early into this day. I glanced back at the chair. It was just an old rocking chair. If anything I should have nothing but pleasant thoughts for the ancient piece of furniture. Hadn't mom rocked me to sleep in it all those years ago? The cry I fought to stifle began to dissolve as I let the image of my mother rocking a newborn child form inside my head. There. I had been able to completely pull myself from spiraling downward. I still had my whits about me. I moved my eyes back over to the dress that had originally been the object I sought out to look at. The choice of today's attire had been made yesterday during one of my few moments of sanity. The outfit had never been worn. A too fancy gift from mom a couple years back, "Every girl needs a little black dress." She had stated then.

Yes, every girl needs a little black dress … to wear to a funeral, especially when the service being held is for your fiancée and his sister who by the way also happened to be your best friend.

My dark train of thought released the beast that tore at my chest and I relinquished control. I did not have the strength to fight him off again. The noise that erupted from my mouth was piercing to my ears. I wasn't even sure if I screamed anything coherent. I simply heard noise. As soon as my agony was released though, right on cue, Charlie was knocking on my door.

"I'm sorry, Dad." I sputtered, still working on gaining control of my voice.

There was no response, just a turn of my door knob followed by Charlie walking in. One of his hands held a mug full of steaming liquid. On closer inspection I recognized it to be coffee. A groan escaped my lips. If coffee had been brewed then this probably meant Charlie had never gone back to sleep after my 3am scream fest.

"Now I know you don't drink coffee, but I figured you might need this considering what today is." My Dad placed the drink on my headboard and made a seat for himself next to me.

I saw no reason to protest and grasped the handle of the cup bringing the brim to my lips. I quickly gulped down the burning liquid and gave Charlie the barest indication of a smile before saying, "Thanks."

His reply was to softly pat my back. "Jake is downstairs whenever you feel like getting up."

I nodded, vaguely recalling that my friend Jacob Black had offered to accompany me to the funeral along with Charlie. Things just seemed so blurred since Edward's death. I could remember events, people, words but it always felt like I was staring at my life through a dense fog. I wondered if clarity would ever return. At least I had Jacob through all this. I could count on him to be there for me during what I was sure would be the hardest thing I would ever have to live through. I knew this, because he had been my rock before when my life had fallen apart not too long ago.

I shouldn't have been surprised that my friend had arrived so early in the morning. Every day since Edward was killed Jake had been there. I did not always see him, mostly because a large chunk of my time was now spent in my room, but on occasion I did venture out for necessities. Those times usually brought me in contact with Jacob. I wondered how long he would stick around if my life continued on in this endless cycle of bed, bathroom, food and then back to bed.

But, when I finally did emerge from my room hours later there was Jake, his long legs sprawled across the living room couch where he slept. I slowly approached him and before waking him I watched him sleep. His face seemed so angelic in that state – lips slightly parted the low rumble of a snore escaping them – a far cry from enraged werewolf he had been three nights ago. The image of Jacob as the massive animal he could become never ceased to shock me. I think I much preferred him in his human state, especially now, docile and quiet.

"Jake." I softly whispered into his ear.

"Huh?" his eyes shot open and settled upon me.

A slow recognition crossed his features and he pulled himself up into a seated position. "Bella … what time is it?" He ran his fingers through the tangled mess that was his dark hair.

I made a seat for myself next to him, "It's nearly time." I replied and absent mindedly began to smooth the wrinkles out of the black satin dress I wore.

Jacob took a hold of one of my wandering hands and enveloped it with his own. "How are you?" His eyes were searching.

How could I answer such a question? Wasn't it obvious to all what a basket case I had become? How I was able to pull myself from bed in order to shower and dress and then eventually make it to where I now sat was a mystery, yet here I was. I must have been well enough for the time being. "Able to go through with this." My voice was barely a whisper.

"We could just stay here. You don't have to put yourself through this, Bella."

I shook my head in response to his suggestion, "No, I have to."

He waited for me to continue … for an explanation as to why I had to, but I gave no more information. Jacob couldn't possibly grasp the feeling of loss I felt at this moment and the reason why I had the need to put myself through even more suffering in order to attend the funeral of the vampire I loved.

I paused in my thoughts as the picture of another vampire entered my head. I could only think of one other who might know exactly how I felt at this moment … someone who was experiencing pain to the exact same degree as I was.

_Jasper_.

So consumed with my own grief I had not until now thought about Edward's vampire brother. No doubt he was feeling the same emotions I was. I don't know why my mind went there, but I wondered how he was coping … if he would even be able to attend Alice and Edward's funeral. I knew it was taking all the effort I was able to muster in order to make the trip from my home to the Cullen's residence … where the memorial service was being held. What would Jasper do? He would not be able to escape it. He lived there.

"Bella …"

Jacob's deep voice pulled me out of my reverie. I looked up into his eyes and with all the courage I could draw from my inner core I said, "Let's go."


	3. Chapter 3

After escaping Bella's room during the early morning hours, my feet eventually brought me back to the place Alice and I had called home. I could see no movement coming from inside, but as I approached the front entrance I instantly was assaulted with feelings of grief. Those feelings were no where near the level of intensity as the ones I had recently departed from at Bella's yet, they still were enough to keep me from entering. Instead I wandered over to one of the fold out chairs that had been set up on the lawn for the funeral. I saw no reason to put myself in contact with such raw emotions when my own could not be settled.

My whole family was dealing with loss at the moment, but I supposed Bella and I were about equals in our grief. Having spent 3 nights watching her sleep had indicated to me the depth of loss she felt. It surprised me at first. To think a human was capable of feeling such love for a vampire was unusual to say the least. When her and Edward had come in contact with me I had always felt incredible love radiating off of the two, but the thought that Bella would feel exactly the same as I did after losing Edward just did not seem right. Alice and I were vampires and once our kind finds a mate there is no limit to the depth our love will go. Somehow as a human Bella had managed to experience love as only a vampire could.

Taking notice then of where I sat, I realized that all the preparations for the funeral had been set up during my earlier absence. I saw that there were only a few other white metal chairs surrounding my own and this in turn brought Carlisle words from earlier to mind, "To invite more than a few humans would bring about questions and unneeded attention."

This had been fine with me. Most often vampires did not even bother to hold such services. If anything at all was done it was a solitary event between the dead and the mate they had left behind. In Alice's case this was me. Still the life I had chosen to live with Alice and the rest of the Cullens had created a bit of a quandary. When humans die they mourn the loss with a funeral and so, to continue with the charade of being one of them we needed to hold a service for both Alice and Edward. To not do so would seem odd. At this point in my existence most decisions were made without my input. I was a vampire, but in truth I felt more like a zombie … lifeless except in my pain. So, when the idea of a funeral had been brought up I did not fight for my right to mourn in private. Deep down I knew that Bella would have need to express a goodbye for Edward in the only way a human would be able to - a public service. Once she had been able to say her farewell I would then say mine to Alice, on my own.

Just then my thoughts abruptly came to an end when my eyes caught sight of the front entrance to the house open and close revealing my sister Rosalie. She headed in my direction and I instinctively braced myself. For some reason Rosalie was the last person I wanted to see. Against my inner wishes though her beautiful long legs strode nearer, yet in a slow pace as if gauging what my reaction would be. Soon she came close enough to where I could sense her emotions. Sadness, but also frustration.

"Jasper?" Her voice was soft as she pulled up a chair next to mine and sat down.

I made no indication that I was willing to talk. In fact this was probably the first time a member of my vampire family had approached me for conversation. Mostly I was told what was going on with no expectation for me to answer. Rosalie was breaking the ice.

"Jasper …" she began again. I felt a surge of courage spill off of her, "Why do you do it?"

The wind slightly tousled a lock of her flaxen hair and I had the sudden urge to pull a chuck of it from her head, because I knew exactly what she meant. "What concern is it to you?" I glared at her through the darkness.

I assumed she had guessed my whereabouts these last few evenings due to Bella's scent lingering on me when I returned. The look and feel of shock had been so apparent across her features the first time I walked through the door after helping Bella sleep. She had said nothing then and I now let out a low scoff. It had only taken her three days to garner enough courage to call me out on my extracurricular activities.

Rosalie seemed unfazed by my irritation and continued, "Edward is dead." She paused and I could feel true sadness escape from her at having said his name, "There is no need for you to be around her anymore. Some good has come from all this misery. Bella will no longer have the need to become a vampire."

Control over my anger waned and I began to seethe disgust for the vampire I sat next to. Some good?! What good? "So, having Alice and Edward be viciously murdered during battle was well worth all the suffering, because Bella no longer has to become a vampire. Do you realize how unfeeling you sound, Rosalie?"

She instantly became defensive and placed a finger in the air trying to halt my words. "Let me explain, Jasper. I didn't mean that at all. Of course, it is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to us as a family, but to continue and lump Bella in with our mourning will only make things worse in the long run. There is no need for us to continue to coddle her."

I could not control myself then and shot to my feet. My voice transformed from the low rumble I began with into an abrupt hiss. I knew my anger was apparent to Rosalie. I did not try to keep it in check and the hazard of having the ability to manipulate emotions is that those around you can also feel yours if you let them and I made sure that she felt mine. "You have no idea how both Bella and I feel right now. NO IDEA!"

The fury I felt at my sister's insensitive words surprised not only Rosalie, but me as well. She had not anticipated my reaction and her lovely full lips parted in shock.

"Rosalie!" A shout came from the house.

Both of us turned our heads at the exact same moment to see Emmett standing there holding the front door open.

In a quick movement the object of my anger clasped her mouth shut and rushed off towards her mate.

I thought I saw Emmett mouth "I'm sorry." Before both him and Rosalie disappeared inside leaving me and my anger behind. I could only imagine that Emmett had not agreed with Rosalie's decision to talk with me.

I quickly fell back down into my seat and contemplated Rosalie's accusation that I was coddling a human. Did she really feel that Bella could so easily be erased from all of our lives? To easily disregard someone someone who had become part of our inner circle was extremely cruel. Although, I was not entirely surprised at her apathy towards Bella's pain. From the start she was at odds with Edward's choice to become involved with a non vampire. Still I wondered ... was this only Rosalie's view on things or did all the others feel the same.

Would they too abandon Bella?

Alice's plea echoed in my head once more, "Watch over her."

Even though I had abandoned my post earlier I vowed at that moment to never leave Bella suffering alone again. Rosalie's words had had the opposite effect she intended. As long as Bella Swan needed me I would be there.


	4. Chapter 4

Jake continued to hold my hand all throughout our ride to the memorial service. We had taken his Rabbit as opposed to my truck. I was in no condition to drive and although, I could have ridden as a passenger in my own vehicle the thought of getting anywhere near it almost make me convulse. Just about everything I looked at now had a sort of six degrees of Kevin Bacon connection to Edward, but my truck, like the rocking chair in my room, held a special association to my relationship with him. The first trip to our meadow had been made in my truck.

_Our meadow. _

My chest constricted as the image of the place where our relationship had first been sealed came to mind. Jacob could sense the sudden shift in my mood and squeezed my hand tight. His eyes darted quickly in my direction.

"Are you okay? Do you want to head back home?"

I rubbed my free hand against my chest trying to calm the feeling of panic, "No … we are almost there. I'm fine, really." I gave him a reassuring smile that could not have been more fake.

"Hmmph." Jacob sounded skeptical and I thought I heard the word martyr mixed in with his mumble, but he let the issue go and I was glad.

The fact that I had to not only convince myself and Charlie, but now Jake that I was able to attend the funeral was a bit frustrating, if not annoying. I knew they were only concerned for my well being, but it wasn't as if I was attending a wake. I was pretty sure that if Edward was present in any form at all it would be inside an urn. A dead body to look at or weep over was simply impossible. If there was a body then that would mean Edward was still capable of existing. Vampires were not vanquished so easily and whoever had taken both him and Alice down had done their job thoroughly. Of course, I had not seen their bodies. My last mental picture of Edward had him with me and very much unborn. Jasper though had not been as lucky with Alice. I shuddered to think what he may have seen … an image so horrible that it no doubt would forever be seared into his psyche. Thankfully my final reflection of Edward was of him rushing off to help Alice.

"Is she hurt? Where's Jasper?" I had asked him.

"I'm not sure." Edward replied squinting his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose as if that would help him hear the thoughts of Alice more clearly, "Her voice is weak. All I can make out is a call for help, but I can't see anything."

"Then go!" I prompted him, "I'll be fine. Victoria has already been dealt with and Seth is here to watch over me if any other newborns decide to nose around." I tilted my head in the direction of the werewolf who sat a few paces from us.

Edward seemed to struggle a bit with the thought of leaving me, so I took on a more authoritative tone, "Get out of here! Alice needs you!"

I had been leaning against a tree during our conversation when suddenly my fiancée pushed me so hard with his cold body against it that I felt the sharp pain of tree bark digging into my flesh. "I'll be back." He promised, "Keep yourself alive for me, okay."

I half expected to see his infamous crooked grin spread across his mouth, but Edward's lips stayed firm in all seriousness and intensity. "Sure." I said in a rush of over stimulated emotions.

He kissed me then, crushing my body further into the tree. It hurt, but in a good way. When we pulled apart Edward placed a lingering hand on my cheek and gazed intently into my eyes. Then in a whoosh of wind he was gone.

I had not thought to ask him the same in return, "Keep yourself alive for me, okay."

A single tear escaped my eye as I recalled him leaving me. I let it slid down my check unchecked. To wipe it away would alert Jacob and I did not want him to see this and try to convince me to go home again. I was sure my friend would have never actually forced his hand, but he could be persuasive if the situation called for it. How weird it was to think that although 2 years younger than me Jake sometimes felt like an older brother … my protector in a way. He had actually been the first to deliver me the news of Edward and Alice's demise. He had been there … saw the burning bodies and then left to comfort me when Jasper discovered the scene. I shook off that memory. Although, I surmised there was not much too it, because soon afterward everything had turned dark. Even when I finally emerged from my unconsciousness a few hours later the blackness never truly went away.

"We're here, Bella."

So lost in thought was I that we had managed to arrive at the Cullen's before I was able to mentally ready myself. The panic rose once again in my chest and so attuned to my emotions was Jacob that he instantly recognized my anxiety. He pulled me into a crushing hug and I rested my check against his chest. The sound of his heartbeat thudded against my skin.

_Can I really do this? Am I ready to say goodbye?_

All the effort I had put forth in my room earlier willing myself able to attend and here I was freaking out again. Screw this! I couldn't turn back now. We were already here. I had to get a hold of my emotions. I began to focus on the rhythm of Jacob's heart as a way to calm myself when the shock of an unexpected knock at my window instantly caused me to jerk away. I turned my head to see Charlie standing there with a concerned look on his face. He had been following behind us in his cruiser, but obviously now he was out of his car.

"Is everything alright?" He yelled through the door.

Nodding in my dad's direction, I pulled the Rabbit's door handle and stumbled out into his arms.

_Stupid heels. _

The only appropriate footwear I owned that went with a little black dress had been the pair of black heels I now wore. To be expected, considering my tastes tended to be more in the sneaker and flip flop direction; the flashy shoes had not been purchased by me. They instead were a present from the extremely fashion conscious Alice. At the thought of her I instantly felt guilty for calling them stupid.

Charlie half-smiled at my clumsiness and helped pull me back into a correct posture. Then with Jacob on one side and Charlie on the other, I managed to find a seat at the service without falling flat on my face. Once settled I made it my mission to remove the shoes and rub the tiny blisters that had begun forming on my feet. I continued to do this even after they felt comfortable again and I came to realize that this action was my way of escaping reality. As long as I focused on the task at hand – my feet – then I was able to block out where I was. Besides, I reasoned, my feet were in dire need of attention. Staring at them for so long made me see how ill cared for they really were and I switched from rubbing them to chipping off the remaining black nail polish I had impulsively painted my toes with a month back. Edward had laughed at my choice of color then.

"I guess it is appropriate for the girlfriend of a vampire to want to go goth eventually." I remembered him joking and despite myself a smile found its way to my lips.

In fact I was not only able to smile, but my feelings in general were significantly improved as if all the time spent pampering my feet had calmed me down enough to where I was now brave enough to look up. For even though I had walked the length of the lawn to where I now sat, my eyes had been continually fixed downward - partly because I was afraid of tripping in my heels, but also because I was terrified in general of seeing the setting of Edward's funeral. Yet, now with new courage surging through my body, I attempted my first look. I had not been expecting the first thing my eyes to come in contact with to be another set of eyes. Only unlike my brown the color this pair was swimming in was an unmistakable vampire ocher.


	5. Chapter 5

_Damn it, Rosalie!_

I could not read my sister's emotions clearly enough to guess the intent behind her staring at Bella. I felt like she was trying to block herself from me … if that were at all possible. Without a doubt, I was sure that if anyone could attain that ability then it would be someone with the resolve of Rosalie. I let out a low sigh of frustration. All of my work trying to lift Bella from her distraught state had been wasted for as soon as her human eyes met Rosalie's vampire gaze, Bella's muscles stiffened and instantly darkness shrouded her emotions once more. She turned her eyes downward and returned to examining her feet with such intensity that one might have thought she was performing brain surgery.

Rosalie sat not too far from where I was gathered together with the rest of my family. All 5 of us had taken up the front row of folding chairs set out for the funeral. To my right sat Carlisle and Esme and on the opposite side of me were my brother and sister. I eyed Emmett and determined that if he had not been creating a wall of protection for Rosalie I might have rushed at the blond beauty just then. She deserved as much. I cared not that the setting wasn't ideal for a vampire brawl. Ever since trying to persuade me to let Bella fall to the wayside last night I had developed a seething resentment towards Rosalie. That emotion had only festered in the hours since. Before then I might have viewed her less than desirable qualities – selfishness, stubbornness, vanity – as merely annoying, but now that my sister had decided to involve me personally in that behavior, I saw her in a new light.

I wasn't sure why her words had bothered me so greatly, but they did and now as I viewed Rosalie continue to stare down Bella like a hunter watching it's prey I became livid. Instead of giving in to my anger though, I let what little control I had left seep through my bones. As a result my state became relaxed enough where I was able to transform my desire to cause Rosalie pain into a hiss of irritation. This sound caused her eyes to narrow in my direction and she jerked around in her seat leaving poor Bella, who sat 5 rows behind us, alone. Emmett placed one of his large arms around Rosalie's shoulders and she leaned into him. I was not sure if his gesture was to comfort his mate or a warning to me. Perhaps a bit of both. Regardless, I decided to ignore the two and returned my attention to the one who truly deserved it.

_Bella_.

Seeking out her emotions once more, I felt a rush of sadness from Bella so forceful that I would liken the feeling to being sucker punched. I drew in a sharp breath, not because I needed air, but more as a reflex left over from my human days. I struggled for a bit with the intensity of Bella's feelings until I was able to lessen its effects on me. I was loathe to admit that here, outside of the confines of her small bedroom, I found it a bit more difficult to soothe her troubled condition. It had taken me nearly 10 minutes to break through her barrier of depression before. This would have been something so simple for the old Jasper to accomplish… the Jasper who although unborn was still very much alive in the eyes of Alice. Now, after her death, I was not in my best form and that coupled with the wide array of emotions I felt belonging to those attending the funeral, my talents faltered. It was then that I realized I had never actually tried soothing Bella in such a public place before.

Three nights I had spent in her bedroom watching and helping her sleep. Before that we had shared a hotel room with Alice during our short stint in Phoenix. I recalled helping her sleep then too. Now I was attempting to calm her while she was very much awake. I wondered if Bella would detect the artificial happiness I showered upon her. Alice had always commented on how my manipulation of emotion was like an artificial sweetener … good, but not quite as tasty as the original. Of course, neither of us knew for sure since we had both been changed before any sugar substitute was invented.

Before this funeral thrust Bella and me together, I had not really seen the need to be around her during the waking hours. I knew her friend Jacob spent his days inside the Swan home and so, I felt in unnecessary to remain off in the shadows where the keen smell of a werewolf was sure to pick up the odor of vampire. It was better to remain stealthy in my deeds. Besides, I reasoned, Bella and I had never been terribly close during her time with Edward. In fact it had not been so long ago when her blood was spilled due to my failure at self control. I doubted the person I once tried to kill would want any emotional help from me. So, I concluded it was better to stay in the dark where I would not be discovered. Luckily being a vampire made it so I was well accustomed to staying out of the light.

Still today I felt the need to pull Bella from her emotional stress even though the two of us were surrounded by multiple mourners in broad daylight ... well, the best at daylight a rainy town like Forks could offer. After sensing the depth of her anguish as she walked the length of the lawn with her head down, I saw no other choice. I needed to fulfill Alice's wishes.

With Bella's emotions no longer attacking my senses, I moved back to the task at hand … calming Bella. I decided to search deeper in an attempt to understand Bella's mood. By doing so I would be able to pull her out of her well of despair more easily. Anyone would have been able to look at the girl and see the intensity of depression she felt. That emotion was so prevalent upon her face that she could not hide it, but what the normal human eye would not be able to see etched in her features was the longing. My vampire enhanced skills of empathy reveled that she felt such a strong yearning layered underneath all of her pain, but for what? Bella was longing … for Edward? I could not see any other choice that would fit properly.

Closing my eyes to concentrate better, I willed myself to find calm. The emotion was not so easily found in someone like me who suffered, but I forged on until I reached the inside core of my body. Once located I let the feeling radiate through me until it vibrated my fingertips and toes. My eyes shot open then and with all the force I could muster I sent the calm towards Bella.

To my shock I saw that the receiver of my gift was no longer present in her little white fold out chair. Jacob and her father were still there, but the girl was gone.

Frantically I looked around and when my eyesight produced no Bella, I searched out her emotions. Having spent so much time working with them these past few nights had made me just as accustomed to her feelings as a normal human would be with a voice or face. I sensed sadness, but they were all vague in feel. I don't know why, but panic rose in me. I could not place the reason behind the sudden urge I felt to leave this gathering in search of the missing Bella, but it was there.

Without thought I stood. Four sets of eyes looked over me curiously. None of my family understood my panic, but I'm sure they knew it was there. I made no attempt to keep this from them. All were still as if anticipating my next move. Perhaps my sudden actions had confused them. I had not so much as shown I was alive since Alice's death and now I stood looking very much on edge … quite the change from zombie Jasper. Then I saw Carlisle fluidly rise. He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, "It's alright, Jasper. We will manage here without you." He spoke guessing my desire to leave.

I heard a feminine scoff behind me and I did not need to look in order to know who made the noise.

I nodded in response and instantly rushed away.

_Where are you, Bella?_


	6. Chapter 6

Why had I come here?

Such a stupid choice, almost masochistic … to place myself in the center of my anguish, but still I was here and of course the sight of Edward's bedroom caused me pain. Excruciating pain, but in an odd way I felt comfort in this pain. An oxymoron – comfort and pain, but to place myself in the room where he had been most present was what I craved at that moment.

Nothing had changed from the last time I was there. Only a few days before, I mused. The large bed he had bought for my sake still lay in the corner of his room, untouched since we had both laid in it together. The sheets were even a bit askew from where our bodies had spooned side by side, his cold arms wrapped around me. I slowly walked towards it and ran my hand across the fabric as the memory of him pulsed through me. The intensity was too much. I had to move away. It brought about thoughts of his promise to make love to me after I was his wife. A pledge that would never be fulfilled

I quickly headed away from this line of thinking by walking towards his room's large window. Outside I could see those who had gathered for the funeral. Somehow, from the second story height, the setting seemed less threatening. I no longer feared to look upon all that had been laid out in order to mourn the loss of Edward and Alice. I scanned the crowd and caught sight of Jacob. Still sitting and without a doubt anxiously awaiting my return. How long had I argued with him to let me use the restroom alone? I knew he was only looking out for my well being, but really couldn't he at least let me pee without a chaperon. I wasn't a baby.

Still, I acknowledge using the facilities had not been my only reason for venturing inside the large house Edward had once called home. Escape had been the true purpose. The need to escape the staring eyes. Well, one set in particular. I wasn't sure why Rosalie had felt the need to stare me down the way she had. Maybe she blamed me for the upset in her family and really who could blame her? It had been me who Victoria was after. I had been the reason for the fight against the newborns. So, yes … I had, in a way, caused the deaths of my fiancée and his sister. Rosalie had every right to despise me.

I despised me.

While continuing to swim in self loathing, I moved away from the window. I did not want to look down upon the scene of sadness I had created. This was entirely my fault. It was then in that instant when a stinging clarity rushed upon me like a guillotine's blade and truth revealed itself.

I had killed Edward.

As I contemplated this an intense rage filled me. I was angry with myself. Angry at the situation I had caused. In an impulsive move, my hands reached out and began pulling down the CDs Edward had so meticulously placed against his wall. The four I attacked fell to the hardwood floor with a loud clatter. The noise did not shock me into reality. Instead I felt my frustration boil and again I pulled at more of his music. All reason left me behind as they too fell off the wall. I yanked, pulled and destroyed everything in my sight. The fury I felt compelled me onward. Not only CD cases were the victims of my assault, but also books. All the books he had kept in such pristine condition ended up on the floor. I tore at them. Nothing was safe from my self hatred. I continued on without thought of what I was doing. I simply had the need to destroy. Anything was game.

Then as I was grasping a copy of 'Wuthering Heights' a sudden pain shot through one of my fingers. "Ow!" I exclaimed as the book fell from my hand.

I looked down at the injury site to see that one of my nails had been slightly ripped from the skin. Blood began to pool around the torn flesh and then slowly dripped onto the floor. This image - dark red falling away from my finger - brought me back to my senses.  
_  
Oh hell!_

The last thing I needed to do in the home of vampires was to stain their floor with blood. My mind raced. What did I need to do in order to clean this up, before any of them caught whiff of the rusty and salty smell they thirsted for? Thankfully, I knew that all of the Cullens were outside at the moment and wouldn't return to the house for awhile. That was unless Jacob alerted any of them of my prolonged absence. With this in mind, I quickly set to righting the wrong. I remembered that in their kitchen a bottle of bleach was always under the sink. It would behoove me to get a hold of the liquid in order to remove the stench of my blood that at the moment continued to ooze out of my wound.

I raced out the door, intent on reaching the kitchen and cleaning up the mess before anyone was the wiser. As I turned the corner though, I ran smack dab into the hard chest of one of the vampires. The force of the body was enough to push me backwards onto my butt. "Ah." I gasped in shock.

Dazed, my eyes shot up to see the perfect features of the last person I ever wanted to be present while I was dripping blood.

_Jasper_.

Images of the previous time I had exposed my blood to him came forth, a simple paper cut then, and I scrambled to get to my feet and away. Unintentionally this action smeared more red across the floor.

_Crap!_

I dared not look at his eyes. If I saw that they had turned the darkest black then I knew my life was in danger and so, my only goal at that moment was to remove myself from his company before Jasper did something he regretted. I didn't even look behind me as I ran towards the long stair case that would eventually take me back outside to safety.

"Bella, please don't run away from me."

The calmness of his voice surprised me and despite all the screaming my instincts did to keep me on the path away from him, I halted. Then in a slow movement I turned my head to look upon Jasper Hale.


	7. Chapter 7

I did not have to search far before I came upon Bella scent. I still could not feel her emotions, but the strong smell of her blood lingered outside the front entrance to the house and so, I entered without a second thought. My century of experience feeling the emotions of others told me that I needed to find her. The extent of her sorrow had crushed me so strongly that I did not think someone in her condition should be left up to their own devices.

Regrettably I knew this not just from what I had learned about human nature via my special ability, but I was also able to draw from personal experience in this situation.

Of course, suicide for a vampire was not accomplished so easily and rarely without the help from another. I was ashamed to admit that my mind had gone to that dark place in the first few hours after I found Alice's body or what was left of it. I shuddered at the memory of how desperate I was for non existence then. My thoughts were not rational and my only goal at that time was to remove myself from a world without Alice. Locked away in the room we had once shared, I surrounded myself with remembrances of her. At first my only goal was finding a way to depart my life as a vampire. When I could come up with no coherent plan my suicidal frenzy ebbed and I began to reflect on Alice. It was during those thoughts that I eventually found salvation. I knew the one thing I must do. If I was forced into a life without love then I would be sure to fulfill the last request that love had made of me, "Watch over Bella."

A human like Bella though would not have to spend an extensive amount of time thinking of ways to off herself. I cringed at how easier it would be for Bella to destroy her fragile body in an attempt at leaving behind mental anguish. I did not know her well enough to surmise if such a capability resided inside her, but the longing I had felt radiating from Bella gave me enough justification to follow her. If the suffering girl longed for something - and my guess had that something being Edward - would she not then try and find him perhaps in another world? I had overheard the argument Bella often used with Edward in trying to convince him that he had a soul. If she truly believed this then I could see nothing stopping her from following Edward into the light.

With this thought pushing me forward, I hurriedly entered the house with my acute sense of smell tracing Bella to the downstairs restroom, but when I moved towards it, I found the small room empty. Employing my skills I searched out her emotions and was instantly relived when I felt what I knew to be Bella. She was near … upstairs in Edward's room. A shock of fear went through me then as I thought what this might mean. Why would a person place themselves somewhere that would magnify their sadness ten fold? An image of Romeo and Juliet flashed through my brain and with vampire speed I tore up the stairs.

It took everything in me to keep from charging into the room. I reminded myself that these were only assumptions of mine. To be hasty might frighten the girl and that was not what I wanted. I had to remain hidden in order to be of any help. Therefore, when I reached the top of the staircase I made sure to creep up beside the open door to Edward's room and from my position I slowly peered around the corner. Scanning the area my eyes came upon Bella and I softly sighed.

She stood near the rows upon rows of music my brother had owned. There was still sadness in her, but I caught wind of another emotion just boiling beneath the surface. Then in an instant I was bewildered when that feeling, an intense anger, took over. Her mood shift had been so sudden that I was not prepared for the change and I grappled with the self hatred that rushed my way. I watched in shock as Bella manifested her rage with destruction. Items were flung without care to the floor. Nothing was safe from her fury and that included me as well. Experiencing the force of her anger nearly toppled me over, but I also found if difficult to watch her actions. The scene made me feel as if I was witnessing someone's personal meltdown.

Instinctively, I yearned to halt her fit of rage, yet I did not know how to do so without exposing my presence. I could try and calm her once more as I had outside, but at that moment the complexity of the situation hindered me. Then in a split second another instinct, one more powerful in strength, took over. The venom coating my teeth indicated that human blood was in the air. I knew instantaneously where that incredibly delectable smell came from.

_Bella_.

She must have injured herself during the course of her demolition. I knew I should have removed myself from her company then. The part of my brain that still harbored human tendencies warned me to escape the temptation her blood presented, but the vampire in me refused to move. Images of enjoying the girl's vital fluid flooded me. I wanted it more than anything else … more than keeping my promise to Alice.

The situation was made all the more difficult when the product of my craving crashed into me moments later. The blow of her body against mine intensified the smell of her and my desire to ingest her blood increased. I watched her tiny body fall backward against the ground. Of course, she had not known I would be there. All the better for me to attack. She was helpless, scrambling to her feet … as clumsy as she was. More of the one thing I craved spilled on the floor before me in the feeble attempt she made to escape.

_Watch over her_

The voice of Alice stunned me out of my blood thirsty state and suddenly the sight of a fearful and vulnerable Bella running towards the stairs took on a whole new sentiment. She was scared of me. This disturbed me greatly and slowly the little part of my mind that retained human sense returned. I managed to hold back my desire for Bella's blood and instead let my need to take care of her have precedence.

"Bella, please don't run away from me." I called out.


	8. Chapter 8

The scene was reminiscent of a horror movie. The bleeding damsel in distress, which always had to be me, the danger magnet, standing before a blood thirsty vampire. Oddly enough this vampire – one who on a separate occasion had lost control over a simple drop of my blood – stood calmly a few feet away. His eyes, although dark, were not the blackest coal I had once seen them be. I thought back to that color. So dark on that night when my blood had exposed the beast within him.

"Bella," He spoke as I stood motionless, not yet ready to remove the safe distance between us, "I'm sorry. I did not mean to frighten you. My intentions were only to see if you were well."

He was checking up on me? Jasper Hale and not Jacob Black was worried about my well being so much that he followed me. A gasp escaped my mouth then. Did this mean he had witnessed my extreme flip out earlier in Edward's room?

_Oh God._

I was beyond mortified. Forgetting in that moment who spoke to me and his special ability of reading emotions, I saw Jasper's face change into a tender expression and I was surprised when he said, "Please, don't worry about feeling embarrassed. Considering the circumstances, I above anyone else can understand what you are going through. A few destroyed items are nothing compared to the extent of our suffering."

_Our suffering?_

Did he equate his sadness at having lost Alice to mine? I couldn't believe that Jasper, the one Cullen who had evaded any sort of conversation with me, was now standing before me, the walls between us slowly crumbling.

"I know you must be confused right now and I would much like to ease your troubled mind, but first …" He trailed off and then with a wrinkle of his nose Jasper indicated the smell of my blood, "If you could possibly clean up your hand."

At his words, I instantly remembered my injured finger. How much was he struggling now in order to talk with me? Without a second glance or thought I returned to my first mission. The one I had been on before the situation grew far more complex than I ever intended it to be. I found the bleach exactly where I knew it was and rushed back up the stairs with the jug in one hand and a few paper towels I confiscated from the kitchen in the other. I got on my hands and knees in front of the blood in Edward's room and began to scrub the red. When I was satisfied that I had removed all color and smell from the hard wood floor I ran towards the closet. Edward had always kept a first aid kit on hand since his girlfriend was so prone to accidents. This compulsion of mine to continually place myself in harms way made it so I knew exactly where the kit was. I pulled the little white box with the red cross on front from the top shelf and took out some bandages and gauze. As I began to wrap my finger, nervousness took over me.

Why did Jasper want to talk to me or 'ease my troubled mind' as he had put it? Out of all the people and mythical creatures present for the funeral the vampire that now waited patiently for me downstairs was the last person I ever expected to come to my aide. The situation seemed so surreal, but really at this point, after everything I had been through since moving to Forks, did I really have anymore shock left in me. Nothing should surprise me. Still … Jasper? I shook my head.

After bandaging my finger, I went out into the hallway and proceed to remove the blood from that floor as well. I had to make sure to cover my tracks. I shouldn't be the cause of anymore pain for The Cullens. They were dealing with enough as it was … no need to add anymore to that list. On my way back down the stairs, I met Jasper's eyes. He was sitting as still as only a vampire could on the couch that was positioned in front of a large screen TV. He gave me a nod and I observed that the darkness in his eyes that had frightened me before was now transformed into the lightest butterscotch. The strength he was putting forth in order to talk to me … I just did not get it. Why?

After placing the bleach and paper towels back where they belonged, I timidly walked out to where Jasper sat. I positioned myself next to the couch, but refused to sit. Fear kept me from placing myself so close to him.

He seemed to notice my hesitation, "Bella, please sit. I promise I will not hurt you. Do not be afraid."

There was a hint of sadness in Jasper's voice and not wanting to contribute to that pain, I placed myself on the couch, but managed to sit as far from him as was humanly possible. Again he noticed and a soft sigh of frustration preceded his words, "I understand your uncertainty. It is only natural that you should fear me … a vampire that tried to take your life before."

"No, Jasper!" I hurried to correct his assumption. "I just don't want to place you in any unnecessary pain."

He regarded me with an intense stare, "Bella … I know you fear me. Please do not lie for my sake."

Damn his ability to see through my pretenses. "Okay, Jasper. I am afraid," I admitted, "but my fear is not entirely about my safety."

He seemed intrigued, "Explain." His voice, deep and compelling, commanded.

I stopped looking at him then and instead focused my eyes on the pale hands in my lap. Nervously I folded and unfolded them in a repetitive motion. How could I explain myself to him? So many emotions were surging through me at that moment and I was sure that he could read every one of them. I was afraid, yes, but more for his family's safety. If I placed Jasper in a position where he was tempted to kill me, because of my fragrant blood, then wouldn't that be worse than a thousand deaths for me? I never wanted the family that Edward and I loved so much to feel that kind of pain.

I dared not look up at him as I spoke, "Jasper … I …" my voice faltered. "I can't explain it to you. Just know that I want you and your family to remain safe."

"Hmmmm." Was all he said.

He contemplated my words for a long while. So long that I wondered if he still wanted to continue our conversation. Part of me was ready to bolt the awkwardness of it all, but the other more significant part of Bella wanted to know exactly what Jasper had meant when he stated, "Ease your troubled mind." Would he perhaps use his vampire skills upon me? Curiosity filled my body and consequently, I remained on the couch unwilling to move until Jasper explained himself.

Sadly this did not happen. As I waited for Jasper to talk, the front door burst open and we both turned our heads simultaneously to look upon Jacob Black. His face was murderous.


	9. Chapter 9

Jacob may have been wearing the mask of anger, but I knew his true emotions. He was relived …relived at having found Bella. Although, he was none too pleased at her present company and that was where his mask came into play. He was angry with me and even though I did not have the mind reading powers of Edward, I could guess why he was now sending a deadly look my way. Jacob was upset that Bella was with me … a vampire.

The boy stood still and I was able to feel the indecision radiating off of him, deciding how to approach us, I guessed. My first instinct in dealing with situations like this was to use my powers of calm on the room … Jacob's rage and Bella's fear of his reaction. I was hesitant though. If I sent out waves of serenity would that aggravate the situation further? Werewolves were impetuous creatures and so, I decided against using my ability. Should Jacob suspect the mood change came from me then I was not sure of his reaction and I did not want to exacerbate his condition.

A thick silence blanketed the room for an immeasurable time. Then finally Bella took it upon herself to transition us from unspoken discomfort to spoken awkwardness, "Jacob … what's the matter?" she asked.

He turned his dark glaring eyes away from me to look upon Bella. Then releasing an agitated sigh he replied, "Bella … I was worried. You didn't come back."

"I don't understand why you felt the need to worry, Jake. What was going to happen to me? Did you think I fell in the toilet?" Bella said mimicking his irritated tone.

He rolled his eyes, "Well, I don't know. We are in the den of vampires. My best guess had this one right here sucking your blood." He returned his gaze to me and glared, "I saw you follow her!"

I felt anger begin to rush through my body. How dare he allege I intended to kill Bella. Of all the things to accuse me of! If he was provoking me to a fight then I would not decline his invitation. I shot to my feet and a threatening growl emitted through my clenched teeth.

"Bring it on bloodsucker!" Jacob snarled back.

"STOP!"

Bella stood and in an attempt to stop things from escalating she extended a hand against my chest. The other was placed in Jacob's direction, warning him to stay back, "Jake … get outside, RIGHT NOW!"

I wasn't sure if the boy had already begun to phase into the large creature I knew he could become. His body shook, but at Bella's command the tremors Jacob exhibited began to slow. Still, he continued to stare daggers in my direction and stated, "I will not leave you here with this monster."

I opened my mouth ready with a response to the name calling, but Bella got to him first, "Yes, you will leave me alone. I need to talk with Jasper and apologize for your extreme rudeness or have you forgotten that he has lost Alice just as I have Edward? Show a little discretion."

Jacob's eyes never left mine. Even as I felt his frenzy begin to recede, the anger he felt towards me remained. Then in a gesture meant to insult, Jacob lifted his middle finger. I could only assume his rudeness was meant for me and a soft chuckle rumbled my throat. Really? He could not be serious. My reaction seemed to enrage my opponent further and his body edged closer towards me.

"Out!" Bella reminded Jacob.

After such a display of bravado, I was not expecting him to listen to her and was surprised when I saw Jacob do as he was told. In a rush, the boy stalked out the front door leaving me and Bella alone once more. Too bad. My spirits could have used a good fight, but of course there was one person I knew who would not want me to injure her friend no matter how deserving he was of a good beating. Bella. It was only then that I became aware of the hand upon my chest. She had not removed its placement during the short verbal altercation. I looked down at that tiny hand pressed against me and felt the warmth of it spread across my cold skin. As I was examining her delicate fingers, Bella turned to meet my eyes. I saw a dark scarlet creep across her cheeks and she tugged her arm away.

"Um … sorry about that." She said meekly.

"Don't be embarrassed." I grasped her hand again, hoping to indicate that I could withstand her touch, "I know I've kept my distance in the past, but rest assured Bella, at this moment in time I do not hunger for your blood."

The red in her face intensified and she gently removed her hand from mine. "I meant about Jacob." She stuttered.

"Oh, that." I said, not really understanding Bella's sudden shyness.

"He can be a bit protective of me … especially since, Edward …" She did not finish and her eyes fell to the floor.

Wanting nothing more than to lift her current disposition, I acted without thought and in an extremely bold move I placed my index finger underneath her chin and circled the top of it with my thumb. Lifting her head a fraction to meet my gaze, I made sure to fill her with as much calm as my ability permitted. "I understand. Please, let me help you."

At first Bella did not respond … her dark chocolate eyes were unfathomable. "Um … the funeral." She simply stated after awhile.

I let her chin go then. She was not ready to accept my help. "Of course." I replied, "Shall we?" I indicated the door.

Bella was rubbing the back of her hand against her chin … almost as if she were removing my feel. Oddly this bothered me. "Yes." She nodded her head and the two of us walked out the door in unison.

The embarrassment pouring off of Bella flooded me as we made our way back towards the funeral. I wondered if perhaps my touch had placed this emotion inside her. If I wished to proceed with my promise to Alice then this would have to be a learning experience for me. Bella disliked my touch. I would remember this.

"Jasper."

The soft feminine voice at my side pulled my thoughts back to the present. "Yes?"

Bella had stopped walking and I followed suite. Not yet in sight of the group gathered together to mourn, we were still very much alone. "Thank you … for wanting to help and all." She nervously rubbed the back of her neck. Her eyes, refusing to meet mine, were instead focused on the earth beneath our feet.

"It's an open invitation." I stated, not wanting to offer anymore and chance scaring her away.

I saw Bella nod and then she quickly continued on her path towards the others and I made a conscious effort to walk a step behind.


	10. Chapter 10

From my position at the window, I looked out into the night. A light breeze passed through the trees off in the distance and softly pushed against its leaves before eventually traveling onward toward me. It tousled the few loose stands of hair that had escaped my ponytail and I pulled its coolness into my lungs. Then releasing the air I sighed … a defeated sigh. I'm not sure why I was staring out into the dark night. I knew a part of me was hoping by some miracle that Edward would present himself. I imagined seeing him walking in the distance; his god-like body whole again. Although, I reminded myself, my eyes had never actually seen his dismembered state. A shiver traveled down my spine at the mental image my brain created and I quickly shied away from it.

I had been here, sitting at the window, ever since arriving home from the funeral. After stalking up the stairs and shutting my bedroom door behind me I had pulled out a chair and done nothing but look out upon the ending day. Sitting with my arms folded against the window sill I watched as the wind softly played with the items before my eyes … a tree, a bush, or even some random trash a little bug had left behind. It did not matter what I saw, because my mind was elsewhere. After awhile I rested my cheek against my arms, but still I continued to stare on well past sunset. I thought of nothing, but my desire to see Edward alive again. Such a stupid thing to wish, but really wasn't this one of the stages of grief – denial. I was denying his death even though I had been present at his funeral only a few hours before.

For the first time that night I let my mind wander away from Edward and onto the events that occurred earlier. I vaguely remembered people getting up to speak on behalf of the two dead teenagers who had met their end in a fiery car crash. Hearing this was a shock for me. Of course, I knew the real reason why they died, but up until that moment I had not been aware of the story concocted for everyone else … at least all those not privy to the knowledge that a vampire clan lived in Forks. So, Alice and Edward's lives had ended in a car accident. I briefly wondered how this scene had been accomplished knowing it would eventually come under the investigation of the Forks police department. I tried not dwelling too long on that thought and to my amazement I found my mind relatively silent during the ceremony, something I thought impossible. Although, this was not the biggest surprise of the day. My inability to cry was the true mystery. So many of my tears had been shed since learning the horrible news about Edward and Alice and now I wondered if this was the reason behind my emotional well drying up. Was I spent? Could I no longer produce tears?

Maybe … Jasper? Perhaps his ability in mood manipulation was the true reason behind the apathy I felt during the service.

No, I shook my head at the prospect and decided enough aimless staring off into the distance had been done. Pulling away, my hands reached out and yanked the window shut. After a quick trip to the restroom, I began to ready myself for bed. The less than sensible black heels I had worn for the funeral were already removed as it had been my first action upon arriving home. Now I simply tugged the black dress over my head and flopped onto my bed. There I lay in my bra and panties trying to ignore the thoughts gnawing at my brain.

"Jasper." I said quietly to no one in particular.

There was no use. Trying to ignore all that had passed between us earlier was simply impossible and with a groan I allowed myself to go back to the exchange we had shared. I just could not come up with a rational explanation as to why, out of all the vampires I knew, Jasper Hale was the one reaching out to me. Not Esme, Carlisle, Emmett or Rosalie, although I doubted the blonde beauty would ever desire to be my shoulder to cry upon. Jasper wanted to help me while the others seemed to ignore or loathe, in the case of Rosalie, my very existence. Deep down I knew this was probably their way of forcing me to move on. With no more Edward around what need did I have to be with a bunch of vampires on a daily basis. Why then was the only member of their family who avoided my presence the most now seeking it? The situation just seemed so odd.

I rolled over onto my stomach and buried my face into a pillow. By doing this I was able to stifle the scream of frustration my lungs produced. I hid my yell in order to avoid an appearance by Charlie. No need to have Dad come and check up on me. I knew he was downstairs watching something or other on TV and thankfully Jacob was not with him. After the offensive display towards Jasper he had exhibited inside the Cullen home, I told my constant shadow to head back to the Quileute reservation for the evening. I even refused to ride with him after the funeral. Jake just had to realize that he couldn't go around saying such hurtful things to my friends. At the sound of that word in my head, I paused. Friends. Were Jasper and I really friends? I knew at one point I had considered him an extended part of my family, but could I really consider him to be my friend? He certainly touched me today like we were friends. An image of Jasper enveloping his long, cold fingers around my soft warm hand surfaced and without permission, my heart raced.

This was ludicrous!

Pulling myself into a standing position, I walked over to my closet and pulled down a T shirt. Then in a quick motion, I grasped a pair of jeans that were rumbled into a ball on the floor. I knew what I had to do. Although, I wasn't sure if I would be able to convince Charlie that this need of mine was important enough to pursue so late at night.

I continued with my swift pace as I bounded down the stairs and upon reaching the bottom I heard my dad's slightly confused voice, "Bella?"

"I'm just going out for a bit, Dad." I replied, hoping against hope that this little sentence would satisfy him.

Wishful thinking. Naturally, after everything that had occurred in the past three days, this would not be enough for my father. He appeared before me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Do you really think this is wise? Up until now you haven't even been able to leave your room let alone drive your truck. Damn it, Bella, you started hyperventilating today when you saw it." He reminded me.

His face expressed nothing, but deep concern. "Dad, please understand that this is what I need to do. I just need … I need to get out for a little bit." I stared back at him with pleading eyes.

Thankfully he removed his hand, but then in a movement I did not see coming Charlie grasped me in a fierce hug, "Just come back, okay."

I was not used to such emotional displays from my father and I fought the typical teenage urge that told me to push him away. Instead I returned his embrace and said, "Of course."

"Okay then." Charlie uttered as he released his hold on me.

I watched him slowly make his way back towards the living room and shook my head in amazement. I had never been exposed to this side of my father before. Having him be so emotionally naked in front of me was a completely novel thing. I suppose after everything that had happened over the course of only a few days I couldn't blame him. Even someone as jaded as my father, who had only lost the boyfriend and best friend of his daughter, was effected. Although, I guessed Charlie had lost a bit of his Bella in the grieving process as well. I made mental note to make a better attempt at hiding my pain.

The drive to the Cullens was not nearly as long as I expected, which in turn did not give me enough time to pull together my thoughts and courage for what I was about to do. Somehow though, after a brief panic attack that occurred while I sat inside my parked vehicle, I managed to force my body outside of it. Then before I could lose the nerve, my legs raced up to the front door.

_Just remember to breathe_, I reminded myself.

Yet, as I reached out my hand to knock upon the door I was surprised when it instead swung open. What stunned my senses even more was who I saw holding open that door.

Rosalie stood in all her glory, a smug smile playing upon her perfect lips.


	11. Chapter 11

I heaved a heavy sigh as I sat myself down against a tree. The stream next to me quietly bubbled and the sound was calming. The night was much the same. There was a slight breeze and some crickets chirped off in the distance, but other than that things were relatively silent. Yet, I could not say the same for my emotions. The day had ended. The funeral had been over with for a few hours now, but still I could not quite shake the anxiety that consumed me.

I had thought a quick jaunt off through the woods to satisfy my blood lust would settle the uneasiness encompassing my thoughts, but unfortunately doing so had worked too well. I no longer thought of Bella, but instead … Alice. The two of us had always gone on the hunt together. I knew deep down that her constant presence beside me was her way of keeping me in line during the pursuit, but still I enjoyed the companionship she offered. Alice was able to calm my desire to feast upon human blood and for that I was thankful. I could not actually remember a time when I had gone out in search of animal blood without Alice being by my side. Before finding my mate, the undead existence had been filled with nothing, but sadness and misery due to my taking of human life. Alice had shown me another way to live and from that moment on the sadness and misery that plagued me for so long ceased to be. Now with her absence from my life, I found that these two emotions had no trouble locating me again.

While on the hunt, a lone deer crossed my path and as I slowly inched closer ready for the attack a realization struck me - I had not been hunting since Alice's death. This shocked me at first and my mind instantly went to Bella. How irresponsible of me. Those nights I spent in Bella's room could have so easily ended in tragedy had I not been completely lost in my dejection at the time. I thought back to the sight of Bella stumbling to escape me earlier that day. My desire to fulfill Alice's wish was the only way I managed to pull myself from hurting her. The image of Bella dead, because of my negligence was more than I could bear. From that moment on I vowed to hunt every time I knew she would be in close proximity of me. I could not chance her life – ever!

Once I finished draining all the blood from my prey, I decided to sit for a bit out in the forest before entering my home again. I was growing weary of Rosalie's antagonistic behavior towards me or even Bella for that matter. My sister's treatment of her was inexcusable and as I recalled the stare down at the funeral, a fierce hatred began to surge through my body. I knew that once I returned inside, Rosalie would most likely be there ready for another quarrel. "Why can't you leave her alone?" I was sure she would hiss.

To that I could not give an answer. My promise to Alice had been private and I would never share this – not even with my family.

The time alone also let me reflect on the core reason behind my uneasiness … Bella, but more importantly her reaction to my touch. This one thing had not ceased to frustrate me. I did not know why I was unable control myself when I grasped her hand. At the time my intention was only to quiet the surging emotions I felt pouring off of her. Jacob had caused a negative shift in Bella's mood with his presence and declaration of hatred towards me. Embarrassment was also an emotion I felt from Bella after she had laid a hand upon my chest and foolishly my instincts related that she was worried about my lack of self control. For it seemed her 18th birthday and my near attack would never be removed from her memory.

I had wished only to put to rest any lingering doubt she might have about my control. What better way to accomplish this than by touching her? Only she rejected the feel of my skin on hers and that more than anything else haunted me. I craved to help her through the pain, for Alice's sake anyway, and if I repelled Bella than what would this mean? I could continue to help her in secret, but I reminded myself that I had already revealed my intentions of using my ability on her. Would she suspect me now … even hate me for interfering? During the funeral I had decided against using my power of calm on Bella, but instead used a much less noticeable emotion … one she might not suspect as being false until later. Apathy.

Now I wondered if I should even continue with my nightly visits to Bella's room. It almost felt inappropriate to do so without permission. I had declared my desire to help her and so, that created a conundrum in my mind. Should I still continue to assist her or was waiting until Bella came to me the right path to follow? I could not decide and, so I sat in my solitude with my head resting upon my bended knees. If I stayed here long enough maybe a decision would come to fruition.

I remained this way for some time until I heard dainty footsteps approaching me. I snapped my head up towards the sound and gaped when I saw Esme. She was slowly heading in my direction. As always my mother had the emotion of love radiating from her. The feeling was so palpable to me at times that I swore I could see a colorful aura surrounding her tiny figure. Esme's capability of love, in my eyes, went far beyond any power I, Edward or even Alice had possessed and at times I had found myself envying her.

Without saying a word my mother sat down next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. Then in a swift movement I was pulled against her and the two of us were locked in an embrace. She held me for a long moment before releasing me and before I could even process what was happening, Esme cupped her tiny hands against my cheeks. When she finally spoke her lovely amber eyes stared intently into mine. One simple sentence and then she was gone, "Go to her, Jasper."

I knew exactly who that _her_ was and I understood that Esme had just made my decision for me. I would go


	12. Chapter 12

"Jasper!" I called out into the night.

He had to be here. According to Rosalie, Jasper would be found at my house just as he had been the previous three nights … or so she claimed. I hadn't completely gotten out of my truck yet. After arriving home, I could not garner enough courage to exit my vehicle. Instead I had labored at lowering the driver side window and shouted out once the glass no longer created an obstruction for my voice. He had to hear me. Jasper was a vampire with excellent vampire ears. I waited and when no reply came I simply sat, unable to escape the protection my truck provided. If I stayed inside maybe I could avoid the confrontation I knew awaited me. All throughout my drive home I had unsuccessfully tried to placate my raging emotions to no avail. Anger and confusion had battled for supremacy and in the end anger won.

An image of Jasper sitting in the same rocking chair that Edward had once occupied sent my blood boiling. What was he thinking? Spying on me and then to make the situation all the more awful he had waited for Rosalie of all people (or vampires, I mentally corrected) to relate this to me. After everything we had both been through … he losing Alice and I Edward … why would he even think that sneaking into my room would be okay.

Yet, at the same time, I felt that my anger was perhaps misplaced. Even though Rosalie had not shared with me the reason behind Jasper's midnight callings, I sensed that his trips to my room were selfless acts. How had he placed it earlier … to help ease my troubled mind? In his own weird and creepy vampire way Jasper was probably only trying to help. Still … I shook my head; I just could not get past someone other than Charlie being present at my weakest and most vulnerable. How many times had I screamed out Edward's name during my sleep? Had my vampire guardian been present for that? Even though it was completely irrational to be so, embarrassment washed over me and I lowered my head onto the steering wheel. "Can you feel that, Jasper? Can you feel my embarrassment?" I remarked, making sure my voice was dripping with sarcasm.

Pulling myself up again to where my back rested against the seat, I sighed. Despite my efforts, I was unable to block Rosalie from resurfacing in my mind … Rosalie with her perfect lips turned upward in a self-satisfied smirk. It was as if she had been waiting for that exact moment to happen … to kick me when I was already down.

"Jasper's not here." She had stated upon opening the door.

The confusion written on my face deepened at her words, "How … how did you know that I was here to see him?"

Rosalie had only opened the door a fraction of its capability … just enough to let herself be seen. Yet, even so I could hear some commotion in the background and I realized that someone was trying to get to Rosalie before she could answer my question, "Jasper spends his nights with you. I assumed you knew." Her eyebrows rose feigning surprise.

"Rosalie! It is not your place to tell Bella." I heard Carlisle's voice say and the door swung open to reveal the doctor's pale features. Somehow he seemed even whiter than I remembered.

"Jasper is at my house?" My words came out in a squeak.

"In your room or so I assume that is where he has been these last three nights. Every morning he comes back smelling of you." Rosalie almost seemed bored.

Carlisle nudged his way past Rosalie and stepped out onto the porch where I stood locked in a stunned daze.

"Bella, I'm sure Jasper has his reasons." He said, but I didn't want to hear it.

Before Carlisle could speak another word I was running off towards my truck. Tears were stinging my eyes and I did not want them to see me cry … especially Rosalie. She would probably get some sick pleasure from it. Once inside I started the truck's engine and took a quick glance behind me to make sure the driveway was clear. With all the emotions surging through me I was glad that my brain could still recall the lessons of Driver's Ed. Had I simply backed up, my truck would have run over Esme. Although, now that I thought it over I was pretty sure that being a vampire would have spared Edward's mother from suffering any injury my vehicle was capable of inflicting.

At the sight of her willowy frame standing behind me, my heart jumped, first from shock and then it continued to pound in anticipation. Why was she standing there? Did she mean to stop me from driving off? As if hearing my racing thoughts, Esme was at the driver's side door in an instant. She pulled it open and reached out to place a comforting hand on my arm.

"Please, Bella. Do not judge Jasper too harshly. His intentions were only to comfort you. He better than anyone else knows what you are dealing with … remember that."

When Esme spoke it was impossible to feel anything, but love. Her voice had a motherly quality to it and in that moment my confusion and anger melted away. Of course, I did eventually drive off and once I was no longer under the influence of vampire my true emotions flooded me again

Now I was here … sitting in my truck and not sure what my next move should be. Jasper hadn't responded to his name and I had a feeling that no matter how many times I called out he would not show. Perhaps the vampire ran off once he realized I was aware of his presence.

_Coward._

My best bet would be to go back in and wait to see if he showed himself later. I decided that I would keep a vigil at my window and search for mythical creatures from the safety of the second floor. Little did I realize that I would not have to put this plan into action. While exiting my truck, I whirled around in shock at the sound of my name and there Jasper stood. I laid my hand quickly upon my chest to help calm my racing heart.

"I'm sorry … I did not mean to frighten you." His soothing voice covered me like a warm blanket and I felt my heart rate slow.

"Stop it!" I commanded.

Jasper's expression did not change, but I did feel the emotions of well being begin to fade from me and in its wake was my anger.

"Don't use any of your super vampire emphatic crap on me! I know that you have been the last three nights. Rosalie told me."

I wanted him to react to my accusation with a denial. I craved for it all to be a lie made up by his bitchy sister, but to my disappointment Jasper did not refute anything. In fact, his reaction was to not react at all. He stood still. The only part of him that made any movement at all was a lock of his honey blond hair that slowly moved along with the summer night breeze.

I let out an exasperated breath, "Don't you have anything to say?"

"You look cold." He pulled off his black leather jacket and moved towards me.

"I don't want your jacket!" I yanked the clothing item out of his extended hand and threw it angrily on the ground. "I want you to admit what you have done. How dare you, Jasper!"

The ever present tears of anger began to well in my eyes. Never did they fail me. If rage pulsated in my veins then tears would soon follow. I felt one of them escape and travel down the length of my cheek. The urge to reach out and slap him was strong, but of course experience taught me that this would most likely damage my fingers before it hurt Jasper.

Then something happened. I would later blame it on fatigue, raging emotions, etc., but in all honesty there was no explanation for my actions that followed. In a moment of pure impulse I became typical Bella and fell into the arms of a vampire and sobbed.


	13. Chapter 13

"Jasper …" The voice was soft and a bit unsteady … the sound of someone slowly waking up.

Of course, I had heard my name being called. I was standing directly across the room from the person who had spoken it. Bella was lying on her bed and at the sound of her voice my attention turned away from the photo album I had been perusing and onto the girl who up until that moment had been silently sleeping. I took in her appearance and noted that except for Bella's hair being a bit askew against her pillow, for the most part she looked normal … a far cry from the broken girl I had seen earlier.

"Yes?" I asked softly making sure my voice would only be heard by Bella and Bella alone.

I crossed the room and positioned myself on the floor next to her. Bella slowly moved from a reclined state into a sitting one and my hand instinctively went behind her back to help. She smiled in my direction and muttered, "Thanks."

"How did you sleep?" I inquired.

Her hands rushed to her face and in a repetitive motion Bella swiftly moved them up and down as if trying to wipe away her grogginess. A half smile formed upon my lips. I was not yet used to all the tendencies of a human waking up. For over 100 years now I had not slept and here I was in the presence of someone who did. Getting accustomed to her human quirks was going to be a work in progress. "Thank you for staying the night." Bella finally spoke.

"It's not quite morning." I corrected and indicated the digital clock on her nightstand.

She turned her head and took in the time, "5:30, huh? Well, that's better than I have been averaging. I can't remember a thing since falling asleep at midnight and unbroken sleep is not something I have experienced lately."

"No nightmares, then?" I surmised.

"Did I sound like I was having any?" Bella seemed quite interested in knowing.

I pulled my hand back into my lap which had been resting on the small of her back. "You've been sound asleep for the past 5 or so hours." I replied.

Bella looked pleased and in a motion that I had not been anticipating she placed a hand upon my shoulder, "All thanks to you."

The feel of her touch warmed me and I brushed aside her compliment, "Uh … all in a nights work." I jokingly said.

A soft laugh escaped Bella's lips, but then her face instantly sobered. She removed her hand and gazed down at the comforter covering her legs. She seemed to be observing the colorful gold and purple swirls printed on the fabric and then I felt the ease radiating from her slowly morph into a wave of guilt. My mind raced to find the reason behind her sudden mood change. Had her reaching out and touching me caused this guilt? Did she feel a pang of betrayal on her part towards Edward? Before I could delve any deeper into this theory Bella brought me out of my quandary with an apology, but for what exactly I was not sure. When the words, "I'm sorry." were spoken Bella's voice had been a mere whisper.

"And what are you sorry for, Bella?" I regarded her with my eyes, but she continued to look down and stare at the pattern on the comforter. One of her fingers slowly traced the outline of a swirl, "For how I acted last night."

Surprise came over me. She felt guilt for her reaction towards me after learning I had been sneaking into her bedroom? Any normal person would have done the same and not apologized. Shaking my head at the absurdity of the girl next to me I hastened to release her from the shackles of shame. "Bella, would you please look at me."

Bella kept her face downward, but I saw her eyes slowly peer up from under her long lashes. "Please don't waste a second of your time worrying about me. Can you do that?" I said with all the sincerity I could muster.

This got her attention and Bella lifted her eyes for a full on stare into mine. I sensed a bit of frustration coming off of her and she looked almost mad when she replied, "No … I could never promise not to worry. I care if my actions are the cause of your pain. If you are going to worry about my well being then I will make sure that I do the same and I want to apologize for berating you."

"I promise you, Bella. I don't deserve anyone's pity or concern, but if it is your desire to distress over me then by all means." I stood and shrugged my shoulders.

There was no point in arguing with the girl. To do so would result in riling her up and I saw that as defeating the purpose of my continued presence in her life? Yet, my words had not quieted the argument brewing inside her and I sensed that she wanted to continue the discussion, perhaps to prove that I was worth the bother. That was when I decided the time was right to to make my escape. It was better to serve my purpose and leave. No need for me to become further involved with my brother's mate. I made my way over to her window, but stopped short of opening it when Bella asked, "Why were you looking at my photo album?"

I now regretted the slight detour I had taken during my time in Bella's room. She had been sleeping soundly for a few hours and so as I continued to use my ability to keep Bella serene my eyes discovered the album on the floor. I moved aside the articles of clothing partially covering the book and pulled it into my hands for a better examination. Most of the images inside were of Bella and Edward. At the prom, in some sort of meadow … regardless of the location the two of them were always beaming. So in love. I felt a tiny twinge of sadness knowing the happy girl in these pictures would never again feel the same bliss. Much like me, I sighed to myself.

As I furthered along through the pages, I discovered a few shots of Alice. Seeing them did not force me into a depression as I thought they might. Instead the persistent ache in my chest quelled a bit. These images of her were all new to me and so, I suspected since they were not my memories I could look upon them without sadness. And look I did. 2 hours had passed before I was even able to pull myself away from Alice and that was only because of Bella. When she eventually came out of her slumber I was still staring at the pictures of my love and now the owner of the photo album was questioning me. I could only guess the reason behind her query was to accuse me of voyeurism.

"Were you looking at Alice?"

Again I was stunned by her words. How could she read me so well?

I did not answer and instead pulled up the widow. "Jacob is going to be here in the morning and I'm sure you want some time alone to think about what you are going to say to him. My scent will probably be on you, so you might want to shower first."

I made a movement to dash out the window, but Bella walked over to me halting my departure, "You know Jasper, if you want to talk about Alice I am willing to listen. You are doing so much for me and I would like to return the favor."

She stared at me earnestly, but I was not able to respond properly to her offer. "Take care. I will be back tonight."

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"I have some unfinished business with Rosalie." and with that I leaped out into the early morning.


	14. Chapter 14

After Jasper left it only took me a few minutes to decide that taking a shower and heading over to Jacob's was a better idea than sitting around waiting for time to slowly crawl by. If I could get to La Push before Jacob made his eventual appearance at my house then I might be able to avoid any chance of Jasper's lingering scent being noticed by my werewolf friend. I also had another much more urgent reason for setting my plan into action. If I were motivated to do something then I could keep from clawing my eyes out. After my mood manipulating vampire took leave of the room we had both occupied the skin on my body began to crawl and I knew then that I had to make an escape.

Rummaging though the mess that was my room, I found my bag of toiletries underneath a pile of dirty clothes. Then as quietly as I was able my hand reached out and turned the knob on my door. Except for the whine of protest coming from the door's hinges, all was silent in the Swan household. Although, while traveling the short distance from my room to the bathroom my ears did detect soft snores coming from Charlie's bedroom. For the first time since Edward's death my dad was sleeping through the night. Thanks to Jasper I had been able to spend my time in bed actually asleep instead of forcefully jolting Charlie to my side. It meant the world to me that my dad was able to spend a few unbroken hours without my screams waking him. One more thing I would have to thank Jasper for.

Upon entering the bathroom I turned on the hot and cold water knobs of the shower and removed my sleep attire before stepping into the soothing water. Instantly my body relaxed as the heat massaged my back. It was no Jasper, but the feeling was calming and as I stood there a soft moan released itself from my mouth. Oddly enough this made me think back to the image of Jasper jumping from the ledge of my window. If I hadn't been so used to the sight of a male figure leaping to the ground from my second story bedroom then I might have yelled out after him. My time with Edward had taught me to think nothing of a vampire falling from such heights and so, I remained quite. Instead my eyes watched Jasper slowly sail to the earth and I remembered thinking he looked much like Edward. He exhibited the same exact grace and agility. Such lithe creatures vampires were … upon reaching the ground, Jasper barely made a sound. Then in a swift movement I saw him look up at me. His eyes glowed from the light my bedroom cast upon him. The intense gold orbs held my gaze with such force that I felt physically unable to look away. The grip he had me in was palpable. Then before I could realize it Jasper released me and dashed out of my vision.

Naturally as soon as he was gone I could feel Jasper's absence. The calm he had radiated around me was no more and panic began to rise in my chest followed by the skin crawling. I removed myself from the window and headed over to my bed. Sitting upon the mattress I contemplated what this meant. With Jasper now gone I could feel all of the emotions he had suppressed inside my body and that was when it dawned on me that his ability was much like a sedative. But, instead of a drug which slowly wears off with time his mood manipulation for me was like a detox minus the methadone for a heroin addict. Once he was no longer there blocking my emotional distress the pain assaulting me was instantaneous. I tried hard not to focus on this and instead developed the plan to see Jacob. If anything doing so would force me to ignore the pangs of sadness that threatened to transform me into a blubbering fool once more.

So, now I stood under the cascading water of the shower head and tried to figure out how I would approach Jacob. His actions towards Jasper the day before had been inexcusable, but at the same time I did not think I should punish him further. The goal of my visit would be to reestablish our relationship – best friends.

Best friends.

I contemplated this term as I worked my strawberry scented shampoo into the long tangled locks attached to my head. I wondered if perhaps Jacob still felt that way about me. I could not sufficiently block out the kiss we had engaged in before the battle with Victoria had begun. At the time I went along with the intimate exchange only, because Jacob threatened to harm himself during the fight. I was quite aware of the passion burning in him when Jacob's lips met mine and even though the physical part of me enjoyed the press of his body against me, I did not for one second think of my best friend as anything but. Of course, our time in lip lock was not a topic we discussed since not too long afterward both Alice and Edward were … I couldn't even force myself to think of the word. I doubted Jacob would even want to approach the subject anytime soon. Despite all his brutish and immature tendencies Jacob was not a jerk.

After awhile I managed to reluctantly pull myself from the warmth the shower provided, but only, because I knew that if I lingered much longer I would use up all the hot water. Charlie would be going back to work today and undoubtedly he would want some warm water of his own to start the morning. Wrapping my body snuggly in the towel hanging from one of the racks, I swiftly raced across the hallway lest my dad happen to wake up and catch a glimpse of his semi nude daughter traipsing around. The glow of the digital clock greeted me as I entered my bedroom. 6:13. Was it too early to make my trip to La Push? Well, I couldn't sit around here all day with only my thoughts to occupy me, so screw it! Quickly I dried myself off and went over to the dresser to pull a pair of clean underwear from the top drawer. That was when my eyes caught sight of the black book with the words 'memories' printed in elegant cursive on the cover. It was placed on top of my dresser, exactly where Jasper had left it.

My photo album.

Jasper hadn't confessed to looking inside at the pictures of Alice, but he also hadn't noticed me watching him in the moments before I made the fact I was awake known. Perhaps, if his attention hadn't been so consumed by the images of Alice, the vampire might have realized I was looking at him. The blond waves of his hair had partially covered his face as he looked down at the photos, but I could still see enough of him to guess what he was doing. Intense sadness was etched in his features and if Jasper was capable of producing tears I was certain they would have been present. I fought the urge to reach out and hug him as I was sure this would only exacerbate the problem. Being so close to him was bound to create an atmosphere of awkwardness and so, I decided to let him know I was awake. This, I reasoned, would take his mind and eyes off of Alice.

I myself hadn't touched the book since the events of the last four days. My mind couldn't even fathom what seeing an image of Edward might do to me. Thinking of this made my empathy for Jasper increase. What the hell was he doing … exposing himself to such sadness? Reaching out my hand I quickly pushed the book to the floor lest I too be tempted to peek at memories. Then with a sigh, I continued with my mission to dress for the day and get out to Jacob's before anymore time progressed. Time that more than likely would be spent absorbed in my sadness.

Getting ready managed to occupy me for awhile and by the time I emerged from my bedroom fully dressed with my thick hair pulled back into a ponytail, 30 minutes had elapsed. Stepping out into the hallway I noticed Charlie's door a jar and the soft drip drip drip of the coffee maker downstairs caught my ears. So, he was awake. I had hoped to slink out without him noticing and thus circumvent the mini interrogation I was certain he had waiting for me. Sure enough as soon as I came into Charlie's eyesight the questions began, "So, are you now going to explain to me why you were outside hugging that Jasper kid last night?"

He was sitting at the kitchen table holding an opened newspaper in his hands. His eyes watched me with a skeptical stare.

"What, no good morning?" I skirted the issue and made my way to the cereal boxes placed atop the refrigerator.

"Good morning." He replied emphasizing each syllable and drawing out the two words.

I rolled my eyes at his sarcastic tone and continued to get my breakfast.

"Well …"

"Well, nothing, Dad. I told you last night that Jasper just wanted to see if I was alright." I stated between mouthfuls of Apple Jacks.

Charlie shook his head, "At 11:30 at night … humph. That just doesn't seem right." He got up and moved over to the coffee pot.

"Please, Dad. Jasper and I both have been through a lot lately. I'm sure knowing when the proper time to call on a lady is the last thing on his mind." I was joking, but the sad underlying truth to my words resonated with Charlie and so, he dropped the subject.

"Why are you all dressed up?"

I slowly tipped up my cereal bowl to my lips in order to catch the remaining milk inside and then with a lick of my lips I replied, "I thought I would pay Jacob a visit."

Charlie seemed pleased with this news. "That's a good idea, since I won't be here today and all. You and Jake can hang out at the beach. Maybe you could invite Jessica or Mike. Yeah, make a day of it."

My dad was ridiculously transparent. So eager was he to hear that I would not be spending the day locked away in my room that he wanted to make sure it stayed that way. "No, just me and Jake today. Baby steps for now."

"Right." He nodded and took a sip from his coffee mug.

There was an uncomfortable silence that hung in the air around us when he finished talking and so, I took the opportunity to make my escape. 'Well, I'm out." I said and before Charlie could make anymore comments about me, Jacob or even Jasper, I walked out the front door.


	15. Chapter 15

Although, I left Bella's room intent on heading straight home I did not get very far before stopping in my tracks to think. Lately, it seemed most of my time was spent contemplating things and at that moment I reflected on the images crawling throughout my brain.

Bella sobbing in my arms.

The way she looked so at ease releasing her pent up emotions while I held her.

The warm tears of hers that soaked my shirt.

It was all just a bit surreal. I was not accustomed to being near a human without having them recoil from my closeness. Most living beings were repelled by my inhuman qualities. They could sense I was different from them and as a result kept their distance. Then there was Bella. The only human I knew who was quite familiar with vampires and therefore comfortable with them … even ones like me who were not yet on the same level as Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie or Emmett. I still ached for human blood more than anyone else in my family. I was certain Bella knew this. My reaction to one paper cut at her birthday party was like a dark cloud shrouding us and still she held onto me while weeping. The moment was not only relieving for me, but for her as well. I could feel that Bella was glad to have someone to cry with. I knew she needed this release and so, I did not use my mood calming abilities on her. I would save that for later … in her room. That was if she still allowed me to be in there. Her fall into my arms had been so unexpected that I did not know exactly where Bella was leading with all of this. Would she come to her senses and pull away just as suddenly as she had crumbled into me? I hoped not, but was unsure.

Then there was another image in my head. One of Charlie looking exasperated as he stared at the two of us locked in each others arms. I saw him peering through the living room window and once I focused in on him I knew the girl's father was none too pleased to see his daughter so near me. Without waiting for the man to appear outside the front door I lowered my lips to Bella's ear and whispered, "Your father will be here soon. I'm leaving now, but I promise to be back."

I ran off into a scattering of trees to my left and although I was hidden from view, my hearing was still sharp. Charlie asked Bella if she was all right and then questioned where I had gone. My abrupt departure had left Bella dazed and I could hear her voice, raw from crying, answer, "I'm tired, Dad. I think I need to go to bed."

Then I saw Bella in my head again … her greeting me at the open window to her bedroom. "Don't worry," she said, "Charlie's asleep."

She reached out with both hands to help me in, which I found humorous … as if I needed any assistance. Still the kindness of this gesture was not lost on me and neither was the fact that Bella did not evade my touch. She seemed so at ease when out skin met. There was no hint of the trepidation I sensed from her before when I foolishly reached for her hand at the funeral. I noted her mood was still a bit unsteady which more than likely resulted from her outpouring of sadness while in my arms and yet, there was a welcoming mixed in with the remainders of her sorrow. Bella was happy to see me.

The final image was one of her looking down from the window, something that had occurred only minutes before. From her position I could feel Bella's sympathy pour onto me. She felt sorry for my pain and back in her room had impulsively offered to help. I sighed heavily remembering this. I was beyond help … well, any that the girl could offer me. The only reprieve I felt at all was when I fulfilled Alice's wish and comforted her best friend. I thought back to my first night in Bella's room and how at the time I viewed my love's request as an internment in Hell. I was forced into contact with a suffering human when all I wanted to do was remove myself from pain. How this could be accomplished when I was in such close proximity to someone else's anguish, I did not know. Then in just the span of a few short days things changed. Helping Bella was now the one area of my existence that I felt at peace with.

As I looked back up and met the large brown eyes of Edward's love, I wondered if perhaps letting Bella think she was aiding me would in turn help her heal more sufficiently. Giving her a little project to occupy her time might inevitably keep the girl from thinking about the sorrow staring her down. The idea intrigued me so much that I did not realize the hold I had on Bella with my vampire gaze. She was frozen under my stare and once I became aware of this I ran off.

That was where my mental replay of last night and this morning ended. Now a new picture came to me … one of Rosalie wounding Bella by revealing my whereabouts to her. I had no trouble visualizing my sister's face. I was sure there had been a self-satisfied glee to it and this image released a rage in me. The anger was so fierce that without thinking I reached out my fist and struck a nearby tree. Only afterward did I realize the intensity of the blow when a loud crack caused me to turn my head and I saw a deep crevice where the trunk had once been whole. Soon thereafter it fell to the forest floor resulting in a deafening thud. I grimaced with chagrin, glad there were no humans nearby to witness my scene of destruction. Still I decided to err on the side of caution and quickly returned to my mission of finding Rosalie. I ran to the first place I knew she would be. At home, undoubtedly awaiting my return. If I discerned her intentions of bullying Bella correctly then Rosalie would be waiting to see how her little spill of my secret played out. Well, I did not want to keep her waiting.

My determination was strong. I needed to put an end to Rosalie's meddling. If this meant leaving behind the family I had resided with for half a century then so be it. My new mission in life (or death, however you looked at it) was to protect Bella and if Rosalie or any other members of my family failed to comply with this then I was perfectly adept at living a life of solitude. It had always been Alice's bond with the clan that was unbreakable. I was simply along for the ride … wherever my love wished to be then I followed. Now that she was gone I no longer had a tie to this pretend family. Bella's well being was my first and only priority now.

Eventually I found my way back to the house and before entering I hesitated a bit outside the front entrance, wondering how I would approach my sister. While racing home I had imagined repeating my action of violence against the tree, but with Rosalie's beautiful face replacing the trunk. Now that I was at my destination and the vampire behind my fury was only inches away, reason returned and I decided to be as diplomatic as possible at the onset. If she still refused to leave Bella alone then I would reveal my intention of leaving. I did not relish breaking our family apart any further, but at this point what choice did I have?

With my decision made I burst through the door expecting to find Rosalie ready to revel in her wicked deed. Instead I discovered a downstairs that was completely empty except for one tiny figure. She was standing near the large glass walls that made up the backside of the house. After my loud entrance I saw the female vampire slowly turn her face to look upon me and just as before I felt my body fill with her radiating love.

"Hello, Jasper." Esme's soft voice welcomed.

I felt slightly confused by the absence of everyone else. On a typical night that did not involve any trips out into the woods or up to one's bedroom for love making, the family could be found in the downstairs of the home with each member involved in their own activity. I recalled the countless games of chess Alice would challenge Edward to while I on the other hand liked more scholarly pursuits and typically could be found pouring over a book of history. The others did this or that, but regardless of their choice of entertainment the family's epicenter was where I now stood with only a solitary vampire for company.

"Where is everyone?" I asked.

"I sent them away, because I needed to talk with you alone."

Perhaps it was the look on my face or even my emotions emanating toward her that revealed to Esme my confusion. "Oh, Jasper," she sighed, taking slow steps in my direction, "We need to discuss something Alice revealed to me just before her death."

"Alice …" my voice trailed off. To say her name even now caused me pain.

There was no longer a distance separating us and as Esme reached out to touch her hand against my cheek, I braced for the words I knew would follow, "It's about Alice's vision."


	16. Chapter 16

On my way to Jake's it began to rain.

At first the drops of water were like a fine mist on my truck's windshield. Then about 20 minutes from the reservation the rain transformed into a downpour. I had to turn my windshield wipers on full strength just to see anything at all. I drove so slowly that a 40 minute drive took almost double the time. I suppose this was a blessing in disguise, since my estimated arrival would have put me in the odd situation of having none in the Black home awake. So, in a sense the rain was my friend. 8:20am was a much more decent hour to make a house call. Or at least I hoped.

I pulled into the gravel driveway of Jacob's house and sat in my truck with the engine running. My mind was so focused on driving through the rain without any mishaps that I neglected to really think through what I would say to Jacob. Too bad my vehicle was about as quiet as a dynamite blast. Jacob heard my truck's rumbling and I saw him lift the sheet his family used as a makeshift curtain for the house's main window. I wasn't certain if he was happy to see me or not. The rain made it impossible to discern much of anything outside. A few minutes ticked by before I saw a large figure exit the building. The person made a dash towards me and I pulled my car keys out of the ignition. The truck's engine emitted a thunderous roar before slowly coming to a halt.

"Bella!" I heard my name being called as the passenger side door opened and in stepped a soaking wet Jacob Black. "What are you doing here?"

He ran a hand through his jet black shoulder length hair which caused small droplets of water to splatter me in the face.

"Hey ,watch it." I said, feigning irritation.

Jake sent me a sheepish grin, "Sorry."

Gauging his temperament I could tell that Jake was surprised, but also happy to see me. I let out an inaudible sigh of relief. At least the awkwardness of our dispute yesterday wasn't hanging heavy in the air between us.

"So, why didn't you call first before coming all the way out here?" He questioned.

"Well, I left my house pretty early. I didn't want to wake you or your dad."

He raised his eyebrows in response, "Looks like your truck was a little louder than a phone call."

_Crap!_

I guess 8:20 was a bit early. I was about to apologize, but then noticed Jake's clothes. He was wearing a T- shirt and a pair of holey jeans. On his feet were sneakers and so, I countered, "Looks like you were already awake by the way you're dressed."

At my mention of his attire Jacob face sobered a bit. He turned his eyes away from me and looked out the passenger side window. His voice was flat when he spoke. "Yeah, well, I was about to leave and meet up with the pack."

Instantly my mind went to some sort of threat the wolves might be detecting. After Victoria and her army were destroyed I thought the pack might take a much needed break. To have them meeting again so soon released a panic inside me and my body became rigid.

Of course, my friend was so in tuned to my body language that even without looking at me Jake recognized the fear presenting itself. After all we had been through, the smallest change in my demeanor could be sensed by him and he didn't need his special wolf abilities to do that. Even before his change Jake could read me and so, when he turned around to grasp me in a fierce hug I was not at all surprised.

He held me for what seemed like an immeasurable amount of time. Neither of us spoke. All that could be heard was the rain as it assaulted the hood of my truck. When he finally released me from his hold Jake turned back towards the door he had entered through and without meeting my gaze said, "I have to go now."

I did not want Jake to leave so soon and reached out a hand to grasp his, "Where do you need to go … maybe I can drive you? I know you could probably phase and meet up with them faster, but I really need company right now."

I hoped my last statement would guilt him into staying with me. To my dismay Jake refused to meet my eyes and then shook my hand from his, "That wouldn't be wise, Bella. Besides we aren't meeting in our wolf form. Sam and Emily are having us all over for breakfast."

"Then I could come. It would be nice to see everyone." I spoke fast hoping the speed of my voice would deter any doubt Jacob had about bringing me along.

Instead my friend was quiet as if contemplating how he would reply to me and like a knee jerk reaction I became worried. Why did Jake need to think through his response? A simple 'Okay, you can come along.' would have sufficed.

When he finally did speak my heart plummeted. I knew from his tone that he was trying to soften the blow of disappointment. "Bella …" he spoke my name tenderly and then paused before continuing, "I can't bring you along, because our meeting is about … you."

"Me?!" I exclaimed. Wow … I had not been expecting THAT!

Then he turned. His whole body twisted in my direction. The darkness of his brown eyes bore into me and I could see sadness in their depths. They reminded me of another pair of eyes that held a similar look only a few hours before, "This whole thing about you being caught with Jasper has the pack worried … especially Sam."

My mouth parted slightly in shock. "You told them I was alone with Jasper. Why would you feel the need to do that?" Shock was giving way to irritation now.

Jake quickly pointed an index finger to his temple. "Um … they can read my mind or have you forgotten? Anyway, Sam wasn't too pleased after hearing my thoughts about the funeral. He told all of us to stay away from you until we met today."

A million thoughts raced through my brain. I was a bit thrown by Jake's words and couldn't help the shrillness of my voice when I responded, "What?! But, that's so cold and unnecessary. Why do you need to stay away from me? Of all the things to tell you …"

"Look Bella!" Jake's voice was suddenly sharp and the surprise of this halted me from speaking, "We all thought after Edward died that you would leave the Cullens alone. I was told to look after you and make sure that was the case. Then you go and make the situation all screwed up by being alone with Jasper. For all I know Sam is fed up with your bloodsucker obsession."

I instinctively pulled back as if I had been slapped. The pain of losing Edward was still so fresh in my mind and for Jacob to speak so uncouthly about him and his family well, I couldn't help it … tears began to spill unchecked from my eyes. Compulsively my hand flew up to my chest. The hole there quivered from Jake's verbal attack

"You have no idea how your words have just cut me, Jake. I … I can't believe … this is insane. Jasper would never hurt me. He couldn't …" I was losing my train of thought to the frustration I felt with this convoluted predicament I now found myself in.

Jacob turned a blind eye to my tears, which was so unlike him, and then reached again for the passenger side door handle. "It's not just Sam … it's me too. I can't … I can't keep rescuing you from these vampires. It's just too much." I saw him shake his head fervently as if trying to shake off his anger. When he spoke again his voice was a flat monotone, "If you choose to keep those _things_ in your life then count on me not being a part of it anymore!" and with those final words falling onto me like a ton of bricks, Jacob exited my truck.

I watched Jake run off into his Rabbit and speed away from the scene like a madman, but I did not make any effort to leave myself. I was unable to make even the slightest movement. The shock of all that had occurred left me immobile. "This can't be real." I kept saying to myself over and over. Jake had abandoned me. I was alone.

So alone.

The hole in my chest ripped wide open as my mind contemplated this and I let out a scream. Maybe it was a scream, but the sound seemed a bit drowned out … like a gurgle.

Like I was drowning.

An image of me falling underneath water flashed before my eyes. I remembered that feeling. Knowing and accepting my death at the hands of the brutal waves of La Push bay. I thought back to that moment. How my mind had conjured up Edward for me - a dying wish to see my beloved one more time. How peaceful death would be for me right now.

_Stop! _

I wasn't sure who had spoken the word to me. Maybe my brain had sensed danger and conjured the voice in order to bring me back my senses and still, I wondered … the inflection of the word 'Stop' had been tinged with a slight southern accent.

It was then that I knew exactly where I needed to be.


	17. Chapter 17

I had seen this coming.

I thought back to Esme's reaction to me while we were out in the woods together and how it had given me cause to wonder. Why had she encouraged me to visit Bella when the rest of my family seemed so determined to cut the girl out of their lives? Did she know more than I was aware? At the time more urgent needs filled my brain and so, I let my questions about her odd behavior fall to the wayside. Bella was at the forefront of my mind during my last encounter with Esme, but now that she stood near me again I made a point of delving deep into her emotions. I pushed past the love and concern that radiated from her body until I came upon a flicker of something else. I was not exactly sure what she hid underneath the layers of feeling, but it was different and I noted how the sensation was similar in feel to a secret. Edging backwards from her I centered in on the deep ocher pools that made up her eyes and that was when the realization smacked me hard in the face.

"You know." My voice came out in a whisper.

Of course, I knew Esme was aware of Alice's vision. She had spoken of it just moments before, but from what I gathered now while searching her soul I discovered my mother knew more … much more. Perhaps even more than I did.

Esme watched me carefully and then slowly nodded her head in response. "Yes, Jasper, I know all about Alice's vision of dying. She also told me of the request she made of you."

The shock of hearing this remained muted in my features. I tried not to give too much away by stifling my emotions from her, "And why are you telling me this now?" The words came out slightly harsher than I intended.

Still I cold not help the betrayal I felt. Why had Alice decided to share such an intimate detail of our relationship with Esme? After the vision first occurred, both Alice and I had discussed telling Edward about what she saw, but in the end voted against it. With everything else going on during that time she did not think it was necessary to further burden her loved ones and I agreed. Her apparitions were always subject to change and we held onto the faintest hope that this would be the case. I remembered how fervently my love had labored to keep her mind free of the horrible images of death whenever Edward was close by. It had taken nearly every ounce of power she possessed. So, why then had Alice broken her oath by telling Esme? The pain of this realization pulled at my dead heart.

"Jasper, please, don't be distressed. Alice came to me out of concern for you." Esme's voice, as comforting as ever, washed over me and again the softness of her hand caressed my cheek.

Like I petulant child I removed myself from the soothing contact and stalked over to the couch and sat. "Concern." The word came out in a mocking mumble.

Esme seemed unperturbed by my rashness and simply placed herself beside me once more. She sat down and grasped my hands in a tight grip, thus forcing me to gaze upon her face. Her eyes were warm and also pleading. Her emotions remained as before and the fact that Esme was purely unable to become phased by my discord stuck a nerve. I looked down at her hands as they fiercely held onto mine and I could no longer feel sorry for myself, "What is it you need to tell me?" I asked gently.

"Jasper … there was another reason behind Alice asking you to watch over Bella. She kept that reason hidden from everyone, but just before the battle she sought me out and requested I encourage you to help Bella if her vision came to fruition." Esme paused a moment before continuing.

I could tell reliving the death of Alice and Edward was not an easy process for her and, so I released calm upon her. In reaction I saw the pensive look on her face alter slightly. "Thank you." She sent me a smile that did not meet her eyes.

"Can you go on?" I broached the subject once more.

Esme nodded, "There was a part of Alice's vision that she did not want you to know about. It pertained to Bella and she asked me not to tell you, but instead keep watch on you and make sure her request was being fulfilled. Well, with all that has been going on with Rosalie I feel the need to break my promise to Alice. I think she would now want you to know. How could she have anticipated the hostile environment our family would become in the wake of her and Edward's death and how it would discourage you. You see, Alice did not want you to know all that she saw, because she wished for you to make your own choice and not be ruled by the image in her vision, but inside me … Jasper, I know it's the right thing to do."

"What did Alice see?" I prompted, not entirely sure I wanted to know.

"She did not share with me everything, but she did say that you … that you would one day save Bella's life."

I did not react the way Esme presumed I would. I could sense that she expected my reaction to be somewhat troubled by her revelation, but instead I felt peace. I finally knew exactly why Alice had asked me to watch over Bella. From the moment her request had been made a lingering question hovered in the recesses of my mind. I knew the two were connected by a bond of friendship that was unbreakable. The strength of that relationship was on par with that of a mate. Having been a solitary figure throughout my vampire life I often wondered about the closeness the two shared. Friends were not so easily made or kept by me. I had allies, but never a deep connection with anyone other than my one love … Alice. So, when a human came into Alice's life and claimed a place in her heart so near my own status, I found myself confused.

Alice whispering into my chest, "You must watch over Bella." All those nights ago added to my confused state.

Without a doubt I would follow through with what she wished, but still I could not grasp why she would have me, of all the vampires she knew, to be Bella's guardian. Now the lingering question in my brain, much like the last piece of a puzzle, was answered and I could see the whole picture. I would save Bella's life.

"Jasper … is everything alright?"

At the sound of Esme's soft voice I was pulled back into the present and only then became aware of the thick silence that had blanketed us while I was deep in thought. "You haven't told anyone else of this, have you, Esme?"

She shook her head, "No. Alice wished that I would not speak of it … even to you. I have only broken my promise now, because I was worried you might be discouraged after what Rosalie did to you and Bella."

I let out an exasperated sigh, "Rosalie could never have any effect on my choices. I desire to help Bella, because it is the right thing to do and I will continue to do so regardless of what everyone else thinks. Everyone except Bella that is."

I saw my mother smile then. The first real smile I had seen on her lips in what seemed like forever. "I'm glad to hear that, Jasper."

"At least I have you on my side." I pulled Esme into my arms and hugged her. "You have no idea how knowing all of this comforts me."

"Anytime." She said into my ear and it gave me happiness to hear the smile in her voice as she spoke.

After Esme and I pulled apart I stood and said, "Will you excuse me?"

"Where are you going?"

"I would like to hunt. I've been around human blood all night and my vampire needs are gnawing for release." I stated.

I could see a flash of skepticism cross Esme's features and I had no doubt she knew I was lying. I had hunted only hours before going to see Bella. In fact so much animal blood had been ingested into my system that at the time I felt a bit of nausea. Yet, it was my eyes that were the dead giveaway to Esme. She could clearly see the rich butterscotch color of my irises, a sign that I was well fed. I waited for the questions that would follow but, she said nothing and instead only nodded.

For this I was thankful. It was better if I did not have to admit where I was now heading. I would rather keep the fact that I was going to spy on Bella and Jacob a secret.


	18. Chapter 18

I'm not sure how I managed to get myself moving again after Jacob's cruel words, but I was certain it had more or less to do with the Jasper like voice continuing to echo in my mind long after the original had died away. Once the shock wore off a slow realization crept over me. My brain had conjured up Jasper's plea for me to 'Stop' as a means of halting my thoughts from continuing down the dangerous path they had taken.

I thought back to the only other time I had been crazy enough to hear words inside my head that were not my own. It hadn't been so long ago. 4 months to be exact, while I was deep in the midst of the pain of having lost Edward for the first time. Unlike dying though, he had simply moved away. His body and spirit continued on, but in some other part of the world. During my horrible despair Edward had spoken to me … warned me against danger. Yet, upon his return to Forks and into my life, I again became the only person taking up space inside my formerly crowded conscious. Edward's voice ceased.

Now I was again suffering the loss of Edward, but in this instance the anguish pulled my mind into dark places I had been strong enough to avoid before. Dying was never an option when I knew my vampire was still living his immortality in some far off distance away from me. There were also my parents to think of as well and then after a time, Jacob. I could never have been selfish enough to remove myself from their lives.

That was then though, when the worst I was capable of was cliff diving for the exhilaration rush. This time the pain of actually having Edward be no more took on a new severity and I was unable to push away the pleasant idea of exiting a world that did not contain the one I loved most. The apparition of drowning had come all at once … so suddenly that I was unable to combat it. I found myself yearning for it, embracing the easy out suicide offered and then the startling voice had halted my reverie. What was most surprising about it though was the person behind the caution. I did not hear the beautiful voice I had come to recognize and ultimately welcome inside my brain all those months ago. Not Edward anymore, but Jasper. Without a doubt I recognized the slight inflection of someone that had been raised in the south or to be more precise – Texas. How odd that the vampire brothers had switched roles and now Jasper was the guardian angel warning about impending danger?

I heaved a heavy sigh. I wasn't sure what this all meant, and honestly I did not think my mentality could take anymore deep reflection as to why I was once more schizophrenic. One step at a time I reminded myself. Right now I had more pressing matters to take care of. I needed to find Jasper. Yes, Jacob had abandoned me in my time of need, but there was still one other out there that understood my pain more than anyone else. But, how would I find him and would he even want me nosing around for his whereabouts?

All I had to go on was Jasper's claim he was off to deal with some unresolved problem he had with Rosalie. I didn't even second guess my inclination that the basis of said issue with his sister was me and so, I decided against visiting the Cullens on my quest to find the voice inside my head. Although, that really wasn't a hard choice to make. True … I did not wish to step in the middle of an argument between two vampires, but my main reason for avoiding their large white house in the middle of the forest had more to do with a particular goddess like blond than anything else. After Rosalie's reaction to me the night before, well strike that … pretty much her reaction to me since like – ever, the last place I wanted to be was in her presence.

Without any clue where I was heading my fingers grasped the keys and I turned them upward inside the ignition. Then just like every other time before, my truck's engine roared to life. Normally the sound wouldn't have startled me, but so lost in thought about the mysterious voice and who it had belonged to was I that my entire body jerked in response to the sound. An angry curse escaped my lips and that too shocked me.

The word was not one I used on a regular basis or even at all. Despite my un-conventional upbringing being raised by a woman who dropped F bombs left and right, I had never picked up the dirty habit from Renee or perhaps I had simply willed myself not to, like some backwards form of rebellion. Now here I was with my nerves rubbed raw and my emotions spent. I was beginning to expose the not so carefully placed together Bella from within and damn it … releasing her felt good. Damn good. So, as long as I was going to Hell I decided to test the word out once more and yelled it into the small space I occupied in the truck. Just as it had the day before in Edward's room, destruction sent a wave of elation through me. Using a word that was the most destructive and dirty oath in the English language gave me an odd thrill and I attempted it again and again. For the next minute or two I shouted the explicit word at the top of my lungs with the last mention of it preceding the name Jacob Black.

Yes, I had used that horrible word in the same sentence as my friend and there was absolutely no remorse felt on my part for doing so. His whole attitude toward me and the attitude of the pack he ran with. Yeah, the F word fit perfectly with them. I mean … really, having a meeting about ME! They were going to talk about whether or not I should be left alone. Well, God Yes! Leave me alone. And what was all this about Jacob spying on me to make sure I did not fall back in with the Cullens. All those times he slept on the sofa downstairs in my house … had he only been there to make sure I would stay away from vampires? You think you know someone …

The rush of my mad explosion was beginning to wane and in its place settled the horrible sadness from before. The knowledge of rejection from a person who had once professed to love me pulsated under my skin. So, I decided that my best bet for mental stability was to get away from all reminders of Jacob, especially the tiny barn like house I'd been idling in front of for who knows how long.

Too long.

I decided to go home. At least there I would be away from all reminders of Jacob. With a quick glance behind me, I put my truck in reverse and then pressing my foot against the gas peddle I heard the truck's tires spin against the tiny rocks that made up his gravel driveway. "Good bye, Jacob." I muttered under my breath.

If my friend was going to avoid me from now on then I might as well bid him farewell. One more person gone from my life, I sighed.

While on the way back to Forks, I debated the option of escaping my now empty day by heading to Port Angeles. I knew once I reached the city there would be tons of trendy clothing stores awaiting my arrival. Going on an excursion to spend money buying outfits I would probably never wear had a nice ring to it. Doing this would have absolutely no connection to Edward and therefore would offer me some mind numbing peace. The only times I had been up to Port Angeles specifically to find high priced clothing to don was with Jessica, a friend who was well aware of what labels the cool kids wore. Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister, and Aeropostale … these were all retailers I knew existed, only because of my trendy shopping partner. To be honest I could have been just as comfortable wearing something from Walmart, but of course how could I buy clothing from a discount store when my boyfriend had a tiny fortune at his disposal.

The only places I would have to avoid on my trip northeast would be the ones that sold books. Edward and I had frequented both Borders Books and Music and Barnes and Noble quite often during our time together. Then of course there was my ill advised outing to find a bookstore which ended up being the catalyst that brought my vampire and me together for the first time. Okay, maybe this hastily planned shopping trip was not the best thing for my mental state. Already I was recalling Edward's swift entrance that night, the one that would eventually keep me from becoming just another rape statistic. Yet, I needed to think of something to do during the interim until Jasper arrived at my window ready for another round of 'Help Bella Sleep'. "Well, Jasper Hale I really need you to 'Help Bella Live'!" I grumbled to no one in particular.

Maybe I was hoping his voice would reappear if I spoke to it out loud. No Dice.

When I eventually pulled into the driveway of my house I still hadn't figured out how I was going to spend the rest of my day. The idea of downing a shot of my Dad's secret whiskey stash quickly entered and then exited my brain as I stepped out of my truck. No, not even I was that desperate … yet.

Then while trudging up to the front door, I realized that all of the activities contemplated by me during the drive back from La Push were for naught. There standing on the front porch was Jasper. His pale white hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his black leather jacket. He had been staring at the wood boards beneath his feet when I first noticed him, the blond waves of his hair falling haphazardly in front of his face. It was the hair that made me miss the look on his face. Had I been able to read his features I might have had warning of Jasper's disposition. As it was I really didn't need to see the intense stare he shot me as I ran towards him to know his mood. When I came near enough to feel his emotions, I halted. He was upset.

"Jasper …" I began tentatively, "What's wrong?"


	19. Chapter 19

_What am I doing?!_

I paused in my hysteria to take stock of the mess and chaos I had created inside Bella's room. It was in that moment, where I stepped away from tossing Bella's belongings left and right, that clarity struck me. I now knew the reason Alice chose to keep her full vision a secret from me. Alice and I had been together for over a half century and if she knew me at all, which I was sure she did, then my mate was well aware of my ability to obsess.

I could not have knowledge about being Bella's savior and not react to it … not make sure that the fragile human girl would forever be in my sight. My mission was to keep Bella alive and so, here I was creating a mess in order to discover her whereabouts and fulfill my obligation.

When I first arrived at Bella's home my plan was simply to stay off in the thick forest adjacent to the house. This way I would be able to avoid detection. I wanted to keep tabs on Bella, but more importantly I needed to make sure that the volatile creature visiting her would be on his best behavior. Before falling asleep, Bella had shared with me Jacob's intention of stopping by. They had argued at the funeral and as a result Bella had sent her wolf friend packing. Although, she did ask him to visit her the next morning, more than likely to make amends, so I wanted to ensure all was well with Jacob. If Alice had seen me saving Bella's life then there was no doubt in my mind that a temperamental wolf would be more than capable of causing such a thing as death.

Even though I had trained with the werewolves before our battle with the newborns, I still did not trust them. The creatures were unpredictable and also capable of destroying loved ones if a situation became too heated. Therefore I would not put it past Jacob to ruin the life of Bella if she did something he was not pleased with. It was possible that she might slip and reveal my past presence in her room or perhaps the wolf might smell my scent. Either way I needed to stay close during his visit. Every precaution had to be taken if, God forbid, he should harm her.

So, I stayed off in the distance, hoping to catch some snippet of conversation between Bella and her friend, all the while making myself ready to spring into action if need be. Yet, the only noise I heard came from the soft cooing of a mourning dove somewhere off in the trees and I decided to move a bit closer. Maybe I had judged the distance wrong. Without making any sound at all I inched forward, passing the greenery around me until it gave way and my eyes made out the white two story home of Bella and her father. I listened once more, but paused when I noticed that the vehicles usually loitering the driveway, Bella's truck and her father's cruiser, were gone. This sent a shiver of worry down my spine and I strained my ears again, noticing nothing stirring inside the home. Only the drip of a leaky faucet caught my attention. I stepped closer still … my desire to stay hidden fighting against my need to keep Bella safe. Again nothing. Bella was gone and that was when the panic took over.

_Where is she?!_

I pulled in all the smells from around the building through my nose, searching for any indication that Bella might have been hurt. Right away my mind began conjuring up images of the worst possible scenario - Bella left for dead at the claws of a ferocious wolf. Imagining her mangled body oozing the red that once in my life would have created a frenzy inside me, made me nauseous. I wanted to break down the front door in order to rescue the dying Bella of my mind. Although, when I reached the house's entryway a bit of sanity returned and I decided getting into the home through Bella's window would be far less destructive. Racing to the large oak growing juxtaposed to the window I would use as my entrance, I managed to scale the tree in a single motion. Then crouching on the largest branch I grasped the window's bottom edge and lifted it enough for my whole body to fit through. Gracefully I leapt forward and was in Bella's bedroom.

My eyes hurriedly scanned the area for anything amiss, but not even my vampire skills recognized a single item out of place. The room remained as it had when I left a few hours before. The sea of her worn clothes still littered the floor. Her bed's comforter was how I remembered it being, after Bella stepped away from sleeping to follow me to the window. So peaceful she had been under my influence. I shuddered to think what may have happened to her during the time that elapsed after my exit. My madness intensified at this thought and I began tearing apart her room for any indication of where she might be … a note … a smell … just some small clue of Bella Swan's location.

The energy of my search was similar to the hysteria I had felt upon realizing Alice was gone from my line of sight during our fight with the newborns. I had vowed when the battle began to make sure my love would be kept out of harms way. I was well aware of her skill at slaying vampires. The image of Alice detaching James's head as effortlessly as if it had been a rag doll was not easily forgotten. Still I could not help, but worry about Alice. Certainly she would be fine, but there was no way I would leave her alone. I had to make sure no injury would befall my love. Leaving behind the battle had been a difficult decision, but eventually my deep devotion to Alice won over. I simply had to know where she was. My state had been close to insanity while I searched for her and then of course I made my discovery … of burning vampire pieces.

I stopped and stepped away from the destruction caused by my own hands. My obsession to find Bella had transformed into my search for Alice. I was reliving her death all over again. No matter how hard I tried to forget the panic I felt that day it was always there … boiling beneath the surface. I took in a deep breath and let it whoosh out in a shudder. I was going crazy.

Bella was not here and I was pretty sure that Jacob had not been in her room either. His scent, although present, did not permeate the area like Bella's intoxicating smell. Jacob had not set foot or paw in her room today and if I calmed down enough to inspect the rest of the house I was positive there would be no lingering wolf stink there either. I let my face fall into my hands while I tried in vain to gain control of my declining sanity. How odd that only yesterday I had witnessed a similar destruction caused by Bella as she demolished Edward's things. Now here I was reenacting that same scene almost as if I were reading a script. I let out a morose laugh. The two of us truly were alike in our suffering.

It was then, during my short pause to reflect, that the loud sound of an all too familiar engine rattling came to my attention. My head snapped up at once.

Bella's truck.

I glanced out the window to see the object of my frantic search barreling down the driveway in her usual mode of transportation. Bella was alive; I sighed with relief, but in an instant that feeling transformed into worry. How would I explain the destruction of her room without looking insane? All around me things were toppled over. Her dresser lay on its back with the four drawers that usually contained clothing, strewn across the room, empty. The mattress she had slept on last night was now bare of any sheets and laying a few feet from the box springs it had occupied. Glass shards could be found randomly on the floor, the product of broken picture frames. There was simply no way I could explain myself out of this one.

I turned back toward the window when I heard the slamming of a door. Bella had exited her truck and was now only a few minutes away from discovering her room. I had to think fast. How could I distract her? As quickly as my able body was capable, I leapt back out the window, climbed down the tree and placed myself at her front door, before she even had time to reach the stairs leading to where I now stood.

I saw her beautiful wide brown eyes look up at me in surprise. Undoubtedly she had not expected me until later in the evening. I hoped my being there this early would not upset Bella and so, I waited in anticipation for her shock to change into some other emotion … a feeling more tangible that would express to me if she disapproved of my presence. Relief coursed through my body when I saw a half smile tug at the corner of her mouth. She was happy. I could feel it, but for whatever reason Bella tired to conceal that emotion from surfacing on her lips. Then with quick feet the girl increased her pace towards me only to halt seconds later. She stood at the foot of the stairs leading to the porch I stood on as if there was an invisible barrier keeping her from moving any further. I saw her eyebrows furrow with concern.

"Jasper …" Bella paused for a moment as if trying to find the right words, "What's wrong?"

Was something wrong? It seemed odd for her to ask such a thing of me and I wondered what would give the girl cause to voice concern. My face … did it still express the mad fervor I had felt during my search for her. Quickly I shook whatever emotion my expression held and I sent Bella my best variation of a smile. Unfortunately, she saw through my falsehood at once and walked up the stairs until we stood facing each other. "Jasper … whatever's wrong … you can tell me."

I saw her reach up as if to grasp my hand, but an uncertainty escaped Bella and in an instant her arms fell back to her sides. They stayed pressed there as if melded to her body. Still I could fell her worry for me. She meant what was said and no matter how fiercely I tired to fight it, the feeling of being patronized filled me. "Nothing is wrong," I insisted, perhaps a bit too sharply, "Where is Jacob? I thought the two of you would be meeting about this time."

I decided to change the subject. The less we focused on me the better. After my question was spoken though, I saw Bella hesitate a moment before darting her eyes downward away from mine. I instantly regretted saying anything. She pulled the bottom portion of her pink lips up into her mouth and then began chewing on it nervously.

"Yeah well … that didn't happen." Her voice came out in a mumble.

I sensed that something had transpired while I was gone … something that set Bella back by leaps in her emotional well being. She refused to meet my eyes, but I did not have to see the sorrowful look they held to know that Jacob had hurt her. I was well aware of the emotion of sadness billowing off of her in waves. What had that wolf done to increase her sorrow by such a large degree?

"Bella." I stated with an authoritative voice, "I am taking you out."

Our eyes met again and her furrowed brows from before returned. "Out?" Her voice was confused.

Yes, out was good. It would buy me some time before the demolition of her room was discovered and if I could make her forget about Jacob in the process then I would be killing two birds with one stone. "Do you remember when you offered me your help this morning?" I asked.

Bella nodded.

"Well, I would like to take you up on that offer."


	20. Chapter 20

I reached out my index finger and quickly punched the scan button on my truck's stereo in search of a different station. Jasper glanced at me from the corner of his eye, but said nothing. He focused back on the long stretch of road in front of him and I continued to seek out a song that did not have any connection to Edward. Not that Jasper's choice had me thinking of my lost love, truth be told I just hated country. I finally settled on a syrupy pop song that I only knew, because I occasionally heard it being played over the speakers at my place of employment.

A place I hadn't been to in awhile, I mused. Since Edward's death I hadn't set foot in Newton's Olympic Outfitters. This did not bother me in the least, though. On my list of things worry about my job was probably number 115. Besides I was pretty sure there would be no calls to my house wondering why I was a constant no call no show. At this point the whole town of Forks knew the majority of my life was spent up in my room … drowned in sorrow.

Well, until today.

Somehow after only venturing out for the funeral and then my ill advised trip to La Push this morning I now found myself passenger in my own vehicle with Jasper Hale at the wheel. Our destination - Port Angeles and that was about all I had managed to squeeze from my secretive vampire companion. If I was able to produce the strength to argue I might have fought for more details from him, but since the debacle with Jacob my bark had withered and at that moment I simply wanted to enjoy Jasper's company. He was after all exactly who I had sought out after the delusion of his voice in my head. How convenient that I should find him so soon.

"Hmmm … I never figured you for a fan of cookie cutter lip synching. My view of your musical tastes had you listening to music with a bit more edge, Bella." Jasper teased jarring me from my thoughts. His eyes were still facing forward.

"Hey … I let you drive my truck. The least you can do is let me play DJ." I shot back acidly although it was only half hearted.

Jasper pursed his lips. "And what exactly was wrong with the station I had it on. Hank Williams is a legend!" He articulated his last sentence with much more enthusiasm than I ever thought him capable of.

"I'm sorry, oh ancient one but, here in Bella's truck we like to keep things a bit more modern."

He grumbled at my slight to his age and after a few moments of silence I wondered if my words had bothered him. To my knowledge Jasper was only second to Carlisle in vampire maturity, having been changed during the midst of the civil war. During my nearly two years of being aware that things like vampires existed I had met others of Jasper's kind that were much older than him, but of his family Jasper had a good 60 years on most of them.

"What are you thinking, Bella? I sense a bit of sympathy coming off of you?"

_Damn! _

This was going to take some getting used to … being around Jasper and all his emotion reading glory. I was always pleased that Edward had been unable to read my thoughts. It let me keep a bit of myself from him and I liked having that privacy … a part of me that was solely mine. With Jasper though, I was not immune to his emotional telepathy and so, in a way he was delving into areas of my mind that I was not ready to expose.

"Well, Jasper I was wondering if we could maybe work on the reason why we are in this truck heading for Port Angeles?" I replied skirting his question.

"Which is?" He asked as if he had no idea.

I rolled my eyes at his pathetic attempt to ignore why the two of us were now together during the day, "My offer to help you, Jasper. How exactly does driving to Port Angeles fit into that?"

I heard a sigh escape the vampire's lips, but then nothing followed. The bouncy pop song on the radio finished with a pathetic crescendo that included a lot of sex related moaning and I quickly turned the radio off. Not what I wanted to hear at that moment.

"Jasper?" I hedged.

He didn't respond right away. A few minutes transpired before any sound, but the rumble of my truck's tires against the road could be heard. Then in a soft tenor Jasper finally spoke, "Okay, Bella Swan … Quid pro quo. I will tell you what you wish to know, but only if you reveal to me what Jacob Black did to you."

Now it was my turn to play dumb. Turning my body slightly, so that I was facing Jasper more directly, I pushed my brows together feigning confusion, "I'm not sure I know what you mean." I lied.

"Bella." Jasper spoke my name as if it were one long drawn out word almost like he was patronizing me, "Please … I could tell from the moment you mentioned his name that something happened between the two of you. You were sad … no, sad is not the right word for what I felt … devastated. What did that boy do to cause this?"

His words expressed an anger simmering within him and I decided it best to be honest instead of leading him on some rabbit trail of lies. He would figure it out eventually I grumbled to myself. No way could I escape his ability for long. "Really it was not just Jake that made me so upset. He was only following the orders of Sam." I decided to change the exact details of my meeting with Jacob so that Jasper would construe my mood shift as a result of a greater power.

Jasper turned his eyes on me then. The hazel like gold of his irises glinted in my direction, "Sam you say?" he asked with true surprise in his voice.

I nodded and my chauffeur turned his beautiful face back towards the road, "Why would he have anything to do with the damage I sensed inside you?"

I turned ideas over in my mind on how I would tell Jasper what he wanted to hear without troubling him anymore than he already seemed to be. If I was truthful and related that all the members of the pack were now forbidden to have any contact with me would that upset him and send him on a downward spiral of anger. I simply wanted to be in the presence of someone who could wipe away all the anguish of my life. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I needed Jasper to be calm … enough for him to be my shoulder to lean on. I gnawed on the inside of cheek while I contemplated how to answer my friend. "Well … Sam is concerned about … um … us."

The sound of the word 'us' as if Jasper and I were two wholes of one being came out sounding all wrong. I felt a bit embarrassed at the slip and knew Jasper would feel this emotion.

_Dammit!_

Thankfully my flub went unnoticed. Jasper seemed dead set on knowing more about why Sam had any connection to my sadness instead of recognizing the term I had used for both him and I, "Tell me more, Bella or are you intentionally trying to be vague."

I threw my hand up in defeat, "Fine!" My tone came out a bit more harshly than I wanted. "Sam told Jacob and all of the pack to keep away from me. They aren't happy that you and I were together yesterday at the funeral. I have no idea why Sam suddenly has his panties in a bunch over me hanging around vampires. It's not as if our being friends has any connotation to the treaty. God … why can't they just understand that I need you right now? You are the only one who completely understands what I am feeling and that's not just because you can read emotions, for Christ's sake!"

I childishly folded my arms across my chest in a definite manner and released my breath in a huff. A few seconds passed while I stewed in the irritation I had so vocally expressed moments before. I half expected Jasper to join me with his own sour disposition, but to my utter surprise I heard the soft rumble of a chuckle to my left. I twisted my head to face Jasper and my mouth dropped open slightly when I caught sight of a grin on his lips.

"You find this situation funny?" I asked exasperated.

Jasper shook his head, "Not in the least. I find Sam's order to the other shape shifters extremely troublesome, but you Bella … I find you pleasantly amusing. You can be quite the spitfire."

He shot me a smile that exposed his glorious white teeth and I returned his look with a scowl.

"Well, let's not discuss this now. I can see no use in talking about something that causes you so much sadness and anger. You have answered my question and now I suppose it is my turn to answer yours."

"The reason we are now heading for Port Angeles?" I asked, surprised that he was actually going to fulfill his promise.

"Yes. You see with all the turmoil we both have been experiencing these last few days I thought maybe some escapism was called for." He gestured with his hand indicating outside the windshield and it was then that I knew exactly where we had been heading all this time.

"The movies … you are taking me to the movies?" I'm not sure why this shocked me so much, but I could hear the anxiety straining my words, "Please tell me we are not here to see 'High School Musical 384'." I joked trying in vain to squash my semi hysterical state.

"On the contrary … I thought a Judd Apatow flick would be much more suiting." He said pulling into the movie cinema's lot where he slid into a parking spot with the greatest of ease.

Before I had chance to voice a yay or nay on this issue Jasper was at my door in a vampire second. He pulled it open and softly covered my hand with his icy own. "Do you object?"

I really did not know how I felt about this. These movies usually dealt with a procession of fart jokes followed by four letter words. I sighed.

_Screw it. _

I decided that instead of debating the pros and cons, the underlying truth was that spending the day in a dark theater with my friend while watching a movie was all I wanted. The film at hand simply had no association to how pleasant this idea sounded to me. "Not at all. Let's go see some fart jokes!" I laughed.

What an odd sound that was … my own laughter. Still I had laughed. After all the pain and sorrow I had experienced my vocal chords were still able to produce something I imagined all, but dead. It was nice to know that I still had this ability and I surmised that Jasper was the reason behind it all.


	21. Chapter 21

My plan was not very well thought out. Truth be told the idea of Bella and I catching a late morning matinee came to me only after I saw the large theater marquee from the highway – a whole 5 minutes before we entered the cinema's lobby.

When the two of us began our journey to the tourist trap town known as Port Angeles, my single goal was removing Bella from her home and in effect delaying her discovery of the bedroom I had laid waste to. Of course, the girl was not clued into this detail. Her reason for joining me was purely selfless. She wished to help pull me through the devastation of losing Alice. I had fooled her into believing this was what I wanted.

So, I drove. Not sure at first where I was heading. The western part of Washington State would place Bella in a location that held sadness for her. La Push and all its inhabitants were nestled in that area and from what I could tell my companion was not too keen on anything that reminded her of Jacob Black. The only other logical alternative had us heading east. Seattle was too busy and I estimated our mode of transportation – Bella truck, was not up for the challenge of long distance travel and so, Port Angeles seemed like our best option.

The duration of our drive was kept occupied with small talk. Nothing of consequence passed between the two of us at first. Mostly Bella made attempts at guessing what I had in store for us, something I honestly did not know myself and, so I played coy. This slightly irritated her, but for the most part she took it in stride. I actually sensed a bit of playfulness in her mood as each one of the questions she asked was lightheartedly thrown aside by me and it gave me peace to see a bit of her normal Bella like antics return.

Her well being was my main concern and I did not wish to harm Bella any further than I already knew her to be. Even the tiniest of slights such as refusing to answer a question she asked had me anxiety ridden. What would be Bella's final straw? The human spirit could only take so many hits and the wounded part of her soul had grown during my early morning absence. Bella would not admit it, but I was certain Jacob Black held the blame.

Even after I learned the reason behind the new sadness inside her, Bella still defended Jacob by placing the majority of fault on the wolf's leader, Sam. He had ordered all of his followers to stay away from the girl … something I found extremely troubling and also at complete odds with what I knew about the Quileute wolves. Their one reason for existence was to protect human kind from unnatural creatures such as me. If Bella and I were now an 'us' as she had put it then would that not give them that much more reason to keep tabs on her? No doubt, because of Bella they would know of my past in losing control with my true vampire nature. The oxymoron of this new pattern in their behavior confounded me and I wanted nothing more than to continue questioning Bella for more information on this unlikely new development.

Although, I did realize that the subject was more suited for a conversation with Carlisle and not Bella. I would most definitely talk of this change in the wolves' tactics with him once I returned home. At that moment though I decided to stick with my original mission of watching over Bella and keeping her safe … any questions that pertained to a certain wolf and his pack would no doubt be counterproductive. My goal would be to make her forget the cruel actions of Jacob and I could think of no better place to do this than in a movie theater?

I myself certainly had no desire to sit through 2 hours of crude humor. Instead my eyes and emotion reading capability would be fixed on Bella the entire time. Movie going was such a human thing to do – sitting in a darkened room with others littering the seats about you. Mostly a vampire would find this distracting. Our extra sensory abilities made it nearly impossible to tune out those around us. We could manage; indeed our brains held many compartments where unnecessary sounds such as teeth grinding against popcorn could be stored, but what would be the point. Personally I would much rather be at home in front of the large flat screen. No, my need in seeing a movie with Bella had more to do with keeping her near and protected than anything else.

Because of the early afternoon hour there was only one other small group sitting down front when we entered the dimly lit theater. I saw Bella eye the three men in the group and in a motion I did not expect she took a hold of my hand. Then leading me up the aisle she found our seats - far away from the others. We were secluded in the back and for a split second a devious thought entered my brain. Why would a male and female chose such seats when there was hardly anyone else in the room? A person's first inclination would be that the couple wished for privacy to conduct less than decent acts. I was sure that was what the large man sitting down front thought when I felt envy pulsate from his body as his beady eyes shamefully stared at Bella when we walked past. I even saw him glance back at us, his emotions indicating a perverse desire for Bella and instinctively a feral like snarl erupted through my clenched teeth. I was not sure if he heard me, but the pervert turned his focus back up to the screen soon thereafter. Although Bella, who was sitting much nearer to me had a front row seat to my vampire like display and sent me an askance look in response.

"What was that about?" she asked.

"Nothing." I replied curtly, but made sure to tighten my hold on her hand which now lay relaxed on the armrest between us.

"Ow!" I heard her exclaim sharply and then in a much softer voice she said, "Um human hand here, Jasper."

"Oh, sorry." I loosened the vice like grip I had trapped her hand in and turned my eyes away from the receding hairline of Bella's admirer and onto the girl. I gave her a half smile of apology.

In response she pulled her eyebrows together indicating anger, but her emotions read differently. Bella was teasing me. I opened my mouth to respond with my own teasing retort, but at that moment the previews began and her face became serene once more. The dark chocolate of her eyes left mine and fell upon the large screen in front of us, but of course, my eyes never left her.

Vampire peripheral vision made it so I could watch Bella undetected. I looked forward, but really my sight was locked on her as she toyed with a lose thread on her shirt with her free hand. Occasionally her eyes moved up to the movie, but they always found their way back down again to the thread. It was almost as if she suffered from Attention Deficient Disorder. The image was actually quite comical and had I not been so in control of my emotions a laugh or two might have escaped my lips. After about 10 minutes of this the girl switched her distraction to twirling with the end of her ponytail. I watched as the pale fingers of her hand ran through her dark tresses very eloquent like, almost as if she was playing an instrument. With each stroke of a lock I imagined as if she were playing a piano.

I continued to look upon Bella throughout the movie. Her motions were much more interesting to me than anything the screen might have offered. Bella for the most part seemed mildly amused with my movie choice. Occasionally I heard a low chuckle and the soft sound of her amusement formed a smile on my face. Yet, with everything she did there was one movement Bella performed that I had not been anticipating – the pull of a cell phone from her pocket.

"Damn. It's Charlie. I should probably take this." Bella whispered in my direction while her fingers quickly pushed the button that would silence the noisy ringer.

"Do you want me to come with you?" I asked as she shot up in her seat.

Bella rested a warm hand agasint my shoulder in an attempt to keep me seated. "No … it's okay, Jasper. I'll only be a second. I just realized that my dad has no idea I am with you in Port Angeles. As far as he knows I'm in La Push. I just hope he's not calling wondering where I am. For all I know he talked to Billy and discovered I was not there."

I nodded in her direction and watched as she bounded towards the exit. It was not until she had gone through the doors that a thought occurred to me– if Charlie was at home looking for Bella ... would he have perhaps entered her room during his search only to find the place a mess? What if he was not calling to check up with her, but was instead worried that his daughter had been abducted. A bedroom destroyed beyond recognition would certainly give someone reason to worry. In a split second I was on my feet racing down to reach Bella. I needed to right the misunderstanding I knew my earlier frenzy had more than likely caused.

As soon as I exited through the double doors I found Bella. She stood with her back to me, a black cell phone pressed against her ear. "Yeah, Dad … calm down. I'm fine. No. I have no idea how that happened. Of course, I'll come right home."

Her words were calm almost as if she was speaking to a child. My guess had been right. Charlie had seen my handy work and his mind most likely conjured up the darkest of scenarios. Slowly I walked around to face Bella and once she was aware of my presence her dark brown eyes sent me an apologetic look.

"No Dad. Don't call in anyone. It was probably Jake." She paused and I could hear her father ask why she had said that, "I really don't want to get into it right now. Just wait until I get home, alright."

She snapped her phone shut and returned the device back to the pocket it had occupied before. Then she addressed me with a sincere apology. "Sorry, but it looks like we'll have to cut the movie short. Jake made a mess of my room for whatever reason, probably just to kick me when I'm down. Regardless, Charlie's pretty upset about it … thought I was on a suicide mission."

I saw my opening as soon as the word Jake was spoken. Bella thought her former friend was the culprit behind the bedroom destruction … the opportunity to place my mess in the hands of another fell right into my lap like a gift. I would be in the clear.

That would have been the end of the story. Well, it would have been had that damned conscious of mine and empathy for others not existed. Those two combined together made it nearly impossible for me to let anyone else take the fall for my own heinous deed – even someone I loathed as much as Jacob Black. I sighed.

"You have it wrong, Bella. It wasn't Jacob."


	22. Chapter 22

The words Jasper had spoken seemed to hang heavily in the air around us, "Say again?" I asked, not entirely sure I had heard him right.

The vampire standing across from me actually seemed a bit nervous. His eyes darted downward for a moment as if he were embarrassed to look me in the face and when he glanced up once more there was an edgy look covering his features. Like he had some great secret locked inside him just waiting for release.

"Jasper … what is it?" I hadn't intended on sounding exasperated, but his delay with an answer coupled with the look on his face made me somewhat uncomfortable.

"Sorry," he smiled sheepishly "you see I had wanted to wait for a more appropriate setting to reveal this to you."

I leaned my back against the theater wall and my cryptic friend came to join me, his shoulders hunched over. He shoved his hands deep inside his jean pockets and sighed. I turned my body to face him, "You know I have no idea what you mean by that."

A bit of déjà vu hit me then. Hadn't I spoken those exact words to Edward during his -mysterious guess what kind of supernatural creature I am – phase. These vampires and their guarded ways … I really wished there did not have to be so much secrecy between myself and them. I had hoped my time as Edward's girlfriend would have indicated to Jasper my ability to be trusted. Releasing my frustration with a sigh I mimicked my companion.

A bit of humor lit his eyes then, "Of course you wouldn't, Bella." He softly cupped my cheek in his icy hand and then let it fall to his side, "You see what I am about to tell you might affect your … well, opinion of me."

I rolled my eyes, "Have you forgotten that you once tried to kill me? I think at this point whatever you've done would extremely pale in comparison."

I was surprised at my ability to reference the events of my 18th birthday with such calm. If anything it attested to the ease I now felt around Jasper and how little that incident meant to me. In only the span of a few days the creature that currently stood at my side had managed to build a new image of himself in my mind as a person that I knew to be loyal, friendly and trustworthy. Whatever Jasper would tell me, whatever deed he was afraid to divulged, well, I would accept him. In the depths of my heart I knew that there could be no other way.

"You may joke now, but we shall see." Jasper replied with a grimace.

I was unable to contain my groan of irritation, "Okay well, let's get it over with then. What did you do, Jasper Hale?"

The answer he responded with came out in a rush of vampire quickness. "I … I am the culprit. I am the reason Charlie called worrying about your safety. I am the one who destroyed your room."

His eyes were staring at the floor again and I wondered if he was perhaps afraid of what he might see in my face upon his admission. It was kind of odd. Why did he think that I would care so much about a destroyed room? After all it was not as if he had taken someone's life. So what if a few things of mine were broken. The material world hardly meant much to me anyway. Jasper should have known me well enough by now to gauge my disinterest in all things superficial. My one goal in life was to be with the ones I loved most and since two of them were now stolen away from me, why would I care in the least if an old wooden dresser picked up at some random garage sale years ago was damaged.

I eyed Jasper with a curious stare while he continued to analyze the bright red carpet threads beneath our feet. He had been so nervous to admit his destruction to me, but why? There had to be more to this story that he left unspoken. I analyzed the events of the day more deeply and wondered if his demolition had been the reason for his insistence in taking me out. Did he only do so, as a means of keeping me from entering my house and finding the mess he made? Suddenly the whole urgency of his plan of our excursion made sense. I had been duped.

"You never really wanted to talk to me about Alice, did you?" The sound of my words came out like a defeated whisper, "But, why? It doesn't make any sense. Why did you destroy my room?"

The look on his face when he slowly brought it up to meet mine was pained, "It began as a search for your scent," his voice was similar in tone to mine, "But, became something far more damaging. I began reliving that horrible memory of looking for Alice the day of the battle. It was almost like a fury and before I knew it the damage had been done."

Sorrow drenched his speech and I found it absolutely heartbreaking. I knew his pain all to well. The manic craze that came over you when the realization that nothing you did would bring back the one you loved. Hadn't Jasper been witness to my own personal meltdown in Edward's room yesterday? Why then did he feel that I would not understand? Of course I would! His emotions echoed my own pain. Our grief was equal.

"Oh, Jasper." I said as tears spilled down my cheeks unchecked.

I hesitated at first. There was a fear in me of stepping over that invisible line Jasper had not spoken about, but all the same I knew to be there. He was not comfortable with me displaying any form of sympathy towards him. True, he had held me while I wept my own tears over Edward the night before, but Jasper always seemed remote when it concerned his grief over Alice. Still I could not just stand there and do nothing after such a revelation from him. The courage of his admission overwhelmed me and I felt the trepidation inside my body begin to melt away. My arms reached out slowly, hesitantly, and then eventually I pulled him into the fiercest of hugs.

Somehow I managed to reach his height while standing on my tiptoes and then I moved my lips over to his ear. My words were soft and from the heart, "Do you realize now how much we need each other? You might have been lying when you told me that you wanted to talk about Alice with me, but you can't deny that I am the one person who understands your pain?"

I imagined as my embrace on Jasper tightened that he would reach out his own arms and pull my body into his harder. I wanted the walls he had built as a means of masking his suffering to crumble while we held onto each other, but I was mistaken. Nothing had changed. Jasper's demeanor was just as cold as his body when he replied, "I'm not so sure about that, Bella."

Then before I was able to comprehend what was happening I felt myself being pulled away from his concrete physique. "There is no one that can help me and I am not one to drop all of my problems upon a fragile human girl with a broken spirit. You have enough to deal with as it is."

What an asinine thing to say! I opened my mouth to protest his interpretation of our situation, but stopped when I heard the door behind me open. Jasper's eyes flickered over my shoulder and instantly I saw a change. The look of sorrow that had been displayed so fully across his face altered into one of rage. Narrowing his eyes I heard the anger he exhibited manifest itself into words, "What the hell are you looking at!" he all but growled.

I glanced in the direction of Jasper's glower and noticed one of the other theater occupants looking bugged eyed at us. I remembered him. He was the fat, balding man who much to my dismay had mentally undressed me. When our eyes had met inside the theater my female intuition related that I should steer clear of such lustful stares. It was a look I remembered all too well. That night when Edward had been my savior there had been one other man with similar eyes … one man who would have stolen my innocence given the chance. Of course, the person Jasper now stared daggers towards was not him. This man was much less intimidating … just a lonely soul who probably sought out girls like me to ogle, because it was the only action he would ever get.

"I um … I um …" Jasper's stare seemed to have robbed the man of any intelligible words.

"Leave us!" The vampire standing across from me ordered and the ruthless manner in which Jasper spoke sent a shiver down my spine.

I stood there waiting for the other theater patron to leave. I was looking at Jasper again and hoping that his anger would subside. It was so strong that his feeling of hate emanated onto me and I worried for the fate of all three of us if the person behind me did not mosey along his way.

"Jasper, please calm down. I can feel your anger." I whispered low enough that only vampire ears would detect.

My words of warning must have gone unheard by him. For in a matter of seconds, so soon in fact that I was unable to stop him, Jasper nudged me aside and I stumbled onto the floor. When I was able to gather my senses enough to realize what had happened I whirled my body around and gasped at what I saw.

"No! Jasper stop!" I shrieked.


	23. Chapter 23

The darkness I felt inside me as I approached the cowering man grew in intensity with each step I took. There was a longing to feel his fear and it swelled within my body. I could hear the protests from Bella off in what sounded like a far away distance, but still I longed for his pain and so, I continued. I would make him pay for the less than pure desires he directed towards the one who now called out for me to stop. A tiny speck of my brain knew exactly why she was asking me to cease in approaching the pathetic excuse for a human, but I ignored it. Of course, he posed no real threat to Bella. I could protect her without question, but still he should be taught a lesson. Yet, I could not quiet the girl's voice. My hands were already gripping his shirt collar and the perpetrator's face drained of all blood in response. I pulled in that terrified emotion of his and relished its flavor … like a fine wine. But, Bella … she was at my side struggling in vain to release my hold.

The absurdity of her fragile human strength trying to pull me away from my victim caused a laugh to rumble in my throat and it was that sound which made the vampire in me to quell. I no longer wished for the pain of the man whose smell of fear exhibited itself in sweat. I glanced down at him and noticed with disgust that the underarms of his T shirt were stained with a foul smelling liquid, but that was not the worst of it. His crotch was also marked with a fluid and on closer inspection I knew that the odor was not sweat.

I released him at once, horrified with myself. I would have said something … a form of apology, but within seconds Bella's admirer ran off. "Oh dear God!" I heard him exclaim as the door of the mens' restroom slammed shut behind him.

"What were you thinking, Jasper?!" a frantic feminine voice at my side asked.

I turned to face Bella, who was still grasping my arm with all her strength. Her eyes were wide exposing the whites around her brown irises to their fullest. The horrified expression lighting her face shamed me. "I … I don't know." And I truly didn't

I covered my face with my hands. I had not been thinking at all. The vampire within had ruled over everything. All of the years I spent living with my family trying to suppress the inhuman part of my nature and here I was willing to kill a man for an emotion that was only natural - the wanting of an attractive female. Yes, his lust felt perverse, but I had no doubt that this man would have never approached Bella. His kind lacked any amount of courage when it came to women. Instead they filled their nights in front of computer sites that charged $9.95 a minute.

So, why then had I reacted with such venom once I saw into his desires. Was it simply Exhibit A in the case to prove my slowly deteriorating mind? This madness … the inability to control myself … this must all have stemmed from my broken spirit due to Alice's passing. The loss of her life had also brought about the loss of my sanity.

I could still feel Bella's hold upon me and uncovering my face I looked around to see if any other human eyes beside Bella's had been witness to my near attack. The hallway we occupied was empty. No theater patrons or ushers were in sight. This solved one of my problems, but not the other. Bella had seen all. She was witness to the evil that I usually kept locked away and horror fell over me for having exposed the girl once again to the darkest part of a vampire.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." I said, not sure if the simple apology would be enough to erase the image of depravity I had displayed only moments earlier.

I decided then that an escape from our surroundings would be best. No doubt I had frightened my victim enough that if he gained the courage to exit the bathroom then reinforcements in the form of the law might be called in. I would not expose Bella to that kind of trauma. If she had to play witness to a man's assault charge while the police questioned her then I could never live with myself.

"Let's go." I moved Bella's fingers down my forearm with ease and placed her hand into my own.

Then using a swift pace I led her toward the exit. I saw the curious looks of others in the lobby glance at the couple moving with breakneck speed past them, but I cared little what they thought. My main concern was removing Bella from our precarious situation more than a few probing eyes catching sight of us and wondering how I managed to move so fast. We simply had to escape this place before anything could be made of my display.

Looking out through the glass doors that led to our freedom, I could see that the ever present rain of the Olympic Peninsula was falling once more. I pulled Bella closer into my body as a means of protecting her from becoming wet and she seemed to fall effortlessly into my hold. Her own arms wrapped around my waist and held on fiercely. She leaned her face into the soft material of my shirt and for a split second I wondered if I had heard the intake of her breath correctly. Was she smelling me? Shrugging this off I pushed open the door and then we moved in tandem out into the drenched world. Our destination was her truck … the vehicle that would provide our getaway.

I became Bella's chauffer once more and when we were both seated safely inside the dryness of the truck's metal cab I peeled out onto the highway. I made an attempt to put a safe distance between ourselves and the theater before allowing anything else to fill my head. Knowing Bella's reaction to the events I had provoked inside the theater was important, but I delayed thinking of this.

Five miles into our drive I finally allowed my emotional telepathy to search for any indication as to what Bella might be feeling. I needed to know how badly I had broken our relationship … what she now thought of me. To my surprise I felt sympathy. That same pity she had been radiating on our drive to Port Angeles once again filled the space between us. Even though I probed enough to know Bella did not harbor any ill feelings towards me I just could not believe my actions had not caused any amount of disgust from her.

"You must think me a monster, Bella." I reluctantly said wanting to break the tense silence we sat in.

My face was forward, but tilted enough to the right that I could see her expression. I had expected a sour look to cover her face, but her forehead creased with that damned sympathy I felt pouring from her body. Her head shook slightly and a few lose strands of her hair swayed with the movement. Her eyes peered over to me and in a voice that sounded aged beyond her young 18, she replied, "How can I judge you Jasper? Should I view your actions any differently than my own? Just because your look of anger is more frightening than mine … well, does that make it any different? I destroyed Edward's room. You threaten a man. What matters is that you were able to stop."

Why did her heart have to be so forgiving? It was just not human to be that way. All I wanted at that moment was to hate myself and Bella was not helping me along. I needed to put an end to her supposed understanding. No matter how inhuman her characteristics might be, Bella was still part of a race that could never understand what it was like to be a vampire.

"Stop! Just stop patronizing me, Bella!" Again I could not control myself as the words came out in the form of a roar, "I am a monster and this is what I am. Alice made me a little less of the vampire Maria created all those years ago, but with Alice gone I can no longer fight off the beast." I was unable to reign in the self hatred that flowed inside me like blood.

I waited for Bella to respond. My forceful exhibition of anger should have been enough to evoke some form of reaction in her. Bella was known for speaking her mind when she felt strongly about something and sure enough the girl sitting next to me did not disappoint. I saw from the corner of my eye her lips purse. I could sense the determination inside her. Although the tone of her voice when she spoke did not match that emotion. The sound was nearly a whisper away from a cry.

"Yes, Jasper, Alice is gone just as Edward is. This can't be changed. No matter how long I wish for him to be returned Edward is not coming back from the dead. It fills me with such a sense of loss." She paused here and I could feel her determination faltering. The pain she felt at having to speak of Edward was almost too much for me to bear, but still Bella continued. "I realize you must think that I am only human and unable to understand the feelings of a 100 plus year old vampire who has just lost his mate, but Jasper … I do understand and you must trust me when I say that I can help you. We can help each other–"

"Impossible." I interrupted.

I had not intended for my thoughts to be spoken out loud. They exited my mouth before I was able to realize my internal monologue had become spoken word.

"Oh what is it with all you vampires and your internal struggles that no one can understand? Edward was the same damn way and I proved him wrong. So, screw this Japser! I am going to help you through this whether you like it or not!"

The change in Bella's demeanor startled me. The anger I had wanted her to display before was now in full force, but not exactly directed where I had hoped. She did not find irritation with my vampire evil, but instead with my stubbornness which I suppose was more of the quality of a human man. I turned to give her a quick glance and the look I was greeted with was more frightening than anything I had ever exhibited in all my years as a vampire. These human females and their ways of forcing your hand with their anger … at the sight of Bella sitting there with her eyes ablaze, well, it melted my icy heart. She really was willing to force herself into my suffering to try and understand my pain. I could feel the intense will in her to do so. How could I refuse? Besides, I mentally reasoned, it just seemed like such a bad omen to ignore someone with a look like hers upon their face.

"Okay, Bella. I relent. Just please don't ever look at me that way again." I teased, hoping the humor of my words would calm her anger.

It worked. A half smile curved her lips when she answered, "Well, don't ever give me reason to release Bella's bitch face again."

I replied to her threat with a wink and a half smile of my own, "Consider it done."


	24. Chapter 24

I stared out through the windshield of my truck and watched as the rain drops crashed violently into the glass. Slowly they made a trail down the window until disappearing completely upon meeting the hood. I'm not sure how long I had been sitting there, 10 maybe 15 minutes. Honestly, I could have cared less about the rain … hadn't I seen enough of it since moving to Forks. No, my only reason for remaining stagnant inside my vehicle was to delay the inevitable. I was now parked in front of my home. No doubt, Charlie was sitting inside waiting anxiously for me to enter and explain Jasper's destruction.

Only I had decided that I could not lay the blame on my friend. How would that look to my dad if this boy, who barely came around before, suddenly felt the urge to enter our house and break various items? It would be head scratching to say the least. My main fear though was that overprotective Charlie would emerge and try to keep Jasper from ever having any contact with me again. Not to mention that this would enrage the town sheriff in him. What would lay in store for the one who had entered our home illegally and damaged property? Whatever the punishment was I did not want Jasper, who had already been through enough already, to fall prey to the justice system, even if he had been the perpetrator. On the other hand, I knew that I would be able to avoid condemnation for destroying my own things in a moment of misery. So, I would take the fall regardless of what this lie might hold in store for me.

It hadn't surprised me in the least when Jasper strongly refused to have his mess fall into my lap, but I was steadfast. I needed him to stay a presence in my life … not just at night while I slept, but also during my waking hours and I knew Charlie would voice his opposition to this if he thought Jasper was capable of violence.

Glancing out the driver's side window I wondered exactly where my vampire had escaped to. A mile from my house Jasper had vacated my truck and I took over driving duties. I watched him standing in the downpour, his blond locks turning a shade darker from the rain. "I'll come back after you speak with Charlie." He had said and followed this with a quick embrace.

I wondered where he was planning on meeting me. I honestly did not like the feeling of him being away from me for even a few moments. So much had passed between us in such a short time and I was unwilling to let that emotion, of two people finally understanding each other, go. An intense need for him struck me immediately as I watched the disturbance in the air that was Jasper whooshing away. Was he now standing out in the rain waiting for me to talk with Charlie?

I imagined the rain falling around him and soaking his clothes, my mind picturing the cornflower blue shirt I had smelled earlier clinging to the contours of his sculpted chest. Well, how selfish of me to let him stay out in the wetness while I remained dry inside my truck. I had to talk with my dad and with that thought I turned the key downward inside the ignition. The truck's engine rumbled to a stop.

"Here goes." I whispered to Jasper, wondering if he could hear me.

Opening the rusty door to my left, I raced towards the rain soaked white steps that led to the front porch. I tried avoiding becoming too drenched and in my haste the freshly fallen rain caused me to lose my footing on the bottom step. Automatically, I flung out my hands trying to lessen the inevitable impact of the steps that came rushing up to meet my face.

"Ow!" I exclaimed, realizing that the collision would more than likely leave a mark on my left eye which had borne the brunt.

"Bella!" I heard my name being called from above.

I did not have to look up to see who spoke. Instantly I recognize the anxiousness of Charlie's voice. It was a tone he had been using regularly since Edward's death.

"I'm fine, Dad." I said and within a few seconds I felt my body being pulled up into a standing position.

Charlie's face met mine and he grimaced at the sight of me. "You're bleeding."

I reached up to touch the damaged skin around my eye which was now throbbing in pain. When I pulled my hand away a deep red covered my fingers. I could feel the nausea in my stomach beginning to build almost instantaneousy as the metallic smell of blood burned my nose.

"Let's get you inside." Charlie tightened his hold around me and essentially used all his strength to lift me into the house like a groom carrying his new bride over the threshold.

I probably would have protested had the situation been different. What an awkward thing to endure … Charlie cradling me like a little baby, but still the sight and smell of blood had such a hold on my weak constitution that I needed my dad's support. Once we passed through the door Charlie did not seem surprised in the least when I scrambled down from his arms. I wasn't sure if I heard a slightly amused laugh from him or not as I ran straight for the downstairs bathroom. He did not follow and once I was alone inside, I closed the door, so that I could collapse to the floor in private. While lying down on the soft bathroom mat, I waited for the rollercoaster inside my stomach to subside and hoped against hope that I could keep myself from throwing up. I made sure to focus my attention away from the acid working its way up my throat and closed my eyes. Relaxing as best I could, I made a decision to think of the one person who had the ability to bring about calm in me.

_Jasper._

I thought of the short hug we had shared inside my truck as he said goodbye. Inside my head the image of his lingering hand on my check while promising to return flashed and as I lay my head against the bathroom mat calm began to envelop me. Slowly the nausea I felt lessened as these reflections of Jasper flickered behind my eyes. I could not help, but feel a little surprised at how quickly thinking of Jasper had taken away the turmoil wrecking havoc with my insides. Was it possible to feel such relief from grief and sickness by just having the presence of someone else in your life who understood? It would have been incomprehensible for the old unbroken Bella to think that Jasper Hale would turn out to be her savior, but he had.

"Bella … uh, do you need anything?" Charlie's voice jarred me from the daydreaming.

My eyes shot open and I was happy to discover that I no longer felt like vomiting. I had willed myself not to lose the contents of my stomach! Well, actually I had to share a bit of that credit with Jasper. He was in fact the image that kept me from worshiping the porcelain throne.

"I'll be just a minute." I shouted back through the door.

"I have some gauze and tape ready for whenever you come out."

_Sure you do. _

Charlie had a few first aid kits stashed around the house … just perfect for someone as clumsy as me. I exited the restroom and while letting myself be doctored by my dad I decided that I would approach the topic of my destroyed room before he had a chance to.

"So … about my room. There is something you should probably know about that." I winced as Charlie placed a bit of pressure on my wound.

I saw his dark brown bushy eyebrows raise a bit before he replied calmly, "Yeah … and what might that be, Bells?"

"Well, uh … it wasn't Jake that broke all my stuff."

His eyes stared at me unfazed as if what I was saying wasn't a big revelation to him. "Uh huh … and who do you think did?"

I gulped, "Me."

Charlie still did not react in the manner I had expected him to. There was no look of shock covering his face. Instead he sighed and then tracing his rough and worn thumb across the gauze tape he had just applied, my dad stated in a bored drawl, "All done here."

Then he slowly leaned back next to me on the couch. He was quiet for an extremely long minute with his arms crossed across his chest. His look was contemplative, but not angry or upset.

_What the hell was he thinking?_

"Dad …?" my voice was cautious.

He glanced over at me, but quickly returned to staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. "Bella, I think it's time to take some precautionary measures about your … sadness." He stumbled on the last word as if not entirely sure it was the correct term to use.

"What does that mean?" I honestly didn't understand where he was going with this.

"I've already called around to some counselors in Port Angeles. I was pretty sure that Forks would not be able to offer anything for your type of pain, but Bella … I uh don't think what you did in your room was healthy. You need to find other ways of expressing your depression and to me, going to see someone else … someone who is trained in this sort of thing might be for the best."

I'm not sure why this surprised me at all. Hadn't Charlie brought this subject up once before when broken Bella had made her first appearance after the Cullens left? At that time I would not have it and I fought tooth and nail against going to talk to someone about my _issues._ Still I was caught off guard with my dad's suggestion and I wondered how to respond. I no longer felt the impulsive urge to refuse such a thing as counseling. Of course, I would not be able to share everything about how I felt or my life, but somehow knowing that Jasper would be there helping me along the way made the subject of going to see a shrink less unpleasant. There was also the matter of wanting to make sure Charlie wouldn't worry about me. If he knew I was seeing someone about my pain then I think this would elevate some of his anxiety.

He was still not looking at me and had unconsciously begun to stroke his mustache. I smiled. Having to sit down and express his concern for me was probably one of the hardest things he ever had to do and I loved him all the more for it.

"Okay." I said.

Charlie seemed stunned by my quick and positive response. He arched an eyebrow in skepticism. "Huh?"

"I'll go. Just give me the time and place and I'll drive up to Port Angeles to have my head checked." I made an exaggerated facial expression while pointing to my forehead.

Better to make light of the subject and ease the tension I was sure Charlie felt at having to speak with me about it.

Charlie's face lightened considerably as did his voice when he grasped what I was saying, "Sure … sure! Well, I wasn't certain if you wanted to see a man or woman, so I wrote a couple of names down." My dad bounced up from the couch and headed towards the kitchen in a quick pace.

He returned moments later with a white post it that had five names and numbers scrawled on it in barely legible handwriting. "I figured you would want to investigate for yourself."

"Yes, of course. Thanks." I took the note from his fingers and placed it in my palm. "Now if you'll excuse me I think I will do just that."

"Yeah, sure!" He nodded fervently unable to mask the intense lift in spirit he was now feeling.

I couldn't hide the tug of a grin that pulled at the corners of my mouth and as soon as I was out of his sight my lips blossomed into a full out smile. It was almost as if Jasper had worked his calming abilities on Charlie. I was nearly halfway up the stairs when it dawned on me. Charlie's uplifted mood and Jasper's newfound presence in my life. He couldn't have … could he? I by passed the last two steps with a single bound and in an instant was at the door to my bedroom. Then I turned the knob and walked inside.

"Hey." A familiar Texan accent greeted me.


	25. Chapter 25

"Jasper!" Bella's words came out in a hushed whisper, but the softness of her voice did not make the tone she used any less harsh.

She was upset or rather worried about the trouble my presence might create if Charlie discovered a man inside her room. "What are you doing in here?"

The plan I had worked out in my head gave me no reason to react to the frustration she displayed towards me. "How is your eye?" I asked nonchalantly.

My calm irritated Bella, "You have to leave. Charlie is in a good mood now, although I assume you had a hand in that, but still if he finds you up here there is no amount of Jasper mojo magic that will stop the protective father in him."

I tried not to smile, but her choice of words to describe my extra sensory vampire skill amused me. The more I was around Bella the more I became used to her and the sarcastic sense of humor she often used was definitely a quality I enjoyed.

"Stop grinning at me! You have to get out … now." She stumbled across the scattered items of my earlier mess in an attempt to reach me, but tripped instead.

Naturally, I was able to catch Bella before any more injuries could befall her and as I held her in my arms I could not help, but reply with a sarcastic remark of my own, "Walk much?"

Her face had fallen straight into my chest and at my teasing she looked up with those large brown eyes of hers and said, "I don't know, Jasper. Maybe, it wouldn't be so difficult to walk if the floor wasn't covered with things that didn't belong there."

I felt the girl's body shift away from mine as she found her footing once more. Then Bella reached up a hand to rub where her forehead had met my upper torso. No doubt the impact was felt, since her face was no match for the stone like quality of a vampire's body.

"Ah, don't fool yourself. I saw your crash downstairs on the steps. To me that fall just now would seem to be the product of a lifetime of clumsiness instead of my doing." I continued to tease.

Bella's hand moved over to the bandage covering her injury and I saw her face change from irritation to concern, "Does this bother you? I mean there is fresh blood behind this."

I dismissed her fear with a wave of my hand, "I'm fine."

She was still worried about my control. I should have expected as much after my near attack on a civilian in front of Bella's eyes, but still this did not mean I had the urge to taste her blood. Yes, I could smell the wound, but my need to protect Bella outweighed any desire I felt lurking below the surface. I would never ever repeat the events of her 18th birthday and I wondered how long I would have to wait before I could ease any doubt of this in Bella's mind. Maybe a lifetime. Well, if that is what it took then so be it. After the full extent of Alice's vision was related to me by Esme, I knew that nothing could keep me far from Bella again. Making it so she would not fall victim to what my love had seen would be my only concern for a very long time. The human girl standing in front of me now would see a full life. She was my existence's new purpose.

Bella seemed satisfied with my response about her blood not tempting me and then got back down to the business of removing me from her room. "Okay, I'm glad, but seriously, you have to go."

"Can I at least tell you of my plan?"

Her mouth opened as if to fight me on what I said, but as the words I spoke sunk in, confusion covered her face, "Plan?"

I nodded and then in a swift movement reached down to pull up her twin mattress, which had been lying far from its proper place. I heaved it onto the box springs where it should have been and made a seat for myself. Then I motioned for Bella to join me. She crossed her arms tightly across her chest and I felt uncertainty in her. "It won't take long." I promised.

Looking downward as if trying to avoid another run in with things capable of making her fall, Bella carefully walked over to the bed. She sat down next to me and I heard a soft sigh escape her lips, which was followed by, "Alright, but you have 5 minutes to explain."

I could not help, but roll my eyes. "What do you think will happen, Bella? If Charlie is at all concerned about what is going on in your room, do you not think I will be able to hear him coming up the stairs and make my exit before he is any wiser? I mean I have been up here since your fall and heard everything that exchanged between the two of you. I do have excellent ears."

Bella's expression did not change and the look she gave me felt tinged with the face she had worn during our ride back from the theater, "I thought Bella's bitch face had been retired for now." I commented.

At those words the hard edge of her look and also her emotions softened. I felt a light humor fall from Bella and although, she tried in vain to fight it, the corners of her mouth curved upwards sheepishly. "Okay, I'm sorry. Please, tell me what you mean by plan. I will behave myself. It's only my fear of upsetting Charlie more than he already is that makes me get all riled up."

Of course, that was her reason. It was no surprise to me that her father was at the forefront of the girl's thoughts. I had always been aware of the strong love she felt for him. I remembered how fervently Bella had fought to go back for Charlie when James was tracking her. Instead of her own safety she had thought of her father's instead. With that image of her unconditional devotion to him in my head, I smiled at Bella and took a hold of her hand which had been resting palm up in the little space between our seated bodies. I entwined my fingers with hers and she did not pull away as I worried she might. Instead, I felt the warm pressure of her hand squeezing mine. She was looking at me with questioning eyes and I cleared my throat to answer, "For now I have, but one simple request before I can explain everything I have thought out. Go to Charlie and tell him that you have called me over to help with the mess. He won't complain. I sense that his happiness at finally having seen some progress in you will rule out any cynicism he might feel towards me. Besides he might as well get used to my presence here. Now go do that and I will be back here at your front door knocking like a true gentleman in 15 minutes."

I could see that she understood and would not push for any further clarification. "Okay, Jasper, but please when you come back can you make sure that your clothes aren't soaking wet?"

She removed her hand from mine and shook off the few drops of water that had fallen from my jacket sleeve onto her skin. "Of course," I chuckled, "Although, I must remind you that I was not the one who took 15 minutes to enter a house while you stood out in the pouring rain."

"Blah, Blah, Blah." Bella mocked with a smile.

"Alright you extremely hard to please girl, I will return." I did not wait around for a reply and instantly set my plan into motion.

In a matter of seconds I was out her window and racing towards that big white house I called home. My journey using vampire speed lasted a mere 5 minutes. Although, when I approached my family's home I did slow down my pace a bit. This way I could avoid an unwanted run in with Rosalie. I did not know exactly where she might be and now was not the time for a confrontation. Yes, she would eventually be spoken to, but at that moment my goal had nothing to do with her. I simply wanted to retrieve the items I sought and request use of Carlisle's Mercedes. There was always the option of using Alice's Porsche, but my mind would not even allow me to think in that direction just yet. Things that had belonged to her were still very much touched with sadness for me.

Eventually I reached the entrance and upon walking through the door I found the living room to my left full. Unfortunately, Rosalie was among them. I made a point of avoiding eye contact with my sister and passed over the other faces until I settled on Carlisle's. "Your Mercedes … may I borrow it?" I asked.

I knew he had taken a week off from his duties at the hospital in order to grieve properly for his dead children and so, I was not surprised with his response, "Of course, Jasper. Anytime you need to, just take it. There is no need to ask."

I nodded in his direction and made my way towards the stairs. No one said a word to me as I passed and I guessed their silence was directly related to the apprehension they all felt, especially Rosalie. Only Esme was calm. My mother was the one member of my family who knew exactly why I would continue to involve Bella in my life and this made her my only ally. The thought of that was comforting.

Leaving the others behind, I moved up the stairs in one fast movement, although I began to slow as I walked the length of the hallway. Each step I took brought about an ache inside my chest that increased in strength as I neared my destination.

_Alice's room._

Everyone had referred to it as such even though I had been her partner and obviously shared a bedroom with my mate. My eccentric little pixie had influenced all that was inside our room. My things, which were not many to begin with, had all been delegated to a small dresser located in the corner, but Alice's touch … well, it was on everything beyond the door I was now staring down and struggling to approach.

This was not the first time since her death that I had been unable to move beyond the hallway. It was always with great effort that I attempted to get past the safety of not remembering and on to the full force of Alice as if her spirit had been fused with the walls inside. But, I needed to get past my fear. There was another who felt a pain similar in severity to mine and I needed to return to her side. Somehow thinking of Bella made my trial less painful and sucking in a deep breath for added courage I turned the knob.

My eyes instantly fell on the dark blue carpet beneath my feet as I walked through the door frame. I refused to focus on anything except that and hurriedly raced towards the little wooden dresser Alice has purchased for me at an antique show years before. The top drawer protested with a squeak as I opened it to reach inside and then groping around with my fingers I eventually grasped the envelope I had been seeking.

Two articles of paper were concealed within that would prove very vital in the plan I had constructed while eavesdropping on Bella's conversation with her father.

One was my birth certificate and the other a scrap of paper with a phone number and the name J. Jenks written beneath it.


	26. Chapter 26

Although there were so many questions I wanted to ask him, I could see that now was not the time. So, I let Jasper go and as he darted for the window my weak human eyes followed his fast movements as his form disappeared in a blur of color. He could definitely make an exit. I would give Jasper that. Moving over to the windowsill I placed my hands on the ledge and leaned out to see if any trace of him remained, but mostly I just watched as the steady rain continued to pelt the earth. He was gone before I could even realize that he was.

_Vampires_. I mentally grumbled.

There were so many things about Jasper's world that would never cease to amaze me. I still was unsure how the extremely ordinary me ever found a way to get caught up with these supernatural creatures and I would probably never understand. I was sure that if I sat down long enough to really comprehend it all my brain would explode. Well, that really wouldn't be conducive to Jasper's plan now would it? Better keep my mind on other things … like what I would tell Charlie to keep _his_ brain from exploding.

Jasper assured me that Charlie would begrudging allow him to help with the reorganization of my room, but could I trust the emotions he had sensed from my dad? Reading minds was one thing, but feelings … those were tricky. Charlie had been on edge ever since Edward's death and I wondered if he would be so eager to have another mysterious Cullen boy enter my life. I sighed heavily at the prospect of his reaction.

Eventually, I tired of rain gazing and sat back down on the bed Jasper and I had occupied only moments before. The wet spot where his soaked clothes had come in contact with the mattress was still there and absently I brushed a hand across it. If the mark hung around long enough I would have to make a joke to Jasper about how he had wet himself. That would get him to laugh, and then my mind brought forth the breathtaking vampire smile he had shot me earlier after my comment about his emotion reading ability being mojo. It gave me pleasure to know I had been able to produce that kind of reaction in him.

Happy Jasper was much more agreeable than his self loathing counterpart. If the two of us were going to be involved in each others lives from now on then I would make it my mission to bring about more of those brilliant smiles. Not just because it would help him forget about the loss in his life, but because I needed to see Jasper happy. When he was that way it did something to me. The scattered pieces my heart had become after Edward's passing didn't seem so broken when I gazed at that blinding smile of his.

Jasper had never been one to express happiness easily. From what I recalled during the times I had spent with him before, there was always a bit of sorrow and trepidation behind his ocher eyes. No doubt, this was a product of his violent newborn vampire years that had been spent creating and destroying others of his kind. Even now the tale of his second life's beginning sent a chill down my spine as I sat and remembered all he had endured before finding Alice.

She had been the turning point in his life, though and I was sure Alice had been witness to many of his smiles. I though, had never witnessed Jasper express happiness on his face until recently and the image was something to behold. The way his lips framed his teeth when they became exposed during a smile was simply amazing. When Jasper smiled his upper lip would curl up a bit to reveal a mouth full of teeth that were just as beautiful as they were dangerous and the experience of seeing that left me dazzled.

The more I let my mind think about it the more Jasper reminded me of Edward when the two of us had first met. Edward's eyes had always held a bit of sadness behind them just like Jasper's, although my boyfriend's had been more conflicted. No doubt he had been fighting against his need for me. Tightly shutting my eyes I was able to travel backward in time across the recesses of my memories to see the face of the one I loved as he sat across the lunch room from me. The frustrated stare I remembered being on Edward's face was just as clear to me now as it had been all those months ago, although it seemed to falter a bit as his topaz eyes looked intensely in my direction. It was still Edward, but the shape of the sharp jaw line seemed altered somehow and the hair was a little less bronze … lighter.

Instantly my eyes shot open once I realized what was happening. My brain was confusing one vampire for another and without knowing I had created some form of an Edward/Jasper hybrid.

_Oh, my. _

I really did need therapy. First I heard his voice in my head and now this! Although, I suppose it was only to be expected. The vampire who claimed my heart was now gone and in his place I had found a friend who was every bit as nonhuman as the other had been. Jasper was the one I found myself leaning on for support and therefore my brain in its already fragile state was simply creating an image it thought would shelter me from the pain of remembering Edward.

A knock at my door shook me from my contemplation and I shouted in response, "Come in."

The door opened and Charlie stood framed in my doorway. At first he did not speak and I wondered if perhaps he was gathering courage to have another one of his_ difficult _discussion with me.

"Yes?" I prompted.

Then I saw his mouth turn downward into a frown and I wondered just how bad this talk was going to be, "Do you mind telling me why Jasper Hale is downstairs at our front door? He said you called him over to help with your room."

_Oh, Crap!_

15 minutes really couldn't have elapsed during my daydreaming. I glanced over to my clock only to discover it was not where it usually sat. In fact the desk that had been home to the time keeping device was also missing. Man … Jasper really had done a number to my room.

"Um … yeah, I suppose I did. Hope you don't mind." I tried to use some of my persuasive charm on my dad and sent him an 'I love you so much, please don't kill me' smile, although I could hardly say the tactic worked.

Charlie rolled his eyes at my attempt to butter him up and grumbled, "I don't like this, Bells. Why are you getting involved with another one of them?"

It was hard to miss the exaggerated tone he had used while pronouncing the term 'them'. Charlie had nothing against the Cullens personally. In fact Alice had become somewhat of a favorite person of his, but the men of that family … well, Edward to be more precise, held no special place in his heart. I could only assume that Jasper was being lumped in with my former boyfriend.

"Please Dad, he's the only one who understands what I am going through right now."

I made sure to say this in a hushed manner as if I were in pain. I really didn't want to play into my dad's sympathies, but I saw no other way of resolving our issue without an argument erupting. I knew Charlie well and right on cue the loving father buried deep inside him took over. He relented with an unintelligible mumble and sulked away, but then quickly returned to tap a finger forcefully on my door. "Keep this open." He all, but ordered and then left.

A minute went by before a much different kind of person took Charlie's place. I was unable to contain the smile of happiness I felt spreading across my face. Jasper sent me his own replying grin while stating, "I take it you forgot to tell Charlie I was coming over. When he answered the door I thought the man was going to punch me in the face. He certainly emoted that."

"Nah … I was too busy cleaning up this urine stain you left. Haven't you found the time in all of your years to learn the benefits of a toilet?" I joked as I pointed to the wet spot next to me.

I was quite unprepared for Jasper's reaction to my teasing since he did something I would have never expected from him. He laughed. The sound was not just a chuckle or a single syllable HA. No, I saw the full extent of what Jasper Hale looked and sounded like when he was deeply amused. Those semi full lips of his spread open revealing not only his large white teeth, but also smile lines around his mouth and eyes. The sound of his laugh was loud and contagious. I half thought I would faint from the experience. When he calmed himself down enough to recover from my joke, I still sat there staring at him like an idiot.

He had to come and stand next to me before I was even able to recover from my dazzle overdose. "Bella, I promise you that being a vampire makes it simply impossible for that spot there to be my urine." He said still exposing his teeth, but with a much more subdued grin.

While he stood there at my side I noted that his clothes had been changed. Another blue shirt although darker in color from the one he donned earlier now covered his upper body and a new pair of khakis hid his long muscular legs. These two things were not the only difference I saw on him, though. In Jasper's right hand there was a white envelope and I inspected this item in his grasp with curiosity. "What's that?" I asked pointing to the object of my interest.

Jasper's eyes glanced down to the envelope in his hand and then came up to meet mine again, "In here is the key that will keep you from having to go to therapy."

In one graceful movement, that was only capable of being performed by an otherworldly creature, Jasper scooped my body from its seated position and placed me in a standing one to his right. His arm was still placed securely around my lower back as if he did not entirely trust my ability to stand. I looked down at the envelope he had placed in my hand during his fast maneuvering "Please, open it." He encouraged.

I teasingly darted my eyes around the room as if the contents I now held were some sort of secret government document that may explode if any other eyes, but my own were to view it. Jasper emitted a soft chuckle, "Although, the envelope does contain some things that I consider very valuable I hardly think anyone else would be interested in seeing them."

This perked my interest a bit and I cautiously placed my index finger underneath the lip of the envelope to see if it was sealed. It wasn't, so I reached in and gingerly pulled out two pieces of paper. One seemed rather weathered with time while the other was just a simple scrap of notebook paper that looked relatively new. I unfolded the more ancient looking document, but only after looking up at Jasper for his approval. "Go on." He replied.

"It's your birth certificate." I stated, my voice expressing a bit of shock.

"Yes, it is, but I would like you to take a closer look at the date of birth." Jasper covered my hand with his and then slowly guided one of my fingers over to a little box that contained a month, a day and then four consecutive numbers representing a year.

My mouth gaped, "According to this you are the same age as me."

Which of course was a falsification and so, I instantly knew that the piece of paper I held was a forgery.

"Living among humans makes it necessary for my family and me to make connections with others who are capable of producing documents like this." Jasper explained and proceeded to remove the other paper from my fingers, "This right here contains the number of a man who has been the most reliable human in the area of forgery I have ever met."

"I am … confused." I finally stated after a long pause where I tried to make sense of Jasper's words. What did any of this have to do with me or my therapy?

Jasper removed his hand from the small of my back and lightly moved me to where he could look at my face fully, "If you can get Charlie to allow your visits with a counselor be something you do alone then I can contact J. Jenks to have him falsify documents of whatever place it is you decide to go to your pretend sessions at."

"But, why would I want to do that? At this point I do believe that with all that has been going on … well, my brain is a little skewed." I replied.

Jasper's face looked unconvinced, "And just how much would it help for you to go to someone who would never know the full extent of your pain. Your story would have so many holes from obvious omissions that you would have to make and in the end would it even represent the truth? Now, take into account that you have someone else in your presence that not only understands, but is also quite aware of your emotions, because of a special ability."

Slowly the gears in my head began to turn and the words he spoke made sense, "You want to counsel me?" I wasn't sure if my voice sounded as stunned to Jasper as it had in my own ears.

"Yes, but there would also be a part in this for you." He lifted his hand and tenderly placed it on my shoulder. "You in return would do the same for me. We could help each other change our heartache into courage … courage to move forward against this brutal hand life has dealt us. You said something at the theater about how our pains were equal and that we needed each other. Well, Bella this is me agreeing and wanting to move forward with that assertion."


	27. Chapter 27

I glared at the sun as I watched it move out into the one area of sky that was not shrouded by clouds. Being a vampire made my tastes in things rather unusual and where the normal person might enjoy a few moments of reprieve from the oppressive overcast skies of Forks, I on the other hand did not. I detested the sun as a general rule, since it exposed me for what I truly was. Although, now my hatred for that bright orange globe in the sky grew even stronger since it made my job of watching over Bella all the more difficult. I feared that the brightness would keep me locked inside Carlisle's Mercedes for the remainder of the afternoon.

I was parked off to the side of Newton's Olympic Outfitters and sat inside my father's car while waiting for Bella to be relived of her duties as store clerk. I did not have to guess if Mike Newton was working alongside her. Even from my position outside the building I could sense the desire the blond boy undulated towards Bella. Years ago, I had learned how to block out emotions that I found unpleasant or embarrassing. Lust had been on the top of my list of unsavory emotions. It was simply too embarrassing for me to experience. So, I was able to tune it out, but for some reason Mike's yearning for Bella annoyed me to no end and I could find no way of muting it like usual. Yesterday while waiting and experiencing his lust, I had even entered the store just as Mike was releasing some extremely strong emotions towards Bella. She should not have had to deal with such things. My presence had surprised both Bella and Mike and before leaving arm in arm with the one he pined for, I shot the boy a vampire inspired glare.

Now all I wanted to do was reenact my dramatic entrance from the day before, but the sun kept me at bay. Damn Mike Newton and his inability to respect the dead. Edward had only been gone for three weeks and already the idiot was moving in on my brother's territory. I began to feel frustration not only with Mike, but with myself as well. I had been the one to encourage Bella's return to work. I thought that time focusing on something other than the four walls of her bedroom might possibly shift her away from sadness and bring back a sense of normalcy in her life. With my suggestion there was also a promise from me to be there helping Bella along the way with my ability to calm emotions, but I had given no consideration to the human waiting to prey on Bella's fragile condition. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to walk into the sporting goods store and rip off the head of that sorry excuse for a man. Yet, here I sat, irritated beyond belief that I was unable to remove myself from the vehicle, lest someone see me for what a truly was – a vampire that sparkled in the sun.  
_  
Damn the sun!_

Taking my eyes away from the object of my hatred I instead focused in on the dashboard clock that would indicate if my indentured time waiting would soon be over. 5 minutes until her shift was over. I pulled in all the emotions around me and tried to ignore the ones I knew were not Bella's … especially Mike Newton's. Once I found her I held onto the sensation her feelings created within me and I delved deep inside it to capture any hint of grief. I was happy to feel nothing, but boredom and a bit of anticipation from Bella. She was experiencing the typical emotions of someone working and I softly chuckled.

Spending mostly every day and night with the girl since our agreed decision to counsel each other had truly increased my abilities. I no longer struggled to gain control of my emotions and they ceased to bleed out for others to feel. I also found that I could withstand Bella's sorrow. It did not exacerbate my own suffering anymore. Her pain could enter me now and I was able to hold onto that feeling like it was a separate entity. Even though I had yet to be counseled by Bella the time we spent together seemed to be a tonic for my own wounds.

I had wanted to focus my attention on Bella's pain at the onset. Unlike me she did not possess any supernatural trait that would keep her strong and able to withstand whatever sorrow I might throw at her. If I worked with her enough to where I saw a bit of improvement in her spirit then I might begin to share pieces of my pain with Bella. For now though she was the focal point our time spent together.

It was then that I caught sight of Bella's feminine frame walking through the double doors leading out into the parking lot. She paused for a second scanning the area and when her eyes caught sight of the Mercedes I occupied, a grin spread across her face. It never ceased to amaze me how beautiful she became when her lips were pulled upward with happiness. There was no doubt in me that as far as humans went Bella was attractive, but to see her face light up at the mere sight of me created my own form of happiness.

However, that feeling was short lived, because as soon as she took a step in my direction another person exited the doors behind her … Mike. It surprised me when I heard the sound of a hiss escape my mouth. No good that would do with me sitting trapped inside a car, I sighed. Helplessly I watched as the boy raced up to Bella's side. He said something to her and as I listened in closer I caught the end of an invite for coffee. Ha … if that boy knew Bella at all then he would have already known that she hated coffee.

_Idiot._

Bella shook her head in reply and pointed out a finger in my direction. I felt Mike's disappointment as he saw what the girl had directed his attention towards and rather smugly I sent him a self satisfied grin.

_That's right little man … she's with me. Keep on walking._

Bella waved goodbye to her stalker and he turned around dejectedly towards his own car. Then she continued on her journey to me. Her long brown hair was flowing loosely with the wind as she bounded. There was a bit of elation in her steps and when Bella pulled open the passenger side door that feeling poured forth inside the car. "What, no surprise visit today?" She joked, making light of my unexpected entrance into the store yesterday.

The girl made a seat for herself next to me and closed the door behind her.

"Believe me ... if the sun had not kept me locked inside I would have done just that. That Newton boy is really pushing his luck with me." I replied while switching the car into gear.

I caught a glimpse of Bella rolling her eyes, "You are starting to sound just like Edward. He was never much of a Mike fan either."

"I can see why." My voice was harsh.

"Mike is harmless. A bit annoying, but I would never hate someone for emotions that are only natural. As long as he knows his place well, I can see no reason for you to hate him."

Bella always had such an unnaturally understanding view of everyone, but she also did not feel emotions as I did. If the girl could only experience what I was forced to everyday while I sat outside waiting for her shift to end then I was positive her opinion would change. Mike was more than just a nuisance.

"Besides," Bella continued when I didn't reply, "It's not as if you can stop a person from liking someone even if their significant other has passed away. Haven't you felt what Rebecca feels for you?"

"Rebecca?" The name did not sound familiar, at least not with anyone I knew in Forks.

"What?! Mister I can read emotions hasn't yet felt the extreme crush one Rebecca Smith has on him?" Bella was truly astonished.

"What are you talking about? Who is Rebecca and why does she even matter? I thought we were talking about Mike." I turned my head briefly to look at Bella whose dark eyes were staring wide in shock and then I returned my focus back onto the road.

"Jasper! She was staring straight at you the first day I came back to work when you dropped me off. Oh God! Ever since then she hasn't shut up about you. Even when I told her your girlfriend had recently passed away she still wanted to talk about how sorry she was that you had that happen to you. I suppose if she knew where you lived Rebecca would drop you off a plate of homemade cookies. She's a bit odd and also new to Forks. I try to avoid her whenever we work together. Every time I come in contact with her it's Jasper this and Jasper that. Ugh …" Bella trailed off, becoming aware of the negative change her tone had taken, "Um … sorry. I guess I can see your point about Mike now. I'll shut up."

Guilt washed over her and to ease that feeling I placed a hand on her knee and patted softly, "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's not talk anymore about Mike or Rebecca. Deal?"

"Sounds like a plan." She replied nonchalantly and then veered the course of our conversation, "So, what's on the agenda for today, Doctor Emo."

I laughed quietly at the term she had concocted a few days ago for whenever we turned our time together into Bella's therapy session. "Well, I thought we might take a little detour away from our usual spot today."

"And where might that be?" She asked.

Our usual spot was in Port Angeles, although it could not be narrowed down to just one particular place. Due to the fact that the two of us were meeting in secret we could not chance anyone we knew, especially Charlie, finding us together. Bella was supposed to be receiving help from a professional and not hanging out with Jasper Hale. Her house had been marked unsafe from the start as had all the other places surrounding Forks. The town we both lived in was simply too small to go unnoticed and therefore for the last few weeks my _client_ and I had been making trips out to random places in Port Angeles.

Mostly we just picked a new restaurant each evening and while I pretended to sip my complimentary water I would watch as Bella devoured the meal I always paid for. Throughout her dinner I sat and asked questions while she dutifully replied, but we were unable to really make any headway since none of the places we chose were safe enough for Bella to express the entire truth. So, while I sat in my usual spot in her bedroom the night before a thought occurred to me as I watched Bella's chest rise and fall in sleep. There could be a solution for our problem, although I was not entirely sure if Bella would be so open to the idea and now that I was about to tell her I found myself hesitating with a response.

"Well …?" Bella said.

I grimaced a bit before answering and then began speaking quickly in the hopes that it might confuse her into a state of not caring, "I would like you to keep an open mind about what I am suggesting, because I really did put a lot of thought into it. Bella, I want us to take a visit into Edward's room today."

I waited for a reply with my fingers mentally crossed. I did not like the thick silence that fell over us while Bella pondered my words. I had hoped her reply would be instant and therefore take away my worry that I had crossed some invisible line she may have created with regards to Edward. I knew her last experience inside my brother's room had created a rage of self hatred, but I honestly believed that if she was ever going to move forward then this one area would have to be revisited.

"Bella?" I hedged.

The silence was heavy and I wanted to end the anxiety it created in me by any means necessary. Thankfully Bella decided to answer. "All right, Jasper. That would be difficult for me, but I can see the reason behind needing to do it. Only …" She paused and then reached out a hand to place on top of mine which were gripping the steering wheel. "If we are planning a trip out there then I would like you to do something for me."

"Yes, of course." I answered before even knowing what her request would be; because I was simply too relieved that she was going to go through with my suggestion.

"I would like to take you inside Alice's room as well."


	28. Chapter 28

I knew that my request most likely would fall on an unwilling Jasper.

My sometimes therapist had made it perfectly clear from the start that he did not think I was ready to withstand the depths of his pain. He had been sure to quickly follow that by saying this did not mean my suffering was any less than his, but instead he wanted me to heal a bit before releasing his emotions onto me. It was more of a guilt thing than anything else. If I were to become overwhelmed by sorrow and subsequently backtrack in my own progress as a result then he would no doubt blame himself. It must have been something about the age of these vampires. Edward had exhibited the same lack of trust in regards to my inner strength. I may have been only 18 to their 100 plus years, but I could deal. My whole life thus far had been spent just dealing … dealing with my scatter brained mother, dealing with divorced parents who lived in separate states, dealing with my inability to find someone to be with … well, that was until Edward came into my life, but now I was _dealing_ with his death. Jasper did not expect much where my emotional strength was concerned and deep down, no matter how he tried to explain it away, his impression of me hurt.

So, if he was going to place us in the belly of the beast – Edward's room – then I should be able to do the same with him. He had to acknowledge the strength I knew he felt inside me. I could handle it and Jasper was aware of this, but his over concerned nature kept him from letting me.

I waited and was not surprised with his eventual response, "Bella …" his voice almost sounded belittling, "You know how I feel about that."

"Yes, I know how you feel, but that doesn't mean you are right." I countered.

"Who knows what is right and wrong in our situation. Seriously, when has there ever been a time in history when a human wanted to counsel a vampire."

His tone was wary, but still I continued. Jasper would have to face the truth behind this whether he liked it or not. "You say that our pain is equal, but then you refuse to let me help you with yours. Jasper, I am ready. I know you can sense that I am, so why are you holding me back?"

Jasper shook his head, but continued to look forward at the road, "You don't understand, Bella."

"Try me." I said, not able to hide the annoyance I felt, but really did it matter? Jasper experienced it all anyway.

"Bella …" his voice was soft now and almost seemed on the verge of trembling, "You will never be able to comprehend how hard it was for me those first few nights I spent in your bedroom taking in the sorrow filled emotions you all put punched me with. I could barely stand it, let alone help you sleep. I can only assume today will be much of the same. Your first visit in three weeks to Edward's bedroom, do you think that I am strong enough to pull in all of that plus enter the room where Alice's presence was felt the most? You may be strong enough, Bella, but as ashamed as I am to admit it … I am not."

I let the rawness of his words sink in. Had I been wrong to push him so soon? He talked as if feeling my pain was a huge burden for him to carry and the more I thought of this the more I hated myself for expecting so much from Jasper. He had been nothing, but a consoling figure for me, but was it too much for him to experience? Should I have offered to give him a break from being my constant shadow, always out there making sure my emotions did not delve too deep into despair? But, that had been the reason I wanted to take him into Alice's room. I wanted to let him express to me the pent up sorrow I knew he held back for my sake. Living his life through me undoubtedly had taken its toll.

"What if we didn't go into Edward's room today? What if we decided that today was going to be your day for healing? Then maybe would you consider my request." I hung my head down as I spoke and my eyes focused intensely on one of the red buttons from my work vest.

My attention was solely spent on that nondescript button, so much so that when a hand reached out to stroke the back of my head, I jerked from the surprise.

"Sorry." Jasper said, his voice tinged with embarrassment and he quickly placed his outreached hand back on the steering wheel.

"No … it's just … you surprised me, that's all." I tried to calm him.

I looked straight at Jasper, but he ignored my stare choosing instead to gaze ahead. "Please, Bella … don't feel guilty at all for sharing your grief with me."

_Damn his emotion reading ability to Hell! Couldn't a girl get any privacy?_

"Yes, of course you felt that." I said dryly with a bit of irritation mixed in for good measure.

I saw a lopsided grin form on his face, "Naturally, there is no hiding from Doctor Emo."

I couldn't help myself then and despite the annoyance I felt a loud laugh erupted from me and that sound seemed to dissipate the tension surrounding us. Jasper joined in with his own expressed amusement and before I knew it the two of us were giggling like two school girls entertained over something ridiculous.

"Listen," Jasper choked out after he managed to gain some control over his hysterics, "I want you to understand that I am willing to take that first step. I would like nothing better than to share my pain with someone … especially if that person happens to be you, but I cannot do that today."

He raised a hand towards me as if anticipating an objection. He had been right and I quelled the desire to argue and let him continue.

"But, I am completely free tomorrow, so just, please give me a bit of time to work up the courage."

The embarrassment I had heard earlier in Jasper's voice returned. My friend was honestly ashamed that he was unable to deal not only with my emotions, but with his as well. If you asked me, Jasper was expecting way too much of himself. Vampire or not the guy was in pain and no amount of extra human strength could hide that forever. My heart swelled with sadness at the thought of his suffering and then on instinct I mimicked his movement from before and placed my hand against his cold skin at the base of his neck. The feel of it was familiar and comforting for me as well as it was for Jasper. His head briefly turned in my direction and I saw a smile on his lips. Returning his grin with my own I began to work my fingers against his neck. Eventually I turned my attention to the honey blond waves that touched the middle of his neck and without thinking I began softly pulling on it.

"Can vampires cut their hair?" I was pondering this question while running my fingers through his blond locks and hadn't realized my thoughts had become spoken words.

"Yes," Jasper replied seeming mildly amused by me, "But, it only is able grow back to the length it was at the time of our change. Like my hair, it never gets much longer than what you see right now."

"Well, I like it." Again I spoke without thinking and I thought I saw a bit of a satisfied smirk cross Jasper's features.

"When I first met Alice she had the same style she has …" He stumbled on his words and right away I knew why, Jasper had almost uttered the word _now_.

But, he managed to continue after a brief pause, "When Alice was human and was sent to that mental institution, the staff cut her hair short just as they did with every other patient. It was a way of keeping them clean. Short cropped cuts for the females kept their hair from developing tangles and becoming matted messes and so, when Alice was changed the style had stayed. For an entire era she was ahead of the times with her hair. When we met that was one of the first things that had made her stand out, well besides the fact that she was like me … a vampire. Hardly any females during that time period had their hair styled in such a way. It was considered unfeminine. When the 1960's counterculture finally emerged and women were emulating the model Twiggy's super short pixie cut Alice was relived to finally be in style."

I listened to Jasper's tale with intrigue. I had never known that about Alice … had never even thought to ask her. "Yes, well I'm sure being out of style for so long was a sore spot for Alice considering how much she followed the haute couture trends." I mused.

There was a bit of uncomfortable silence that followed my sentence and I wondered if Jasper was perhaps embarrassed at having shared with me. As far as I could tell this story marked the first memory of him and Alice he had spoken of.

"So, you never discussed vampire hair with Edward?" Jasper asked after a few more minutes of quiet save for the soft rumble of the car's engine.

It was plain to see that he was trying to ease us back into conversation mode with a question that would of course, keep the attention on me. Well, if that was all I could expect from him today then I would be happy with the little glimpse he gave me into his memories, "I only thought of the question now, because this is really the first time I've touched the hair of a vampire." I replied as I playfully mussed the back of his hair.

He laughed and teasingly swatted my hand away from him, which I then retreated into my lap. "Seriously? You never touched my brother's hair?" Jasper seemed genuinely amazed at my revelation.

"What, and mess up that perfectly coifed do of his … never."

We both shared a laugh at this since being a part of Edward's inner circle made us aware of how well kept my boyfriend's hair had been. Never once was there a single strand out of place and although, he had never worn any styling products somehow his vampire special abilities included reading minds as well as creating his own hair gel. Edward's bronze locks always looked meticulously sculpted.

After our amusement died away, quiet enveloped us again, but unlike last time this was more of a peaceful feeling and I was glad that Jasper and I could share a laugh and then fall into a comfortable silence. The quiet ensued until we were mere minutes from the house.

"So, tomorrow then?" I finally spoke up as we maneuvered through the snaky dirt road leading to our destination.

"Tomorrow." Jasper replied, knowing exactly what I spoke of, "Yes, you have my word. Tomorrow when I pick you up from work the two of us will take a visit into Alice's room."

The car came to a stop just as Jasper finished talking. I noted that we were parked inside the garage and all I could think of then was the room I did not want to revisit. I knew that this one place would hold the key to my heart and once unlocked that heart would undoubtedly spill out onto the floor for Jasper to feel. I sighed and assumed my friend had felt the apprehension in me, because he took a hold of my hand. Then leaning in closer his eyes pulled me into their vampire gaze and I froze unable to move, "I'm here, so whatever you are worried about, don't think for a second that I will let it get the better of you." He said, his voice sounding like velvet.

"I know … thank you." I replied, although I wasn't sure if it had been me who spoke or if the noise had been the squeaking of a mouse.

Placing a hand against my cheek Jasper chuckled, "I suppose I should reign in that intoxicating gaze of mine. Sometimes I just cannot help myself." He then pulled away, but still clutched my hand in his icy grip.

I felt him squeeze my fingers tightly, which was instantly followed by a break of our joined fingers. Startled, I looked out the passenger side window just as he was opening my door in the most gentlemanly of ways. I placed my hand in his once more and before I knew it Jasper and I stood outside the garage door leading into his home.

We walked through together and for the first time that day I truly felt fear fill me, although it was not the thought of entering Edward's room that motivated this reaction. No, I felt a twinge of panic for something far different, but just as threatening. Rosalie. Jasper was leading me forward and I quickly leaned into him. Then standing on my toes as a means of whispering into his ear I asked, "Is Rosalie here?" I tried to keep the volume of my voice to a minimum.

Jasper stopped walking and sent me a sideways glance with his eyebrows raised, but eventually continued to lead me forwards, "Bella, you have nothing to worry about. I told you that she has been dealt with. If my sister so much as looks at you the wrong way well, let's just say the outcome will not be so pretty."

Yes, I knew this. Jasper had told me of the night he finally confronted Rosalie and laid waste to her self righteous indignation over us now being friends, but it did not ease my fear of her. Even after all this time … Rosalie still scared me beyond reason. I should have been stronger and I knew I was disappointing Jasper by showing distrust in his persuasion skills. I tried to push the image of that blond bitch out of my head and instead focused on the task at hand. I would need all my strength for what I was about to do and I didn't need my apprehension about Rosalie diminishing my will to move forward.

"Besides," I heard Jasper's calming voice say at my side. "The only car that was in the garage when we pulled in was Alice's Porsche."

"Carlisle's here?" I knew this, because Jasper and Carlisle had agreed to trade vehicles until the vampire next to me could stomach being inside a car that had once belonged to his dead wife.

"Yes, and if you don't mind I need to have a word with him. Would you excuse me?" Jasper left me standing at the foot of the staircase leading to the second floor of the house.

I could only guess that he was following the scent of his father, because I certainly didn't hear Carlisle. Jasper was only gone for a minute or two before returning to the spot he had hastily vacated.

"What was that about?" I questioned, curiosity getting the better of me.

Jasper was quiet for a second and then grasped my hand pulling me alongside him up the stairs. "I'll tell you about it later. The subject is far too complicated to talk about with you just yet."

I took his explanation in stride and decided not to press him. Right now I had more important things to fret about … like what was behind the door we were both heading towards.


	29. Chapter 29

I had not planned on leaving Bella at the foot of the stairs. My intention was to begin our afternoon together in Edward's room once the two of us arrived at the house. That all changed though when I noticed Alice's Porsche parked in the garage. This meant that Carlisle had stayed behind from our family's planned excursion. The next two days unfortunately called for nothing, but sunshine and cloudless skies. Unfortunate in the sense that they would need to take a few days off from their lives among the humans, although having an excuse to leave on a hunting trip was hardly an inconvenience.

But, Carlisle had not joined them and my mind could come up with only one plausible explanation. He was waiting for my return, so that he could deliver me the news I had asked him to retrieve. Therefore, I followed his scent to the one place I knew he would be. His office. Approaching the closed door leading to Carlisle I reached out a hand to knock simply for politeness sake, but before my clenched fingers could even meet the wood I heard my father's soft spoken voice answer, "Come in, Jasper."

I twisted the door knob and entered. Instantly the intense smell of aged books filled my nose. This was not a room I came to often and since my last visit had been over a year ago, I had forgotten about the interesting scent permeating this one particular place. There were so many tomes upon tomes of literature, with some even dating past my age, lining the shelves of his bookcases and as a result their aged state filled the room with a library like fragrance. The smell was not offending; in fact some might have found it comforting. To me though, the effect these books had on my brain caused me to travel back in time to my school days where the musty smells of old school books saturated my senses. Much of my human years were vague at best, but for some odd reason I still remembered that smell and it made me shudder thinking of a hard ruler being smacked against my knuckles. "Why are you not reading, Mr. Whitlock?!" The shrill voice of my school teacher rang in my ears.

"Jasper?"

I shook the remembrances out of my head and forced myself back into the present, "Yes, Carlisle. I was wondering if you had any news yet from the La Push shape shifters. Were you able to make contact with them?"

I saw Carlisle lean back into his leather chair and a look of frustration creased his forehead, "Yes, but they would not meet with me in person. They wanted to keep playing by the rules of the treaty regardless of our joined forces to fight off Victoria. What I discovered was from a phone conversation with Billy Black, since it seems he is the only Quileute tribe member willing to speak to a vampire civilly."

My lip curled up in a snarl, but Carlisle held out his hand and bowed his head which was his way of asking me to calm myself. I did as he bade and my father continued, "I'm not sure why, but their leader Sam tells Billy that our continued relationship with Bella is wrong and must be stopped. Otherwise the wolves will take action."

"But, we are not violating the treaty! What action needs to be taken?!" I spat out, my voice heavy with disgust.

Carlisle shook his head, "I know, therefore from now on I will try and keep tabs on their movements. In no way will let them harm my family over our friendship with Bella. No matter if Edward is here or not Bella is still a part of us and you should not feel intimidated by anyone for wanting to help her."

With this last sentence, Carlisle stood and walked over to my side. "Don't worry, son. I will find a way to solve this. For now you can rest assured that Bella is welcomed by all in our home." He paused for a moment and then asked, "Is the girl downstairs?"

I nodded, "I thought I would take her into Edward's room."

"Well, I shall not disturb you two."

He returned to the chair placed in front of his large mahogany desk and grasping a few loose papers he compiled them together, "I have some things I need to work on here before I join the others, but I will be gone in a matter of minutes and then the two of you will have some privacy for the next few days."

"Thank you." I replied and Carlisle nodded.

Walking out of the room I closed the door behind me and felt a bit troubled by the news he had received from the Quileutes, but also there was a tiny sense of elation ever so slightly pulling at my emotions. I now had the support of Carlisle. He had said as much with his words, "You should not feel intimidated by anyone for wanting to help her."

His opinion mattered most to me and if he felt that I was doing right by staying a presence in Bella's life then that gave me peace. I already was aware of Esme's support, but to have the matriarch of the coven I was a part of willing to fight for my right to be with Bella caused a feeling of well being to form within me. "One less thing to worry about." I softly muttered to myself.

Although, I had to admit that most of my worry now a days was not spent thinking about what other vampires thought of my relationship with a human. Rather, I was constantly consumed over Bella and the level of her sadness. Now I would have to force the fragile girl in my care into a place of utter sorrow. I did not relish the task, but knew it had to be done.

I found Bella standing exactly where I had left her. There was a look of curiosity playing across her face and I could sense that she wanted to ask me about my visit with Carlisle. I knew that now was not the time to burden her with thoughts about her former friend Jacob and his pack's plans to keep us apart. There was enough at stake today with her trip into Edward's room and the girl did not need one more issue adding to her troubled mind.

I skirted her eventual question and amazingly she did not try and push the truth from me. Her hand was in mine and I instinctively pulled her closer as we walked up the stairs together. I took the hand I held and placed it around my back and then did likewise with my own around her small waist. She did not avoid my closeness and although, she was not aware, I smiled down at her when she leaned her head against my shoulder. I pulled in the girl's emotions and felt that Bella was frightened, but also determined. She would see this through and I would be along to guide her no matter the level of intensity her sadness took.

"Are you ready?" I asked looking down at the top of her head.

Bella twisted her neck and tilted her chin, so that one of her eyes looked at me askance. She let out a very audible sigh and replied, "No … not at all, but … let's just do this. No more prolonging the dread. Honestly, I'm hoping the build up will be more frightening than the actual event. So, just open the damn door."

I smiled at her again, but this time there was some pain mixed in. Her personality was becoming clearer to me more and more each day. Bella used her sarcastic sense of humor to diffuse tense situations. The trait I loved the most in her was also a sign of her pain and I hated that. I truly hoped that one day I would be able to hear her humor used not just as a coping mechanism.

We both stood staring at the door for a moment longer and then I did the honors of opening the gateway into Edward's room. When it swung inwards revealing the bedroom, I was a bit surprised by the lack of any climatic music accompanying the event. It was just as Bella said … the uneasy anticipation was far worse than actually seeing the room with my own eyes or at least it was for me. I was not entirely sure Bella felt the same, but I did not pick up any distressed emotions from her at that moment. Actually, my surprise was mirrored in her, but not exactly for the same reason. She ended up walking ahead of me, gliding towards the rows of music that once upon a time not so long ago, Bella had all but destroyed. Now the jewel cases covering the CDs were back in place on the shelves and the girl inspecting them turned a questioning face towards me. "Did you clean this up?"

"I may have." I smiled sheepishly.

"When?"

"Early this morning while you were getting ready for work. I had only thought of taking you here an hour or so before you woke and if you agreed I certainly did not want you coming in here to witness your mess."

I was now standing next to her and I felt the force of Bella's body as she leaned into me, "Thank you." She whispered and then placed herself upright once more.

Bella walked forward a bit and I watched as she began to move her hand slowly across the translucent plastic cases housing Edward's music, "Did you know …" She began without turning around to face me, but then paused, well more than paused, because the girl simply stopped talking.

I was not sure why, so I tried to ease her back into speaking, "Did I know what, Bella?" I kept my voice calm and smooth.

"I'm sorry." She replied and then slowly twirled on her heel, so that our bodies where facing each other.

I could not help my own pain from escaping when I saw a single tear spill from her eye. Bella nonchalantly whipped it away and grimaced, "Oh God … it's already starting." Her voice cracked.

The sound of her voice faltering was all I could take. I simply could not have a suffering Bella within the vicinity and not use my ability on her. Bella looking at me suspiciously once I released a measured amount of calm on her, but she did not mention it even though I knew she was aware that someone other than herself was inside her emotional pit.

Instead, Bella cleared her throat and continued with the story that had been cut short by her sadness, "Did you know that Edward and I were always able to communicate through music. We may have been two different beings, but it always seemed that whenever we couldn't find the right words well, there was always a song able to speak for us."

She turned back around and tapped her fingers on each individual jewel case. I had a feeling she was doing so only to avoid eye contact with me. Bella was softly crying and so, I decided to join her and began reading off artists I liked and disliked from my brother's massive collection. I hoped this might illicit some opposing opinions from Bella which in effect would give her a much needed reprieve from thoughts of Edward, but going along I found that most of the music I liked was given the stamp of approval by my companion. The more we discussed music the less I felt her pain and after a time I was able to sense that her sadness had become more placated by the ease of our conversation.

At one point while we continued to rifle through the albums, I was reminded of a story about Edward and I wondered if Bella had ever been told the tale. It was amusing, at least to me, and I thought the girl might like to hear something that pertained to Edward which was not ingrained with sadness. "Were you aware, Bella, that Edward was always fighting advancement in technology where music was concerned?"

Bella pushed back the CD she was holding into its proper place and looked up at me, "No. Um … that is, I saw it as kind of odd someone with a dispensable income would not invest in an MP3 player, but I never really thought much of it beyond that."

I grinned, "Well, be thankful he even had a stereo that played CDs. Somewhere in our garage there are boxes upon boxes filled with old record albums that Edward only relinquished for CDs a few years ago. You can imagine how enraged he was when the digital age of the MP3 dawned not too long after his conversion. Alice and I were constantly trying to bring him over to the dark side of the MP3 to no avail."

I made sure to add an eerie effect to the words 'dark side' and Bella burst out laughing in response. I could never fully explain it, but that sound above any other was what I craved the most – Bella's happiness.

"Figures, considering how stubborn Edward was." Bella snorted after her giggles had died away somewhat.

"Sometimes it's hard to remember the faults of our mates after they are gone. It seems that only the best of them gets left behind." I mused.

"I suppose you're right." Bella had been kneeling on the ground next to the bottom of Edward's wall of music, but stood when she realized the collection had come to an end.

"Looks like we went through all the titles." I surmised.

"With the exception of one." She raised a hand and gestured toward the stereo that like the CDs, was placed inside a little nook in the wall.

"Would you like me to do the honors?" I was standing closer to the device and reached out my hand to press play.

"Why not." Bella shrugged her shoulders.

In hindsight I honestly wished we had ignored that one CD left inside the player. Did it really matter all that much for us to know, for Bella to be exposed to one more piece of her pain? Of course, neither one of us was aware of the impact that one mystery album would have upon Bella. She did not know that the first track played would be a song holding such profound meaning to her concerning Edward.

When I heard the classical Debussy composition 'Claire De Lune' fill the space surrounding us with its soft lulling tune I was still not clued in to what this one song meant to Bella. I did find out though as soon as I heard a soft sob to my right. That noise was quickly followed by a succession of cries, each growing louder than the next. I promptly turned to look at Bella with the intent of rushing over to comfort the girl, but the depth of her pain enveloped me then and I was taken aback. I struggled to pull the emotion in and because of this I was unable to keep her from crumpling to the floor.

Her sobs were coming in gasps now and once I found the strength to meld her feelings with my own I knelt at her side. I said nothing as I gently pulled the limp girl to her feet and guided her over to the bed. Once I had situated Bella into a reclined position I found a spot for myself beside her and there our bodies lay against the soft bed sheets. There was no hesitation on my part. I knew what had to be done. I took her arms and placed them around my neck and as a result her head fell against my chest. Instantly my shirt became soaked with her tears. I snaked my own arms around her body and pulled her in closer. She continued to sob as I held her.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." I whispered into her hair.


	30. Chapter 30

"Bella."

The voice, soft and comforting, spoke to me through the fog and haze of sleep. All was black and I wanted to see the face of the one who had called out my name.

"Bella, it's time to wake up."

_Yeah, I'm trying, but where are you?_

Then the darkness split in two and I found the out of focus image of Jasper Hale peering down at me.

_Oh!_

I quickly shut my lids tightly and blackness surrounded me again. I wasn't sure why, but my heart and mind were racing. Jasper … why was Jasper here? Then the memories of the past 3 weeks flickered like a slide show behind my eyes. A vampire other than Edward was in my room and that was okay. I shouldn't be surprised. My eyelids slid open and I looked upon Jasper once more. An apologetic smile formed on my lips.

"How many times are you going to do that, before you remember that me being here is not something to be afraid of?" Jasper seemed genuinely hurt by my past look of shock.

He was sitting on the side of my bed with his back slightly leaning against my comforter covered legs. Jasper's body had been inclined towards me with one hand pressed against my pillow and the other resting at the top of my head, but now he was edging away. This habit of waking up and forgetting Jasper would be there in my room was not a daily occurrence, but it did happen enough to where the repetition was starting to take its toll on my friend.

"I'm sorry. Please don't go." I tried to stop his movement by sitting up, grasping one of his elbows and tugging slightly on the cotton material of his shirt.

The look of sadness he possessed sent a wave of sympathy throughout my body and as that feeling radiated from me I saw a shift in moods cross the vampire's face. His eyes had been looking downward, but the instant I began to feel sorry for him Jasper drew me in with his stare and a slight grin exposing those perfectly shaped teeth of his lit up his features, "Oh, don't start doing that already. We still have Alice's room to rummage through today and I struggle with other's sympathy for me. I can only expect more of this from you later, so Bella … pace yourself."

I returned his smile, "Sorry … I guess like you empathy runs deep in me."

My hand was still holding onto his elbow and Jasper took its placement as an opportunity to twist his arm and run his fingers down the length of my forearm, "Not a bad quality to have, Bella, so don't misunderstand me. I really am not sure why it bothers me so much. Perhaps it's jealousy knowing that I am not the only one who can manipulate emotions."

His touch gave me chills, "I'm not sure what you mean."

Turning his head away as if he were embarrassed, Jasper spoke, his eyes steady on the blank wall to my left. "Your feelings of sadness directed at me have a way of creating guilt inside me. I would not have that emotion residing within you when so much space has already been filled up with grief for Edward. I'm a vampire and a part of me feels your pity should be unwarranted. I should be stronger than this."

"Jasper, I know what you're feeling right now and you're wrong. You are worth it." The words came out of my mouth before I even realized that I was repeating a line Jasper had spoken not so long ago, only then I had been the receiver.

The memory of this struck us both at the same time and we sat there trying to stifle our laughter lest Charlie hear us.

"I remember when I said those words to you and you know what? I was right … you have always been worth it, Bella." He was looking at me again and the intensity of his eyes caused a deep red to creep across my face.

"Thanks … I guess." My voice was drenched with embarrassment.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of." He said mater-of-factly, "Alice was always on your side, Bella, almost from the beginning. Truth be told the former soldier in me had thought nothing of riding our family of you when we thought your knowledge of Edward's super human abilities might be a danger to our lifestyle … a danger to Alice, but she had convinced me otherwise. Now I see just how deplorable my judgment for you was that day. Edward and Alice had always been right. You were meant to stay in this world."

Jasper's tone grew quieter as if he were talking to himself rather than me. In fact his face once again turned and looked off at the nondescript wall, so I was even more convinced that he had been contemplating out loud instead of carrying on a conversation.

"What exactly do you mean by riding?" I hadn't missed the word and an uneasiness crept throughout me as I repeated it out loud.

"Huh?" Jasper's attention was back on me and his face was somber, "It's nothing."

I wondered if he maybe had spoken his mind out loud without really intending me to hear. I decided to let the subject drop for now, but that didn't mean I would not bring it up later. I truly wanted to know.

"So, I'll be back here in an hour to pick you up for work." He continued to talk as if the mater had been settled.

I pulled in my lower lip and chewed uneasily. I wasn't yet sure if I was ready to tell him of the idea that crept into my head last night while he sat by my side. His hand had been softly brushing against my hair like it usually did when he was trying to lull me to sleep and as I let the feelings of relaxation his touch created envelope me the plotting began inside my brain. Jasper was all, but forcing me now to decide if I should actually go through with my bold plan. Sitting there I continued to press my teeth against the skin of my lip and Jasper took notice, "Bella, please … it makes me uneasy when you do that. I'm afraid you might pierce your skin."

"Sorry," I said and released my bottom lip.

_Aw … hell. What did I have to lose?_

But, honestly I wasn't fully ready to divulge my idea to Jasper, so I tip toed around the truth, "Actually, Jasper I was thinking of driving my truck today if you don't mind."

I knew that he usually hunted during the hour I spent getting ready for the day and typically Jasper returned in Carlisle's Mercedes just in time to take me to work. Today though, I had a different agenda that I wanted to set into motion.

"Okay, but do you mind telling me why?"

It didn't catch me off guard in the least that my request perked Jasper's curiosity, since I had never not wanted him to drive me. Still, I was unwilling to tell him exactly why I wanted to take myself to work, "Yes, I do mind, because it's a … surprise."

I drew out the last word to make it seem like a joke, but Jasper was not amused. He rolled his eyes and exhaled loudly, "Well, I would not want to ruin whatever it is you are cooking up in that little brain of yours, so I suppose I will have comply with your wish. Did you still want me outside of Newton's Olympic Outfitters today or did you have no use for me there as well?"

I wondered just how irritated Jasper was at me for driving alone today. The tone of his voice gave away some sort of discontent. Could it be that he thought I was pushing him away? Why would that idea even occur to him especially after my complete meltdown in Edward's room yesterday. Without Jasper I probably would have just rolled up into the fetal position while locked inside my own torment? He had been my savior, holding me until the hysterics had ended and forcing himself to feel calm for my sake even thought I knew my violent emotions made that job extremely difficult. Me not need Jasper? There was no foreseeable future where I even remotely thought that was a possibility. This unhappiness I saw in him bothered me and I wanted to quell that feeling within Jasper, so my arms reached out and without a second thought I pulled my friend into a hug. "Of course, I want you there today. Me driving myself to work has nothing to do with us. It's just for strategic purposes only."

"Strategic purposes that you will not share with me." He stated while we still held onto each other.

"Not right now, but I will … pinky swear." I pulled away, took hold of his hand and then hooked my pinky with his.

He chuckled and I could sense his mood had lightened. "Well, then I will pinky swear to be there to meet you after you get off of work." He said while squeezing his little finger tighter into mine.

Abruptly our moment together ended when a noise that was far too low for my ears to hear caused Jasper to jerk his head to the right. "Looks like I will have to make my exit now." He said inclining his head towards my door.

"Charlie?"

Jasper nodded and removed his hand from mine. Then reaching over with it he ruffled my haystack of a hairstyle, "See you later." He smiled and in a vampire second was gone just in time to miss Charlie's appearance at my door.

Of course, he knocked first. What father wouldn't, considering he did not know for sure what his teenage daughter was up to on the other side? Although, being me I was certain there was little to worry about at least as far as Charlie knew. I was glad that my dad was blissfully unaware of how much my life had turned into a horror fantasy in the past year and a half. That was a conversation I never wanted to have with him.

"Bella?" I heard his voice call from behind the door.

"Come in, Dad." I replied.

He poked his head in just enough to survey the area and after seeing that I was in bed covered to the waist with my purple comforter, Charlie fully entered my room. Although he came in, my dad took only a step before stopping to lean against the wood grain of the door. "Jasper coming to pick you up like usual?"

His voice carried the tone of a statement rather than a question. Over the past three weeks Charlie had begrudgingly allowed Edward's vampire brother into my life and even after some objection to the amount of time Jasper spent with me, especially when he drove me to work and _therapy_, my dad had relented. This did not though deter him from voicing his objection every morning with a visit to my room so that he could deliver his less than cryptic remarks. How happy he would be to discover that today I would not be accompanied by my new friend.

"No, Dad … I'm actually going to work and therapy sessions alone today. Jasper has some camping trip with his family for the next two days."

I could tell Charlie was attempting to hide his look of glee, but no matter how hard he tried to suppress the smile beneath his mustache, he could not conceal the dance of joy I saw twinkling in his eyes. "Hmmm … well, then can I assume he won't be joining us for dinner again tonight."

The evening before Jasper had, for the first time since our combined effort to set my room in order, entered my home with full permission from Charlie. I simply had not wanted to relinquish my time with him after the fiasco that was Debussy. Even now I could still hear Edward's voice ringing in my head, "You know Debussy?" It had been the catalyst for my meltdown and even if it was only a few hours that Jasper usually stayed away to give me some alone time with Charlie, yesterday I had needed Jasper to be at my side throughout dinner. For my overprotective dad though, allowing Jasper over to eat with us was a big step. Only, I could see him grinding his teeth the entire time and when Jasper said his goodbye at a little before nine there was Charlie ushering him out the door as if he couldn't wait for our dinner guest to be gone. Little did he know that only an hour would transpire before Jasper made another appearance inside our home only this time he would be using my window as an entrance. For now though, dinner was on Charlie's mind and I took the opportunity to tell him exactly what I knew he wanted to hear, "No, Dad. Jasper won't be joining us for dinner, but … I don't think I will be either."

Part of my plan was set into motion just then and I hoped Jasper was not outside my window eavesdropping. "I sorta called Angela and the two of us are going to have a sleepover at her place."

I hadn't called Angela … at least not yet and even then I still had no intention of staying over at her place.

Charlie's face perked up a bit at the mention of one of my human friends. I think he worried at times that my dependence on Jasper would transform into another unhealthy relationship - in his view - with a member of the Cullen family. Angela though was the extreme opposite of anything related to Edward … she was boring and therefore safe. "Alright … glad to see you getting out there with some of your friends." The excitement my dad exhibited almost made me laugh out loud and I half expected him to start bouncing up and down.

"Yeah, I thought it was time to get out there some more with my old friends and with Jasper being gone these next couple of days … it just seemed like perfect timing." I said.

Charlie just stood there with grin on his face lost in thought and after a minute or two the silence became awkward. "Umm … Dad?"

"Yeah, Bells?"

"Can I maybe have some privacy to get ready for work?"

Charlie jerked back into reality, "Oh, yeah … of course. I'll see ya downstairs."

Shutting the door behind him I took the advantage of the privacy and reached for my cell phone that I had placed on the bed's headboard. Quickly I dialed the number from memory and on the second ring a female voice answered.

"Uh, hey Bella. What's up … I haven't heard from you in awhile. Is everything okay?"

Of course, Angela would be concerned. It was barely even morning and besides I hadn't once bothered to call my friend since Edward's death, which was sad, because I truly liked Angela. Life had just become so complicated since the last time we spoke.

"Yes, I'm fine." I replied into the phone, "I'm actually calling you, because I need a favor."


	31. Chapter 31

I walked in a daze headed for my usual hunting grounds. The confounded state I found myself in was a direct result of Bella's inexplicable wish to drive herself to work. The situation seemed so off … so unlike the Bella I had come to know and eventually befriend. Since that day inside her room, when we both had decided to be each others shoulder to lean on, never once had she requested to be without me. Our time apart could barely even fill up a few hours in a day. There were only my routine trips to hunt and also her scheduled time with Charlie during dinner that kept me away from her, but even last night Bella had made it quite clear that she did not want me to leave her side. I managed to feign eating in front of her father all to fulfill Bella's wish not be left without me. Now here I was left dazed and confused over her sudden mood change.

But, why did I feel this way?

Bella was a grown woman - one look at her fully formed figure could attest to that – therefore she could choose to take her own vehicle to work without anyone thinking this odd. I was sure me driving Bella to Newton's Olympic Outfitters and then waiting patiently inside my car while she worked was the more unusual situation to everyone else, but damn everyone else. They did not know the depths of Bella's suffering as I did. None of them had my ability, so they could only see the broken girl from the outside which was similar to reading a book without actually opening it. Instead you would have to guess from the cover what the story inside entailed. The same could be said about Bella. You could look at her and know something was damaged, but no one truly knew the depths of suffering I could feel from her. Even now as I recalled the intense pain I forced myself to absorb the day before, inside Edward's room, caused me to wince. I felt like I could see what others could not. They saw only the cover, but I was reading the whole book, prologue to epilogue. That was exactly why I just could not understand the reason behind Bella's sudden independence from me. I just did not see the correlation with yesterdays falling to pieces Bella to today's newly self-sufficient woman.

And yet … if Bella wanted to make the drive without me then was that not a sign of her mental improvement. Would it not make sense for me to be happy that she had reached this milestone? I should be glad, but I simply could not force myself to see the situation as anything, but detrimental to me, because if I was to be totally honest with myself then I had to admit that I needed Bella. I needed her perhaps more than she needed me. I required Bella's presence in my life, so that I could manage through my never ending existence. My time spent with the human girl was time spent not wallowing in my sadness over Alice and the pain of her not being around. Bella had in a way become the bandage to the wound created when my love was ripped from me. If the girl was beginning to pull away then I did not even want to fathom what this would mean for my state of mind. The scab would no doubt be torn away and the gash of sorrow once more would be exposed to fresh air. The pain would be excruciating. I had not meant for Bella to become my crutch in life, but I saw it clearly now. Edward's girlfriend was my one reason to stay in this world and without her I was left with nothing.

I let all of my pent up anguish over this pour from my mouth in the form of a loud moan. I knew I was no where near humans. My path had taken me well away from their kind and so only the trees and my prey heard the pain. In all of my years, through all of the trials from my human life as well as my immortal one I could think of no worse situation. True, my suffering while with Maria and then the agonizing emotions I had experienced after finding Alice's mangled burning pieces had been painful, but this … this new situation I now found myself in of relying on a fragile human for support and thinking she might no longer be around left me completely shattered. She had brought me back from the brink and the hope I had seen inside her kept me from returning to that awful place. If I did not have Bella … my one last hope then … then I did not know …

I let my mind wander away from the thoughts that had begun to creep inside my brain. No, I could not think of dying again. All the chaos I felt inside over Bella's request to drive alone had grown to exaggerated proportions. I needed to regain control over this. The girl was still counting on me to be there for her as far as I knew and getting so upset over things that were not certain was just plain irresponsible. Standing still for a few minutes I let my mind empty of all speculation and dread until I felt nothing was left, except my desire to help Bella. She would be waiting for me and if I was to follow through with this then I needed to make myself as capable as possible of being strong for her and that meant I needed blood. So, I continued on the mission I had set out to accomplish and just as luck would have it I caught sight of a buck grazing a few feet away. I could feel the heat of his vital fluid pumping to and from his heart. The instincts that had been embedded into my system for many years now took over and as I felt the venom begin to cover my teeth I leaned forward on one leg and pounced.

It did not take long for the effects of having blood in my system to change my mood. The transformation happened almost immediately. The hopelessness that I had warded off earlier completely left me now and I wondered if perhaps I had let myself get so worked up, because I was hungry. During our times together I no longer noticed the smell of Bella's blood like I once did. I was desensitized in a way, which was quite the feat considering her scent was extremely flavorful. Moreover I think my need and desire to protect Bella from harm kept me from giving into my nature. Although, now and then I would find myself forgetting that yes, I could suppress that part of the vampire in me while with her, but I was not able to forsake who I was completely. Sometimes being with Bella made me forgot the monster that I truly was. It almost felt like being human again. This meant that when I removed myself from her company I would once again see the true me and the hunger would return. I had to remember to hunt more regularly if I were to avoid situations like this from occurring again.

After dispatching the buck's carcass, I set off to get Carlisle's Mercedes and meet up with Bella. I still felt haunted by my past worries, but the blood I had ingested made things a bit easier to deal with. For now I would move on and focus on Bella and by the time I pulled up into the all, but vacant parking lot of her work I could see that she had already arrived. Her large red truck was parked noticeably away from the other two vehicles of her co workers. It was off to the side next to the space I usually occupied to make myself as inconspicuous as possible and I wondered if Bella had done this as a means of showing me that despite her request this morning she was still thinking of me. In the face of such thoughtfulness I found a tiny smile tugging at the corners of my mouth - the first hint of happiness from me all morning.

"Thank you, Bella." I whispered, although I knew she could not hear.

Once parked, I set out to locate the girl's emotions by reaching through the store's barricade of steel and wood. I knew there would be at least two other humans inside the building and I passed by them on my search, glad that the annoying lust of Mike Newton was not present today. Although, I did come across some amorous sentiments and I wondered perhaps if they belonged to the Rebecca girl Bella had been irritated with the day before. Hopefully she wasn't badgering my friend too much with her constant questions about me. I chuckled quietly at the image my mind produced of this. Always the constant sufferer Bella could never be rude and to tell my admirer to 'shut up' as she may have wished to was out of the question. She would simply stand there folding clothing or re-pricing items with that faint look of annoyance on her face that she displayed in similar situations with me. Although, we were friends that did not mean the two of us managed to get along every moment we were together. But, Bella was such a unique creature as far as humans went … she could never stay angry for long. Her empathy towards others simply would not allow her to remain in a state of negativity and I could relate. The more I came to know her the more I realized Bella and I were not so different.

I forged onward until I came across what I knew to be Bella. The emotional field she generated was so familiar to me now. It was almost like finding a link to myself whenever she was near. I could sense that the girl was not pleased. No doubt I had been correct in my assertion of Rebecca's presence and poor Bella was feeling the result of her co worker's badgering. This emotion was only the outer layer of Bella … the one closest to the surface and so I dug deeper to see if any sadness remained from her ordeal yesterday. I searched, but could find only nervousness. I thought about why this emotion would be there and in then end I could come up with nothing.

Was she anxious about taking me into Alice's room? Did she expect me to react in the same manner she had yesterday? The picture of her broken and in pieces entered my mind and it caused a wave of sympathy to pulse from my body. Would Bella be able to handle the same emotions from me? I honestly did not want to expose the girl to that side of my suffering … the extreme pain of being in a place that held so many memories of Alice. If I had my way Bella would never see this … never be exposed to my weakness, but I could not back out now. A promise had been made and I would keep it.

The rest of Bella's 9-2 shift went rather slowly. I remained inside the Mercedes as I kept tabs on her, all the while wondering about that nervousness residing within her. At one point she walked outside to take in some sunshine during her 15 minute break and had the sun not been shining down I might have taken the opportunity to join Bella … perhaps learn the reason behind that mysterious trepidation of hers. I saw her look at me and smile while she stood there basking in the sunlight I could never enjoy and then she began to walk towards me. I rolled down my window slightly and Bella poked her head in.

"Having fun?" She asked teasingly.

"Not entirely … I hate being locked in here by the sun." I grumbled.

Bella grinned at my displeasure and reached out to repeat the hair ruffling I had done to her earlier that morning. "Awww … is poor Jasper locked in his cage."

I pulled away, "Hey … watch the hair."

We both laughed at this, because it was a known fact that I could never have a bad hair day. "Actually, Bella, I am more frustrated about this feeling that I sense from you. Why exactly are you so nervous?"

Bella's face turned down into a frown, "Ugh … stop being so nosey."

She seemed irritated, but I could see the truth behind her reaction. Bella was embarrassed at having been caught. For what though? I did not know, but I did intend to find out.

"Sorry … it isn't exactly something I can control." I apologized meekly.

Bella's face softened, "Well, anyway I need to get back inside. When I get off at two I'll drive my truck and follow you to your place." She said.

I nodded guessing that I would just have to wait to find out her secret. She walked back inside the building and I watched her go, wondering just how long it would take before I would be able to get to the bottom of this. Little did I know that the truth would be just around the corner. It was revealed not long after we arrived at the empty house out in the forest. Bella had exited her truck carrying a large light blue duffle bag. Usually she only had her school back pack with her, so I knew something was up.

"What do you have in there?" I asked wondering what exactly was up Bella's sleeve.

Her eyes fell to the ground then as if she was a child caught coloring on the wall with a crayon. The embarrassment that had radiated from her before, when I asked about her nervousness, made a return and suddenly the metaphorical light bulb of understanding clicked on inside my head. Whatever it was she carried inside that bag held the key to Bella's secret.

"Clothes and some odds and ends." The nervous girl stated, eyes still fixated on the ground while her shoe kicked nervously at a pebble.

"Clothes for what?" I asked thinking this was getting weirder by the minute.

Bella began to gnaw at her bottom lip, a trait of hers that had become so commonplace for me to see. "Well, um … I told Charlie that I would be staying at Angela's tonight."

Was this it then? Had Bella not wanted to divulge this before, because she was sheltering my feelings from being hurt? The same emotions that plagued me earlier, the ones pertaining to my thoughts of the girl pulling away, began to resurface, escaping the lock down I had placed them in since my trek through the forest. "Then why are you bringing your bag out now?" I tried to keep my voice calm not wanting to expose the panic I felt rising inside me.

"Because," Bella paused for an immeasurable amount of time and when she began to speak again her eyes looked up into mine with such tenderness, "Because, after we go into Alice's room today you will be in no condition to stay with me while I sleep tonight. I will not leave you here alone, Jasper. So … I'm staying inside your home … with you tonight."

I was dumbstruck. Her admission caught me totally off guard and although I knew it was completely impossible for me to mishear I still needed to make Bella repeat what she said, "What?"

The girl's movements were slow, but also deliberate. She walked towards me with that same affectionate gleam in her stare. Then when her body came close enough for me to feel the heat of it Bella dropped her duffle bag full of clothes and placed her hands on either side of my face. "Please, Jasper let me be there for you."


	32. Chapter 32

The moment I had anxiously awaited all day was here. I had no choice, but to follow through with what I set into motion that morning by telling Charlie I would be staying at Angela's. Thankfully Angela had agreed to my charade and now I needed to see if Jasper would as well.

So, I told him. The flicker of emotion I saw cross his face changed from one of sadness to shock and then back to the usual mask of not caring her wore whenever he was trying to hide his true feelings. I hated that façade more than anything else. If the two of us were truly in this together then he shouldn't try and hide what he felt. I knew Jasper too well now and could identify when he was employing this tactic and after he replied to my revelation with a "What" I decided to show him just how much I was willing to help him.

I approached Jasper slowly. He needed to see it in my expression just how much I was willing to do for him. I chose not to hug him, which may have seemed like the more intimate thing to do, but I knew better. Our faces had to be locked on each other, so he could witness and feel the devotion I now felt for him. I took his face in my hands and leaned in just close enough to where I could feel the coldness of his skin falling onto me. He had to see. He had to know that I was willing to be there for him no matter what, "Please, Jasper … let me be there for you."

To my complete disappointment he pulled away. His movement was sudden and performed with the quickness that only his kind could achieve. I was left stunned and a bit saddened by his rejection. My hands were still held upright where only moments before they had been upon Jasper. Now they held onto air. He hadn't gone far. Only a few feet away, but his head was down, his eyes refusing to meet mine.

"Jasper …" My voice was quiet and timid as I lowered my arms.

Had I crossed some line that I wasn't aware existed? I took a step toward my friend, but he held out his hand, "Please, stay back." He asked in a nearly inaudible tone.

"I don't … that is … what's wrong?" I was so confused.

Jasper shook his head, but continued to stare at the ground, "I cannot allow you to involve yourself in my life this way. What if … what if Charlie finds out that you are here and besides it is just … wrong …" he trailed off and I was struck with a sudden frustration that was not my own.

Was Jasper worried that he might not be strong enough to withstand the scent of my blood? If I stayed with him in a place that was far away from anyone else did he think he would not be able to stop himself from attacking me?

"Jasper … it's not like before. You're stronger. I can feel it in my bones that you will not hurt me. I just know it." I regained my determination and as I spoke the volume of my voice increased with each word.

This caught his attention and Jasper's head jerked up in my direction, "It's not that. I know that I could never hurt you, Bella" He said, his voice serious.

His eyes were intense as they stared into mine and like always I froze while he pulled me in with that vampire gaze of his. Jasper noticed my immobilized state and calmed his inner beast, "I'm sorry, Bella. My aversion to this has more to do with us being male and female and less to do with our unorthodox vampire human relationship."

He paused for a few minutes seeming to be lost in thought and when he once again returned to the present I saw a change in his demeanor like there was a smile just itching for release. Jasper held it back though and was all business when he said, "Forgive me … I suppose this all has to do with my traditional southern background. Deep down inside me there is a boy who was raised to treat women with respect. I am not like your generation who think nothing of being alone with someone of the opposite sex. Even though I have been through many years of progress where men and women are concerned that does not mean that I can just shut off this part of me. You see for us to be alone in an empty house at night … well, just how do you suppose that would look to someone born during the 1800's?"

I stood there analyzing all that he had said. This wasn't exactly something I had anticipated. Sure, my mind had conjured up a number of reasons as to why my vampire friend might fight the idea of me staying the night, but this … this was truly unexpected and also somewhat embarrassing. Why would Jasper's mind even go there? It was me … Bella … a completely ordinary creature with no sex appeal whatsoever. Besides, the two of us had just lost our significant others which should have taken away any doubt he might have about my intentions. I tried to fight off the red I knew was creeping up my face, but what choice did I have … the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve.

"Bella, please understand that I do want you to stay the night. I know where you are coming from … you simply surprised me." Jasper spoke, his voice betraying his own embarrassment.

What a situation to be in. On impulse I cupped my flaming cheeks and turned away leaving my duffel bag behind. I ran into the solitude of my truck to think and escape the awkwardness our situation had devolved into.

_What the hell? Seriously! _

Situated inside my vehicle I closed my eyes, placed my hands to my temples and concentrated on my breathing until I felt the beating of my heart slow. Calmness came over me and at first I welcomed it, but then as time passed I realized the truth behind this feeling. It was not my own.

"Jasper!" I exclaimed.

Turning my head to look out the driver's side window I caught the culprit red handed. Jasper's eye brows raised and he showered me with one of his breathtaking smiles, undoubtedly trying to play off his mood manipulation.

"That's not gonna work." I commented.

He frowned playfully and then sped to the passenger side door which unfortunately was unlocked.

"Bella, please hear me out … I never meant for any of this to grow so out of proportion." Jasper was climbing in beside me and I turned to glance at him as he spoke.

His face had transformed back into that freaking mask again. "Okay, Jasper I'll listen, but only if you will do something for me."

"Anything!" He replied, a bit of desperation in his voice.

"Stop with this act of yours where you keep your emotions from showing on your face. I hate it when you hide what you are feeling from me. From somebody who can look into my emotions I expect only the same from them in return."

There I had said it and he had promised to give me what I wanted. I stared at my companion sitting in the little bit of sunlight shinning through the window. The embedded diamonds in his skin shimmered as he nodded, "Yes, of course … I'm sorry."

"Okay … now I'll listen to what you have to say." I gestured with my hand for him to go ahead only to have Jasper take hold of it and bring the hand back down to his level.

Absently he stared at my fingers and traced one of his own cold ones along the appendage while his other hand held mine secure. Then he raised his face to look me straight in the eye, "I am going to share with you something right now and hopefully this will kill two birds with one stone … so to speak."

"And that would be?" I struggled to say, befuddled by the intense pleasure his touch brought me.

Jasper drew in a breath and then let it out in a sigh, "I will tell you something that reveals who I am and give you a glimpse into me. This should also help you understand my earlier reaction and make up for hiding my emotions from you. You see Bella … I was a …"

He stopped talking and lowered his eyes again to my hand which his fingers continued to caress. "I was a virgin when I met Alice."

_Holy Crap! Floor, please open up and swallow me NOW!_

"Jasper … you don't have to … I mean, please don't feel the need to …" I was at a loss for words at the can of worms he had opened.

"No, Bella … please, listen. I want you to know this." He looked up again and the intensity of his golden eyes kept me from protesting any further, "When I was changed all those years ago by Maria I was very young, but even before my immortal life was thrust upon me, I knew that there was one thing that I wanted more than anything else. You see I thought that when the South finally defeated The Union Army I would find myself a wife and start a family and if I were fortunate enough marry then my wife would be my first. I never was the type of man who would take advantage of a woman and perform such an act of love without marriage being involved. It was beneath me to take a woman's honor from her and besides who had time for such dalliances when a war was raging. But, then I was changed and my life took on such a different path. I became someone in a constant cycle of vengeance and blood lust. Love was never even an afterthought for me as I pushed through each day. It simply did not exist and even though Maria had offered her body as a reward for my accomplishments on more than one occasion, I had never felt the need to revel in such a thing as sex. Maria was not slighted by my refusal … both of us were creatures of war. Sex was not something we longed for. We craved blood and vengeance, but then Alice …"

Jasper paused as if he were gathering the courage to complete his story. I was sure his difficulty in doing so had to do with his remembrances of Alice and as he struggled I felt the need to help him along. No longer did I feel embarrassed about the subject matter … I would be far too immature if I thought what he spoke of had to do with just sex. Jasper was finally revealing his innermost emotions to me and I needed to show him that I would be able to support and help my friend. "Then Alice what, Jasper?" I prompted him with a soothing voice.

If vampires were capable of crying, then I was certain that the one sitting across from me would have. His face expressed the most sorrowful expression I had ever seen him make, complete with creased forehead and perfectly pursed lips, "But, then Alice came into my life. Such a creature of light she was when compared to myself. Before her my immortal existence had been nothing, but constant misery, but she brought me love and for the first time since becoming a vampire I longed to display that love in the physical sense."

Because one of my hands lay sandwiched in between his I became aware when they began shaking and so I reached out with my other hand to grasp his trembling ones tightly. "It's okay, Jasper … you don't have to explain anymore. I understand exactly why you are not comfortable with me staying the night. I'll call Charlie right now and tell him Angela cancelled on me."

"No." Jasper shook his head fervently, "I don't want you to leave me. It only took me a moment to realize that I am fine with you staying, Bella … please, don't go. I need you … more than I feel comfortable admitting."

I suddenly felt myself being pulled against Jasper's chest in a deep embrace. His hold on me was stifling, but I said not a word about it. He needed me and he wanted me to stay the night with him. That was all I needed to know. "Jasper … you never have to worry. I will always be here for you no matter what happens." I whispered into his ear.

My body was pulled in even tighter by his vampire strength and I could no longer keep silent about the pain in my chest he caused. At this point I seriously feared asphyxiation. "Jasper …" I croaked out, "Um … can't breathe."

He released me at once, "Oh sorry … I guess I don't know my own strength." Jasper chuckled softly.

After my breathing returned to normal and no longer sounded ragged, I smiled at Jasper. Then with my heart swelling from the knowledge he had finally opened up to me about Alice, I said, "By the way … thank you for telling me that. It must have been difficult."

I reached out with my hand and softly placed it against the side of his face. He leaned into the touch while closing his eyes briefly, but said nothing in reply. Reliving the memory had been heart wrenching for him. I could see the deep sadness shrouding his face and even though I felt sorry for Jasper I did not regret him telling me. His revelation could only help the healing process for him in the long run. The memory he opened up for my sake was only the beginning. It was the first chink in the dam that kept Jasper's emotional pain from flowing forth. With each recollection of Alice another crack would be added and before long the ability to think of Alice without falling apart could be accomplished.

We sat in my truck. Neither one of us speaking. The air no longer dripped with tension and for a few fleeting moments we simply were at peace, with my hand pressed against Jasper's cold skin and his emotions slowly opening up for me to see. I was calm in his presence and although, my friend was the reason for this he was not the cause. These were my feelings straight from the core of Bella.

It was Jasper who eventually pulled us from our comfort in each other. His fingers reached up and pulled down my hand from his face. "I do believe we are neglecting today's project." He said.

"Mmmmm … Yeah, I suppose you are right." I smiled, unwilling to let go of the tranquility the vampire had created within me.

Jasper opened up the passenger side door and slid out of the cab. "I'll go get your duffel bag." He said, peeking his head in once more.

I nodded in reply and watched as he shut the door and walked behind my truck. From the rear view mirror I could see Jasper lift up my bag with the greatest of ease as if the item were a feather and then launch it over his shoulder.

"Are you coming?" He shouted as he passed by me.

"Yes, I'll be there in a second." I replied, feeling no need to holler back, Jasper could hear me.

He winked in my direction and then headed toward the house. I continued to stare after him as he moved away. A sigh escaped my mouth then. Something had changed pertaining to us. It was not just in his confession, although, that had been the starting point for me. Instead it was in the moments after Jasper's story. That connection I felt to him as we sat in silence was profound and I knew then that I could never leave Jasper behind. As long as he needed me around then I would be there.


	33. Chapter 33

I glanced over my shoulder at Bella inside her truck. She was sitting there not moving, with her lovely brown eyes looking in my direction. I turned to face forward once more knowing that my movement had been far too quick for Bella to notice. Her emotions were stable for now. All suffocating embarrassment surrounding her had ebbed and lying beneath had been the sentiment of understanding. I still did not fully comprehend how a human could grasp my emotions so well, but somehow Bella had.

I entered my home wondering exactly where my new houseguest intended on sleeping this evening. Edward and Alice's rooms would be unsuitable considering me and Bella's precarious emotional states and those two places were the only ones that contained beds. Vampires did not sleep and never felt the need to find comfort in a reclined state. Likewise sex could be accomplished in many positions when you rarely tired or ached, so a bed was not a requirement … more like a preference. My eyes peered down at the lovely antique couch Esme had kept in pristine condition over the years. The piece of furniture had been purchased not long after her life with Carlisle had begun. It may not have had much bragging rights as far as comfort was concerned, but the thing certainly was lovely to look at with its hand carved mahogany and elegant red flowers stitched into the dark blue cloth material. I decided to drop Bella's bag beside the couch. She could decide for herself if this was an adequate enough spot for her to rest.

A loud sigh released itself from my lungs then as I thought back to the last time I had felt the need to use a bed. Love making had been involved then. An image of Alice stirred inside my brain … of her dancing playfully before colliding into my chest. She had been trying to drive my demons of worry away with her arousing ploy. It had worked for the endless moment we were one. Now the memory was a razor sharp curse devastating my insides with emotional pain. I pulled my mind away from delving any further into the recollection. Too much too soon or had I forgotten what lay in store for me as soon as Bella decided to enter through the front door?

_Alice's room_

But, I still found myself thinking about sex. This time though, it had to do with my extremely sensitive admission to Bella only minutes before. Sex certainly seemed to be the topic of discussion today. Only, there was no option, but to reveal my sexual history to Bella. If I had not exposed such a deeply personal revelation then the girl's natural ability to see straight through me might have shown her the true reason behind my hesitation in letting her stay the night. It had not been my old fashioned ways … well, not entirely. Although, my past with women more or less played a role in my feelings towards being alone at night with Bella, there was also another reason for my apprehension.

Even now as I recalled it a shiver trailed down my spin. Her touch on my skin had been the catalyst. That feeling when Bella reached out and clasped both of her hands against my face had been like a shock. The emotion I felt pulsating though her fingers and into me had knocked the wind out of my system. So strong was the sensation that I almost felt frightened. I had never encountered something as fierce as the love she sent my way. It was still platonic in feel, but its strength gave me cause for concern and so, I had bolted away. I tried in the few seconds before Bella realized my absence to gain control over my racing mind. I did not want her to see me in such a confounded state and subsequently I hid my emotions from her. Of course, she knew. Was it even possible to keep the whole part of me from Bella anymore … I greatly doubted it.

I was thankful that telling the girl about my abstinence from physical love had kept her from seeing the true emotions I felt. I did not want her knowing how looking into her soul had nearly brought me to my knees. I myself had not fully reconciled the emotional outburst from Bella and needed time to dissect it before sharing the experience with her.

"Jasper?" I heard a soft feminine voice speak and was jolted out of my deep reverie.

So unlike me to not hear all that was going on … Bella had been able to walk inside the house without me even noticing her presence. She certainly had a way of knocking me off guard. "Sorry … I was just thinking."

I was slightly leaning against the armrests of Esme's couch and Bella joined me by hopping up to sit by my side. "For a minute there you almost looked catatonic … like the way Alice …" Bella stopped speaking for a few seconds and I was sure I knew why she did, "Well, never mind."

I decided to finish her sentence for her as a show of bravery, "Like Alice used to whenever she was having a vision?"

"Yeah." Bella said quietly.

"Please, do not feel the need to edit your words around me. I think it's about time I began to force myself to hear things pertaining to Alice without having a breakdown." I told her.

Bella nuzzled in closer to my body and tilted her head upwards. "Well, I appreciate the effort you're making, Jasper, but seriously after the experience you just dealt with when you told me … well, I mean it was a pretty powerful thing for you. If you wanted to postpone our trip into Alice's room then I would understand."

I stared down at her and instinctively felt the desire to place an arm around her torso as a means of pulling her in even closer. "Well, Bella I understand your concern … always looking out for me aren't you, but wouldn't that negate all the effort you put into staying the night. What would we do instead?" A half smile spread across my face and I acted out my need to have Bella nearer.

She didn't reject my closeness and for a moment we held onto each other with her arm wrapped around my back and mine draped over her shoulder. I could not help, but drink in her emotions as Bella leaned into my side. The concern and love I felt was so absolutely wonderful that I did not want to move from it.

"Umm … play Monopoly?" Bella suggested teasingly.

"Let me guess … your bag is actually full of microwave popcorn and predictable romantic comedy DVDs for the slumber party you secretly planned for me." I laughed and Bella nudged me with her elbow in irritation, but continued to play along.

"Yes, and I even brought my makeup kit, so prepare yourself for the best makeover you've ever had!" She gestured wildly with both her hands and opened her mouth in exaggerated glee.

With a Bella produced smile stuck on my lips I seated myself closer to her on the armrest, "If we are going to have a true sleepover then one cannot forget the game Twister. In fact I would prefer the athletic ability Twister requires. I mean who do you suppose would win that one … the vampire or the human?" I raised one eyebrow and impulsively pushed my friend backward against the seat cushions of Esme's couch. The look of surprise frozen on the girl's face was so comical that I could not help, but laugh out loud.

"No fair!" Bella shouted. "You can't do that … picking a fight with a human! What kind of sad super powerful vampire are you that you have to bully the weak."

She sat up and pulling her hands into fists Bella displayed them for me to see, "Well, if you really want to take me on in a game of Twister then I would be more than willing."

I chuckled as Bella stood and rather dramatically un-balled one of her fists. Then in a quick motion she beckoned me forward ... inviting me to attack. "If you insist." I growled in reply and then crouched low before lunging in her direction.

Naturally, I reigned in the majority of my strength, so that when my concrete body smacked into hers the impact was something Bella might feel, but would definitely not ache from days later. A squeal of feigned fear rang in my ears as the girl fell back down onto the couch with my frame keeping her prisoner there. "Get off me!" She shouted angrily, but at the same time fought off the trill of giggles that threatened to bubble up and reveal her true delight in our fake fight.

"Right hand on green." I said pulling both of her hands above her head and pinning them down with my right hand.

Then leaning in only inches from her face I shot her a self satisfied grin, "Who's the Twister champion now? Tell me, Bella … I want to hear you say it."

Bella's head shook in a back and forth motion, "Sorry … I just can't do that. Your already huge ego would probably explode and kill you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened."

"I guess you have me there." I smiled truly amused by her words and released my hold.

She sat up shaking off her loss and I placed myself once more by her side. The air around us was brimming with joy and I did not want it to cease, although I knew it would have to end eventually. Still I had to tell her. I simply had to thank Bella for creating this emotion in me when not a short time ago I had it completely dead.

Without thinking I took hold of my friend's hand and turned to look her directly in the eyes. Yet, she was staring downward, trying to straighten up her clothing that had become askew during our little skirmish, and so taking my other hand I held her chin and in a slow motion brought about her face to look at me. "Bella." My tone was back to its original seriousness from our talk in the truck.

"Yes?" She felt slightly surprised by my sudden mood change.

Her teeth began to gnaw on that full bottom lip of hers like they always did even after my many pleadings for her to stop. Such creature of habits these humans were. "Thank you." I said hoping she would hear the sincerity in my voice.

"Er … for what?"

How could she possibly not know what I referred to, "For being there for me. You simply cannot comprehend how much your presence in my life and your desire to help has meant to me. You have kept me sane."

A faint blush brightened her cheeks, "Well, don't act like I'm the only one here who has been there for someone. I'm pretty sure I can guess how you feel Jasper, because you have been the same for me."

Bella refused to meet my gaze and I decided to let the subject drop. The girl was obviously too modest for her own good, but I did not feel the need to press her any further into embarrassment. I undoubtedly had given her enough of that for one day. Freeing her hand I stood. "Shall we?" I motioned towards the stairs that would lead us to the one place I dreaded the most.

"Alice's room? Only if you feel up to it." Bella pushed herself off the couch as well and came to stand next to me.

"I will never truly feel up to it, but with you by my side, Bella, I can manage." My voice was a low murmur.

She nodded and we both began to walk in tandem towards the stairs.

Unlike the last time I had attempted to place myself inside the one area of my home that contained most of my memories with Alice, there was no extreme vertigo like feelings swaying me from my destination. More than likely the knowledge that Bella would stay by my side throughout the ordeal kept these extreme reactions at bay inside me. Even when we reached the closed door leading to the room my apprehension levels were at a minimum.

"Ready?" Bella asked softly while intertwining her fingers with mine.

Her other hand was grasping the brass door knob and she looked up into my eyes for approval. I gave it with a single nod of my head and then the barrier keeping me safe from experiencing anguish was pushed inward. Bella walked forward, but my feet felt like two giant stones compacted into the earth. She was a few feet in before her hand lost its hold on mine and she turned around in surprise realizing that I had not followed. There was no particular thing inside the room that kept me from entering. It was simply the paralyzing thought that my reaction to seeing these items of Alice's might create a monster inside me. I was wary of exposing Bella to that.

"It's okay, Jasper. I'm right here."

I sighed knowing that if I kept my head upright while moving forward the first thing I would observe would be the large crack I had created in Alice's mirror. Well, three mirrors to be precise. The three way reflective glass was placed to the right of the entry way which in itself was stationed next to the opening of the massive closet housing my mate's gargantuan collection of top designer fashions. Rarely did I go in there. Like I mentioned before … most of my stuff could be located in the antique dresser at the far end of the room.

Bella was now scanning my destructive handy work. She had not seen it while her face was in my direction coaxing me to enter, but now that I was at her side the girl's eyes examined the area and stopped at the smashed mirror.

"Oh." She said softly and raised a hand touch it.

Had it not been created during one of my more extreme moments of frenzied emotions the design that had taken shape around the indentation of my fist may have looked beautiful … almost art like. The cracks and chipped away glass created an image that twisted around itself over and over to where it nearly resemble a spider's elegant web. I reached out my hand and stopped Bella from placing her fragile human skin anywhere near the broken mirror.

"Let's not invite an injury." I suggested.

She lowered her hand, "When did this happen." Bella asked, turning to face me.

My gaze settled on the dark blue carpet beneath our feet, "The night Alice died. It was one of the only times I have come here since."

Bella did not reply with words, but instead I felt her thumb and index finger surround my chin just as I had done with her earlier and subsequently she lifted my face to look at her, "Don't be ashamed … or have you already forgotten my own destruction in Edward's room."

Shaking free from her hold I moved slightly away, "If it's all the same I'd rather not focus on what my monstrous rage bequeathed to this mirror."

There was no objection to my request, although I felt that Bella would have voiced a rebuttal to my choice of the term _monstrous_ when describing myself had the setting been different. Rather than provoke me into a fight and make our situation all the more unstable the girl continued further into the room. I watched her move ahead and slowly followed. Then abruptly she came to a halt at the foot of the bed I had shared with Alice. Lying on top of the fine silk comforter were random picture frames all containing images of myself with the one I loved. They had been my comfort during the hours following Alice's death. Yet, there was also another item I sometimes used as a calming device that was placed alongside the photos and Bella headed straight towards it.

Delicately the girl lifted it with her hands as if she were holding onto a recently discovered buried treasure and then spinning on her heels with the device still in grasp she exclaimed, "This is awesome! I didn't know you played the guitar."

"Some." I replied sheepishly, knowing full well that this could be translated into – I've been playing all of my life.

"Well, I'm sorry Jasper Whitlock, but before the night is through I promise you that the two of us are going to have a jam session." Bella's grin was contagious as she cradled my ancient instrument like a baby.

It was then as I stared at the happiness glimmering in the contours of her features that I knew I had no choice, but to fulfill her wishes.


	34. Chapter 34

I was sitting on the couch next to Jasper while my ears took in the alluring beauty of his melancholy music. Likewise my eyes were transfixed on his long graceful fingers as they methodically strummed out the tune on his guitar. I was not familiar with the song, but the music was none the less stunning. The sad quality of it caused me to wonder if maybe this was Jasper's way of exorcising the spirits of grief residing within him. I also pondered just how I could have missed his musical ability for so long. Jasper had been a fixture in my life for almost two years now and never once during that time had I seen him with a guitar. This made me think that musicianship was a rarely pursued hobby of his and when I asked him to play his instrument for me not long after we exited Alice's room my expectations were relatively low. How shocked my senses became when I heard him play and realized just how refined he was at the guitar. Why hadn't I know this about him already?

The answer mentally smacked me just as soon as I had thought of the question. I didn't know, because Jasper had always been mysterious to me … the one vampire of Edward's family that kept his distance. Now here I was growing ever so closer to him, discovering new secrets about him the delighted me and wanting nothing more than to stay by his side as long as I was able.

"Bella … you're crying!" Jasper's alarmed voice pulled me from my thoughts.

I was unaware that the guitar had become silent. The instrument now rested upright against the armrest of the couch we both occupied and its owner was looking at me with concerned eyes. Was I crying? I had been so lost in his music and my contemplations that the fact that my eyes were spilling over with tears caught me totally by surprise. I wiped away the wetness from my face and hastened to put Jasper's alarm to rest.

"It's just … your song was so beautiful." I paused and placed my hand softly on Jasper's, "Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I didn't recognize the song. What was that?"

Jasper's smile was reserved and his eyes glanced down to our hands intertwined with each other. "It's uh … my own creation." He looked back up and continued, "You see when fighting a war there are many nights that are spent just leading up to battle. War is not always bloody … sometimes it can be rather tedious and it was on those nights when I dreamt of returning home to my family that I would compose music on this guitar. What you just heard was a ballad I wrote back then."

I shouldn't have been surprised. The guitar certainly looked ancient enough to have been made during an earlier century. There were many indentations covering the surface of the wood, but the biggest give away to its age was the medium sized hole beginning to form just underneath the actual hole the guitar had been given when made. I imagined Jasper's hand continually running across the wood over the years while he played. Eventually this motion would wear away the surface. Jasper had his battle scars, but so did his beloved instrument.

"I'm shocked you haven't played in front of me before. It seems so effortless for you, like the guitar is an extension your body. Edward never told me … neither did Alice for that matter." I commented.

Jasper sighed and then reached out to pick up his guitar once more, "It's not exactly something I like to put out there for everyone to see. I'm not sure why I'm so enigmatic about my playing. Rarely have I shown my music to anyone, but Alice."

His fingers began to trail down the guitar strings as he played a few chords, but his eyes remained steady on mine, "I suppose the reason has more to do with the diary like quality I give to each song. When I am feeling my emotions strongly I find that directing that energy into music helps calm me. So, in a sense the song you just heard was actually me sharing a personal experience with you."

"It sounded sad. Was that song about someone you lost in the war?" I asked.

"Very perceptive," Jasper replied while nodding, "But, no it was not about someone I lost. Rather it was for one of my fellow soldiers. He received word that his wife had died during child birth. You see, even back then I was able to experience others' emotions, although it was not the same as it is now. Of course, I could never actually experience their feelings back then. I was simply an emphatic person and so, that night while we all tried to sleep in our makeshift tents, I came up with this song for my friend. I never played it for him though. Soon afterward he was killed in battle."

"Oh, how sad." My voice was a whisper.

Jasper reached out a hand to stroke my cheek and wipe away any remaining tears from my face. "Don't feel sorry for Joshua. His death was probably mercy for him. You and I know full well what it feels like to be left behind."

I didn't know what to say in response. In truth Jasper's words caused me to remember my own death wish not long after Jake had expressed his disapproval with my decision to stay friends with vampires. Thinking of this caused a guilty feeling to surge throughout my body and I saw Jasper look at me questioningly. He must have felt my emotions, I guessed and as the silence between us lengthened I began to feel uncomfortable as if his intense stare was slamming me for my brief contemplation of suicide. Finally the vampire released me from his gaze and cast a glance down to the guitar in his hands.

"So … I think I recall you mentioning a jam session." His lips were upturned in a grin and I suddenly felt his instrument being thrust into my arms.

"Well, uh … I uh …" Words escaped me.

"Come on. You do know how to play, don't you or were you just bluffing before?" Jasper teased.

"I know how to play." I said, my words sounding like they came from the mouth of a petulant child.

Jasper arched one eyebrow as if he did not believe me and I sighed. I could play. I hadn't lied about that. Only I feared my knowledge of producing lovely compositions on the guitar paled in comparison with Jasper's. How foolish would I look to him?

"Here goes." I warned and slowly curved my left hand around the guitar's neck.

I took care to place each finger on the correct string in the correct fret and then with my other hand I pinched Jasper's guitar pick tightly. I was sure the song was familiar to him. By this day and age who hadn't heard it, but still I did my best to get as far as I could through my rendition of the early 90's classic. When I finished I looked up timidly for Jasper's reaction. He just sat there with an indescribable look covering his face.

"So … how badly did I suck?" I tried to laugh off my embarrassment.

"Grunge … huh? Never saw you as the type. If that was the decade you were going to choose a song from I would have expected something more Jewel-esque from you." He was grinning now, obviously trying to provoke a reaction from me.

"Hey … it was the easiest thing for me to learn. Not all of us can be guitar virtuosos." I defended myself while glowering at my friend.

"Did Edward teach you that? I'm surprised my brother would even approve of such simplicity." Jasper tried to contain his amusement with my playing, but unfortunately for my ego he was failing miserably.

"No … Edward did not play the guitar or at least he never did for me. I actually learned this back in Phoenix from a boy I had gone to school with." I shot back, frustrated that he found my musical ability so funny.

Jasper just stared at me with a smug look on his face as if he expected there to be more to my story. I exhaled noisily expressing my irritation before continuing. "His name was Joe, although I'm not sure if that was an alias, but everyone called him that anyway. Well, whenever they would talk to him that was the name used. Usually weird was tacked onto his name when he was out of earshot. You see, Joe was a loner like me and one day we got to talking about music. Joe always sat alone in the far corner of the cafeteria playing his beat up guitar and his music intrigued me. After awhile of just sitting there listening from afar I built up the courage to ask him what he was playing. He offered to teach me and the first thing I learned was Nirvana's 'Come as You Are' … thus explaining my song choice for tonight." I shot Jasper a dirty look that was more playful than mean. "So, you can't tease me anymore. Joe would disapprove."

"I didn't say anything!" Jasper held up his palms in protest.

I scowled in his general direction, "Well, you were thinking it." I said while tapping my index finger against my temple.

Jasper didn't argue and I assumed it was because he knew I was right, "So whatever happened to good ole' Joe." Jasper's voice sounded unconcerned.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know. Not soon after my first few lessons Renee got engaged and my world turned upside down eventually resulting in me moving to Forks. It's kind of sad in a way … I liked Joe regardless of what the others said. He reminded me somewhat of Travis Birkenstock from the movie 'Clueless'."

"Come again? Who is this Travis?"

My mouth gaped in mock disapproval. "Why Jasper how could you have lived so long and not be familiar with Travis Birkenstock? He's only the epitome of stoner cool."

I was kidding. Of course, someone as deep as Jasper wouldn't have seen such a film. That was more of my thing and thinking of this almost made me sad. I was slightly more superficial than my friend. Well, more like extremely superficial when compared with a century old vampire who had gone to Hell and back in his lifetime. Although, to be honest, I hadn't been all that interested in watching the movie myself when Renee rented it a few years back. She had to bribe me with the fact that it was a retelling of Jane Austen's 'Emma'. Well, Mom knew she couldn't dangle one of my favorite authors in front of my face without getting a response from me and so, I sat down with Renee and found that I rather enjoyed 'Clueless'.

Jasper chuckled at my exclamation which pulled me from spiraling downward into the negative self reflection I felt with the disparity between us, "Well, I am afraid that I'm not much of a marijuana user otherwise I might have known who you were referring to, but regardless maybe I have time for a trip to go get us a copy of this 'Clueless' … this being a slumber party after all. There will always be time later to teach you more worthy songs to play on my guitar."

My mood perked up slightly at the mention of lessons, "Will you teach me?"

His smile was genuine and spread wide across his face, "Sure … of course. We have time."

I liked the sound of that – time. We had time. It made me hopeful for the future. I grinned at him and then in a quick movement that was far too fast for my eyes to witness, Jasper removed his guitar from my grasp and pulled me into a standing position. His arm reached around my waist to bring me close to his side. Arching my neck to look up at his beautiful face I marveled at his height. Sitting next to him it was sometimes easy to forget just how tall my friend was. I was certain that he even had a few inches on Edward. "Before I leave to get us our entertainment for the evening I would like to show you something if I may."

"You don't have to ask my permission, Jasper." I said.

He looked down at me with a grimace, "Well, actually I do, because it is something that pertains to both Alice and Edward and after what happened in my brother's room when you broke to pieces… well, I just want to make sure you are able to be exposed to something painful again so soon."

I thought about his words for a few moments as the images of yesterday's debacle played inside my mind, but then I was reminded of Jasper and all the strength he had put forth earlier in the day to place himself inside the epicenter of his pain – Alice's room. I may have only been a weak human, but I did not want Jasper to baby me. If he could manage a mountain of emotional stress then I would as well. "I'm fine." I finally said.

He smoothed my hair and I could feel the chill of his fingers even through the thickness of my tresses. At this stage in my life I welcomed that feeling. It was more familiar to me than anything else. Jasper's icy hand continued to trail downward until it rested on the small of my back where it paused and then softly nudged me forward. "This way." He motioned towards the staircase leading to the second floor.

_Here we go again._

It almost seemed cliché now that anytime the two of us were headed up that staircase heartache would not be far behind, but regardless I followed his lead. I wasn't entirely sure where the two of us were going. We had already been through the two rooms that held the most significance for us. What else could possibly be up there that would cause even more pain for me?

We didn't travel far before Jasper came to a stop in front of a large red door. What was beyond it I could not say. This was a room Edward had never taken me into before and my curiosity had never perked up enough about it to ask. There were many closed doors inside the Cullen home and I simply assumed that if they were shut what business was it of mine to nose around. "What I want to show you is in here. Are you sure you are ready?"

How could I know this if Jasper was being so cryptic about what lay beyond the entryway, but I held my ground and nodded for him to proceed. There was a click from the handle as Jasper slowly turned the knob and then he pushed the door open. I felt a vague sense of disappointment when I looked inside and saw nothing, but a bare room with beige carpeting and a tiny window at the far end. For having such a wide and ornate door it certainly gave a false sense of what would be on the other side.

"An empty room?" I sent Jasper a questioning look.

The vampire shook his head and proceeded forward without me. Once past the doorway Jasper took a sharp right and disappeared from view for a moment. Then tilting his head, so that I was able to see his face again from my stance in the hallway, he said, "Well, come on."

I walked inside and as I came up to stand beside him I saw that Jasper was not looking in my direction. I decided to follow his gaze that looked mournfully downward and a sharp gasp escaped my lips.

Two elegantly designed urns were the subject of my friend's stare and a pain shot through the hole in my chest that had remained relatively silent in the few weeks since my alliance with Jasper had been formed. These objects were familiar, although I dared not search the part of my consciousness where I had stored that nightmare.

_The Funeral. _

A whimper that I tried to hold back broke forth from my mouth and Jasper immediately pulled me into his arms. "I'm so sorry, Bella that I have to expose you to this, but I have no choice, because …" His hold on me tightened, "there is something that I must ask of you pertaining to Alice's ashes."


	35. Chapter 35

I began to second guess my decision of taking Bella in to see Alice and Edward's urns when an intense sadness flowed off of her and into me. I held that feeling and steadied myself against it to keep from faltering in my ability to comfort her. Then reaching out my arms I wrapped them around her fragile figure and began to apologize profusely.

Had I made a mistake? Was it too soon for her? Mentally I chided myself while my hold on Bella tightened! I could have at least told her what was behind the door. Maybe then she could have prepared herself. I had acted selfishly and I knew it. My intent was only on getting through with requesting the girl's help before I lost my gumption. I had pushed forward for simply my sake. I knew my rationale was not completely self-centered. I did ask Bella if she thought she was ready to experience more pain, but had my mind truly been focused on protecting her then bringing her in to see this … well, the idea would not have even left my mouth.

"I'm so sorry, Bella that I have to expose you to this, but I have no choice, because there is something that I must ask of you pertaining to Alice's ashes."

I shook my head in disgust with my actions, knowing full well that my mistake could not be retracted now. Bella had been exposed and the thought occurred to me that even if we left the room right then the damage had already been done.

I began to worry when she did not respond to me, "Bella …" Her name sounded like a plea on my lips.

The girl's head was buried deep in my chest and at my frantic mention of her name she pulled away slightly to look up at me. Her eyes were red and she sniffled a bit, "What about Alice's ashes?" Bella's voice was unsteady.

I removed one of my hands from around her waist and lifted it to stroke her cheek, "I'm asking this of you, because I know that if I were to attempt it alone then I would fail miserably, but at the same time I know it needs to be done … for me to move on." I paused and then added, "For you to move on."

"What do you mean?" She asked, her eyes staring at me curiously.

"You see … when our kind loses a mate there is no ceremony for us. Vampires do not hold funerals for our dead. We see grieving as a solitary event involving only the one who lost the most. In the case of Alice that would be me, but as you can very well tell what with how much I have leaned on you for support …" My voice broke off as I contemplated admitting my true emotions to the human girl.

Could I tell Bella without creating more emotional turmoil inside her? Was she strong enough to know how I truly felt? I had tried so hard to keep her unaware of the extent my need for her was.

"What is it, Jasper?" Bella asked when my break from talking began to drag, "You can tell me."

I felt the sadness inside her slowly begin to transform into a deep concern and the sensation of this emboldened the trajectory of my words. When my speech finally returned to me I expressed my thoughts in the most passionate of appeals, "I need you, Bella. I need you there when I scatter Alice's ashes. I cannot manage it on my own. You have been and are my strength. You are the one thing that keeps me going and without your presence by my side I am not sure I can move forward."

I braced myself for whatever reaction the girl would express either verbally or emotionally in response to my confession. The level of anxiety I felt was maddening, but then as I stared down into the darkness of her eyes there was a moment when that stress completely vacated my body. It was Bella. Her emotions struck me with the same powerful devotion she had exhibited outside earlier. She was radiating her desire to help me in full force once again, but unlike my shock from before when the intensity had caused me to shy away; I now recognized the scope of that concern. The strength of it was not a surprise to me and so, I found my ability to pull it in quite adequate. I experienced her emotions to the fullest of my capacity and discovered that when I allowed it to wash over me the feeling was extremely soothing.

_Love._

Such a pleasurable thing to feel. I sighed as I experienced Bella's love for me. It may have not been the same romantic love she felt for my brother, but it was strong enough for the moment to fill the void Alice's death had left inside my soul.

"You silly vampire." Bella giggled and the sound of her soft laugh filled my dead heart, "Of course, I will come with you. Why would you even think that I wouldn't? After all, I would only expect the same from you."

I was quite inexperienced at being surprised, but with this being Bella who seemed to possess the unique ability of catching me off guard, I had to admit that when her soft lips came up to caress my cheek it stunned my senses. The place where her mouth had touched my cool skin felt like it was on fire. Such warmth these humans radiated … it left me comforted.

"Thank you." I embraced her once more, "But, you do know that by agreeing to this the two of us will have to travel together to Philadelphia."

The girl instantly pulled away and stared at me with furrowed brows, "But, Charlie would never agree! Me … traveling with you … alone!"

I reached out to pull her back into my hold and leaned slightly down to speak softly into her ear, "That is why I am asking you now. I realize that your situation with Charlie is precarious. I can see into your heart … or more literally your emotions and I know how you would never want to cause Charlie pain. I was not planning on spreading Alice's ashes anytime soon. This will give you time to soften your father's opinion of me and his feelings on cross country travel for you. You are of legal age … are you not? He has no authority to keep you here against your will. So, you must work with him and over time I can foresee your father coming around."

"But, Philadelphia … it's so far away." Bella stated.

I moved my body away from hers and turned to look at the lovely urn I had managed to choose for Alice all those weeks ago. I may have been incapable of many things during those first few days, but selecting this had not been one of them. I wanted to make sure that whatever held Alice's remains would be a testament to who she was in life and had settled on a hand crafted marble urn with purple and blue swirls decorating the surface in beautiful artwork. I stared at the design as I answered Bella's inquiry, "It is where I first met her … the place where my life changed forever for the better."

"Yes, of course." Bella said tenderly, "But, then will you do something for me in return?"

My gaze turned back to Bella. "Anything … all you have to do is ask. I would never deny you."

The intensity of my declaration caused Bella's face to flush and I tried to reign in the power of my love from showing on my face or through my words. I knew I could use the term love without a second thought. I did love Bella as she loved me. The feel of her devotion towards me was proof enough. We may not have been in love, but that emotion was nearly as powerful as any romantic sensation I had ever felt.

Bella's eyes turned downward and her long lashes shaded the scarlet cheeks under them. "I uh … just meant that … to ask if you would do the same for me," she pulled in a ragged breath and exhaled it slowly, "with Edward's ashes."

Her eyes returned to mine and I saw that the blush had dissipated from her features. Now in its wake was a dejected look. "I do have a place that I feel would be the right location for his ashes, but unlike you it is not very far from here."

The sadness in her eyes caused me to reach out and once again cradle her warm and soft form in my steel cold arms. "When you are ready … all you have to do is ask." I breathed into her hair as my lips softly grazed the top of her head.

I felt Bella nod from under my mouth and then her body slowly moved away. She turned to kneel against the soft carpet directly across from Edward's urn. I had not had a hand in choosing his and honestly did not know who had. Possibly Esme. She had always seen Edward as her son even more so than Emmett or I. Bella's hand ran across the hard surface of her love's urn.

"It's bronze." She mused, "Just like his hair."

Mimicking her crouched position, I came to join Bella. I could not think of anything to say while she continued to stare and I thought it best comfort her through actions. My hand reached out and softly stroked her back in a repetitive motion. We both stayed that way for a long moment. Time passed by without notice. All the while I made myself available for whatever need Bella might have. I did not think it necessary to use my mood manipulation on her. Pain was present in her body, but the intensity of it was muted … a far cry from what she had felt when her eyes first caught sight of the urn.

"It's odd isn't it?" Bella said after awhile.

"What is?" I asked, turning my head to look more directly at her.

"You. Me. Us. I remember being so consumed with worry during Edward's fight with Victoria. I thought there was a possibility she might win, but in the end he had and for a brief time afterward I was okay. Then this happens," Bella gestured with her hand towards the urns. "I very well may have died myself from grief after losing Edward. I'm ashamed to admit that my mind even crossed into that dark territory once, but then you come into my life and things suddenly didn't seem so extreme. I can do things like visit Edward's room or see his urn without having that same thoughts of dying from before. Honestly, Jasper … I don't know what I would have done had you not been a constant figure in my life from the start."

The whole time she was speaking Bella's eyes were faced forward looking at Edward's ashes. When she finished her last sentence my friend stood and moved, so that her whole body was in my direction. I followed suite and got to my feet as well. Immediately I groaned when my eyes caught sight of the tears trailing down her face. My first instinct was to put my powers to use and try and take Bella's sadness in and inevitably away from her, but something peculiar happened. I could not locate it. I anticipated grief to be there, but contrary to my expectations there was only gratefulness surrounding her form. Bella was thankful … for me. I barely had time to digest this new revelation when the girl once again surprised me by throwing herself into my arms saying, "Jasper … thank you so much. I cannot imagine my life being anything close to livable if you were not here. Thank you … thank you."

In a slow and methodical movement, I cupped her face between my hands and lifted Bella's head away from my chest, so that I could stare directly into her eyes. "You must know by now that I feel exactly the same way."

Her lower lip receded behind her teeth as my thumbs moved gently against the soft skin of her face attempting to wipe away Bella's tears. There was a slightly self-conscious feeling creeping over Bella and I decided it best to move away from any more confessions … at least for tonight, "Now …" My voice was unusually heavy for the light subject I was attempting, "This Travis Birkenstock."

"Oh … yeah." She smiled shyly, "Clueless."

It felt as if a lifetime had passed since our conversation about the movie. All the unspoken emotions we had been keeping from each other were now revealed and we stood emotionally naked for the other to see. It felt nice knowing that I was not the only one with a deep dependence on the other. Bella felt the same and this caused relief to surge throughout me. The walls between us, which had initially been constructed after my attempt on Bella's life, were now beginning to crumble. That was if they had not already been reduced to rubble.

Releasing Bella from my hold, I maneuvered my body to stand by her side and then slipped an arm snugly around the girl's waist. Slowly I led the way out of the room and away from anymore blunt reminders of what we both had lost. Although, I mused, the fact that the two of us were now extremely comfortable with each other enough to be walking in such close proximity was proof enough that something had changed. We were no longer the Jasper and Bella from before. Our lives had been irrevocably altered that day when Alice and Edward were found dead. Their end had unexpectedly been our beginning.

Once we reached the downstairs I told Bella goodbye and set out through the front door on my way to find her movie. She briefly attempted to convince me that her tagging along was a good idea, but she fought a losing battle. I could not see this as supportive at all in keeping up with her ruse of staying the night at Angela's. What if Charlie or someone else saw us together? No, it was better to keep Bella out of sight for the duration of our time playing house. Besides, I was far more capable of retrieving the film in record swiftness if I did not have a human girl slowing me down. I would be gone a mere 15 minutes if my trip was made alone. So, much to the girl's frustration I left her behind.

The town of Forks did not contain many stores beyond the usual Mom and Pop places that sold everyday goods, but it did have one movie rental store and I placed my hope in that one shop having a copy of 'Clueless'. I entered the building and nodded to the stoner teen with the mop top hair behind the counter. He sent me the barest indication of acknowledgment before focusing his attention back onto whatever text he was typing out on his phone. It was not too crowded inside and I was able to locate Bella's movie with ease. Although, I could not find a DVD copy. Instead there was only the rectangle shape of a worn VHS tape and I wondered if my family even owned a VCR. I would have to do some searching after I returned home.

_Stupid Po dunk town. So behind on the times._

I paid for the rental and then made my way out into the twilight. The day's sun had already melted away in a haze of orange and red set against the western horizon and that was when it suddenly occurred to me that Bella might be hungry. It was, after all, dinner time for her kind and to my knowledge a vampire house did not stock much in the form of human food. My eyes quickly scanned the area around me and then focused in on a tiny grocery store not far off from where I stood. I strode in that direction, intent on picking up a frozen pizza of some kind. I would have to call Bella to find out what exactly she liked for toppings though.

I pulled out the shiny silver mobile phone I kept in my pants pocket and hit the send button twice, knowing it would be Bella's number, because the girl was the only person I bothered to ring these days. She did not pick up the first time I tried or even the second and my mind began thinking of all the possible situations that might be keeping her away from answering with each one being more horrific than the last. I was just about to leave my food finding mission behind when on the second ring of my third call I heard a click and then Bella's voice, although I noted right away that it was oddly subdued.

"Jasper." She whispered.

"What's wrong?" I asked, knowing I could trust my intuition that sensed a terrified tone in her voice.

"Come home, please." She said in a nearly inaudible voice … even for me.

Then she was gone and I looked down at the glowing screen of my phone to see that Bella had hung up.

My feet did not even wait for my mind to command them to run. I was instantly off and moving with lightening fast speed in the direction of Bella . A fear constricted my whole being when I thought of what might lay in store for me when I got there. The terrified emotion took me back to another time I had felt this way not so long ago. Only then I had been searching for Alice.

_Not again … please, not again!_

I was nearing the house when a stench caused me to halt abruptly and subsequently a loud snarl erupted from my lungs. The bastard was here. I knew his awful scent and now realized the reason behind Bella's caution and fear on the phone. Jacob Black was inside with her.

Author's Note - I will take the blame for my incessant use of cliff hangers. I just can't help myself. Don't hate me too much.


	36. Chapter 36

I stood at the open door watching as Jasper moved like a bullet shot from a gun off into the distance. Well, actually I couldn't say that I so much as watched my friend as I marveled at his speed. If only I could move that fast. It would make me much more efficient.

I sighed thinking it was not so long ago when joining the ranks of the likes of Jasper was all, but a certainty for me. Although, now that my main reason behind being part of that world was gone there really wasn't any desire left inside me to become a vampire. My main center of that wish had always been Edward. Now that he was dead, immortality along with all the other special quirks that came with being part of the undead lost its appeal. No, I would never want to live forever in a world that did not contain him.

Turning away from looking at the landscape outside of the Cullen home, I closed the door and decided to pull my mind away from the detrimental path it was taking. Seriously, Jasper had only been gone a minute and already I was delving into the dark part of my soul where I housed grief. Why was I so weak without him? It was like I couldn't function for even a second when I lacked Dr. Emo by my side.

And yet…

Jasper had admitted to just as much when we both looked into the face of our loss – the urns. He needed me as much as I needed him. For some reason this thought brought me a bit of peace against the misery my will tried to keep at bay. If Jasper felt the same way for me as I did for him then this meant he wouldn't tire of me anytime soon. My vampire savior would stay around and together we would pull each other through our suffering. I wrapped my mind around the certainty of his commitment to me and a wave of contentment surged through my body. His commitment to me and mine to him.

I found that focusing on this one detail sustained me just enough and probably would continue to do so until Jasper came back from his trip to get 'Clueless'. I smirked at the knowledge that the two of us would soon be watching such a girlie movie together. I was glad the film had a decent plot. Otherwise, I may have been embarrassed. Someone of his caliber might think less of me for liking such a girl centric movie.

Shaking my head slightly at the thought of us watching the it, I decided to head in the direction of main floor's restroom to do a face check. Half of my day had been spent crying and the little bit of mascara I managed to put on for work had probably smeared down my face along with the river of tears.

I could recount three exact moments when the waters works had sprung forth from my tear ducts. The first being while I stood witness as Jasper entered into Alice's closet and narrated a remembrance of each of her outfits. This had been difficult for him as well as me. Alice had lived and breathed fashion and seeing the many items of clothing displayed around the closet brought back images inside my head of her anytime I saw something I recognized. Of course, Jasper remembered so much more than I did, but the one item that caused the most emotion from us was Alice's white wedding dress. She had worn the lovely satin gown for their first sham wedding.

Vampires had no need to marry. Finding a deep connection with another of their kind that was strong enough to make them a partner for all eternity was like everything else in their world, an intimate moment shared only with the mate. The extravagance of a wedding was a human triviality, but when Alice and Jasper had joined the pseudo human life of the Cullen's a wedding had been inevitable. So, Alice had bought a dress and the two recited their vows to each other in the company of a few guests - some human and some vampire. While Jasper retold the tale, I found myself crying and by the story's end it was Jasper who had to comfort me.

Then there was Jasper's beautiful guitar work and also seeing the urns that had brought tears to my eyes. I shook my head once more. I had become such a blubbering fool as of late. My imagination conjured up images of just how awful I probably looked. Puffy eyes marred by mascara stains would no doubt be in store for me once I reached the restroom and sure enough, upon arriving at my destination I gasped as my eyes stared widely at the monstrous face looking back at me in the large mirror above the sink.

"Holy Crow!" I exclaimed.

Maybe my tendency to not splurge on makeup was coming back to bite me in the butt. Both my cheeks and the area underneath my eyes were coated in a thick layer of dark brown. Had Jasper seen me this way? Why hadn't he said anything? Well, the two of us had spent the majority of the day not thinking of such superficial things as physical appearance while we laid out our emotions for the other to see (or feel, in Jasper's case), but still … I looked hideous! How could my friend have kept a straight face during that whole time?

Taking the backs of my hands, I tried to scrub the dark smears from my face all to no avail. This was going to require more extreme measures and so, I headed back to the couch were my duffel bag was and brought it into the bathroom with me. I pulled out my toiletry bag and attempted to use face wash on the mess my face had become. It worked, but the feeling of cleansing my makeup away caused a want in me to take a shower. Jasper had said he would be back in 15 minutes. Did I have time? I glanced at the large tub to my left with its exquisite white marble surface and dainty cloth shower curtain that was covered in pink flowers. It looked so inviting. 15 minutes … I could manage. Then just like that my clothes fell against the stone cold floor beneath my feet and I stepped into the lavish tub.

The inside of the bathtub smelled fresh and brand new and as far as I could tell there was not a spot of mildew or corrosion on the sleek surface or the shower curtain. Then a thought occurred to me. Did vampires even shower? The tub seemed so unused. I glanced around for a random piece of evidence that would have answered my question – a bottle of shampoo, a bar of soap, but came up empty. I tried to recall a time when Edward might have felt the need to cleanse his body with water and soap, but there was not a memory for me to grasp hold of. Mentally I debated whether or not I should ask Jasper about it. Would the question be too personal? As my mind pondered this a sudden vision assaulted me or rather pleased me with its powerfulness and I quickly diverted away from the immense glory that was Jasper in the shower.

_Where the hell had that come from?_

For the third time since Jasper's departure, I found myself turning my head in a back and forth motion, but unlike before when I had done so in reaction to silly thoughts about myself, this action was done for a much different reason. I fervently wanted to shake the image of showering Jasper from branding itself further into my brain.

_This is not right. I shouldn't think of Jasper this way!_

Maybe hurrying up with my own shower might wash away the dirty images my brain felt compelled to conjure.

Damnit all! Why did I have to be so driven by my raging hormones? I suppose this was what eventually happened when your boyfriend/fiancé refused to make love to you and nothing, but your virginity was left as a parting gift. I grimaced at the cruelty of my thoughts. I had always understood Edward's aversion to sex with me, but that did not mean I agreed with it. I sighed knowing this wasn't exactly the first time I had daydreamed about a naked vampire, but it certainly was a change to have the focus of my naughty thoughts not be Edward. Just like with Jasper's voice residing inside my head, now he was taking a place inside my desires. Rolling my eyes, I decided to get on with my shower and leave such musings behind.

Quickly, I went about washing my hair and body before stepping out into the chilled air of the bathroom. Grasping the much too fancy towel draped over the rack on the wall, I hid my naked form underneath it and set to drying myself off. Then pulling out my meticulously chosen pajamas for the evening - a faded T Shirt of some band Edward had liked and then plain cotton bottoms - I began to dress. I wouldn't be hidden behind a large comforter tonight, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be projecting the image of a slob in Jasper's presence and this meant my usual holey sweats were a no go.

As I was pulling the shirt over my head my ears perked at the sound of a door closing and I came to the conclusion that Jasper must have come home a bit early. It hadn't felt like 15 minutes. Either way, I hastened to dress myself and get presentable before I exited the bathroom. Once everything was in order I opened the door and stepped out examining the area for my friend. Only my eyes saw a much different person off towards the front entrance. During the short time I had been in the bathroom the sun had fallen lower in the sky causing the living room to be shrouded in dark shadows. If I hadn't been so terrified I might have turned on a light to see the person standing a couple yards away from me, but I couldn't be sure who he was and didn't dare. I only knew that it was a male and he was not Jasper.

I uttered an oath and ran straight back to where I had come from, slamming the door behind me. Of course, this would happen. The irony was so cutting from my point of view. Bella Swan, 18 years old, dead. The victim of a home invasion would be the words of my obituary … not death by sadistic, vengeful vampire … no, my end would come at the hands of a plain old ordinary human.

Just then, as I sat with my back against the door and my knees pulled up against my chest, I heard my cell phone ring. I had dropped the phone in my duffel bag and now that bag was sitting defenseless out in the hallway were my stranger could easily do whatever he wanted with it. I clenched down my teeth just waiting for whatever fate had in store for me. It was inevitable now. There was no way that the silly little lock on the bathroom door would keep whoever it was outside from coming in. The phone rang again and I figured it must be Jasper. He probably couldn't find the movie. Would he come back to find me alive? I knew how protective he had become of me … his reaction to the name Mike Newton was proof enough that Jasper didn't like it when others encroached on what was important to him, so would this mean that maybe when I didn't answer my phone a mental red flag to raise for him. Could I count on my over protective vampire to race home and rescue me in time?

While I desperately clung to this hope, something small slid underneath the crack between the door and the floor and skidded across the tile before coming to a stop inches from my legs. Instantly this device began to play the familiar tune I knew as my ringtone and without questioning how or why my phone was suddenly in sight, I reached out with my hand and grasped it.

"Jasper!" I breathed into the phone, without glancing to see who called… I didn't have to look at the number to know it was him, I just knew.

It was only after I finished conveying my fear to him and was once again left alone with that emotion, that a low and placating voice spoke to me through the door, "Bella, please come out. I gave you your phone as a show of peace. I just really need to talk to you before that blood sucker gets back."

"Jacob?" My voice was startled.

He was the last person I ever expected to visit a den of vampires. By nature he hated them and now that I was once again entangled in their lifestyle his feelings for me had taken the same direction as the ones he felt for Jasper. Why the hell was my former best friend here?

"Yes, it's me … just please open up." Jake spoke in a calm manner, but I could hear the urgency just below the surface of his voice.

I got to my feet then and swung the door inward to reveal Jacob Black standing on the other side sans shirt as always. Seeing him this way brought back the memory of the pain I felt the last time we had talked … when he had said goodbye. I couldn't help myself then when I scowled and in a scathingly mocking style said, "Won't Sam be upset that you decided to disobey his orders? I mean according to him I am not worth acknowledging as a person anymore."

I breezed past him only to have my hand caught from behind and then roughly jerked back to where I had to face Jacob once more, "Ugh. Seriously Bella there is no time for this. I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep Sam from reading my thoughts. Right now I can block him, but I'm new at this."

His words made no sense to me. Of course, Sam would read his mind as soon as Jake transformed himself back in a wolf, "What are you talking about?"

"Remember when I told you before that I was the true Alpha of the Quileute wolf pack … that I should have been their leader, but gave it to Sam, because I didn't want the responsibility. Well, ever since Sam decided to give all of us that stupid order about you I have been trying to hone that leader part of me and I've discovered new ways of blocking Sam out. This is actually my first attempt to do something that I really don't want him seeing in my head. I had to come, though … to warn you." He talked so fast that I barely had time to comprehend what he spoke of before Jake really hit me in the gut with the news he had been waiting to deliver.

"I still can't tell you everything since Sam has ordered all of us not to speak of it with anyone, but I have been working on that too. It's amazing, Bella … when I finally tapped into the fullest of my abilities as a wolf … the things I can do, but yeah no time for that. You see Sam is planning something big and it involves you and your new leech friend Jasper."

I cringed like I had been stuck in the face by one of Jake's huge fists. My reaction was not only in response to his choice of term regarding Jasper, but also at my sheer surprise at such a revelation. Sam had enough of an issue with my connection to Jasper that he was planning something big and I was pretty sure that the something big was not meant to be a positive. He wasn't going to be throwing us a party or something similar anytime soon. No, the way Jacob spoke conveyed just how unpleasant the meaning of the word big actually was. I wanted to press him for more details, but remembered his words – I can't tell you everything.

"Jake … I don't know what to say. This is not what I expected to hear from you. To be honest, I never thought you would speak to me again."

My friend took both his large tan hands and cupped my cheeks with them. Jeez, they were so freaking huge. I almost felt like he could have covered my whole head with them. Then Jake leaned in very closely to my face and whispered, "I'm so sorry about that, Bella, but I didn't have a choice. I've been trying so hard to find a way to talk with you again and see you without having to do it from a far away distance. But, I'm here now and know that I will never ever let Sam or anyone else hurt you."

His dark eyes stared into mine and I reached out to hug him tightly, "Thank you, Jake."

Then in an instant my hold on him was broken. Jacob was moving away from me, "I gotta get going before your vamp friend comes back and I lose my concentration."

I could see it in his face that although, he was okay with being close enough to me when the smell of vampire permeated my body, Jake had no intention of sticking around long enough to be near the originator of that scent.

"But, Jake you just got here and you really should tell Jasper about this yourself. It would be better coming from you." I was grasping at straws to get him to stay, because he was already inches from the front door.

"Bye, Bella." He said and was gone before I could protest his departure any further.

I stood there gazing at the entrance feeling dumbstruck. Had that really happened? The experience seemed to occur far too quickly and had a dream like quality … it just couldn't be real. Was I losing my mind? Shaking my head for the fourth time that evening I closed my eyes tightly and tried to comprehend all Jacob had told me. Could it be true? Was Sam planning something to cause me more pain … more loss? Did it mean I was putting Jasper in danger? My mind wouldn't even allow me to think further down that path. I just couldn't even imagine what it would be like to lose another vampire that I cared about deeply.

"Bella!"

I recognized the relieved voice of Jasper at once. My eyes shot open and I saw that he was standing in the doorway. His look was wretched. Worry was etched all over his features, but when his eyes locked with mine a peace fell over him and then in one of his famous vampire moves I was suddenly enclosed in a fierce hug. His voice trembled as he spoke into my ear, "You're fine … you're fine."

Jasper's hand stroked the back of my wet hair while he continued to murmur that I was fine over and over. He must have really been worried. "It's okay … I really am fine," I said while pulling him in tighter. "But, there is something I need to tell you."

"About Jacob, I assume." Jasper growled as he pulled away, but still kept his arms wrapped around my torso.

I nodded and could foresee a long night ahead of us discussing something other than our pain for once. Now we had bigger worries, because whatever Sam was planning would no doubt involve not only Jasper and I, but the rest of his family as well.


	37. Chapter 37

Charlie was sitting across from me at the tiny table both he and Bella used at meal times. Neither of us spoke and I could sense the tension between us as he shook out the newspaper he was pretending to peruse. In his eyes I was yet another man waiting to pull his daughter down further into despair … capable of leaving and thus destroying all she had gained back through her _therapy_ sessions. He could not find a way to differentiate me from my brother and all he knew of Edward was that he had caused his daughter more pain than he could bare to see as a father.

"Pearl Jam, huh? I didn't even know they were still around." Charlie's gaze remained steady on the paper in his hands, but I knew he was speaking to me.

"Yes, well I've remained a fan through the years."

"That's more my generation's music. They came out when you were probably only one." The man did little to hide the skepticism in his voice as he turned to look at me with piercing eyes.

For all I knew he was implying that I did not have four tickets to see Pearl Jam playing in Seattle this evening and was instead taking his daughter some place to be alone. He would have been right, but there was no way I would be foolish enough to let him find that out. The carefully planned pretense for the evening had been the brainchild of Bella and every step had been taken by her and me to keep Charlie's knowledge of the issue as skewed as possible. So, here I was keeping up my end of the game, patiently waiting for Bella to make her appearance, and all the while getting the third degree from her father.

I had to say that Charlie certainly had a way with making someone, even of my age - a whole century older than him - feel intimidated. It could have been the shot gun he had placed ever so conspicuously out by the front door for me to see as I entered or perhaps his silence … only speaking every so often to say something ambiguous that hinted at distrust. Whatever it was, Bella could not come down the stairs fast enough. What was taking her and Angela so long anyway? I placed a hand under my chin and nervously moved my fingers over the skin there while sending Charlie a shrug and grin in reply to his disbelief of my interest in Pearl Jam. Bella's father responded with a snort and rolled his eyes before turning back to his reading material. My body involuntarily shuddered once he looked away. Truly, the man was terrifying in his own human way and this caused me to wonder if he had ever made Edward feel similar? My poor brother.

I strained my ears then to listen upstairs as the two girls inside Bella's room moved around, getting ready. Much of it was the same as it had been the last five times I had eaves dropped. Their conversation was not of anything substantial … nothing that would give away the duplicity of our planned event. That was intentional on Bella's part, I assumed. She did not want our evening ruined and had worked fervently to keep it that way. The girl was adamant about seeing our plans through.

My eyes flickered back over to Charlie and I saw him readying himself to shoot another unsavory comment my way, but thankfully he became distracted by the sound of a door opening and closing. This was followed by the continuous soft tap of a set of heels on the wood staircase. Both Charlie and I moved towards the foot of the stairs that we knew would eventually reveal his daughter and her friend. My eyes caught sight of Angela first. She was dressed up a bit, but in the same style of her geek chique as Bella liked to refer to it. Right behind Angela was Bella and my mouth unconsciously gaped for a moment as my vision focused in on the beauty of the girl. I recognized the dress she wore at once. A vampire's memory was sharp and even something as trivial as the prom dress of your brother's girlfriend was not so easily forgotten. The light blue ruffles of the knee length skirt and the low V shaped neckline remained as fresh in my head as it had when Alice originally purchased the dress for her best friend.

"A little dressed up for a concert of a band from the grunge era." I heard Charlie grumble loud enough for Bella to hear.

She smirked in his direction, "Thanks for the history lesson, Dad. Showing off your age again?"

Bella's eyes then flashed towards me for a reaction to her outfit. "Too fancy, Jasper?"

"Well, you certainly won't be doing any crowd surfing in that dress, but really Bella aren't you tempting fate with those shoes?" I jokingly asked while pointing to the black heels covering her feet.

The girl glanced down briefly and then up again, "Yeah, well, I couldn't very well have worn sneakers in this dress."

"As I recall that is exactly what you had on the last time I saw you in this get up. Converse was it?" I grinned.

Bella's simply shrugged her shoulders, but not before Charlie cleared his throat rather ostentatiously as if to remind us of his presence.

"Yes, Dad I will give you a call as soon as the concert is over and then again when I reach Angela's house. Happy?" Bella's voice came out sounding a bit irritated as she answered her father's unspoken questions.

"Yep … very much so." Charlie could not hide the grin forming on his face, although it left instantly when he turned to look at me, "Now, you better take care not to drink and drive. I know these concerts can get rather rowdy and I wouldn't put it past you to sneak in a beer … especially since you look so much older."

"Don't worry, Chief Swan I will look after both Bella and Jasper. You have my word." Angela chimed in, subsequently saving me from being lectured further.

The human girl's calming nature coupled with her spotless reputation seemed to pacify Charlie somewhat … enough for him to release me from his death stare, "Thank you, Angela." He said, turning to look at her.

Angela nodded her head and then reached down to pick up Bella's duffel bag for her. Apparently, she did not trust Bella enough to wear heels and carry something at the same time. I chuckled softly to myself thinking of what might happen if the uncoordinated Bella had tried to take the bag back from Angela and insisted on doing it herself. The outcome would no doubt mimic the pratfalls of a physical comedian like Jerry Lewis.

"You find something funny, boy?" Charlie shot a nasty glare in my direction.

Quickly I reined in my humor and then reaching out to take Angela's burden from her, I replied in my most humbled of voices, "No, sir."

"Dad, please stop torturing Jasper with that phony sheriff bravado of yours." Bella said as she moved past me to kiss her father on the cheek, "I'll be back tomorrow morning in one piece … I promise."

Charlie softened under his daughter's show of affection and reached out to pat her on the back. "Alright, kid." He said softly and I felt the strong emotion of love pour out from him and onto her.

With that Bella turned to me and grasped my free hand. "Let's go."

For most of the duration of our car ride to drop Angela off at her boyfriend, Ben's, a thick silence blanketed all three of us. Bella sat next to me in the Mercedes while I drove and Angela shared the back seat with the duffel bag. With vampire enhanced peripheral vision I was able to keep my focus on the road and on Bella at the same time. Her face was staring absently off into the grayness of the thickening clouds outside the passenger side window and her hands were placed in her lap where she nervously wrung them. After noticing this, I reached out with my right hand to steady those uneasy fingers and wound my own around hers. "You know we don't have to do this if you are not ready. You should not be rushed into this just because …" I trailed off, not wanting to mention Jacob or Sam in front of Angela, who at this point in time remained quite clueless to the building tension between the Quileute tribe and The Cullens.

Bella's eyes glanced to mine and then back out the window again, "I'm fine, Jasper." She said softly and squeezed my hand for added effect.

_Always so stubborn._

The girl was determined to scatter Edward's ashes today during the twilight hour regardless that it had only been a little over a month since his passing and a mere week since Jacob's unannounced visit to my home with his vague warning. A larger portion of me thought that she was only running headlong into this, because she did not know how much time we both had left. Along with everything thing else since last weekend, very little was still known about Sam's intentions and Jacob had not been anymore forthcoming with details. The shape shifter continued to battle for control over his free will which for the most part, the pack's leader kept locked tightly away.

Still, I could not find it in me to stop Bella's wish from happening. Tonight was 100 percent her and the smaller portion of my brain that told me to just go along and stay away from anything that might cause her further distress, like an argument, won over. So, here I was following through, holding Bella's warm hand tightly in mine and hoping for the best … whatever that was.

When we reached Ben's house, I parked in the driveway and turned around to face Angela. "Tell your boyfriend thanks for going along with this." Then releasing Bella's hand from my own I reached down into the pocket of my leather jacket and held out two Pearl Jam tickets for her to take, which she promptly did and stuffed away in her purse.

"No, thank you, Jasper. Ben would have done anything for these tickets. So, the fact that all he is required to do is to lie and tell everyone you and Bella went along with us is nothing." The girl sent a shy smile my way and then darted her eyes over to Bella. "Take care. If you need anything at all just call me on my cell phone."

I noticed Angela's eyes becoming wet behind her glasses as she stared at her friend and I heard Bella swallow audibly before replying, "Thank you, Angela for helping me get ready today and you know … everything else."

The two reached across the barrier of their seats and embraced. Instantly my body was enveloped with the intense sadness they both emoted along with the concern Angela felt for Bella, but tried to hide from her. Their hug lasted for a long moment and when they finally broke away Angela squeezed Bella's shoulder before exiting the car. I watched her walk up to the doorsteps of the house and when Ben opened the door I switched the gears of the Mercedes from park into drive and backed out into the street.

As we continued on our journey toward the meadow Bella had mentioned as being the one place she wanted to scatter Edward's ashes, I used my ability to send out waves of calm to the girl beside me. Bella had become so accustomed to the feel of my emotions inside her that instantaneously she turned to me with a knowing smile, "Thank you, Jasper, but honestly I'm not that nervous."

"I beg to differ, Miss Swan, or have you forgotten the emotional gauge I possess within me. That certainly was not happiness I picked up from you and Angela." I tried to keep my tone light, so my words could not be construed as an accusation.

Bella tilted her face away from me to stare forward for a moment. Her expression looked like she was contemplating something, but when she turned toward me once more her face was complacent again, "I know you think I'm not ready for this, Jasper, but-"

I decided to do something then that was very rude and cut off the girl. I could not let her go on knowing my questioning of her emotions was bringing about exactly what I had wanted to avoid, "No, Bella, stop right there. You don't have to explain anything to me. I am not your father and am not here to tell you what you should or should not do. I am simply here as a friend to support you through this. I am sorry if my comment made you uncomfortable. I will try to push back this disquiet in me. Sometimes, no matter how many times I tell myself not to impose my opinion on you, I find myself doing just that. It is a character trait that developed in me around the time I met Alice and it has more to do with keeping my loved ones safe than it does with control. I never wanted harm to befall Alice and I would never want the same for you … even if the harm is only emotional. But, like I said … ignore me. I am here as support and nothing else."

I hoped by saying this to Bella, not only would her nerves be calmed, but my desire to remain a neutral party would be reinforced. I would not ruin such a climatic moment for the girl … no matter how much I thought she was not ready. Much to my relief, Bella removed my right hand down from the steering wheel to hold it in her own grasp. "Thank you." She said quietly.

We remained in this manner for the majority of the car ride. There was little talk, but words were not needed. Her gesture was enough for me and I noted that it was these small things … the intimate feel of her hand in mine, that meant the most to me and as far as I could tell by reading Bella's emotions, it meant the most to her as well. Although, near the end of our journey she did ask about Carlisle and if he had gleaned anything during his current research of the wolves. Since learning about Jacob's warning to us, my father had been on a mission to aide the shape shifter in his quest for independence. If anything, helping the wolf could only increase our chances against Sam.

"Not so much," I answered, "since the literature on the subject is scarce besides myths and legends, which cannot always be trusted … just look at vampires for instance. Do I have fangs or burst into flames when exposed to sunlight? But, Carlisle does have some theories of his own. Would it not make sense for Jacob to have extra abilities apart from his pack? They are supernatural creatures like my family and among us we each carry a skill the other does not have. Jacob was resolute in his human life and it is possible that the stubbornness of his personality is helping him now in his wolf form." I paused for a moment as a question occurred to me, "Speaking of Jacob, have you heard from him?"

Bella shook her head, "Only that one phone call yesterday morning, but you already know about that. Besides he didn't say much … just wanted to check up on me."

"Well, at least it's something." I replied, trying to soothe the heightened fear I felt climbing inside her, "I'm sure Jacob will contact you if there is any progression with whatever Sam has planned for us."

"Drive until the pavement ends." Bella interjected suddenly and it took me a second to realize she was referring to the car.

I did as she said and when we reached the end of the road my eyes stared wide at the expanse of the large forest in front of us. My brows furrowed in confusion. "Will we be hiking?" I asked.

"Is that a problem for you?" Bella almost laughed, because of course moving through a forest was almost second nature for the hunter in me, but for Bella … I had my doubts.

"Well, I have been known to trek through thick trees before, but Bella … your shoes. Why on earth would you think heels or even that dress would be appropriate?" My voice was incredulous.

Bella drew in a breath and exhaled it slowly. "This is the only way I could think of to honor him properly and also, make up for a few of my less than finer moments with Edward."

Her eyes looked downward and I tentatively placed my hand under her chin to tilt it up in my direction, "What do you mean?" My voice was slow and steady, given that my emotional telepathy knew Bella was about to reveal a memory that might cause her pain.

"Do you remember the prom Edward and I attended, well, of course you do … you recognized this dress." Her hands reached down to smooth out the fabric of the skirt's ruffles, "I wasn't very kind to him that day. He had been so anxious to show me a good time and all I could do was complain that we were at the prom, something I had never wanted for myself. If my head had been in an unselfish place I might have known that it was important to Edward and maybe would have turned the volume down on my whininess. I realize this now that he is gone. All the little things that I thought mattered … like the prom and also the engagement ring I gave him Hell about giving me… so dumb and so childish. If I could go back … but, I can't and so, wearing this dress and his ring tonight is my silly way of making up for it."

Bella's eyes stared into mine unwavering as tears spilled form them. Again I moved with slow and measured movements as I leaned my face in close to hers, "Sometimes, Bella, you truly break my dead heart."

I kissed away one of her tears then. In that moment when my icy mouth touched her heated skin all the reasoning that yelled at me to hold back, that the girl would be offended by my lips on her face, was silenced. The moment spoke louder and said my actions were right. The girl did not flinch as my instincts told me she would, instead I heard her sigh and felt arms wrap around my neck, pulling me into an embrace. She continued to cry soundless tears as the minutes ticked by. I knew this, because the back of neck became moist, but still I held Bella until she was ready to pull away.

"I suppose I can manage navigating through the thicket of trees with you, your bag, and the guitar in my arms." I told her when she finally was able to release her hold on me.

"You brought your guitar?" Bella asked with surprise in her voice as she reached up to wipe away any remaining tears.

I half smiled in her direction, "Yes. I thought we might work on your skills while we are out there. Music is the best healer I know and what better time than now to use it."

Bella nodded in agreement and then we both exited the car ready to tackle the great feat that would no doubt bring about more tears and sadness for the girl before the day was over.

* * *

**Author's Note **- After 37 chapters I have decided to say what the hell and got myself a beta. So, a special thanks to aligatoraly11! I also wanted to take the time to let everyone know that although, the majority of this story is rated T, it does say in the summary that at times it will be a soft M. I did not want to make this story an M exclusively, because most of those contain graphic lemons (just recently learned what that term meant lol) and while there is nothing wrong with that (have enjoyed reading some myself) I personally do not feel the need to make this story's lemons along that line, but there will be a few love scenes and they are the main reason I have this story at a soft M rating. Just thought I would get that out there in case some of you were skittish about reading a story containing lemons.


	38. Chapter 38

The speed was something familiar as were the sensations I felt while Jasper ran with a velocity that was way beyond the comprehension of my tiny human brain. My arms were wrapped tightly around the vampire's neck while his own arms were cradling me in a fierce hold that was slightly too tight for comfort. I didn't mind though. The feeling of being so close to him was comforting and even as flashbacks of past times I had been passenger on the vampire express came to me, I noted the feel of Jasper was slightly different than Edward. Both bodies were cold and when I nuzzled the soft material of my friend's shirt I felt that Jasper's sculpted chest was just as hard as my boyfriend's had been.

The disparity between them was more in the details. I thought back to the first time Jasper had held me close like this when we ran through the theater lobby in Port Angeles. He hadn't noticed, but while I was so near to his skin I took it upon myself to pull in the full strength of Jasper's alluring vampire scent. It had been lingering around him for some time, but I had never been of the mindset to smell him. What a thing to do anyway … smell someone, but there was something about vampires that made them truly glorious in manufacturing their own perfumes and colognes. I guessed it had to do with luring unassuming humans into a false sense of security … a good quality to have when hunting. I though did not have to fear anything from Jasper and his smell was extremely intoxicating, but also a bit different from Edward's. Where my boyfriend had been sickly sweet almost like a field of wild flowers, Jasper was muskier and wilder … a testament to his past, I mused.

There was also the way he held me. His embrace was tight, but at the same time it did not feel possessive. I even thought he might have loosened his grip somewhat if this hadn't been his first time carrying a human while running. Jasper was inexperienced and I assumed the more we did this the less he would want to crush my bones for fear of dropping me. With Edward there was always a sense of fear surrounding him. When we ran together or even in more mundane times like our moments alone in my bedroom, Edward was consistently in a state of carefulness around me to the point of tempting my irritation. With Jasper though, I knew that even when he wanted to call me out on doing something he thought was unsafe or irrational … most times he didn't.

The scene during our drive earlier was proof enough. My friend didn't think I was ready to tackle the step of scattering Edward's ashes. He had told me as much when the idea entered my brain a mere day after my visit from Jacob. But, he relented quickly and followed my cue on what to do. There were only a few times when his anxiety about my readiness crept up out of his mouth in the form of a request to call it all off just as he almost had in the car. After all, Jasper would know precisely how I felt and if I was ready. Even so, I was hesitant in accepting the truth that he was right and I wasn't prepared mentally.

His assumption was correct and I knew this, but still my stubborn streak refused to halt my plan and thankfully Jasper went along with me. This one action of supporting me even if his mind told him it was wrong gave me reason to love him even more. He let me make my own decisions … even if they were not very wise ones and believe me, I was very aware of how unwise doing this was.

I may have been adamant about scattering Edward's ashes knowing that only a month and a week had passed since his death, but I wasn't an idiot. This time period did not give me enough time to mourn and be ready to say goodbye permanently. Yes, Edward was no longer with me in any type of physical form, but his ashes were and they were all I had left. It seemed insane to relinquish the one part of Edward I still could look at and know at one point in time had been him. My choice to rush through with this really had nothing to do with the one I loved and everything to do with the one I leaned on. My new companion was right in guessing the true reason behind my decision. If something were to happen to either me or Jasper I wanted to make sure that I had done this one thing while he was still around being my support. I had no idea what Sam was planning or when he would implement said plan. All I had power over was making the most of the time I had with Jasper and if that meant rushing headlong into sorrow that I was not prepared for, then so be it.

"You are awfully quiet down there." Jasper's voice cut through my thoughts and I briefly looked up to see his golden eyes staring down at me. "Are you all right?"

I nodded my head into his chest before visually shutting the world off again with closed eyes. This was the way it had to be. No matter how used to this I was there was always the squeamish part of my personality (probably the same area of my brain that was averse to blood) that kept me from doing much of anything while riding along with someone who used excessive speeds. "It's just difficult to move at this pace without … you know, wanting to vomit."

I heard a soft chuckle rumble in his chest as I leaned farther into it. "Well, you will be able to open your eyes soon enough. I think I can sense the clearing is not too far off."

I was glad that, because of his vampire perception, Jasper had better abilities at navigating than me. The last time I had tried to find the meadow on my own the trudge through the trees had taken me more time then I wanted to remember.

"Bella." Jasper's soft voice said trying to encourage me to look up at him once more.

"Mhmm." I mumbled, refusing to open my eyes while shoving my face further into his steel body.

"You can stop trying to fuse yourself with me now. I think I've found the place." He laughed.

Slowly I pulled my body away from Jasper and felt his arms gently lower me to solid ground. My eyes were still shut, but since we were no longer moving, my fear of opening them didn't concern my desire not to retch. Now a new trepidation was in place. I was afraid of what I might see … the meadow had always held such a strong connection to Edward. If I saw it again what would that do to my spirit? "I can't open my eyes, Jasper. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm terrified of seeing this place."

I heard a sigh from him that came out sounding more sympathetic than frustrated and then I felt both of my hands in Jasper's as he pulled me with swift movements into his body. A slight shock thrilled through me as I felt my friend's full lips brush briefly against each one of my lids. "I am here, Bella. If you think this is going to be too difficult then I can just as easily take you away. Don't be afraid. Let your anxiety go."

Then I felt him … the intimacy that was Jasper using his ability on me. It never quite took away the underlining emotion, but instead combined his with mine making whatever I was feeling less in strength.

"Thank you." I said and then shot my eyes open in a moment of bravery brought about by his vampire abilities.

They had been closed for so long that even under a cloud filled sky I blinked against the brightness. As my vision adjusted to the light, details of the nature around me began to slowly fill my line of sight. It was just as I had remembered. The small, perfectly round area that was filled with wildflowers, violet, yellow and soft white … the image took my breath away quite literally. I sunk to the ground trying to remember exactly how to pull air in and out of my lungs.

_I am here and he is not. Alone. Alone. Alon_e.

"No." I managed to squeak out against the shouting my subconscious tried to drown me in.

Jasper met me at my level on bended knees, "No?" He questioned.

I saw his forehead crease as I turned my head to meet his concern shrouded eyes, "No. I'm not alone." I whispered back to him.

My moral support pulled me into his arms once more and spoke softly into my ear. "You most certainly are not."

Suddenly I felt Jasper's emotions shift from the comfort he had been sheltering me with into a peaceful and all encompassing love. The sensation was much like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold winter's day and I wanted to pull it all in and keep his emotions inside me for all eternity. If this is what my life could feel like from now on then I never wanted to let go … never again would I feel the pain of loss while under his spell.

"Thank you, Jasper … I feel the same way." My voice came out sounding a bit embarrassed and I wasn't exactly sure why, because if I were able to shower him with the exact same feeling then I would have.

He didn't say anything in reply, but I did feel his body tense and then relax in all of a split second. Maybe he hadn't wanted me to feel his intense love. I tried to rake my brain for words that would put my friend's uneasiness to rest, but Jasper spoke first.

"What if we tried a little musical therapy?" He asked as his arms tenderly shifted away from me and towards his beloved guitar which had been placed against the soft grass.

I moved my body from him, so that his musical instrument could take my place in Jasper's lap. Then I watched as his long fingers strummed out a few random chords before he went headlong into the ballad he had played for me that night in his house … the song he had written for his fellow soldier Joshua. I watched until his fingers went still against the strings and just as before my eyes were brimming over with tears at the sorrow in his song. Jasper grimaced when he caught sight of what his tune had caused, "Eh … maybe I should have played something a bit happier. I do know many country songs … well, I suppose they would be ancient to you, but most of them are er … um bouncy." He was fumbling with his words, which I found rather endearing.

Shaking my head back and forth I made sure to let him know that I never wanted him to play anything other than his originals, "No. That was lovely. I love that song, Jasper and I don't mind feeling sad. This is, after all, a very poignant time for me."

I sent my friend a grin that I hoped would calm his nerves and while I stared at him I became aware that there had been a change. Something happened during my quick encounter with Jasper's deep emotional love. He actually seemed nervous … much like Mike Newton was every time he asked me out and I turned him down. It was not how I was used to seeing him and his awkwardness had a way of seeping into me as well. "Here." I said as my hands reached out for his guitar, "Let me try some of the things you taught me."

I thought if I focused the attention on my guitar playing abilities then that might bring about Jasper's teaching mode. Over the past week I had learned just how seriously my friend took guitar playing. He was always patient with my fumbling fingers and never said a negative word when I screwed up a chord, but he did work me until I was able to fix my mistakes. That meant there were many new calluses on the ends of my finger tips.

"And now for my next number …" I said with exaggerated enthusiasm, which caused Jasper's lips to turn upward around the edges.

Then with my fingers I played out the music both he and I had come up with during our short time together playing teacher and student. It wasn't so much a full song as it was just a progression of chords that played out a melancholy like melody.

"It seems like we have improvement." Jasper complimented with nod and although, it seemed silly to do so I reveled in his praise.

We continued like this for at least an hour, going back and forth as he played a composition for me and I tried to recreate his genius guitar work. Most of the time I failed miserably, but Jasper never lost his cool and after a short while I noticed that his mood had shifted once more. He was no longer directing emotions onto me and although I missed the personal experience of them inside my body I did not wish to sense the edginess he had been emoting. He was calm, collected and ever the gentleman again. I was glad that my distraction had been able to bring about my friend's normal attributes.

"Do you suppose you'll ever write lyrics to some of your songs?" I asked after finishing another round of the game - butcher Jasper's music.

"I never really considered that." He replied as his thumb absently rubbed against his bottom lip. "Truthfully words have never been my strong suite. I can manage and use them to be persuasive when it is necessary, but I am more of the strong and silent type if that means anything to you. I would much rather convey my emotions into a piece of music than create rhyming words. I suppose that would be more of Edward's area. He did have a way with his vocabulary and by all accounts had read more literature than I."

"More than the average human male that's for sure." I agreed remembering how Edward and I were both able to recite Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' verbatim.

"Maybe you could put your talents to work in a more proper place." Jasper said suddenly with a slight twinkle in his eyes.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" My voice was wary.

Jasper didn't answer right away, but I could see the wheels inside his brain at work when a knowing smile crept over his features. He was no doubt conjuring up some devious plan I more than likely would not approve of. "Perhaps there is no need for me to write words to my music since I have a lyricist right in front of me. You write poetry, do you not?"

My jaw dropped, "Eh yeah … but, that's just corny stuff and I might add, private. How do you know about that?"

My eyes narrowed as his smile took on a sheepish grin, "Well, I'm sitting inside your room all night every night. What did you expect me to do?"

"Screw you, Jasper Whitlock. I mean seriously … what the Hell?!" I tried to convey my anger with the volume of my voice, but I knew that it was a failed attempt.

To be perfectly honest I kind of felt flattered. Jasper had read my sad attempts at writing words down that were short stories about loss and love, sadness and hope. They were meant to be poetry, but I supposed that with help I could find a way for them to coexist with music … especially if they were set to a Jasper original.

"Will you at least think about it, Bella?" Jasper said seeming unperturbed by my frustrated outburst.

I rolled my eyes playfully and mumbled, "I guess," unable to keep up my irate facade.

Jasper pulled out his cell phone then and his face became serious, "It's nearly twilight, Bella." He mentioned quietly.

"I know." I replied in the same hushed manner.

It wasn't lost on me that the day was nearing an end. The sun had moved ever so slowly towards the western horizon causing long shadows of our bodies to shade the grass beneath us.

"I thought I might play you a song while you …" He trailed off knowing what I was about to do didn't have to be mentioned … we both knew.

Then I watched as his hands began to play a familiar song on the guitar … the same lullaby that had brought me to my knees not too long ago in Edward's room. "It's something that seemed to mean a lot to you concerning my brother. I hope you do not mind."

I mouthed a silent thank you to Jasper and then walked over to my duffel bag to retrieve the urn. My mind knew that the moment I dreaded the most could no longer be avoided and as I lifted the copper container in my hands my vision became blurred in liquid. The tears were already trailing down my face when I moved a few feet away from Jasper and with trembling fingers lifted the top of the urn off. I could feel my friend's intense love once more while he continued to play Debussy. That emotion eventually gave me the courage to toss the ashes out into the humid July breeze. My vision was obstructed a bit by the salty water pooling around my eyes, but still I could see the dark gray ash move away from where I stood. It moved along with the fluidity of the wind and then just like that my last remaining piece of Edward was gone.

"Oh, Jasper." I moaned and then dropping the empty urn in my hands I ran headlong into the waiting arms of my friend who had sensed my emotions and readied his hold for me.

And I cried. Cried for everything that was lost to me … for the future I would no longer have and as the sobs ravaged my body almost as if I were having seizures, Jasper was there. His arms and love surrounding me were my salvation.

"Bella, I'm so sorry." He was kissing my hair over and over and even though I could feel that his lips were like ice through the thickness of my tresses the sensation made me very warm and I found myself pulling away.

"Bella?" Jasper's voice was thick.

"Jasper." I said his name in return, my own voice trembling as I sat with my face a few inches from his.

At that very moment clarity hit me. Jasper was everything to me. He was all that I had left in this world and I never wanted to experience with him what I had in losing Edward.

What followed - a meeting of two powerful emotions of love - was the last thing I ever envisioned happening.

We kissed.


	39. Chapter 39

**Author's Note** - A special thanks to Aligatoraly11 and Touchstone67 for guiding me through this chapter. Seriously, I had an enormous amount of anxiety approaching this part of the story and their help was needed and greatly appreciated. So, thank you both my beta and semi beta.

**Warning** - Soft M rating ahead.

* * *

I needed her.

I had known for some time that there had been a shift in our relationship, ever since I felt Bella's intense love for me as we stood outside my home. At first the intensity had frightened me. There was only one other who had ever showered me with that same emotion and she was now gone never to return. The thought that there could be another who was able to produce such a love for me, a human no less, created an ache in me that needed to express itself. I hid this from not only Bella, but myself as well. I was unwilling to see exactly what was staring me straight in the face … that I loved her.

But, did I truly love Bella beyond that of a friendship? Was it possible to move on so soon after everything I had experienced with Alice? I told myself no at that time and even revealed my past virginity to the girl in order to distract her emotions. We both were simply reacting to our sadness at having lost our mates. All we had were each other and of course, being without someone to express that love to, Bella and I made do with our friendship as a substitute. That is what I continued to tell myself … until now.

I had been unable to control my emotions since first setting foot in the meadow. I tried to mute my affection for Bella by burying it underneath my sympathies, but no matter how hard I tried, that emotion, which I convinced myself was not love, kept pushing against my desire to keep it locked away. The last blow to the meager amount of strength I still had was when I saw her face after Edward's ashes had been taken away by the wind. It was not long afterward that her sorrow attacked me and as she cried in my arms, I wanted nothing more than to take that suffering away from her. The love I emanated onto the girl was not something I could keep in check any longer. It flowed from my body and into hers without a thought from me. My emotions were speaking what I could not with words.

_Bella, I love you._

Then I saw it in her eyes as she pulled away and felt it radiate from her form as well. Love. She loved me and as I said her name it was more of a question – _Do you love me too?_

She answered by replying my name in a trembling and hoarse voice – _Yes, I do._

That was all it took. My lips crashed down onto hers and we sealed our fate with a kiss. The moment felt very urgent, like this had been something boiling between us for awhile and our kiss was the realization of untold feelings.

_I love you, Bella … I don't know how this happened, but I love you._

The sense of need connecting us seemed to increase as our mouths continued to kiss and instead of halting to have a conversation about what was occurring and if it was right or wrong, I shoved caution to the wind. I wanted this. I needed her. My lips were discovering each and every inch of her mouth inside and out while I roughly ran my fingers through her dark brown hair. I felt Bella's body shift backwards a bit as she placed her hands behind her for support and while she did this I settled my hands against the upper portion of her back and ran them up and down against the exposed skin there. The sensation of her flesh against my fingertips was like tiny flames licking my hands and as I experienced her heat a soft sigh of pleasure left Bella's mouth. I could only assume where I felt fire she felt ice.

"Oh, Jasper." She moaned when I moved my kisses away from her mouth and trailed them down her neck. Bella threw her head back when I stopped to pay extra special attention to her collar bone. While at that level, so near to her chest, I became aware of the commotion her heart made. Only when I had preyed upon humans did the sound of an accelerated heart mean anything. The effect it usually had was to incite a blood lust within me, but now as I listened to the pitter-patter of another fast paced heart beneath my ear the connotation was very different. It excited a separate kind of lust inside me and I reiterated Bella's moan from before while kissing the very spot I felt vibrating from each thump of her heart.

Then suddenly Bella's body shifted into a lying position and I had no choice but to join her since Bella pulled me down by the fibers of my shirt with a forceful jerk. Once I had carefully placed my body above hers we commenced again with our unrelenting frenzied state. Neither of us were thinking about consequences … of what this moment could eventually mean for our relationship if I went though with what my desires urged me to … what Bella insisted I do by removing my hands from around her back and pushing them downward to feel under her dress. Slowly I moved my mouth against the warm skin between the V shaped neck line of her dress that exposed the little cleavage she had, all the while my hands fumbled with the soft cotton of her panties. Even a vampire could stumble with such a thing when their mind was clouded with desire. Finally after having had enough with the struggle, I griped the corners of material hugging her hips and yanked down fervently. I thought I heard a sound similar to a rip, but I could not be bothered with such things.

I could sense Bella's nervousness about handling the area of my body below the waist and I gently brushed her hands aside from my belt buckle after a few failed attempts by her to remove it. There was no need for this when I had the ability to take the accessory off in one swift action. Then after all obstacles were removed from us joining together in physical love, I made a move that only seconds later would constitute a horrible regret for me. For the brief moment we were one, I experienced an intense joy and pleasure that can only be found in sex. Yet, that emotion quickly dissipated from me as a realization wrapped itself around my brain. At first it was Bella's groan of pain that pulled me out of my enamored state and once I was thinking clearly again I felt a sensation that greatly disturbed me. Fear. It was escaping Bella's body and there was something else I noticed that felt familiar, but also distant in the recesses of my memories. It pertained to the first time I had made love to Alice. We had been each others first and now the knowledge of what I sensed in Bella came to me in full.

"You're a virgin!" I gasped and instantly removed my body from hers.

I stood refusing to look at Bella while I shamefully pulled my pants back up. At the same time the realization of what had just occurred twisted inside my core. How had this happened? Why did I let my sympathies and sadness for Bella pervert itself into a sexual desire for someone who was suffering greatly? Truly the vampire monster in me had shown itself and caused my lesser qualities to take advantage of the one thing I valued most in my life now. With hands covering my face in shame and my voice filled with regret, I moaned. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I had no idea. Forgive me. Please, just tell me you can forgive me and that we can salvage our relationship after what I have just so utterly destroyed with my actions."

There was a long silence that followed my contrition. Only the sound of Bella's movements against the grass could be heard beyond that of the crickets. I simply stood there with my back to her unwilling to see the look in her eyes.

"You … you don't want me, because I'm a virgin?" Bella spoke in a hushed tone and I knew from the break in her voice that she was crying.

I shook my head angry at myself for being the cause of more pain for the girl, but honestly I had not expected her to react this way. I thought maybe she would cry once she too realized the enormity of what I had taken from her, but no, she was weeping over my sudden rejection. I had no option, but to set the situation straight. "No, it's not that at all. It's only that I shouldn't be the one, Bella. I mean of course I want you. God, I want you so badly, but not like this … it is not possible."

I turned around then ready to face whatever fate had in store for me and I felt a stab of self hatred shock through my body as I took in Bella's brown eyes that stared so sorrowfully at me. Her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth were she absently chewed on the skin the way she always did when a situation became tense or awkward. I noted how some of the sorrow in Bella's eyes was left over from her spreading Edward's ashes, but a larger portion of her pitiful look was directly related to my words, "Why not you, Jasper. The only reason I'm still a virgin anyway is, because Edward refused to do with me what you just had the courage to do right now."

Her ravaged heart was beginning to beat again in the same fast pace as before and then there was the love … her all encompassing love that swirled around me, entering me and making me weak. My will was crumbling along with the venom of hate I felt for myself, "Stop it, Bella. Stop feeling that way about me. It's not right."

The girl scowled at me then. Her look was similar to what she referred to as 'Bella's bitch face'. Apparently my words had roused a determination in her to fight. It all seemed so surreal - this day, our moment together, and now the words I could sense on the tip of her tongue … words that would no doubt try and prove her love. She was fighting for me to believe her, but the truth was I already did. We had both pushed past the threshold. I was merely trying to save what was left of our badly mangled friendship and the love I knew I could never have.

"Why is it wrong for me to feel this way about you? Ideally this isn't the best setting for us or the best circumstances either, but it doesn't matter to me. None of it does. If it's about Alice and your devotion to her that is holding you back … I could understand. It's not easy for me to admit the feelings I have developed for you, because it wasn't so long ago that I lost Edward, but please believe me. I love you. It's just too real not to be true. All those little moments between us that have slowly molded into a deep friendship. I mistook it for that for awhile and maybe it was, but lately it seems to have moved away from there," She stopped for a moment as if to collect her fierceness which had waned some while she spoke and when she continued there was a great amount of passion in her voice, "I may not be able to read emotions as you do, but I felt that our moment together was much more than anything physical. I know that you must have feelings for me too."

"Of course, I do!" I blurted out, unable to contain my love for her that until now had been quivering in the corner afraid to speak those three words – _I love you_, "But, this …" I motioned towards the meadow floor where the blades of grass were matted from our bodies, "It is not right. What could I possibly offer you to deserve such a thing as your virginity and love? I am a vampire, plain and simple and I should not be taking advantage of you like this."

"Who's taking advantage of whom?" She said her eyes aflame and I watched her walk with determined legs over to me.

When she came near enough that I could feel her heat, she placed both hands against my face bringing me down to her level. Her eyes were swimming in tears again, but there was no sadness in them or emanating from her … only love. I found myself relenting and ignoring the warnings that told me to leave her alone, that I should not be involved with someone so fragile, so human, and so broken. The fight in me was all but gone as I allowed Bella to bring my lips to hers, although unlike before when both our energies had been fierce and quick, now the moment leading up to our eventual kiss felt like it was moving in slow motion. The softness of Bella's lips against mine and the tenderness of her movements as her hands slid away from my face and around my neck sent a thrill through my system.

Could I accept this? Was there a way for us to be together? Perhaps, but I knew that whatever I decided or whatever she convinced me to do well, this was not the place for such choices.

"No, not here." I mumbled into our kiss, my lips refusing to relinquish hers, but my brain telling me I had to.

"Why not …" Bella began, but before she had chance to say anything further I pulled away my mouth and scooped her body up into my arms.

"Ohhh." She said in surprise.

Then in another quick maneuver that was faster than the blink of a human eye, I retrieved the rest of our belongings and was off running. I knew the speed I used was excessive and that Bella might very well faint from fear, but I had to get to my destination, before anymore could be dealt with. I felt the urgency of what we both felt and wanted nothing more than to seriously discuss what the pros and cons were of this new found love. I had to look at this from all options and being in the meadow, where Edward's memory still remained the strongest for Bella, was not at all healthy for either of us. So, I took the girl to the one place I felt safest, the little stream just beyond the house I lived in. We would be far enough away from the rest of my family not to be interfered with and because this was my spot, it also held no connection to Alice. She had never encroached on my alone time and this was where I went to ponder such things as my immortal life and my eternal struggle against the human blood I craved.

Only now I would not be alone and my thoughts would not be filled with such things as the human vital fluid I used to long for. My need to protect Bella and now also love her was the single greatest deterrent to that lifestyle for me. After such a long and arduous road of forgoing my natural instincts to feed on humans, I now felt nothing, but disgust for the taking of human life, because wanting to ingest the blood of the living meant that I was putting Bella in danger and I could never allow that ... EVER.

When we reached the area I referred to as my private sanctuary, I gingerly placed Bella down on the grass and then tossed aside the other items in my hold. "Are you okay?" I asked with concern when I saw the girl place her head between her legs, which I might add looked very unladylike in the dress she wore.

"Just give me a minute, okay. My stomach needs to slide out of my throat." Bella warbled.

I chuckled slightly, "I'm sorry I moved with that aggressive speed. I simply could not be there anymore and I thought that if we were in neutral territory then maybe we could talk."

"What do you mean?" Bella asked as she continued to stare at the ground beneath her legs.

"This place has no connection whatsoever to my brother and I thought it best for us to be away from reminders of him if we were going to discuss … us." I explained, seating myself next to her on the ground.

She said nothing in reply and I ran my fingers through the thickness of her hair before finding the nape of her neck to massage. The touch of my fingers seemed to relax her some and I felt the emotion of pleasure release from her body. "Mmmm … Thank you." She said lifting her head up to look at me.

"Your eyes are so beautiful." I thought, not realizing my mouth had become a vessel for my mind.

Bella blushed in response and I marveled at the deep red her cheeks glowed with, "I'm sorry. I do not mean to embarrass you. It just feels so satisfying to finally be able to say these sorts of things out loud."

Then I found myself falling into her gaze. My body moving in her direction as we kissed once again. This time though the experience felt much more chaste. Now that we both were removed from the immediate pull of before, there was a bit of shyness in us.

"So …" I fumbled with my words once we were separated again, "Us. Let's figure out what we should do."

"Us." She repeated softly, "I like the sound of that."


	40. Chapter 40

"I'd really like to know …" I trailed my voice to a whisper and then eventually said nothing at all.

"Yes?" Jasper asked, one of his eye brows raised in a questioning fashion.

We were seated next to each other on the grass, closer than I was used to sitting with him. Although, now that we had all, but done the deed was their really any reason to be so far apart. This intimacy of one of my legs draped over his while he gently rested a hand on my exposed knee was far more innocent than the contact we had experienced with each other's bodies earlier.

He continued to look at me as if waiting for a reply, "Please do not be embarrassed, Bella. I can pretty much guarantee that anything you say will not deter me from my promise to stay with you tonight." Jasper's voice was so soothing and the slight Texan accent lilting his words made me completely melt.

But, still I was hesitant about bringing up the subject of my virginity again, because yes, even though I had gone farther with Jasper than I had with any other person living or undead, I continued to group myself with those who had yet to experience sex. So, the awful truth was I still had the body of an 18 year old virgin. Discussing the matter with someone who for the better part of a century was involved in a continual sexual relationship, made me feel extremely inadequate in comparison and add to that the fact that my dead best friend had been his partner and well, it was just an extremely awkward subject to broach.

I tried to entice some courage by filling my lungs with the night's humid air and then expelling it. I was now staring at his hand that gently surrounded the circle of my knee. His fingers were slowly moving in a repetitive motion, each tip tracing tiny swirls against my skin. I sighed at the pleasure his cold touch brought me and tried to force myself to look at him, but my nerve was on empty. Thankfully Jasper took it upon himself to bring about my face with the fingers of his free hand. Slowly he guided my head in his direction with a gentle push against my cheek.

"Please tell me. Whatever you are not saying is causing me to think the worst and it's just coiling inside my head the longer you remain silent."

I had to laugh then, "Hardly. If anything it's my ego that has to worry, not you."

"Well, I promise to handle that ego of yours with care." Jasper arched his eyebrows trying to give me a sincere stare, but he only came off looking goofy, well as goofy as a breathtakingly beautiful vampire could.

"If you stop giving me that look then I will tell you." I giggled.

He frowned, but did as I asked, "Better?"

"Well, you see … I was wondering exactly why you had me pegged as a non virgin. I mean I thought you and your vampire family were tight. Weren't you aware that Edward refused to go all the way with me?"

Jasper turned his golden eyes downward and I saw a half smile form on his lips while he contemplated my question. I could tell this was not an easy subject for him or at the very least he was trying to approach it in the correct manner that would leave my ego unscathed as he had promised.

Then he turned his face back to mine and encircled my waist in his arms, pulling me closer to where I was nearly sitting upon his lap. The look in his eyes was intense, but also loving as he spoke, "Honestly, Bella the thought never occurred to me until I realized it when we were … together." He said hesitating on the last word.

"If Edward refused to be with you it was news to me. Having lived most of my immortal life in a state of constant emotion I have learned over the years how to block out certain aspects of this emotional gage of mine. Anything involving sexual desire or frustration, as I assume was the case for both you and Edward, would not have registered for me and it was not as if I had contemplated your sexual history before. Even after we became close the thought of sex was never one that entered my mind. In truth, I was attracted to you, but you were human and also suffering. How could I think beyond that initial attraction to even consider your virginity?"

Jasper paused for a moment as his hands timidly moved up from my waist and through my hair and surprised, but did not disappoint me when he guided my lips in his direction. We briefly kissed and my friend's lips softly grazed my jaw before he settled his body back down. There was a shy smile tugging at the corners of my mouth, but Jasper didn't notice. His eyes had wandered down to our hands which were now clasped tightly in each others grasp.

Then he continued, "When we were together in the meadow I was too lost in my need for you and my goal to express just how much I wanted and loved you. Your virginity never crossed my mind until the realization hit me after it was already too late. I wasn't repelled by your virginity, Bella, as I may have led you to believe with my rejection. I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way by pulling away. At that moment I was simply upset I had been the one to take your virginity from you. You remember what I told you before about my upbringing and how I viewed sex before my change. I still hold true to that part of my former human nature. I would never want to be the one to take that from you … not when I can offer you nothing of a promise for the future."

"I'm not asking for anything." I interrupted him and feeling emboldened by the closeness we now shared, with me in Jasper's lap and his kiss still tingling from where his lips met my skin, I placed a hand under his chin and brought his face up to look me in the eyes.

He didn't reject my pull and I was glad for that, because there was no way I would ever be able to lift a vampire's face if he didn't want me to. "Jasper, I am far too screwed up to ask anything of you. My life has done a complete turn since Edward's death. When he was with me I did have a plan for my future, but now … life is not so simple anymore to think of what will happen tomorrow. I can't predict or hope for the future and I'm not asking that of you either. I am only asking for a here and now with you, because I know that is all I am capable of too."

Jasper reached up with his thumb to wipe away the tear I was unaware had fallen from my eye and then spoke in a voice that hinted at an internal struggle, "The thought that I could fall in love again so soon … startles me, but it isn't enough to keep me away from you, Bella. I simply do not have the ability to leave you alone after everything we have been through together, from our times shared in the moment right after you wake up in the morning to what we consummated in the meadow not so long ago. I can't help it. Under these strange and unusual circumstances I have fallen in love and to leave that behind would ruin me."

Jasper paused again and I could sense a shift in the subject matter by the tone he used when he spoke again. He was no longer talking with the passion of a love declaration, but instead his words felt more mater of fact and business like, "Now that I have told you all this I hope you do not find me petty when I say our sexual union should not have taken place. If this truly is love that we both feel for each other then I have an obligation to make your first time less rushed and more romantic. If you are willing to give me such a precious gift as your virginity then I owe it to you to make the experience worth while."

I shook my head, "No, Jasper. It's doesn't matter to me when or where."

"But it does to me." He replied his tone still calm, "I have a need to honor what you are giving me and I will follow through with that. I don't know, maybe this means I am selfish. Well, then so be it. You still have a chance to turn away and run from such a selfish creature."

He sounded as if he truly wanted me to and I exhaled loudly in frustration.

"Are you so anxious for this to happen that you cannot wait?" He asked and then quietly laughed to himself, "Your mood has been all over the map tonight. Sadness, Angst, Sexual Desire, Love, and now Anger which you are directing at me."

"Call it more of an angry sexual frustration after your little preview of what could have been. You vampires and your morals." I sighed shaking my head, remembering exactly how it felt to be refused by another of his kind, although at least Jasper did not need marriage to consummate his love for me … he just needed more time and a better setting.

"I would have to disagree with your statement and say that a vampire with morals is of the minority with my kind. You just happened to come across a few who possess a conscious . Although, I am hardly pure in the matter of taking lives, in the area of sex … I can say I am honorable and yet, you are right about one thing. It was rather unkind of me to leave you in such a suspended state of need. Not fair at all." Jasper said and then was silent.

His hands were in my hair again and this seemed to be a new fascination for him … the feel of the strands against his skin. It wasn't the first time my hair had been touched by Jasper. I could easily recall every moment his cold fingers had softly pulled at my roots trying to produce calm in me alongside his natural ability to influence my mood artificially. Now, though he seemed to be relishing the experience and a part of me wondered if this was perhaps something new for him. Alice had always had her close cropped pixie cut and before her there was only Maria in his life. I highly doubted Jasper and his partner in evil vampire deeds had spent any amount of time running their fingers through each other's hair. Although, the image my mind produced of this scenario made me slightly jealous.

Maria had always been nothing, but a vague picture in my head. When Jasper had originally told me the horrifying tale of his early years as a vampire, my shock had been so great that I was only able to feel sympathy for Jasper and the horrible things he had to endure. Every other detail was like a faded black and white photograph and this included all the secondary characters in his story. Nevertheless, now that I knew on several occasions his Mexican vampire companion had offered her body to him well, I couldn't help but compare myself with the grandiose figment my mind created – something that looked a lot like Selma Hayek after she had taken a dose of beauty steroids. I could never measure up.

"What are you thinking of to cause such a strong bought of jealousy?" Jasper wondered with a look of genuine curiosity on his face.

_Ugh! Annoying Emo Boyfriend!_

I cringed at his ability to see me so transparently, but at the same time I was glad he could not feel what caused the jealousy. "Nothing." I said, my voice carrying a hint of annoyance, but then I felt a slow smile begin to form on my face as the word boyfriend echoed inside my head.

I had mentally referred to Jasper as my boyfriend. It seemed a bit premature to say such a thing I reminded myself while remembering what he had said. The future was unwritten for us … two people so emotionally wrecked and yet finding life again in each other. I shied away from delving any further than that. Thinking of what would come next was pointless. No, I would sit here in this moment right now and drink in all I could of the wonderful vampire who I had grown so close to. I would leave musings about tomorrow and the days afterward for another time.

"Actually Jasper, I was wondering if maybe you would like to braid my hair. You seem to be so captivated with it." I teasingly grinned while trying to move the subject away from my supposed jealousy.

He replied with a soft chuckle and then imitated an 8 year old boy trying to get a girl's attention by tugging on a lock of my hair. "You know I could braid your hair if you really wanted me to. Before I joined the Confederate Army I lived at home with two sisters. My mother passed away before they were grown and sometimes I would help out and this included hair braiding. Although, I highly doubt you would actually want me to waste my time with such an unnecessary task when your hair looks as beautiful as it does right now. The way it frames your face is just stunning."

I blushed, still not completely at ease when he commented on my beauty, but then the other part of his little story rang in my ears … the one involving sisters. Jasper had sisters? It seemed so odd for me not to have been aware of this detail and then just as suddenly it occurred to me that I pretty much knew very little about Jasper's human years. He rarely spoke of that time period. "What were their names?" I asked.

Jasper seemed preoccupied with my hair again and didn't understand the question, "Who do you mean?"

"Your sisters." I all but, moaned with pleasure as I felt the pull of his fingers in my tresses.

My _boyfriend_ halted his touch on me, "Abigail and Charlotte." His answer was short and I felt him use his vampire speed to maneuver my legs, so that I was unexpectedly straddling him, "But, I'd rather not talk about my past right now. I want to take in everything that is right before me in the present."

He tried to pull me for a kiss and I barely had the strength to resist, but somehow I found it in me to stop the magnetic pull I felt pulsating from him. "Does it bother you to talk about when you were human?"

A heavy sigh left his mouth as I watched Jasper's head droop slightly and he moved his hands to his sides. "It's not exactly something I can speak of with ease. That time was so long ago and the memories are indistinct at best, but whenever I think back to then, before the internment in Hell I experienced with Maria, it makes me sad. So much was stolen from me when I was changed and none of it is anything I can ever get back. Even Alice had limited access to my memories on that and despite all of the magic this world has to offer, what with vampires and shape shifters existing, there is no way for me to ever get that part of me back. The past is a place I can never return to."

"I'm sorry." I said, not knowing how to comfort him.

"Don't be. Like I said my human past is something I'd rather leave unsaid, so there is no reason for you to feel sympathy if we do not drag it out to examine." His eyes still had some sadness in them and I fervently wanted to take that away.

"Can you do something else for me then?" I was hoping that if I offered him a change in topic then it would help to lighten Jasper's mood.

He looked at me quizzically probably wondering what I had up my sleeve, but then relented with a smile and nod, "What is it?"

"I need a human moment." It was the phrase I had always used with Edward whenever I needed to take care of things that might be foreign to a vampire.

"What is it you need?" He asked becoming alert.

"A bathroom." I grinned awkwardly.

Jasper stood instantly and brought me to my feet with him, "I'm sorry. I should have been more aware of your needs. Being with you can be much like a reeducation to my past, what with reliving human experiences vicariously through you. Are you hungry as well? I feel so inconsiderate for not thinking of your needs sooner."

He was babbling in a speech that seemed to flow entirely too fast, almost as if what he said was just one really long word. So, I reached up on my tiptoes to silence him with a kiss. Jasper responded to me at once and became quiet as our lips moved along each others. His hands, always entangled in my hair reached up to do just so and I sighed wanting nothing more than to revel in the experience and move my body closer to his. The desire to press myself further into him was palpable, but at the same time there was another need reminding me of its presence and so, I reluctantly pulled away.

"Jasper, I just need to pee and also change my underwear considering mine are now torn and barely hanging on." I explained, hoping to calm the worry he felt upon realizing he had forgotten my humanness.

A shy smile played on his face, "Um … yeah, torn panties, that would be my fault. Sorry."

I returned the shyness he felt as we both remembered the fateful panty pull that would cost me another trip to Victoria's Secret and I couldn't stop the giggle that bubbled up from my throat. Jasper laughed too.

"Well, if it's a bathroom you need then I can take you to one not too far from here." He said when our humor died away.

"Where is that?" I asked, hoping he did not mean some random rest stop off of the highway, because as far as I was aware the two of us were somewhere deep in the forest surrounding Forks.

Jasper jerked his head toward his left, "Where I live. It's about 5 miles that way. You are more than welcome to use the facilities there."

I thought about this for a moment, not really seeing any problem with this until the glorious face of another vampire I knew entered my head. After seeing the image flash before my eyes I felt a dread fill me, "Will Rosalie be there?" I whispered.

Jasper shook his head disapprovingly, "Yes, my sister is there and no, she will not bother you. Bella, you really need to move past Rosalie bullying you. You cannot live your life in fear of her. Besides, I promise she will do nothing to cause you pain. You have my word on that. "

I don't think the look on my face convinced him I felt ready for a trip that would take me in such close proximity to the supermodel-esque vampire I felt such a great uneasiness for. I heard him sigh in frustration and then in one hurried movement my hand was suddenly in his and the two of us were walking side by side in the direction he had motioned towards before.

His home.


	41. Chapter 41

"Were you intending on walking at a human pace for the whole five miles?" Bella grumbled, her eyes looking skeptically into mine.

I chuckled, returning her gaze with a smile as we continued to walk hand in hand through the thick forest. I helped lift her body gently across a fallen tree trunk after watching her struggle with maneuvering around it and decided that her complaint was probably well placed. The heels Bella wore hindered her ability to move even at a snail's pace.

"Well, I had hoped to give you a bit of a human experience by strolling hand in hand with you. That is how it's done is it not?" I replied.

I was not exactly sure how to approach this new union of mine. For far too long I had been living amongst vampires and for the most part humans were separate pieces to life's puzzle for me. Early on I saw them simply as vessels of blood, a disposable item placed on earth for my willful taking. Although, the strong empathy I possessed had eventually ended that lifestyle choice of mine. After meeting Alice and beginning our life together, I was still set comfortably apart from humans except in passing. Bella had been the first of her kind to join my inner circle and forever would it be ingrained inside my head what I had almost done to the girl, because of her introduction into my world.

The scene of me rushing full tilt towards the object of my blood lust, Bella's oozing paper cut, still haunted me. Yet, our relationship had always been strained from the start. Even if I had never come after Bella with the intent of draining her blood that night of her 18th birthday it still would not have changed anything. Instead it was a greater force that brought us together.

Bereavement.

That shared emotion eventually gave way to new ones and now as strange as it sounded to me, I had fallen in love with her. I had been with Bella in the most intimate of ways and I raked my brain for ideas of giving this flesh and blood girl the correct dating experience.

Bella's eyes flashed a look of affection upon me and I felt her chagrin being to fade, "Oh, Jasper that's sweet of you to want to do that and I might be more inclined to take you up on that offer if my shoes weren't making it completely impossible to walk on anything, but a well worn path. Also there is the fact that I have a full bladder that complicates the matter."

"How inconsiderate of me." I groaned, frustrated once again with my inability to see life through human eyes as Bella did.

Of course, she would be uncomfortable. What had I been thinking? Swiftly I reached down to circle her waist with my hands and then lifted her tiny figure into my arms. Bella was so warm and soft against me as she positioned herself into a comfortable arrangement within my hold. While she moved, placing her arms around my neck and her head against my shoulder, I noted how it felt so natural for me to be embracing her like this and I also admitted to myself that finally being able to express my feelings to her had been a relief. I did not know the extent of what my love was capable of, but at least she was aware and at least I had confessed that I was in love.

Bella nuzzled her face into my chest and I moved my lips down to kiss her soft brown hair. While so close, I pulled her scent and the intense floral flavor of her blood into my lungs. This action caused every inch of my vampire senses to become alert. Before, the experience would have brought about my less than human qualities, like the feel and taste of venom in my mouth, but after everything that occurred between us tonight I could only feel desire. I wanted her body. It took all of my will power not to take her for my own right then and there. I tried to force myself into focusing. There were much more urgent needs that had to be met first and I had made a promise to myself that I would give Bella a sexual experience to be remembered. There would be no repeat of the hasty and all too brief union we had shared in the meadow.

Thankfully, Bella pushed aside my less than gentlemanly thoughts by asking a question that had my mind been elsewhere it might have brought about irritation in me, but now I welcomed the shift in my thoughts. If anything it would keep me of thinking about the warms places of Bella's body I wanted to revisit.

"I think it was very cute of you to want to take me on a romantic stroll through the woods, but the way you phrased it, well, it makes me wonder if you had experience with dating before Alice … like when you were human?" I could sense some mischievousness in her and why not? The girl was obviously approaching a subject I had asked her not to only a few minutes before … my human past.

I overstated an eye roll enough for Bella to tell I was unhappy with her sneaky ways, but also indicated that I would none the less answer her query. "If you must pry then I suppose I will tell you that yes, I did court one girl, but it ended rather quickly. She did not want to continue to be with me once I told her I had signed up to fight in the war. Long distance relationships meant something entirely different back then and I was not in love with her enough to stay behind as she wished."

Bella was silent for a few seconds after I finished my short tale and then she looked up at me with a heartfelt stare, "I'm sorry for bringing up your past. I know it makes you unhappy to think of it … I just … well, there is so much about you that I know, but even more that I don't. I was only curious about your past relationships, considering you know the extent of mine."

I pulled her tighter into me and briefly brushed my lips against her forehead, "It's understandable, but honestly Bella we both are on the same page when it comes to our past histories with the opposite sex. True, you are still a virgin and I am not, but our relationships before were completely monogamous. So, it would seem that there are no secret skeletons to bring forth from the closet. We are coming into this situation as equals."

A large smile played over her features as she replied, "It feels nice to hear you say that, because all of my life I have always felt inadequate when held up to anyone else. I was just so average in comparison … average looks, average brain, average life. Then when I fell in love with Edward and to my utter amazement he returned the feeling, there just always seemed to be a nagging voice inside my head telling me I was never meant to be with him, that I looked incredibly out of place by his side. I should feel that way about you too, because the similarities between Edward and you are striking, but … I don't. Us, as a couple, being together or whatever it is we are doing, gives me such a peaceful feeling. There is no constant anxiety over less than perfect me. Jasper, you make me feel like I am an equal to you. "

The girl was serene while she spoke, but when she reached the end of her speech Bella's face quickly scrunched into a cringe, "Eh … did that sound as corny to you as it did echoing in my ears?"

"Not at all." I laughed, "It sounded rather profound to me."

Bella interpreted my words as teasing, because she playfully stuck out her tongue and exaggerated her tone to sound cynical, "Well, as long as you think so."

I turned to focus my eyes directly into Bella's and filled her with a deep love. Superimposing this emotion onto her was getting easier to do now that I no longer felt conflicted about caring for Bella beyond that of friendship and I let the sensation flow from my body into hers. I could never fully explain exactly how I felt for the girl with words. They had always been my downfall and so, at this point in time I was thankful that my emphatic abilities were able to share my love for Bella without me ever having to stumble with my less than articulate language. "It is in all seriousness when I say that I feel the same way as you do. Bella, the fact that you are human does not make you any less to me. There is no doubt in my mind that we are one in the same."

Her lips mouthed a thank you and as I watched the fullness of them move against each other a sudden urge took over me. I seized the momentum of my passion by pressing my mouth against hers. After a few minutes passed with us being locked in an all encompassing kiss, I felt the need to stop walking. I knew my senses were slipping away in their sharpness and even I was not immune to smashing into a tree when my entire being was so occupied in a completely separate action.

Our kiss was so intense that it simply took away my ability to know right from left. Eventually the necessity for our mouths to part ways presented itself when I heard Bella's breath begin to come out in ragged bursts of air between my lips. I knew I shouldn't torture the girl this way, being a vampire made any form of romantic expression from me that much more difficult for a human to experience.

"I'm sorry. I will not delay you any longer." I apologized once my face was a safe enough distance away from hers for me not to be tempted again, "Hold on tight. We are about to move at excessive speeds." I grinned playfully.

"Oh, no." Bella groaned and then shoved her face into my chest.

Once I used the full extent of my abilities at running, it took only five minutes to reach my home. Settling Bella down at the foot of the porch leading to the front door, I told her of our arrival. She seemed uneasy in her footing, but I helped her along by placing an arm around her shoulders.

"Ready?" I asked, doubting she was.

I could tell by the look Bella shot me in response and also the emotions I sensed inside her that the girl was apprehensive. All signs pointed to the center of that hesitation being Rosalie, who I could hear softly talking within the walls of the house. Others were also being vocal in her company, but it was my sister's voice that I focused in on. She was still unaware of our presence outside and as I slowly helped Bella climb the steps leading to the door, I whispered softly into her ear, "Don't worry. I'm here with you."

She sent me a pleading glance as I used my key to unlock the entrance and I kissed her cheek to help send calm throughout her while we moved through the door frame. My eyes quickly took stock of the situation and I noticed that sitting in the room adjacent to where we now stood was the rest of my family. Each was involved in their own activity. Emmett and Rosalie were entranced by a game of Backgammon, while Carlisle and Esme sat in front of the flat screen watching the most recent version of 'Pride and Prejudice'- Esme's favorite movie.

All four were staring in our direction before Bella and I had even been able to step more than a few inches inside. There was a tension filled second that transpired were not one of us moved or said a word. We stood from our position watching them while they did likewise. Someone had to move the situation forward and ultimately it was Esme who broke the awkwardness we all felt trapped in, by walking slowly towards Bella and me. She exclaimed Bella's name, although her voice, hardly above a whisper, was almost comparable to that of a relieved sigh. She above anyone else in my family knew the importance of this moment and pressed to be the one to find an end to all the strife we had been through in the past month.

My mother pulled Bella into a fierce hold and I could feel the incredibly strong emotions of love and sympathy pouring off of Esme. Her affectionate action was like a signal or white flag to the rest of my family. She had dissipated the heightened uneasiness for us all and as Bella returned Esme's embrace it was like the girl's cloak of fear fell to the floor too.

Bella felt at home, as well she should have, and it was not long before the rest of them joined in to greet the one I now loved. Even Rosalie, who had up until this moment avoided my presence, because of the guilt she harbored at having been the cause of such consternation for me, came up to welcome Bella like a long lost family member. I was pleased to sense remorse in Rosalie as she said her hello.

At that instant I knew that neither I nor Bella had to worry. This was her chance to make peace and Rosalie did so in the only way she knew how. There would be no apology spoken, my sister was too prideful for that. Yet, this one action of her welcoming Bella willingly without any prompting from Emmett, Carlisle or Esme was a sign. Rosalie had given up on her notion that the girl did not belong among us. She had finally accepted Bella into our family, which was a great relief to me. I did not want to worry what would happen once it was known to all that I, like Edward, was in a relationship with a human. It was imperative that Bella not have to worry about such things when everything around us was so unstable.

The rest of the evening went along as smoothly as I could have hoped and it reminded me somewhat of how things had been before the battle that had claimed both Edward and Alice. We were minus two members of our family, but it was not as glaringly obvious as it had been on past occasions when the animosity between Rosalie and I had flared, keeping us all separated by our emotions. The movie and game were all, but forgotten as the conversation flowed back and forth so effortlessly between the group like old times. Although, I realized that there was one other detail besides the absence of our lost loved ones that had changed.

My proximity to Bella.

In the past I had always kept my distance, watching the girl from afar, so that the expanse between us kept the smell of human blood from enticing the vampire within me. There was no order given for me to stay back from her. It was a choice I willingly made in order to protect the one my brother loved.

Unlike the past however, I spent this evening sitting directly next to Bella on the couch while the rest of my family made seats for themselves on various pieces of furniture scattering the room. There was even a point during our visit when I felt bold enough to playfully braid Bella's hair into two sections like pigtails, while she strummed out a song on my guitar for everyone to hear. I was remembering the teasing words she had said about my preoccupation with her hair and instinctively I reached out wanting to touch it and the braiding soon followed. I hid my amusement when her fingers stumbled a bit as my touch brought about both pleasure and shyness in her and once the style I created was finished I found myself marveling at the way it made Bella appear much like a woman from my era. My mind began wandering and imagined us courting and eventually making a life together as husband and wife during that long ago century. Of course, this daydream of mine had us both sharing the same genetic makeup as humans and I sighed softly in defeat thinking how this could never be.

While losing myself in this fantasy, I saw Rosalie's eyes glance suspiciously in my direction. I half expected to feel flushed with her annoyance at the familiarly I used with touching Bella but, instead she was only curious. I surmised Rosalie was probably wondering about my relationship with the girl and of our new found closeness. Then I saw her exchange a knowing glace with Emmett who was leaning lazily against the armrest of Rosalie's chair and I inwardly groaned.

_If only they knew the full extent of tonight's events._

But, telling them had not been decided. There was no way to discern exactly when the proper time was to reveal that part about Bella and me. It was so new and not yet ready for the opinions of others who might not understand or even agree. I especially did not want Sam to get wind of any of this, since my family and I were all aware how he felt about the mingling of vampires with humans. What would his response be to Bella's romantic involvement with another member of the undead? I shuddered thinking that any plausible reaction from Sam would only be a negative for the girl.

At that moment, Bella turned her head almost as if she had sensed my uneasiness and then laying aside my guitar she took hold of my hand, "I suppose we should be going now. I do have a sleepover date with Angela to get to before it's too late."

She was looking directly into my eyes when she spoke and I could tell that Bella wanted me to reiterate her statement. "Yes, it is getting late and from the looks of things I would assume that Pearl Jam has played their last set."

There was a collective chuckle from the group since they all were aware of our night's little charade and I pulled out my cell phone to glance down at the glowing clock on the screen. It was nearly midnight, which had been our agreed rendezvous time with Angela.

We said our goodbyes and Bella received a few more hugs from Esme and a slap on the back from Emmett before we exited the house. Outside, I moved at a human pace, hand in hand with Bella when suddenly I halted and said, "Here, why don't we take the Porsche to Angela's? It would be far easier than running back to the Mercedes and then driving to her house from that location."

Bella tilted her head in my direction with a concerned look covering her face, "Are you sure that you … well, I mean is it something that may seem okay now, but later will bring up painful memories?"

Her hand came up to softly brush my cheek and I took her tiny appendage away from my face and pulled it, so that she moved closer into me. Then I held her tightly in my arms. Having Bella around was like possessing my own personal buffer for the recollections that caused me the greatest emotional suffering. If she was with me then I did not fear that thoughts of Alice would come back to haunt me, "I will be fine." I stated, knowing without a doubt that this was the truth.

Our drive back to where the night had originated from was mostly spent in quiet reflection for me. So much had changed in the past few hours and all of it had been for the better. I may have regretted my decision to follow through with my passionate yearnings for Bella while in the meadow, but in the end the situation had worked itself out. In the wake of such a significant moment there was only love and even though I still held onto my grief, the emotion had taken a backseat somewhere off in the distance. It had all, but been muted by Bella's declaration to me and mine to her.

We were in love.

"I love you, Bella." I murmured into her lips as we sat inside the idling Porsche waiting for Angela's arrival, all the while occupying our waiting time with a heated make out session.

"And I love you back." She replied, her mouth like a blaze against my skin.

And in that moment I knew nothing else mattered to me … only Bella.


	42. Chapter 42

I sat as a passenger inside Angela's car with my eyes focused on the outside world blurring past me in a constant shade of green. Mostly I was silent to the many questions my friend inundated me with as we made our way down the road towards my house. I really wasn't trying to be rude. If I could have talked to anyone about Jasper and me then it should have been the girl in the driver's seat.

It was late morning. A whole 10 hours had passed since Angela first caught Jasper and I red-handed in the act of displaying our new found love for each other. It was something that I found myself embarrassed over and extremely tongue tied about. My mind kept replaying the scene over and over to the point where my face was permanently shaded in red. There was no time for the blush to fade away, because ever since Angela saw us, I could think of nothing else.

I cringed imagining that she may have witnessed Jasper's hand gently caressing my breast after he had managed to undress my top half in all of a split second. Of course, this had been just as our uninvited guest walked up to the passenger side window of the Porsche and tapped on the glass. We had been so consumed with our foreplay that even Jasper hadn't heard Angela or her car approach. I wasn't exactly sure what she saw, but I did know that she had seen far too much to keep my new relationship a secret.

I suppose I could have just asked her what she had stumbled upon last night, but it was simply impossible for me to force myself to mention that event. Hell, I could barely do much beyond grimace and shrug in response to her many questions. The sound of Angela's frustrated sigh caught my attention then and I felt guilt wash over me. Why was it so hard for me to talk to Angela about this? She was my friend and someone I knew was able to keep a secret, unlike some others I had encountered in Forks. The more I contemplated this, the more I realized it all boiled down to just one fact. I had been seen doing something that was the complete polar opposite of how people perceived me. I was innocent minded Bella and for me, getting to second base with someone of the opposite sex was basically incomprehensible.

I had a reputation, brought about by Edward's hands-off approach to keeping me alive. No amount of heavy petting would ever be witnessed by the general population where Edward and I were concerned. He never wanted to lose control with me and this in effect made my friends and acquaintances think I was either a lesbian or a prude, depending on who you talked to. I suppose the latter term might have been truthful. It certainly had been the case before I found somebody to love. Where most teenagers wore their sexuality out on their sleeve, I did not. I never loved anyone while I lived in Phoenix and for me love and sex were one in the same. Once I moved to Forks and met Edward though I would have gladly relinquished prudish Bella if only Edward had given me the chance.

Now, so much had changed and I was in a new relationship with another vampire. Only this one did not follow the same rigid rules as Edward. It was only natural that my inner sexual being would emerge, since it was no longer tied down. Too bad one of my closest friends had seen me in the act of going further than I ever had before with a boy. I felt my already red cheeks flame again at the thought and I quickly covered them with my hands.

Angela must have seen me do this, because not long afterward she started talking again, but this time there was no plea for answers. She was trying to be comforting, "Seriously Bella, you shouldn't be embarrassed. It's no big deal. So, I saw you and Jasper making out, it is hardly anything to get worked up over. Yeah, it's embarrassing for all three of us, but someday we'll laugh about it. Besides, if only you knew half the stuff Ben and I do when no one is looking."

"What?" I turned my face away from scenery gazing to look at her.

"I'm hardly queen bee when it comes to morality, but I suppose if that's what the world wants to see me as, because of my nerdy glasses and conservative clothes then okay. I know it makes my dad sleep easier at night thinking I'm his innocent little girl." Angela winked at me, before focusing her eyes back on the road, my mouth gaping in response.

"You're not a virgin?" I asked, astonished at the prospect of good girl Angela having a sex life.

My friend laughed shyly, "If we were to use the Webster's dictionary definition of the word then yes, I am a virgin, but I wouldn't exactly say I deserve that title. We'll just leave it at that."

She laughed again, but the sound was edgy and I wondered if it was to hide the nervousness she must have felt for exposing such an intimate detail of her life. It was a well known fact that the entire Forks high school thought Angela was the leader of the school's chastity club … well, everyone at school except Ben apparently. As I digested this eye-opening shocker from Angela, I began to feel extremely petty for having kept the extent of Jasper and me a secret from her for the past few hours. Here she was being so open about an uncomfortable topic and I couldn't do the same.

I felt momentum rising in my chest, forcing me to confide in Angela and tell her the truth. Then all at once my words came hurtling out like a confession to a priest, "Jasper told me he loved me last night and I reciprocated. We didn't have sex--it almost came to that, but it's not what you walked in on. The almost-sex happened earlier. Crap … did I just say that?"

My face fell into my hands like I was an ostrich shoving its head in the sand. Maybe if I hid behind them long enough what I said would leave Angela's memory. No dice, because I heard my friend chuckle before saying, "If that happened then I'm really happy for you two. It seems only natural what with all the time you two have been spending together and the way he looks at you."

I pulled my head out of my hands, enticed by her words, "How does he look at me?"

Angela was silent for a brief moment as she tried to pin point the exact words that best described what she meant, "Jasper looking at you is like he's concentrating really hard on something. I know that sounds stupid, but his focus is always on you. The few times I have been around you both I've noticed that he never really sees me or anything else for the matter. It's always you."

I didn't try to fight the smile beginning to take shape on my face. In fact I reveled in it. Damn it felt really good to smile and be happy. I was deliriously joyful at hearing Angela's interpretation of Jasper looking at me. I was already aware that Jasper loved me. He had declared it in so many ways last night. His verbal communication of that love was the most obvious, but I also felt it in the way he held my hand or wanted to take me for a stroll though the woods and I most definitely felt it when his cold lips were caressing the surface of my skin. Still, to hear from a second party that she saw love in Jasper's eyes when he looked at me … well, it held a different implication that made me feel warm all over.

"It's so nice to see you smiling again, Bella. I'm glad you've had Jasper in your life since ..." Angela trailed off obviously not wanting to bring about sadness for me, but then she picked up again when we reached the driveway to my house minutes later. "I know I'm no Jasper, but if you need anything you know all you have to do is call."

"I know. Thanks, Angela."

I reached over to embrace the girl, but pulled away when I heard her say, "Looks like you have a visitor."

"What?" I whipped my head around to stare out the windshield in the direction of Angela's attention.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw who was sitting on the porch steps with his eyes staring in our direction and I absentmindedly mouthed the name of my guest.

_Jacob_.

Once our gazes locked, my friend bounded off the steps and strode over to the car. Then in all of a few seconds I was locked in an embrace with him. After our hug ended I waved goodbye to Angela as she drove away and then got down to business. If he was here then there must have been some development with the whole Sam thing.

"What's up?" I asked him in the most nonchalant way possible, but of course he could see the anxiousness I tried to hide.

"Calm down, Bella. Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to see how you were." Jake said, shaking his head at my habit of freaking out at the drop of the hat, but could he expect any less after everything I had been through?

"Well, I assumed you had news about Sam." I explained.

Jacob stared down at me while shrugging his shoulders "Nah, nothing new to tell you about that. I just wanted to see how you were after last night. Did you go through with it?"

For an extremely long panic ridden moment my mind conjured up images of my body entangled with Jasper in the meadow. No, of course that's not what Jacob meant when he said – did you go through with it. He had no idea that Jasper and I were even together in the romantic sense of the word. I also highly doubted someone who had once professed to love me would want to hear any details concerning my sexual interaction with another man. Jake was simply referring to Edward's ashes. I had told him, during our brief phone conversation the day before, of my plans to take them out to the meadow.

"Yes. It's done." I said flatly, trying not to convey the array of emotions I felt, from the sadness at having spread Edward's ashes to the love that filled me afterward.

I stared down at my feet, which thankfully were no longer in heels, while I waited for his reply. I had abandoned the awful heels after arriving at Angela's last night. Now I stood in some comfy sneakers. "Let's go for a walk. It's a nice day." I suddenly heard Jake suggest and I craned my neck up to stare at the tall boy next to me.

He was right. The sun was in rare form for our mostly wet and gray summer. It was exactly the type of day that would have kept a vampire indoors. "Okay." I replied, "But, I should at least tell Charlie I'm back."

Jake reached for my hand to stop me from heading into the house, "He's already gone fishing. He left a note for you on the door. It's Saturday after all. Did you really think your dad would miss out on catching some fish as soon as the sun was up?"

I shrugged. Before everything had drastically changed in my life with the death of Edward and Alice, my dad would have been on his death bed before missing his Saturdays spent fishing. I was glad to hear of this return to routine for him. Charlie feeling comfortable enough to leave before I got home meant that he had seen progress with my therapy. With the help of Jasper, my life was slowly beginning to see a return to normalcy … well, as normal as was possible for a girl who loved a vampire and had a best friend werewolf.

Jacob continued to hold my hand as we began walking along the well worn forest trail near my house. He wasn't talking and the silence hung heavy in the air around us. It didn't feel comfortable at all and I sensed that Jake was biding his time just waiting for the right moment to tell me what was going on in his head. I tried giving him time to think over whatever it was, but after enduring ten minutes of the stifling quiet I stopped dead in my tracks.

"What's really going on Jake? You didn't just want to take me out here for a leisurely stroll. I know you and I can tell there is something you want to say."

At that moment I felt my friend's hand pull away. His body was facing forward at the expanse of the trail in front of us and I was left to stare at his back. Jake refused to turn around while he spoke, "Fine, if you want honesty then why don't you tell me exactly what is going on between you and Jasper. From everything you've said before it should only be friendship, but Holy Hell, Bella, his stink is all over you and when I say that I mean ALL over you."

In an incredibly fast move, Jake spun around to glare at me and the look was almost comparable to how I had seen him a few times before … right as he was about to phase. Witnessing him this way robbed me of any ability to speak. I knew I should answer him … maybe even lie if only to take away that wolf like hatred in his eyes, but another part of me, the spit-fire Jasper had once mentioned, gnawed at my brain. It was telling me to put this jerk in his place. He had no right to give me grief over who I was with and what I did with them.

When I eventually found my inner strength it came roaring out in the form of a yell, "Why does it matter to you who I am with or if I smell like them? Is this some form of jealousy from you? Damn it, Jake! We've gone over this so many times. I'm sick of sounding like a broken record. Don't make tell you again how I feel about you. I don't want to hurt you."

And I honestly didn't want to hurt Jake. No matter what he did or said, deep down I could never truly want to cause him pain. He had already gone through so much sadness already with the majority of it being my fault. Still, he had to remember that this was my life. If I had unintentionally fallen in love with another vampire then I certainly didn't have to answer to him.

Although, as my eyes took in the image of Jake beginning to shake violently my bravado began to fade by leaps and I debated the idea of making a run for it. By the looks of things I had angered the wolf buried deep inside. It was probably my confirmation that I was being intimate with his kind's mortal enemy or maybe I had flared his jealousy even more. All I knew was that I had to create distance between the two of us before it was too late for me. I spun on my heel with a vision of my house inside my head, but did I really have a chance against the speed of a werewolf? I had to at least try. Unfortunately, Jake reached out a hand to stop me just as I readied to leap.

"Wait!" He said thorough clenched teeth, "I'm not going to phase. I'm just trying to tell you something, but Sam ordered the pack not to."

A loud groan erupted from his mouth as his eyes widened and then he fell to the earth in a heap. He laid there unmoving for a few moments and had I not been so incredibly frightened by the whole experience I may have sat by his side. But, he did move again and I sighed in relief when Jake seemed his normal self again. He still wore the face of someone who was royally pissed, but at least there was no more convulsive like shaking going on.

"Are you okay?" I asked hesitantly.

Jake nodded from his position on the ground and took a few deep breaths before slowly returning to his feet. "Bella, I know that it must seem like I'm coming across like a jealous freak, but really I'm not. You made your choice a long time ago and I accept that even if it is an incredibly stupid choice. I don't care about that, it's only ... I have to tell you that if you want Jasper to be alive or undead or whatever he is, then you have to stay away from him. You can't be with him."

This didn't sound like typical ornery Jacob saying whatever just to get his way, "Why is that?" I asked, truly curious.

Jake's face softened somewhat at my question and he escaped the distance between us, "I've been trying to tell you this for over a month now and even though I'm glad that I have finally forced myself to overpower an order from Sam, I hate that I have to do this to you. I have to though, because if Sam finds out about you and Jasper then it will be an all out war between us and his kind. Bella …"

He took both of my hands then in a kind gesture meant to soften the blow of his words, "It wasn't the newborns that killed Edward and Alice … it was Sam. He somehow got it into his head thinking he's God or something, but he figured that the only way to keep you safe was to destroy the vampires you loved most and if you don't leave Jasper alone then the same will probably happen to him."


	43. Chapter 43

**Author's Note** - Soft M material in this chapter and also I would like to thank bsmog for playing beta for me last night after my original beta passed out from drinking too much on her birthday. Of course, I'm kidding, Aly. I still love you!

* * *

I was sure that if they were capable of bleeding, my fingers would have been covered in a deep red by now. Hours had passed since I first began strumming out my emotions for Bella into a song on the guitar, and I was persistent in creating my composition almost to the point of obsession. When I had originally tried to think of something I could give Bella that would have meaning to her, I realized that nothing would please her more than to know she had inspired me to write a song. Bella was not materialistic in the least and she loved music … especially mine.

The guitar had always been an outlet for my emotions. It did not matter if what I felt verged on joy or the heart-wrenching. If that feeling was strong enough, then it could be transferred into music and beyond a shadow of a doubt the feelings I had for Bella ran deep. That emotion in itself could have provided me with enough material to fill a whole CD, but for now I worked on my one song. I wanted to have it finished by the time I saw her again.

At the thought of this, I pulled out my cell phone to check the time. I was sitting on the porch of my home, which was devoid of any time-telling device, and since coming out here to compose, I had gone through the motions of retrieving my cell maybe twenty times. Bella had asked me to give her the morning to be alone with her father while she gently broke in the idea of our new relationship to him. It went without saying that my presence would not have helped the situation. Charlie made it quite clear that he loathed me. It was not something he ever spoke aloud about, but only a fool could have missed the animosity he expressed in the way he communicated to me, whether it was a facial expression or a sentence. I had no doubt that his daughter's new boyfriend might take some getting used to.

Looking at the numbers on the cell that relayed the time, I found myself sighing. It was already past noon and no word yet from Bella. I disliked the feeling this gave me, but instead of consuming my mind with worry, I reached around my guitar and began to play again. If anything, composing her song would stop me from delving into my tendency to think the worst.

The compulsion to write Bella a song had not come to me right away. For the first few hours after the girl left me, I was chagrined to admit I had stayed outside Angela's window, intent on listening in on hers and Bella's conversation. I knew what I was doing was extremely impolite, but I felt a strong desire to know what the woman I loved said about me.

I did not doubt her love, not in the least. Bella had spoken of it earlier in the evening, but this was not what finally convinced me. Emotions were always swirling around in a constant stream, and over the years I had learned the difference between what someone said and what they felt. Bella told me she loved me, but she also felt it, especially when she expressed that feeling with her hands and mouth, finding and caressing nearly every inch of me.

Even now I felt the intense heat of sexual desire stir throughout my body as my mind recalled the sensation of her soft breast cupped in my hand. There was nervousness radiating from her while I did this, although that emotion had been surrounding her body from the start. I sensed the most severe form of that trepidation when her hands had moved to the front of my torso, slowly lowering along the plane of my stomach before halting at the edge of my pants. She hesitated there for a moment and once I realized her intentions, I gently moved her fingers to fit around my back. No other human or vampire had ever been with her in such an intimate way, and I knew that the girl was not ready. Our time in the meadow had been an awakening filled with frenzied emotions, but afterward as I discovered her body in a much more slow and measured pace, I felt her nervousness fill me and I knew that I had no choice, but keep myself from going too far too soon. She was a virgin and I would respect that.

Unfortunately, our moment had been shattered by the sound of a soft tap on glass. The idea that I could have been so consumed with my passion to not have heard the approaching footsteps of Angela or the rumble of a car engine was confounding. Being with Bella simply made the rest of the world crumble away from my senses. The girl filled up every fiber in my being. She was my all.

So, even though I knew Bella loved me, this did not keep my curiosity about wanting to know how she spoke about me to her friends, placated. Strange and unfamiliar emotions took hold of me and I wondered if this was perhaps what a teenage boy might do after his first date? It certainly should have been beyond someone of my age to eaves drop, but I was unable to be the better man and walk away. I wanted to know.

Sadly, Bella revealed nothing to Angela and eventually I gave up. It was possible that she was far too embarrassed to say anything. We both certainly had felt that way after Angela spied us in such a compromising situation. Yet, if she was planning on telling Charlie about the two of us, then I supposed that the rest of our inner circle couldn't be too far behind. Angela knew and soon Bella's father would as well. I eventually gave up on spying and returned home, only to debate if I too should tell my family. In the end I decided that Bella would be my guide. When she was ready then together we could reveal the truth about us.

The progression of chords continued to fill my head for the remainder of the afternoon as the hot sun bore down on my skin causing the hidden diamonds within to flicker about. All the while, I occasionally stole a moment to stare at my cell and stress over the idea that Bella might not be calling, because she was in some sort of trouble. Quickly, I would remind myself to stop being so concerned about this, because deep down I knew it was only a reflection of what my mind had become since losing Alice. It was forever altered. Experiencing the horrible grief of Alice's death created a resolve in me to never again be in a situation where those range of awful emotions could return. My mission was to keep Bella out of harm's way. I had promised myself this, and briefly thought of Alice's vision that I would one day save the girl's life. It was a revelation I planned to see to fruition.

"Jasper."

I had heard the approaching footsteps behind me and could tell by the rhythm in which they moved against the floor that Rosalie was near. I assumed my sister was simply coming outside and using the front entrance as a means to reach that place. Even though I was pleased that Rosalie had been so welcoming to Bella the night before, I still hadn't fully forgiven her for the torment she placed upon the girl after Edward died. So, when I heard her say my name a nervous shock brought my guitar playing to an end.

_What does she want?_

I did not say anything in return, but turned my face briefly to look at her. My eyebrows were raised indicating I was waiting for whatever it was she had to say and then I gazed back down at my guitar. I had made a seat for myself on the stairs leading down to the ground and I shifted my body to make room for Rosalie when she came to stand next to me. We sat side by side in a state of awkward silence for a few endless moments and I tried to gauge her emotions to see the truth behind what she would eventually say. There was only the same guilt I always sensed from her ever since I viciously called her out for hurting Bella.

The quiet finally ended when Rosalie spoke two words that I never would have imagined capable of leaving her lips, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I retorted back, unable to hide the irritation I could not quite shake whenever she was near.

Rosalie pulled in a chest-full of air and expelled it in a rush of breath that smelled of her sweet perfume. "I know it's not always easy living with me. Half the time I don't even know why any of you still bother with me, but I didn't come out here to try and convince you that I am better than what you think. The truth is … I'm not. I am a horrible person that hurts people when I myself am hurting. I hurt Bella and it was wrong, but I also hurt you, and Jasper, after everything we have been through it was a horrible mistake to take out my own suffering on the both of you. I realize now that I could have almost destroyed the little bit of our family that is left and I want you to know that I do consider Bella my family. So, whatever it is you two have with each other … well, I hope you know that I don't think wrongly of it. I'm happy that you have her."

I was not sure exactly how to respond to Rosalie's words. I was so taken aback by the fact she had not only apologized, but basically given an elegant speech of repentance that I was rendered speechless. It also hadn't slipped my awareness that my sister knew about my relationship with Bella or at the very least hinted that she sensed something between us had happened. One less person to tell, I mused.

"Jasper?" Rosalie said in a fragile tone when I did not respond.

She was beginning to feel humiliated that I would not accept her apology and I hastened to lessen that emotion for her, "Thank you Rosalie, for telling me that. It means a great deal to hear and I'm sure Bella will appreciate it when I tell her."

"Please, tell her. I'm too ashamed to say these words again. Will you be seeing her soon?" Rosalie looked at me, her eyes conveying that she wished for me to be the messenger of her apology.

"Actually, I should be leaving right now." I replied while standing to my feet.

I knew Bella had not called yet, but I decided enough time had been spent waiting. My song for her was complete, and after a quick trip into the woods to hunt I would pay her a visit. Rosalie stood as well and then unexpectedly grasped me in a quick hug. Then she was gone back into the house, her embarrassment leaving a trail of emotion in her wake. I shook my head. Things had certainly taken a turn for the unusual these past two days. First Bella and I reveal our love for each other now Rosalie was asking forgiveness. I chuckled softly to myself.

Without stopping to think further about the oddity of Rosalie's behavior, I ran down the steps and off into the woods where my instincts took me through the motions I had perfected after more than a century of being a vampire. Once my thirst was satisfied, I headed in the direction of Carlisle's Mercedes. I probably should have returned to it after leaving Bella behind, but I also knew that my father would not be working today since the forecast had called for the sun to radiate down upon our vampire iridescent skin. It was hardly possible to move about discreetly during the day when your body did such abnormal things as sparkle.

When I arrived at Bella's I was glad to see Charlie's cruiser was gone. This meant I would be able to walk inside the house without being noticed as anything other than a normal visitor. Although, when I stepped outside the vehicle I instantly became concerned when I was swarmed by a strong scent. It was the smell of someone who should have been my enemy and I could not force down the instinctive growl that rumbled deep in my throat. Even though I knew Jacob Black was helping us and going against everything he had ever been taught as a shape-shifter, there was still that soldier in me keeping me leery of my enemy. It did not matter if he was on our team now, because even though Bella described Jacob's desire to help us as truthful, I could never fully accept him as my comrade. Now his smell was surrounding the girl's home and it unsettled me. Hastily, I rushed headlong through the front door crying out Bella's name.

I did not have to search long before her emotions, which were as common to me now as my own, brought me only a few steps away from the entrance. Bella's face had been buried deep into some pillows on the couch where she was sprawled out. At the sound of my voice she jerked her head up in surprise and as I took in the sadness she emoted and also the image of her face a grimace shaped itself on my lips.

"Oh, God, Bella … what happened?! What did Jacob do to you?!" I exclaimed, instantly rushing to her side and pulling her body into a sitting position, so that I could wrap my arms around her.

She looked awful, like an image of what I remembered seeing of her in the first few days after Edward and Alice had died. Her eyes were bloodshot and the skin surrounding that area of her face was shaded with the same color, but in a more splotchy manner. Both of these indicated to me that Bella had been crying for some time, but why? What had happened since we parted ways last night? The only clue I had to go on was the smell of her werewolf friend. Whatever had caused this emotional shift for her, I knew Jacob Black held the key.

Bella did not say anything in response to my passionate plea for answers. The sounds of her muffled sobs as she cried into my chest were the only reply I received and the feeling was dreadful. Not only did I experience the sadness she felt, but seeing her in tears and not knowing the reason behind them made the scene all the more agonizing. There was something to be said about witnessing a human girl cry. I was not at all familiar with the situation, only ever having seen tears stream down the faces of those I hunted in the past. Crying and fear were synonymous for me. Now that I was in love with someone who was capable of producing not only tears, but also the horribly disheveled look weeping caused, I found the sensation difficult to experience. Seeing Bella cry made me die a little inside.

"Bella, please tell me what's wrong. I simply cannot stand to see you like this." I was kissing the top of her head trying my hardest to find calm within me, so that I might push that emotion onto her, yet I was struggling with my own disquiet at seeing Bella this way

It was an awful catch-22.

The girl pulled in a ragged breath and shifted away from me. Using the backs of her hands to wipe away the remaining tears, Bella looked up into my eyes. The sadness inside of her was plain to see, but she tried to stifle it when she finally spoke, "Jacob only stopped by to see how I was. He didn't … he didn't do anything. It's just this whole situation with the pack. I can't help, but sense that something bad is going to happen."

I shook my head emphatically, "Nothing is going to happen. Do you hear me?" I placed a hand on either side of her face and brought hers closer to mine, "I will keep you safe."

"But, what about you? What if I lose someone I love again? You can protect me, but who will look after you?" She interrupted, her voice breaking near the end.

I took a deep breath. "I wish … I wish there was a way for me to make you understand that I will do everything in my power to prevent that."

I cannot say what it was that made me take that one motion forward to seal my promise with a kiss, but this action would become the precipice from which I would jump leading away from all my hesitations concerning Bella. Maybe it was my willingness to do anything to take away her sadness and to recreate the love we had expressed the night before, but whatever the reason, I was crossing over. Although, it was not until we reached her room and lay in a tangle of limbs upon her bed that I remembered one detail that might hinder me from making love to Bella.

"We can't do this," I muttered as my hand felt the swell of her breast beneath her t-shirt. "What about Charlie?"

Bella's face moved in a back and forth motion underneath me causing her lips to graze across my neck and a sigh of pleasure caught in my throat, "He'll be gone until tonight. There was a note left on the door telling me not to make dinner for him."

I had no more reason to fight the little voice of caution inside my head. My need for Bella was too strong and my desire to see her happy again overwhelmed any other apprehension that may have seeped into me. I was going to give my all to her and now that I knew we would have a few uninterrupted hours alone I saw my pathway as clear. I only hoped that I would be able to handle our situation with as much tenderness as a human girl required. It seemed like a double edged sword. Not only was I going to make love with someone far more fragile than me, but she was also a virgin. There was no way for me to fully understand what I might cause her body to feel, especially the physical pain that may occur for Bella.

"Bella, you have to tell me if I'm hurting you. I will open myself up fully to your emotions, but that will only reveal so much. It's imperative that we approach this cautiously and you guide me with your words."

She nodded in agreement and I reached down to kiss her cheek, "I love you." I breathed against her soft skin.

Bella turned her head to where I could feel the warmth of her slightly parted mouth against my own, "Me too." She sighed and then our lips met as our bodies began to move in a slow rhythm against each other.


	44. Chapter 44

**Author's Note** - Again, I must give a big thank you to Aly, Britt and Val. You three are so supportive of this story and I would have never had the courage to write this chapter if not for you.

**Warning** - Soft M Material ahead

* * *

How had things gone so awry?

My intentions never were meant to bring me here, on this bed, about to have sex for the first time. In fact, if I had carried out the plan I first grappled with and agonized over before ultimately deciding to follow through with it, neither Jasper nor I would be in this situation. I should have called him. I should have broken up with him over the phone. There was no way I would ever be able to break his heart and subsequently mine in the process if we continued on this path leading to the next step in our relationship. If I had sex with Jasper then my courage to hurt him in order to save his life would dissipate from me. Already his cold lips were gently caressing the skin of my lower abdomen and slowly leading downward to an area of my body that had never before been touched by anyone else.

Oh, God it felt so good. My need for him pulsated throughout me in ways I had never experienced before … in parts of me that had never been awake before Jasper. As he neared the edge of my jeans his mouth moved away and I had to fight the urge to push his face back down. No, I needed to stop this. I had to find it in me to be strong enough to end it now … before … before … but, I couldn't find the ability to think of anything. My mind was blank having been quieted by the sexual energy I felt bleeding into me from the vampire delicately positioned above me, his amber eyes burning passion into mine.

"I'm going to unbutton your pants. Is that alright?" The voice he used sounded so serious like he was asking me to marry him or something.

I had to fight the urge to giggle, because it was so endearing to hear him ask permission. This was a far cry from our two previous encounters involving foreplay. If my memory served me correctly there had been no spoken consent given by me then. Our need for each other had done the talking for us, but now Jasper was in control. He was trying his hardest to make this right for me and I found myself letting go completely. I knew there was something that had made me want to stop this from happening, but it was so far removed from me now. Jasper left his emotions unguarded and I experienced the full effect of both his love and desire. Those two emotions entering me, combining with my own similar feelings for Jasper, caused me to tell him "Yes."

Yes, I was ready for this. There was no hesitation anymore. I, Bella Swan, was going to make love for the first time to someone I cared deeply for and I could find absolutely nothing wrong with that.

He was still looking into my eyes as I felt the fingers of his right hand trail slowly down to the button of my jeans. His other hand was cupped against my cheek with his elbow leaning against the bed for support. Jasper was trying his hardest to not put the full force of his body against mine and therefore he hovered a bit above me. My breathing intensified when I heard the sound of my zipper being lowered realizing what eventually would come next … a cold hand reaching underneath my panties. The sensation was incredible, certainly nothing I had ever experienced before and Jasper knew exactly where to go and what to do in order to bring about intense pleasure for me. I moaned and sighed, to which he responded with that full on smile of his … a thing that in and of itself could give me joy, albeit not in quite the same way.

My bliss seemed to give Jasper his own happiness and the whole time he focused solely on my needs I could sense his love for me. It added to my experience, pushing me further into a state of full on orgasm. That was something I had not been expecting, having never known the signs that preceded it. I was only aware that the momentum kept increasing in strength until I reached a point where the building stopped and I plunged over the threshold into something I could only equate with an addict getting their fix.

I was embarrassed by my lack of composure during that moment when intense sexual pleasure took hold of me. The sound I emitted certainly wasn't anything I had ever heard from myself before and God was it loud. My panting and moaning had steadily become more vocalized as Jasper used his fingers on me and it paved the way for an all out yell that eventually signaled I had reached the edge. My eyes were closed during the throws of ecstasy and when I came back down enough from that feeling with my body still buzzing, I looked to Jasper. He was smiling and I assumed that the vampire had used his abilities to ride along with me during my instant of sheer joy.

"Was that as good for you as it was for me?" I found myself joking and my heart thudded at the sound of the laugh he responded with.

"Well, emotionally experiencing your peak is not the same as being involved physically. The two are completely different yet both are enjoyable, so to answer your question … Yes."

His lips pulled over his teeth in a breathtaking beam and I suddenly felt guilty for not being able to reciprocate at all during his attention to my body. I had been so preoccupied with the newness of the feelings he produced in me that I had basically become incapacitated with pleasure. Jasper had done all the work while I laid back and enjoyed. It hardly seemed fair. Slowly I pulled myself up into a sitting position and my boyfriend moved to sit beside me.

"What is it?" He asked, because of course he knew what I was feeling.

I sent him a shy grin, before turning my head away to stare at my unbuttoned pants, "I want to do what you just did for me. I want to make you feel that, but physically. I … I don't know how though." My mouth kept stumbling through my words as embarrassment took over the few remaining shards of joy still humming in my body.

He reached with his hand to turn my face toward his. Then Jasper tried to calm the gamut of emotions rushing around inside me by pressing his lips against mine. "Don't worry about that now. We have time and trust me … most of this is instinctive." He assured me when our lips separated.

I gulped, hoping that his words would be as true for a human as they were for a vampire. Sex may have been natural for him, but we weren't made of the same stuff. Would it be so easy for me?

"Do you mind if I take your shirt off?" Jasper asked while he kissed my neck.

Again he was all seriousness and I decided to try and add humor to our situation. It was what I usually did to get myself through awkward situations… add a laugh to shake off my nerves. "I think it's only fair if you do the same. We're not just objectifying women in this room."

"So, you wish to ogle at my nakedness." Jasper smiled and in an instant his shirt was laying on the floor next to the sea of my clothing already littering it.

I couldn't help the gasp that left my mouth as I stared at how beautiful he was underneath his clothes. It was a sight to behold, but even through this perfection my eyes focused in on the multitude of scars covering his arms and chest. I had seen them once before when his newborn past had been explained. They were physical reminders of all he had endured during his time with Maria. The half-moon shaped indentations seemed to glow on his skin as I stared and estimated just how many there actually were. I remembered the ones on his arms, because that was all he had shown me before. Now I stared at the expanse of his chest and sympathy filled me at the realization that there were so many. These were all vampire bites that would never go away … a constant reminder of his horrible past.

"Why the shift in your mood?" He asked suddenly, although I had an inkling he was aware of what had caused my sudden change from arousal to sympathy.

"Your scars … there's so many and it just seems …sad." I finally said.

"I can put my shirt back on if you'd like." Jasper's voice sounded dejected.

"No, no." I reached out to halt his hands from pulling his shirt up off the floor, "It's okay. Only seeing them all … I can't help, but feel sorry for what happened to you."

"Please, Bella don't think of it that way. What was my past is simply that. I cannot go back, so you shouldn't either." He said, his words coming out calm and collected.

I nodded, trying to block out the image of his violent past that the scars had created in my head. I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes. Slowly I inhaled and then let the air come rushing out. When I reopened them again there was only Jasper. His scars were present, but they no longer said anything to me. It was his body - that clandestine part of him which was always hidden behind clothing before, speaking to me now. What it said was very easy to understand and I began pulling my shirt over my head ready to reveal my own body to him. I was glad that when he saw me sitting there in my black bra and partially lowered jeans that his reaction mirrored my own after I first laid eyes on his gorgeous naked upper-half. He gasped and even though I was pleased at his response, I couldn't fight the blush of embarrassment from showing on my face.

"You're beautiful." He sighed, lowering his lips to kiss the base of my neck.

He pulled me into a position where my legs were on either side of his and he commenced kissing my neck in such a way that I heard a moan escape my mouth. Then in a quick movement I felt the chill of his fingers against my back before the sound of a clasp unhooking could be heard and my bra fell forward. Jasper removed it all the way and proceeded to slowly lower me into a reclined position on the bed. He spent a good amount of time with his hands moving all along my breasts while he continued to kiss me, but eventually his fingers found their way back down to my jeans, which were still slightly lowered from before.

"This will hurt, Bella. I'm sure of it. If at anytime you need me to stop then just say so." He tried to keep his voice calm, but I could hear it trembling with desire just beneath the surface.

"It's okay. I want to do this." I tried to sound reassuring, but somehow felt that I had failed, because Jasper paused to stare discerningly into my eyes.

"Ready?" He asked.

I nodded and before I was able to comprehend what he was doing both Jasper and I lay completely bare for the other to feel and see. My vampire had used his speed not only to undress himself, but me as well. He was no longer hovering above me, but pulled in tightly between my legs and I expressed my surprise when I felt him against my thigh.

"Ohh." I breathed.

_This was certainly new._

My brief encounter with this part of him in the meadow had been so rushed along that I never fully had the opportunity to appreciate all that made Jasper a man and not just a vampire. After today there was no doubt in my mind that he would be just as capable as a human in the area of love making … _believe me_.

When we eventually came together the experience was not exactly what I had hoped for. I will not lie and say it wasn't painful, because it was. We both knew it would not be easy and when my reaction kept me frozen, because of the sharp sting between my legs, Jasper held me. He spoke reassuring words of love while moving slowly inside me and at length the pain lessened until I was able to open my body up to him fully.

We moved together in a rhythm that began as slow, but eventually quickened and I could hear the moans of Jasper above me with each movement he made. Likewise my own reaction after the initial pain wore away was much of the same. We cried and sighed together until I could feel the same edge from before closing in on me. Jasper's own moment of bliss was not far off. I knew this, because he let me feel it. Not only was I able to revel in my own pleasure, but his as well. My partner opened up his emotional field of energy for me to experience and when I heard him call out my name during his release I felt myself crying out too, although it was not my own pleasure that caused me to do this. It was all Jasper's.

We continued this way for awhile longer with Jasper bringing me to that point of ecstasy a few more times.

_Apparently vampires have great stamina_.

Eventually though, it was me who felt the need to bring us both back down to earth when I panted, "I need to catch my breath, Jasper."

He looked confused at first, still lost in it all, but then I saw his face turn into a smirk that almost looked guilty, "Uh … sorry." He mumbled and then rolled over so that we were laying side by side.

"How do you feel?" He said, after a few moments spent where he let my breathing become less pronounced, "Are you in any pain?"

The answer was yes. I could already feel the soreness spreading from it origins to the rest of my body. I was not really a girl for exercise and tomorrow I would pay for all my excess use of muscle. Yet, the need to not worry Jasper over my condition caused me to lie to him. If anything, I did not want him to take the blame for causing my aches. "A little raw, but I'll live." I answered even though I knew he would probably guess my words to be a lie.

But, he didn't question me and I was thankful. The last thing I wanted was for him to sulk. I had just experienced the greatest event of my life so far, and I wanted the one I loved to be able to appreciate that moment with me.

"Well, I know what might soothe your body, some musical therapy?" He smiled.

I felt my mouth drop in shock. Was he kidding? I could barley move my legs to walk let alone hold a guitar and play, but when he saw the exasperated look on my face he hastened to put my mind at ease, "I meant _I_ would play a song. It's what I accomplished last night and this morning … a composition you inspired."

"Will you be playing in the nude, because I find that very sexy." I laughed while raising my eyebrows to leer at Jasper.

He returned with a chuckle of his own before slowly moving off the bed to retrieve his clothes, "Maybe some other time. I left the guitar in the Mercedes and if your neighbors happen to catch a glance of me streaking outside … well, I'm not sure Charlie would be too happy to hear about that."

"Yeah, I suppose so." I replied, watching him cover his body, hiding away the beauty I had experienced first hand only minutes before.

"But, you could always listen to me play looking the same way you do now. It might inspire me some more." He was smiling, but then moved his lips to form over mine.

"I love you, Bella." Jasper spoke into our kiss.

"I love you, too."

He ran from the room in rush and I anticipated his return wanting to know exactly what a song inspired by me would sound like. It really was surreal to think that I was capable of filling Jasper with such feelings that he had the need to transpose them into song. From what he had told me, the ability to write music only came to him in moments of great emotion. It was really odd to think that someone like me could be Jasper's muse, but at the same time I felt warmed by the idea.

I stared up at the ceiling above me with my back against the mattress and contemplated all that had just occurred between the two of us. His love was true and I would never question it. It was not just the sex that convinced me, but everything in the month and week since we first came to truly know each other. He loved me and I loved him. I wrapped this feeling of affection around me and felt myself becoming reassured that there was no reason for us to break up under whatever false pretense I had created to save his life. We could make this work. I would gather my courage and tell Jasper about Sam and what he had done. I could do this.

Although, while I mentally instructed myself on how exactly to tell Jasper things that would bring about pain and anger for him, I heard my phone ring in the pocket of my jeans. Instinctively I sprang to my feet in search of the pants that an amorous Jasper had tossed somewhere in my room. It might be Charlie telling me he was coming home early and if this was the case then I most definitely wanted to answer. I followed the ring until it grew louder and then eventually found my pants. Pulling out the phone without even bothering to glance at the caller ID I pushed the speak button and said, "Hello."

The voice on the other end was not my dad. "Uh hey, Bella, I was wondering if you had broken up with Jasper yet. Did you need me to come over for support?"

I froze and didn't say a word in response to Jake. The courage I had worked so hard to recover began to recede behind the darkness of the truth. My werewolf friend and I had already discussed all the pros and cons of every decision that was possible and the outcome had always led back to me leaving Jasper. Hearing Jacob's voice was like a bell of clarity reminding me that no matter what happened it would never end well for Jasper and I. Breaking up was the only option that left a wide berth between him and death.

The urge to drop kick the phone across the room until it shattered into broken pieces filled my veins, but I stayed on the line trying to will myself to reply.

"Bells?"

I drew in a defeated breath that sounded more like a shudder, "Call me back later okay? I'm getting to it. I just need more time."

"Well with each second you drag your feet, Bella the closer Sam comes to finding out. You already told me that's not what you want." Jacob's voice was stern, but kind at the same time.

My friend knew how hard this was for me and he was right. Breaking Jasper's heart was going to be the most difficult task of my life.


	45. Chapter 45

Three months had passed since she left me and as a result life had become a constant suspended state, never moving in one direction or the other … simply being and not living. I was already dead. I had been for some time. My body no longer operated as a result of a heartbeat that caused blood to flow to and from my organs. Instead it was the venom coursing through my veins that kept me moving along.

The stunted life that pulled me under now was the lack of what I considered to be the very core of me. My emotions. Since Bella's departure, I no longer had the ability to feel. I was nothing, but a shell of my former self. It had always been my ability to experience emotions and then project my own feelings onto others that had filled my endless days since becoming a vampire. Love, hate, sadness and all the others pulled me along. They led me and now that this part of me had been shattered beyond repair, I was only able to know apathy. Consequently this kept me alone, locked away with Bella's final words echoing inside my head.

_I don't want to become a vampire and there is no way for me to be with you if I do not want that life._

There had been shock inside me at first and then anger. These were not emotions directed at Bella, but myself instead for not seeing the truth when it had been there all along. I had been so blind in my desire to be with her that even I was able to ignore the reality of our situation. Although, I had wavered a bit in my longing for the girl, even going so far as to tell Bella I could promise her nothing for the future, but she had smoothed over my concern with her words of love. It seemed that in the harsh glare of daylight and the afterglow of our lovemaking the truth had shown itself quickly. That's why she had been crying when I came into her house. Bella's love for me was warring against the mater of fact truth of our relationship … we were two different beings and she had already endured the trials of this mismatched pairing with Edward. Of course, she would want to move on from that after everything that had happened. The travesties that occurred while she was with my brother were too numerable to list. This time love could not conquer all.

I was frustrated that I was not able to pick up on her internal struggle before I brought her into the room and we made love. I could only detect her sadness, but if I had searched deeper I would have sensed the reason behind this emotion. Bella was upset that she was going to tear us apart. We loved each other, but it could never move beyond that. Things between us had progressed from serving as a cure for our mutual unbearable sadness into something far deeper. How could we have known that our new found friendship would develop into a situation that would eventually harm us both even more?

The anger I felt after hearing her words caused me to leave Bella behind. I did not fight her decision or try to convince her that there was a way for us to be together. It was useless, because she was right and my only goal after knowing what she wanted was to depart before the fury boiling inside me exploded. I feared my emotions might expose the worst that a vampire like me could offer. As I ran my direction had no meaning. I simply wanted to escape and let my self hatred take shape in some other place … away from her. I did not stop moving until I found myself deep inside a wooded area. I had no idea where I was only that I had gone north, probably into the wilderness of Canada. I stayed there for three days and nights, letting my emotions execute a demolition to the vastness of trees surrounding me.

When my rage ran its course, I returned home only to find Bella had left. She was now in Jacksonville with her mother. I knew this, because Charlie had told me. I had come back wanting to find a way of saying goodbye to the girl properly. We couldn't be together, but I had to at least see her one last time and let her know I understood. Although, my main purpose was more self serving than a desire to ease any internal struggle Bella might be having about her decision to end us. I just had to see her. That was all and sadly I would never get that chance.

I had not realized this at first when I came to her window my first night back in Forks and looked inside to see the room uncharacteristically clean. It was late and I peered in to see if her sleeping form was positioned underneath the purple quilt my eyes had stared at so many nights while watching her sleep. The surface of her bed was flat, the quilt hiding nothing, but a mattress underneath. Her truck was outside, but she was not inside her room. It took Charlie telling me the next morning for the pieces to finally fit together in my already troubled mind. Her father's face was blank as he spoke those damned words and it was then as I tried to reach in to sense his emotions that I noticed his emotional aura was silent. Yet, I could not find it in me to worry. She was gone and as Charlie handed me an envelope with a note from Bella inside along with my guitar which in my haste to leave had been left behind, there still was nothing to be felt.

I was only able to read her letter once and then tucked it away inside the room I had shared with Alice. My guitar was placed there alongside it. I had no need for the instrument anymore. I knew the song I had played for Bella before she broke down in tears and told me she could no longer be with me was my last venture in song writing. Apathy afforded no musical inspiration.

_I will always love you, Jasper. I'm sorry things had to turn out this way. Bella._

I took comfort in those words from Bella's note. Now and then as the memory of her handwriting scrawled across the notebook paper came to me, I felt the faint flicker of something other than the indifference plaguing me now. She loved me and always would. I could take a small amount of reassurance from that, because I felt the same. I would always love her just as I had Alice . Nothing would ever change that.

"Jasper?"

I heard the soft footsteps of Esme approaching before she even spoke my name, but I felt no need to react. She would come in regardless. This was a recurring pattern between us. My mother took it upon herself to visit me at least three times daily inside the vacant room that was now home to me as well as Alice's urn. I tried not to think of where the other urn that used to occupy the space next to Alice's was now. It brought back images of Bella and I simply could not go there.

I heard Esme shuffle her feet as she waited for my reply outside the door leading into my own personal exile. I knew why she was here. She was going to make a plea to take me hunting. It had been three days since our last trip outside and since I usually did comply with her wishes to ease her troubled mind I would probably do the same today. I was not able to sense her emotions anymore, but I could see it written plainly across her face every time I saw her. Esme was in pain, because of the broken unfeeling creature I had become. I was sure that this stranger she saw now was far worse than what I had been after Alice was killed. At least back then I felt my emotions strongly enough to react, but mostly my disposition had been a result of Bella's presence in my life. Now I could barely muster the strength for any kind of reaction at all.

I did not respond to Esme and like she always did my kindhearted mother pulled open the large red door and stepped inside. I briefly turned to see that her face was pained again. I couldn't help, but look away as she came and sat next to me in the corner I always found myself in now. I may have been emotionally dead myself, but that did not mean I was comfortable with what my dejected state did to others ... especially Esme who had always been my biggest supporter involving Bella.

"Jasper, you have a visitor." Her words came out measured as if she was afraid I might for the first time in three months react to something.

I slowly turned my face away from the blank wall my eyes had been taking in to stare her in the eyes, "Who would want to visit me?" I mumbled.

In the following second before she replied, I raked my brain for any person - vampire or human - that might have felt the need to call on me. There were always my old friends Charlotte and Peter who I had remained close with until their lifestyle of killing humans for sustenance turned me away. Then there was the idea that perhaps Maria had found me after all these years, but that absurd thought quickly left my head before I even had time to analyze it. The truth was that I had pursued no relationships with anyone after finding Alice. Anyone I knew already lived with me and had no need to visit … everyone except Bella.

_Bella?_

The first emotions I had felt in months began to trickle into my system and then presented themselves upon my face in the form of the wide eyes of surprise and anticipation. Esme saw my reaction and sadly shook her head in response, "I'm sorry, Jasper, but it's not Bella … although, it is someone connected with her. I realize it might be difficult right now, but he wanted to talk with you and only you."

_He?_

"Charlie?" I shook my head at the idea, the man hated me.

It was then as Esme moved her lips to speak that my vampire senses, which seemed to have dulled from lack of use, began to feel sharper and my head jerked at the sudden smell that filled my nose, permeating everything around me. It was awful and Esme's hesitation with me immediately made sense. Someone connected with Bella who had the ability to create such a vile scent.

"Jacob Black is here?" The tone of my voice followed by a sharp hiss was strong enough to cause Esme to pull back.

I wasn't sure why there was a rapid anger filling me for the first time in so many months. All I knew was that the wolf had been with Bella before she broke up with me. His smell was all around her house that day and although, the girl had claimed Jacob was only checking up on her I knew there was something more to it. Still I had not felt the need to pursue any answers from him. Bella wanted us to be over. It was her choice. I would have gone along with my life without any lingering thoughts about him, except now he was here … it almost felt like a slap in the face.

"It's alright, Jasper," Esme tried calming me by placing a comforting hand against my cheek. "He wants to talk to you about Bella. Perhaps this is a good sign."

Leave it to Esme to see the bright side of any situation. She knew little about my parting of ways with Bella and this was the case with the rest of my family. They were not clued into the actual details and therefore my mother could not have known that any news would be of no consequence to me. The brief part of my immortality that Bella had found a place in was now over and there was no going back. I could only find it in me to mumble something unintelligible as I rose to my feet.

"Where is he?" I finally asked, shuddering from the odor that continued to overpower my sense of smell.

"He was waiting downstairs, but his scent made Emmett uncomfortable, so I do believe he is out on the front porch now." Esme said as she took my hand and led me down the stairs, "Please, be kind to him, Jasper. I have a good feeling about him being here." She added when we reached the front entrance.

"For you I will, Esme." I promised and then left her behind as I walked through the door that led to the outside and also Jacob Black.

He was standing away from the entrance with his back to me and his hands against the porch railing for support. Even though it was well into October the boy was without a shirt and the sight of this caused me to chuckle. Even vampires, creatures who had no need for clothing during the colder seasons, managed to cover themselves up, but Jacob and his wolf pack almost seemed repulsed by shirts. They were always wandering around topless and I found it a bit irritating.

It was then as I heard the cynical laugh rumble in my chest I noted that my ability to feel was slowly coming back after the long months it had spent dormant. Not only was I able to experience anger like I had moments before in the room, but even the less intense feelings of amusement returned. I could only assume this occurred, because there had been mention of Bella. She and whatever the dog had to say about her had set off a chain reaction in me.

Jacob acknowledged the slight noise my laughter made and tilted his head to glance over his shoulder before focusing back on the landscape beyond the house. I stayed in my position a few feet behind him and waited for him to speak. There was a lengthy period of time where neither of us spoke and I was able to vaguely feel the tension seeping from him. Whatever Jacob wanted to say was something he struggled with.

"Look," He finally spat out, his eyes still refusing to meet mine, "I don't like that I have to come here for your help. If you ask me Bella should have been better off when she left." He paused to collect his irritation before continuing on in a much calmer voice, "But, she's not. I should know. We talk almost every day and it's always the same. She can't get over you and the truth is I was the one to convince her it was better off for everyone if she left. She didn't want to break up with you and I think maybe you need to go see her and figure out what to do about her situation."

_The audacity!_

Something like fire caught in my throat and even though I tried to quell the sensation with what was left of my will power, that part of me had been significantly weakened from lack of use and my effort was futile. The blaze exploded from my mouth in the form of a scream of hate directed at Jacob. Then before I could even fail at reigning in my desire to pull the bastards head off, two strong arms ensnared me in their grasp. It was only while I struggled against the restraints that I realized the arms belonged to Emmett and that my whole family had joined me outside.

"It's probably best that you leave." I heard Carlisle tell Jacob.

He snorted. "Just tell The Incredible Hulk here that Bella is back in Washington. She's been back since September and is living on campus at Seattle University. That's all I wanted to say." Jacob's voice was snarky as he ran away.

"Why!" I cried out to him.

The boy stopped in his tracks and tuned to face me slowly, "I can't answer that. Literally I can't. Bella can, though."

Then at that moment, while I watched him run away again, I tried with my all to read the emotions that Jacob left in his wake. What was his reason? He had mentioned Bella's deteriorating state as the cause prompting him to come here to seek my assistance, but I had to be sure that this was not another malicious ploy of his. He had already admitted to being the hand that forced Bella to leave me and this made me distrust his intentions even more. Yet, as I pulled in his emotional field I could find no deceit. He was telling the truth.

"Let me go!" I growled at Emmett, trying with my strength to remove his forceful grip from me.

"Not a chance." My brother replied with the same vigorous tone I used.

"It's alright." Carlisle said calmly, "Jacob is gone. Let Jasper go, Emmett."

At my father's behest, Emmett released the steel like chains of his surrounding arms and once I was free of them I found myself running towards the garage. My only intent was to find the motorcycle Edward had given me not so long ago. He had bought it for Bella and when she declined the gift it had become mine. I realized that if I was going to visit Bella then I had to be as inconspicuous as possible. I could not have her seeing Alice's bright yellow Porsche and being scared away by its presence. No, I would witness Bella from afar to see if Jacob spoke the truth. Did she truly want to be with me after all? Was this all a strategy concocted by Jacob and fed to Bella until she had no choice on the matter, but to leave me? My dead heart reacted to the possibility with a sudden burst of joy.

_No._

I would not allow myself to be drawn into believing false hope. I merely wanted to observe Bella and nothing more. If Jacob's words were truthful then I would proceed from there, but for now it was just too impossible for me to leave this new revelation un-investigated.

I found the bike and quickly straddled it in an effort to leave, but just as I was positioning my feet to hit the right peddles in order to push the machine into action I head the soft voice of Esme at my side.

"Where are you going?" She spoke in the high squeak I had become accustomed to hearing whenever she was on the verge of crying her tears that would never come to form.

"I have to see if what the wolf says is true." I replied.

I steadied the bike and then moved away from it to grasp my mother in a fierce embrace.

"I will return, I promise." I whispered.

I felt her head nod bellow my chin as she pulled her arms in tighter around me, "Just remember Alice's vision. I think what happened just now might be the path leading you to fulfill what she saw."

My breath caught in my throat while I listened to her speak. This notion had of course already been suggested by my subconscious. It was possible that Bella's life could still be in my hands and the gravity of such an idea filled me with anxiety.

"Goodbye, Esme." I murmured into her cheek as I brought my head down to grace the skin of her face with a kiss.

"Goodbye." She mouthed back at me.

Then with the same haste I had used before, I placed myself on the motorcycle and sped off with my only destination being Seattle and Bella.


	46. Chapter 46

I stared into the portable vanity mirror atop the tiny desk Angela and I both shared. The person looking back at me was no longer a stranger as she had been when I first left Jasper behind. I was now used to seeing this shadow of my former self. The person Jasper had brought back from the brink ceased to be the day I broke up with him.

At first the monster I saw with her pale skin and dark under-eyes was an image that created fear in my heart. Would I always look like this? Did ripping my heart from my body for selfless reasons cancel out any future where I would be able to find joy in life? I had known the answer back then just as clearly as I did now. No, that Bella was gone. There was no hope in me for her return either. As long as Jasper was not with me then this was the way it would be. Over time the horrible creature that was reflected in the mirror might take on a less severe form, but the damage had been done. I was forever changed.

It had been such a struggle to finally go through with what I believed to be the best choice for Jasper. It had been the reasoning voice of Jacob on the phone that reminded me exactly why I wanted to do what I eventually did. There was no way for me topredicthis reaction if I had brought the story of Sam's duplicity to Jasper's attention. At the time none of it mattered, because I would not have taken the chance that his life might end. Had he become enraged and ran off to fight the murderer of Alice or even if the rest of his family had backed the inevitable battle between vampire and werewolf, I still could not have let that possibility take shape.

I wasn't able to see it clearly then, but in the weeks and months afterward when most of my time was spent reflecting on my decision, I came to the slow realization that I was acting much like Edward. His use of deception, convincing me that he no longer wanted me in order to protect my life, was nearly the same as what I had done to Jasper. Although, unlike Edward I hadn't been able to lie and tell Jasper I didn't love him. How cruel would that have been after the time we both spent expressing our love for each other in such a personal act as sex. There was also the fact that his vampire ability let him into my emotions. I could never be false about loving him when he held my very heart in his hands.

As I thought back to the misery Edward inflicted on me with his leaving and then eventual return, I remembered how it all had seemed moronic back when I was the victim. The unnecessary suffering we both endured apart and yet, here I was recreating the same scenario with the roles in reverse. I was now the fraud, breaking apart a love for reasons that seemed less and less concrete to me over time.

I tried not to wonder how Jasper was doing or if he was feeling the same sadness I had endured after Edward left. I lied to myself saying he would get over me, because he was a vampire. He had already lived longer than I ever would. I was merely a blip on the radar for him, but deep down no matter what rationale I used to convince myself Jasper would move on, I knew it wasn't true. I had seen the look on his face when I told him it was over, the shocked anguish and then anger. It almost gave me cause to retract it all. Then of course he had left before any words could be spoken. His absence only made my resolution stronger. I would follow through with my plan. Still as I stared at the girl in the mirror I couldn't deny how much I regretted my choice. If I was able to go back I would, but what was done was done. That part of my life was over. Jasper would find someway to move on. He had an eternity to forget me. I on the other hand …

I heard a soft sigh behind me and recognized the sound of my ever faithful roommate and friend Angela, who was waiting patiently for her turn in front of the vanity.

"Sorry." I mumbled moving away from my reflection forgetting exactly why I was there in the first place … I didn't wear makeup.

"It's okay" She said patting my shoulder before pulling out some pink lipstick from her purse to smear on her mouth, "Is it one of those days?" Angela asked even though she already knew everyday for me was _one of those days_.

I moved over to the small bed that was positioned directly across from Angela's and sat down. I had 30 minutes until my first class of the day and already I wanted to crawl up into a ball and just sleep away the remaining hours until nighttime. "Jacob called this morning. It's always hard to hear his voice … it reminds me of home and of … him."

Angela nodded and came to sit next to me, "Bella, I understand why you left him. It was too painful for you to be involved with someone related to Edward, but seriously don't you think that this state you are in is actually worse?"

It was an argument I heard often from her. My friend never relented. Of course, I wasn't able to tell her the real truth about why I broke up with Jasper. Maybe if I had she would leave me alone. Still I knew it was impossible to stay irritated with her for long. It was plain to see her heart was in the right place and that Angela wasn't capable of nagging simply for the sake of it. She truly wanted to help rebuild my shattered life. It was just too much though at that moment when already I was feeling the pain of being without Jasper.

"Please, Angela. Not today." I grimaced at her.

She nodded and like a good friend gave me the firmest of hugs that could also be interpreted as – _I will drop this … until tomorrow_. Then with a quick bounce off the mattress and to her feet my roommate picked up her books which had been neatly placed on the nightstand in between our beds. Then grasping them in her arms Angela headed towards the door, but turned back to look at me just before opening it, "I'll see you in English?"

"Yep." I replied, looking down at the pile of books and papers at my feet wondering just which ones belonged to which class.

"Then tonight at Café Solstice, Ben and I will be there. Are you excited about your first time playing at open mic?" Angela said in a voice that I felt was far too joyful for the early hour.

Oh, yes. Open mic. I hadn't forgotten, but I had hoped Angela and Ben would. Screwing up my first solo guitar playing gig would be easier when all the faces in the crowd belonged to strangers. Besides Ben and Angela there was only one other person I ever talked to on campus, but this pretty much was because he was like a persistent fly in my ear constantly asking me out. I was sure that my admirer slash stalker Daniel Dean would be there as well. Damn it! Couldn't a girl find a way to express her sadness in song without the cheer leading squad being present?

"Angela, you are only allowed to be there if you keep your mouth shut. No supportive hollering from you. Got it?" My voice was feigning an authoritative tone, but I meant every word I said.

She imitated an imaginary zipper crossing her lips before giving me the sincerest of smiles and waving goodbye. I doubted that her little gesture would keep her silent for long. She may have been the quiet type, but Angela possessed the ability to transform from a wallflower into my loudest support system when it involved my music. She had seen the role music played in helping me heal somewhat from my constant depression. Although, my friend wasn't aware that the tunes I casually strummed out each day were ones belonging to Jasper. It was the only way I could feel close to him now and as I mastered my former boyfriend's songs I found a balance between my sadness of missing him with the remembrance of his love. The used guitar had been one of my first purchases upon arriving at Seattle University and beside Angela it had become my greatest confidant.

I looked over to the instrument, which was unceremoniously leaning against the foot of my bed. I had no idea if I was ready to actually perform his music along with the lyrics I had written. Yet, I needed to make an effort. It was the only way I was able to feel him now. His force was in the music and along with my words it was the one form the two of us would ever be together again.

Staring at the guitar my mind conjured an image of Jasper playing while we were both in the meadow. These were memories I tried to forget, because they simply hurt too much to see and as a result of my musings I felt a sob beginning to build in my throat. Quickly I decided it best to leave these thoughts before I missed my class. I was barely passing as it was. Too many absences were already piling up due to my inability to move past a broken relationship. I seriously needed to be an adult and pull myself together. If I was ever going to reclaim some sense of normalcy then I had to force myself to at least live.

_Go to class_.

Yes, even Jasper's ever present voice inside my head was telling me to go. I rolled my eyes at the figment of my imagination. He hadn't been as chatty as he first was when I arrived at school, but still he was there just waiting in the wings to tell me what to do when he or rather my demented mental state deemed it necessary.

"Jeez, I'm going." I muttered and then picked up my Biology book from the floor along with the assignment that was due … already the day was beginning to feel long.

I managed to get through my classes without any major hiccups or emotional crippling sadness which I was glad for. The knowledge that my performance was going to take place in the not too distant future was always lurking in the background, but focusing on school along with trying to avoid Daniel, kept me occupied. I wasn't too lucky on the latter since the two of us shared class midday. The rows upon rows of seats inside the lecture hall sat numerous amounts of students in our Humanities class, but somehow my creepy stalker always found a way to place himself near me.

I simply grinned and bared it. Although, he could be forceful at times with his attempts to win me over, I found it hard to be weary of a guy who was less put together than your average Casanova. Daniel was a musician and when he found out I liked to tinker with the guitar as well then that was all she wrote. Add to the fact that we both had a penchant for dressing down and this inevitably made me his dream girl. When I actually took the time to observe the real him through his rectangular glasses and unshaven face all I could see was a golden retriever much like Mike Newton, someone else I had grinned and bared through their advances.

My inclination earlier that he would remember open mic just as Angela had was correct. This meant it was pretty much set in stone that three witnesses I knew would be present to see me in my most raw form. I tried to take it all in stride and not let this fact prevent me from performing. It was something I had been working on for months and finally I had gathered the courage to put my name on the list of those who would play music while patrons sat around drinking their coffee and beer at Café Solstice. I couldn't back down. This would be the final place I could truly be honest with myself about Jasper … that I still loved him and nothing would ever change that. The lyrics I had blended with his music spoke the truth.

"See you tonight." Daniel winked at me when we both exited out into the hallway after class.

I tried to push down the groan I felt building in my chest at his overzealous commitment to seeing my performance and grumbled, "Sure, sure." before turning my back on him.

As I left Daniel behind I still did not feel extremely anxious about open mic, but by the time the sun found its place on the other side of the world leaving only darkness behind I was a bundle of nerves. The amount of butterflies in my stomach kept increasing with each hour that passed leading up to my debut. Then when I eventually found my footing on the small stage and positioned myself on a stool in front of the microphone, I was sure there was a whole nest of monarchs making a home for themselves inside my body. They all had migrated to my stomach.

"Hi, my name is Bella." I managed to squeak out as a massive amount of feedback protested the sound of my voice.

A burly guy came up to fiddle with the microphone and I tried not to stare out into the sea of faces all judging me and waiting for my failure, trying instead to analyze the shoelaces of my faded tennis shoes.

_You will be fine._

Jasper's confidant voice spoke through my self-doubt and I had to stop myself from answering him out loud.

_If only you were here to see this. You were the one who helped me improve and encouraged me to write my own lyrics. I'm only doing this for you, Jasper._

I pulled in a breath as the sound engineer walked away. Then I looked up to face the crowd only to have my intake of breath caught in my throat when I surveyed those in the audience.

_What the hell?!_

The place was not packed, maybe a handful of people at best, but out of those present more than half were wearing costumes. Some even had the pale face makeup of vampires along with cheap plastic fangs covering their teeth. The image sent a shock through me and I had to fight the sudden urge to leap off the stage away from these crazies. It was as if they knew I was planning on singing about my love for a vampire. They were mocking me! This was insane!

_Calm down, Bella. It's Halloween._

Was it, really? Had the month of October already passed by to where we were now on the last day before November? I tried to think if there had been any tell-tale signs of a change in season, but mostly all I could recall was my dorm room and guitar. It was rare for me to ever leave for anything other than class and the probability was high that I had missed this holiday approaching.

_Crap! Out of all the days to do this_.

I tried my hardest to look past those in front of me and decided to stare over their heads and out through the shop windows instead. No one was looking at me there, although I got the faintest glimpse of a head of dazzling blond hair and couldn't help, but compare it to Jasper's before the person it belonged to moved out of my vision.

"Play a song!" I heard a heckler shout which was followed by a much quieter "Shhhhh!" that I could only assume came from Angela.

The sound of those two noises pulled me from my dumbfounded state and I promptly moved my hands into their positions over my guitar to strike the first chord.

A thrill pulsed through my body as I began the song, which wasn't an uncommon thing for me to feel. Every time I sang it happened and this time was no different. The jolt of electricity that raced from my head to my toes was comprised with a mixture of surprise at hearing my own voice out loud and also the nervousness I felt. I just knew that I would screw up and end up sounding like a 14 year old boy going through puberty.

I always felt that my wordplay sounded too precious against the richness of Jasper's work, but I forged on trying to make my voice sound deeper, forcefully swinging it into different ranges until I was satisfied I had pushed the melody enough for my emotional anguish to break through. Even the love-lost clichés in my lyrics found their voice eventually and became an equal partner with Jasper's music until I found myself emotionally drained from the pain of remembering. As a result when I finally let myself slide into a soft whisper set alongside the last few notes of the song, I felt tears beginning to form behind my closed lids. When the end had been reached there was no time to register the erupting applause before I ran off the stage to find myself a small bathroom stall to hide in. I was on the verge of collapse. It had all been so powerful and I felt like Hell, but there would be no regrets from me about what I had just accomplished. It was over and once the strain of it all wore off, I knew that a better feeling would be left in its wake.

"Bella?" I heard Angela whisper as the door leading out into the café swung open and closed.

I pushed my stall door outward and then fell into the waiting arms of my friend. She held me tight not saying a word. After having lived with me for the last few months, Angela was well aware that the ambiguous nameless person I sang about only minutes before was Jasper and the amount of effort I had mounted to do just that was monumental.

"You were perfect out there. Everyone was speechless, including Daniel." She said when our bodies eventually parted.

"He's here?" I automatically groaned.

"Be nice." Angela chided, "He's sitting out there with Ben and he's even bought you a congratulatory drink."

"It better be alcoholic, because that's really what I need right now." I smirked and Angela patted me on the back all too aware that I did not drink.

I controlled my irritation enough at having to join the company of Daniel and managed to sit down at the table the two boys occupied. I was even able to make light conversation while I sipped the coke Daniel had bought for me. Just as I had predicted my mood was lightly shifting from the unbearable depression I couldn't escape from for months to a moderate sadness. Perhaps the more I sang about Jasper the more I would be able to feel him and not have to suffer alone.

"Was that song written about anyone in particular?" Daniel asked casually interrupting my reflections on Jasper.

I sent Angela a quick look of desperation before turning to face my admirer. All the while I tried not to glare at his impertinence, "I … uh … no. It was just made up … and …" I trailed my voice into a whisper suddenly aware that I was feeling dizzy.

"Are you okay, Bella?" I heard Angela's slightly panicked voice, but when I shifted the direction of my gaze to her I found that she was beginning to blur.

"I'm sure Bella's fine. She's just feeling the after effects of the rush of playing music live. It happens to me all the time." Daniel interjected, "Here, I'll take her home."

I felt myself being lifted to my feet and then a long lanky arm wrapping around my torso. What the hell was he doing? I wanted to shirk his hold on me, but couldn't find the will to do it. In fact my mood was becoming quite complacent.

"Is that what you want?" Angela asked me, the cynicism in her voice directed at Daniel.

"Sure." I waved nonchalantly at her before being whisked away out the door.

I was vaguely aware that my guitar had been left behind, but my escort was walking in such a hurried pace that I barely had time to remind Angela to bring it back to the dorms with her. What in the world was going on with me? I felt so weird and after awhile realization seeped into my cloudy brain. The sensation I felt was similar to having taken a dose of cough syrup.

I could hear Daniel mumbling words of irritation above me, but it seemed my consciousness was fading and his voice sounded like he was underwater.

"Where are we going?" I found myself asking.

"My car." He answered curtly.

"Like hell you are!"

At first I thought the growl spoken belonged to Daniel, but it seemed a bit off that he would have been arguing with himself. Then as I felt my weight being shifted into another set of arms … ones much colder, the dulling of my senses began to sharpen for the smallest of seconds. My head felt so heavy, but I managed to focus my eyes up enough to see a very familiar jaw line.

"Jasper?" I asked and wanted to follow up that one word with so much.

Only I wasn't able to, because the world went black.

* * *

**Author's Note** - I would have very much liked to give words to the song Bella sang, but I seriously suck at poetry. Can't even do haiku. So, I hope I was able to get the emotion of her song across with what I wrote.

Also thanks to everyone who reviewed the prologue I wrote for 'Beyond The Darkness'. I should be done with 'Change Heartache Into Courage' sometimes in January and once that is accomplished all my focus will be on that story. Thanks again!


	47. Chapter 47

**Author's Note** - Sorry for the slight delay with this chapter. I was sick for most of last week with debilitating migraines that would not allow me time to write. Thankfully I haven't had a migraine since Friday and that allowed me time to work on this chapter. So, if you reviewed the last chapter and I didn't respond ... that's why. Also I wanted to thank everyone who voted for this story in The Sparkle Awards. It really was a wonderful surprise to find out I have readers who love this story enough to vote for it. Thanks! Lastly I want to thank Aly my wonderful Beta who knows how to get me out of my writing funks.

**Warning **- Soft M Material ahead.

* * *

"What the hell did you give her?"

I was well aware that the intensity of my voice was causing others on the street and sidewalk to stop what they were doing and focus in on the commotion I created. Most kept their distance in fear that whatever was happening might bleed out into a fight where they stood. If it ended up coming to blows I had no doubt the bastard I shouted at could be taken down easily, but that was not what I really wanted. If I incapacitated him then how would that help Bella? How would I find out what he gave her?

When my question was met with silence, I moved my eyes down for the briefest of moments to anxiously glance at the girl in my arms. She wasn't completely gone mentally. There were still parts of her cognitive brain working enough for me to feel her emotions. Just as Bella's eyes had met mine before she shut them, her contentment with having seen me filled the air around us and continued to hum outside her body even after her lids closed. There was a desire in her to reopen them, but she was unable to do so and my guess was the effort of keeping them open had become too great in her weakened state.

"I swear if you do not tell me what you gave her then I will rip your balls off and shove them down your throat!" I hoped that by threatening the boy in a language someone his age might understand then perhaps he would give me what I desperately wanted … to know what was wrong with Bella.

Since making my abrupt appearance, Bella's companion had been a bundle of shocked nerves unable or unwilling to respond to my anger. If I had continued on with my plan to stay out of Bella's view until we were alone then neither one of us would be in this situation, but I simply had no choice in the matter once I saw into the boy's emotions. I sensed the worst of my fears realized and my vampire instincts took over. I would protect Bella and this meant it was imperative for me to remove her from her friend's presence.

Earlier in the evening, while I stood outside the café listening to Bella pour her very sadness into song, I had paid little attention to the man now standing dumbstruck in front of me. Even when she sat down with him at a table following her performance, I was not concerned. My mind was only able to fill its space with images of the reunion I was planning on instigating once Bella returned to her dorm room. Jacob had told me the truth for whatever reason and I could barely contain my elation at the thoughts of what I would say and do to Bella when we were reunited.

Even when I noticed the boy was feeling guilty about something pertaining to the girl he ushered outside, that emotion by itself did not raise any red flags for me. I would have let him take Bella back to her room uninterrupted if I hadn't latched onto that second emotion … one someone like me knew only too well. I tried not to think of that time period in my life when my soul and those around me spilled nothing, but depravity. Yet, here was a person who carried with him the same darkness. It may not have been on par with a coven of murderous vampires, but I knew well enough to see he could not be trusted with the one I loved. Even the thought of what the outcome of the evening may have been had I not been watching Bella all day caused me to seethe rage.

After I had pulled Bella from his grasp it only took me a moment to see her condition and realize that she had been given something. Even if her companion had not intended for Bella to feel the full effects of the drug, Bella certainly was. I knew enough from his emotions to gauge that this had been his first venture into the area of making his dates more pliable and willing to do what he wanted. Perhaps Bella hadn't been so easily won over and he wanted an extra push in his favor. Unfortunately for Bella she had been his first victim and unfortunate for the perpetrator, because I was her boyfriend.

"Jesus Christ, Man! I didn't give her anything. She was just tired and who the hell are you to ask me? I don't know you."

The boy was finally regaining his voice. Possibly he saw my concern for Bella and interpreted it as weakness. I certainly wasn't going to allow anymore tip-toeing around the truth from him. He would tell me or I would … I tried to mentally move away from the word kill, but it kept coming back to me full force. Killing him would be so easy, but I … I had to think of Bella. It wouldn't help her. She was my only priority now and his death although satisfying for me would serve no purpose.

I saw the boy begin to inch away as I tried to decide what to do. I couldn't very well leave Bella alone on the sidewalk while I pursued him, but I had to get this jerk to talk. Every second of indecision was a moment that I lost for Bella.

"Jasper!"

I whipped my head in the direction of the female voice that called out to me. It was Angela. She and Ben were exiting the café and when her eyes fell upon me her natural reaction was to exclaim my name in surprise and then stare questioning at the situation she saw in front of her eyes, "What's wrong with Bella?"

"This guy drugged her and he won't tell me what he gave her." My whole body was beginning to tremble in anger at having to say what was happening instead of being able to react to it.

Angela came running up to me and tried to finagle her friend out of my arms, "What are you doing?" I snapped, my voice coming out angrier than I wanted, because of my frustration.

The girl did not take offense to my short temper and in a calm and collected manner began to talk me down from my rage, "Jasper, Ben and I can take Bella to the ER. You have a better chance of getting this a-hole to talk than anyone else. I know what you are capable of, so put it to use."

I felt a bit unnerved by the last few words she whispered to me. From my familiarity with Angela as her classmate at school and then also as a friend of Bella's, I knew her to be quiet and demure, but also very perceptive. Was it possible that she was aware that my family and I were not … normal? What had she meant by _I know what you are capable of?_

I quickly shook the thought out of my head when I felt Angela begin to tug at Bella's arm once more. The thought of letting go of Bella so soon after we had been reunited sent a pang of sadness throughout me, but I managed to focus on the end goal and reluctantly let Bella fall from my arms and into the waiting embrace of her friend.

"Go!" Angela ordered and then gestured with her hand towards Bella's would-be rapist who had already made a run for it down the street during our short conversation.

I nodded and took off trying not to use the full force of the speed I was capable of. I knew I would catch him eventually and there was no need to create a scene that could not be easily explained away. When I eventually came upon the boy he was kneeling on the sidewalk near an intersection. His breath was coming in ragged pants as he tried to catch it. He had come to a stop, because his ability to run had diminished from his exertion to get away from me. I sensed he was still worried, but at the same time a false sense of security fell from him. He was unaware of my looming presence. We were still in a populated area with curious eyes watching us and I quickly scanned for a location more auspicious for the interrogation I had planned. I would let him live, but perhaps he would wish for death when I was done with him. The soldier buried deep within me would use all of the vampire abilities at my disposal. I would get this cockroach to talk.

When I eventually made my motion towards him, I tried to move with the right amount of agility and swiftness so that those around us would think the disturbance of my body meeting his was simply an anomaly in the air. A brief glitch in the makings of life that although was curious was not worth the time spent pondering over. Once I had him ensnared within my grasp we moved to the far reaching alley way in between two buildings. I had briefly scouted the location beforehand and knew the area would be perfect for our small chat.

"What the hell … what's going on?" Bella's assailant floundered around completely confused as to how and why he had moved.

I could sense his fear tumbling over his confusion until the taste of it excited me almost as much as the flavor of his blood would have. When his eyes found me standing near by him in the darkness of the alleyway his confounded state ceased to be. Fear was all he felt. He was afraid … afraid for his life.

"Look uh … I swear all I gave her was half a pill of Xanax … it's an anti anxiety drug. I take it everyday and I'm totally fine. I just wanted Bella to relax. She's always so uptight. I didn't mean to hurt her." The boy stuttered as a result of his horror stricken state and his eyes widened at my ever approaching glowering figure.

Slowly he tried to inch backward only to stumble and fall over a random piece of garbage behind him. "Please, don't hurt me." He squealed pushing his arms up to cover his face.

I looked at him cowering in fear over what I might do to him and I could not help, but feel a shred of my humanity creeping into my consciousness. He was a loathsome creature, of that I was sure, but now that I had what I wanted - to know what he had given Bella - my rage felt less severe. I wondered about this… this piece of my former human self taking shape inside me. It felt so very foreign to actually pity someone that I should hate. It did not seem to be the makings of a vampire trait, but one that had been reawakened by being with a human so intimately.

_Bella_.

At the thought of her name, I pulled myself back into the present of deciding what I should do. It would be such a waste of this humanity Bella had brought about in me if I followed through with the swift punishment I originally planned for this pathetic person. Instead I delivered him a blow that I knew he would understand. The scream of agony he exhibited as he held onto his injured scrotum my foot had met on impact caused me a brief feeling of joy. I knew the message was better said in an act of violence against the area he prized the most.

"Don't ever come near Bella again. If I even hear that you were in close proximity to her, I don't care what the reason, I will come for you and next time I won't be so generous."

I let the boy sit there moaning in pain letting my words sink in, because the truth was I meant every word I spoke. Next time no amount of my former human self would be able to keep the vampire I was at bay. This was his only chance for atonement.

"I promise." He managed to squeak out rather pathetically and I took his reply as my cue to leave the human waste behind.

If I hurried then I could possibly use a small amount of my vampire speed to follow Bella's scent from the coffee shop all the way to the hospital … maybe even catch up with her. Although, now that I was aware of the drug that had been used on her, I was less concerned about Bella's outcome. If he was telling the truth then whatever reaction Bella was having was not something to be greatly concerned about. The drug was not as worrisome to me as some of the other forms of date rape enablers out there. If anything it gave me a little bit of peace to hope that he had been forthcoming with me.

I continued on at my slightly accelerated pace until I once again found myself in front of the café. I originally halted, as a means to better take in Bella's smell and then follow it onward from there. Yet, I found no need to do any of this, because she was the first thing I saw on arrival. Bella was standing alongside Angela and Ben looking weakened, but alert … especially about my presence. When her brown eyes moved over to me they widened and I saw the most beautiful of smiles take form on lips.

"Bella?" My voice was shaky as I wondered about her being in front of me instead of at the Emergency Room where she should have been.

"She refused to leave until she saw you." Angela answered my unspoken question.

"You stupid, stubborn girl." I chided, shaking my head.

"Maybe, but at least I got to see that you were really here and not just something my imagination conjured up before I zoned out."

Bella was walking towards me now and I could not help, but escape the distance between us in one quick movement. The feel of her in my arms, the warmth of her body along with her alluring sent, was a sensation that I never expected to experience again. I drank it all in and was not aware of how long we stood there in our embrace. Time had no meaning to me now as long as she was in my arms once more.

"Were you able to pull anything from Daniel?" I heard Angela's say, although it sounded like it was coming from far away.

I was still clutching onto Bella, unwilling to release her, as I made my reply, "He said he gave her Xanax, which shouldn't be too much of a concern and now that Bella has come out of whatever stupor the drug caused I am even less anxious. Still, we should get you to a doctor just as a precaution."

I slowly removed Bella's soft frame from the mold it had made for itself against me and looked her in the eye, "I'm taking you to the hospital."

"No."

I furrowed my brows in confusion, not exactly sure of the reason behind her refusal, "Why? You need to go."

Bella bit her lip and shook her head fervently, "I feel fine now and besides there are more important things that we need to discuss … just not here or in a crowded hospital ER."

I opened my mouth to protest her proposal, but found myself unable to speak when her hand reached up to stop the words from leaving my mouth, "Shut up, Jasper. I've done enough damage to us and I need to make things right. We are going back to my dorm room and Angela," Bella turned to face her friend while still cupping her hand over my mouth, "Do you mind giving us the evening alone."

I saw Angela look at us in surprise, but then a sheepish grin pulled up at the corners of her mouth as she answered, "Sure … I've been meaning to make a weekend trip home. See you two later."

Then she linked arms with Ben, but not before picking up Bella's guitar and motioning towards us with it. "Don't forget this." She smiled and walked off in the opposite direction with her boyfriend.

I moved to retrieve Bella's guitar and then placed it in her hands, "That was uh … quite the song you played in there."

"I don't want to talk about that right now." Bella said her voice carrying traces of melancholy.

"Okay, what would you like to talk about? Since that seems what you want to do instead of going to the hospital to make sure you aren't going to die." I had meant for my words to come out like a tease, but after I spoke I regretted it instantly.

The girl had been staring at the ground beneath her feet with her emotions being a jumbled mess – sadness, elation, trepidation, and excitement all mingled together inside her. I desperately wanted to help sort them and get her through whatever she was struggling with.

"Bella?" I hedged.

Her eyes slowly rose to meet mine and it was then, when I saw the tears pooling in them, that an ache pressed against my chest, "What do you need me to do?" I asked.

She pulled in a breath and then let it out in the most heart wrenching of sobs, "You can take me back to my dorm room for starters and then once there do to me what we did the last time we were together."

A single tear fell from her eye and I reached out my thumb to wipe it away. "You don't have to ask me twice."

Somehow I managed to use a normal human pace as Bella, who snuggled closely against my body, directed me to her dorm. The two of us couldn't get there fast enough and had our situation been different I would have brought us to our destination in the matter of seconds. Yet, I had to feign being human and by the time 20 minutes had passed and we were standing in the dorm hallway with Bella's shaking fingers trying to insert the key into the lock leading to her room, it was all I could do, but not to take her right then and there. My eyes stared at her fumbling fingers and a loud growl of irritation rumbled from my chest. Bella turned to me with a guilty look on her face and mouthed _sorry_ which caused me to feel embarrassed at my outburst. Gently I took the keys from her grasp to unlock the door myself before the two of us spontaneously combusted from sexual frustration.

When the door shut behind us I tossed her guitar off to the side of the room, ready to give her and her body my complete attention and in my aroused haste I missed either of the beds entirely. I could not seem reign my emotions in and as the softness of Bella was felt under my hands I all but tackled her to the floor. I certainly was not behaving like the gentlemen I had exposed her to during our last time together. Back then I had wanted to take my time easing Bella into a sexual relationship. Now in contrast the pace at which we moved felt frenzied. Our bodies were making up for lost time and I no longer had the need to take things slow with her. The girl knew what to expect as did I and nothing was going to stop us from finding that joy in each other again.

Bella enthusiastically moved her mouth over my bare chest as she unsuccessfully tried to pull my shirt over my head. Only she was clumsy and quite possibly could have choked me had I been a frailer being. I chuckled at her stumble and moved her hands away from my neck so that I could yank the material away from my body without anymore hazards. Then I mimicked her movements, but unlike Bella I was far more able at removing clothing and in an instant the faded graphic T Shirt she wore was tossed aside exposing her bra. I managed to pull that article of clothing away from her as well without incident and then eventually reached my hands down to the edge of her knee length khaki skirt to lift it above her hips. At that moment I was extremely pleased that she had gone against form and dressed in a skirt instead of jeans. It made things far easier for me. Then once I found the soft cotton material of her panties I pulled them down in a quick movement and positioned myself above her. I thought I might let her undress my lower half, but as I looked at her exposed body beneath me it all became too much and I needed to have her. I could not wait the 5 extra minutes it would take for her human hands to figure out the workings of my belt, pants and boxers. So, I did it myself.

Her eyes were looking lovingly into mine and her emotions expressed much of the same as I found a place inside her warm body. I returned the same emotion to her as we moved together like two people who had finally found our other half. This moment we shared would be the cusp of our eternity together. No longer would I allow us to be apart. No matter what.


	48. Chapter 48

**Author's Note** - I could not have written this chapter without the help of three lovely ladies - Aligator_Aly, Touchstonesart and DayAnn Cullen. Aly and Touchstonesart for there continued support through my apprehension of writing lemons and DayAnn Cullen for penning the lyrics to Bella's song since I cannot do poetry. Also sorry for the delay with this chapter. The Holidays pretty much took me over.

**Warning** - Soft M Material ahead.

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I was overwhelmed, instantly, with the most incredible emotions. It was all too good to be true. Here I was in the most intimate of situations with the vampire I loved, something I never thought possible again after all my efforts to break us apart. It had to be a dream. How was it possible for him to be above me now, kissing me in ways that should be illegal and pressing his body further into me, causing my voice to come out in a cry of pleasure?

I thought about all I had done to destroy us and how I figured it impossible to return to the love we had shared in my bedroom our last time together. It was confusing. How had we found it back to this place again? Although, I tried not to question it just as I had when I saw him in front of me outside the café. I wanted to seize the moment, take advantage of his presence before I woke up and the apparition I thought he was, scattered away along with the dust motes in the air … a figment of my deluded imagination. Blocking out everything, but him and what he was doing to me at that moment, I tried to just experience Jasper. My hands went out, and took hold of his torso to where my bare chest was pressed up to his, against the silent heart inside, and I bit my lip as a wave of joy began to build inside my body.

"You have no idea how much I have longed for this moment again, Bella. I love you." He uttered against my neck as his mouth and tongue found their way all along the length of my skin there.

"I love you back," I gasped, my legs locking around his waist making it possible for Jasper to push himself deeper into me.

My boyfriend's hands trailed down my sides and to my thighs were they settled. His cold grasp pulled the lower half of my body in closer, helping me move along with him and this in turn caused me to moan loudly as my elation expressed itself. I seriously hoped it would go unheard by the others in my dorm. I was being pretty loud, especially when he caused me to scream out as I reached my peak a few moments later.

But, as he continued along, moving inside me and filling me with joy, I felt a tear fall from my eye. _This isn't real. I'm not meant to be this happy after everything I did. _There was a weight of sadness in my heart from the powerful sense that I was dreaming. No matter how much I willed my worry to stop, I just knew that when I woke up it would all be gone. Jasper, of course, felt my emotional shift even as he was nearing his climax and I saw his worried eyes find mine just as a loud groan followed by a sigh erupted from his mouth.

The sensation of his orgasm sent a chill through my body and I shivered. It made me cold. Sex with a vampire was something I might have to consider doing clothed from the waist up from now on. Although, I did welcome the feel of him, the post-coital chill was an issue I would have to find a solution to. Isn't that how they did it in the movies – snuggling afterward? I might have to do that part of it with a sweater on, well that was if I ever got the chance to do it again considering I still wasn't sure if Jasper was real.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Jasper asked gently, moving his arms away from my legs and around my waist, his face finding a place in between my breasts.

"I uh … nothing's wrong."

I didn't know why I lied and quickly decided to retract my words. I had to approach this differently and be honest from the start. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice now that I had been given a second chance, "No, that's not true. To be honest, I am a little cold and also afraid that this is all something my mind created to fight my depression of being without you. Please, tell me that I'm not dreaming, Jasper."

"You're not dreaming." He mumbled against the skin of my left breast, his icy lips causing me to shiver once more.

When he felt my reaction to his cold, he moved his mouth away from me and reaching over to his right where my bed was, Jasper pulled down my comforter. Then he eased me into a sitting position on the ground and placed it securely around me. "I suppose next time we might try to do this while in a hot shower. It may help with the temperature of my body and there are also other positions we can make love in. It's not always the man on top covering you with a cold body." A large grin played on his face while he pulled his boxers back on.

"Well, I'm not sure we could try the shower theory out here. I live in an all girls dorm and the others on this hall might have a problem with the sounds we would more than likely make inside a shower stall … not to mention the sight of you in a towel. You were planning on wearing a towel, weren't you?" I giggled at the thought of my RA fainting from catching a glimpse of nude Jasper in all his manly beauty. I saw his eyebrows rise in response to my laughter.

"You're laughing." His hand reached out to cup my cheek, "It makes me happy to hear that after the heartbreaking emotions I felt from you during your song. Is it alright for me to broach the subject now?"

"I guess it's not really that big an issue." I replied, shrugging my shoulders, "I only wanted to avoid that conversation, because it was imperative to make sure I took full advantage of your presence. The drug was making me feel weird and I needed to know that you weren't just a figment of my Xanax induced daze."

"So, you needed to have sex with me in order to prove I was real." He chuckled and I swatted his arm playfully. "So, did I pass the test? Does this mean you've come to your senses and believe I am not a drug created figment in your mind?"

"I'm not sure." I said teasingly, "That orgasm you gave me wasn't quite powerful enough. I might have to retest you."

He frowned, but then leaned in to press his lips against mine. Our mouths moved against each other starting with soft kisses at first that eventually found a much more forceful rhythm as our lips parted and I tasted the sweetness of his tongue against mine. Then as he pulled away, I heard him whisper some of the lyrics to my song-

_You took me from the endless dark and cold  
Brought me to a light I've never known  
You picked me up when I was falling  
Held me by your side  
Both fighting to stay alive_

I felt a blush creep over my cheeks, but Jasper continued on until he reached the last phrase of my ode to him, "The love I have for you will remain unchanged. All I want is to be in your arms once again."

"Stop it. It makes me self-conscious to hear you quote my lyrics." I groaned covering my burning cheeks with my hands

"Don't be embarrassed, Bella. It were those words that let me know the truth. Now won't you believe the same from me, that I am here, real and just as much in love with you as I've always been?" Jasper's voice trembled as he spoke and his eyes gazed deeply into mine.

Did I believe it? Was I able to look past my guilt and accept the second chance that life was giving me after my deception? There were still so many secrets I kept from him that I knew would have to be revealed now that we were back together, but there was one thing that I needed to know before moving forward with the truth. I stood up with the warmth of the comforter around me and sat down on the edge of my bed. Jasper joined me and placed his arm over the thick material to where I was able to feel his hold without the chill. "Why did you come here after all that I did to hurt you. I realize you love me, but how was it possible for you to forgive me. You must have guessed that I lied to you. Why else would you be here?"

Jasper looked away for a moment as if deciding how to respond. I didn't like the pause. It made me worry that he was rethinking his choice to return and that he would in fact disappear just as I had feared. An image of him dissolving into specks of dust caused me to shake my head.

"Bella, don't worry. I have no plans of leaving you. I'm staying right here by your side as long as you allow me to. Being apart from you was the most dreadful experience." He soothed, knowing exactly why I moved my head back and forth, "I would be a fool to willingly make myself endure that again. I'm just trying to decide if it's my place to tell you who gave me the information of your lie."

"W-What? Someone told you? But, I don't understand. Who knew, besides …" It came to me then, the name of the only other person who was aware, the one who convinced me to lie in the first place, "Jacob." His name was a whisper on my lips.

Jasper nodded, indicating to me that my guess was correct. "He came to me yesterday and told me he was concerned about you and that he thought you needed me. He said that it was he who convinced you to lie to me … nearly ripped his head off after that, but came here instead to see if he was right. After hearing your song tonight and feeling your emotions as you sang, well I would say that all arrows point to him telling me the truth."

I was shocked. I couldn't believe that Jake would expose his plan to Jasper after all the debating we had done that afternoon when I tried to find a way to keep my relationship with a vampire and he found ways to challenge each argument I made. It was the only option that kept Sam from going postal on the Cullens, he had reasoned and I had to sacrifice love to keep the peace. If Jake no longer saw this as a solution to the issue then it must mean that all hope for Sam was gone. He was going to destroy Jasper no matter what I did.

"Oh my God, Jasper, what are we going to do about Sam? Why did Jake send you this way? It only leaves the rest of them with one less vampire to fight. Not to mention you're unprotected and alone. What if he comes after you?" I sprang to my feet, throwing the large blanket aside and headed directly to my dresser to quickly pull some clothes out.

"What are you doing, Bella?"

Jasper appeared unfazed by my urgency, which didn't seem at all logical to the situation. If he knew what Sam had done then he wouldn't have even wasted time making love to me. We would have already been on our way home. "You don't know do you?" I asked, but the truth was apparent to me by the clearly confused look on Jasper's face.

"What you are going on about, no I don't."

I was certain that the only reason Jake would tell Jasper why I lied was to give us a last chance to be together before a battle between all the mythical creatures of Forks erupted. If Jasper didn't know then that must mean either Jake was playing a sick game to lure Sam to attack, a theory I just could not see as plausible, or he had found a way to keep Sam placated. I truly hoped on the second.

"Bella, please tell me why your emotions are so frenzied right now. What were you talking about? What about Sam? We haven't heard about any stirrings in La Push for months now."

"Yeah, because I left. Me leaving was supposed to keep you and your family safe, because … there's something you should know."

I pulled a random T Shirt over my head and took out a pair of jeans from the dresser, wondering just how much time I should take to explain everything that I had been keeping from him. It was a delicate subject and required sensitivity, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave us anymore vulnerable then we already were. We had to meet up with the others in his family.

"Something I need to know about Sam, I assume?" Jasper said.

I nodded and after pulling my jeans up over my legs, I went to sit next to him again.

"I sense you have a secret that you've been keeping for quite some time." Jasper took hold of my hands, softly massaging my fingers with his, "Whatever it is you can tell me. Don't be worried."

I had to squash the urge I felt to call him Dr. Emo. He was certainly acting like what I remembered from our _counseling_ sessions, but I needed to get the words out that were fighting their way to my lips. No time could be taken for a detour of teasing even if a moment of humor might make me feel better about the pain I was about to unleash on him.

"Jasper," I pulled in a breath of air and then sighed heavily before deciding to get straight to the point, "It was Sam that killed Edward and Alice. He used Alice to lure Edward away from me during the battle and then destroyed her before Edward got there. Jacob told me. He read Sam's thoughts after it happened and from what he found inside his mind, he had apparently been planning on doing this even before Victoria created her newborns. That happening just ended up being his window of opportunity."

I stopped and tried to steady my already shaky voice. I did not have the courage to look Jasper in the eyes as I explained the horrible story to him. I feared I would only see resentment for me in them from having kept this a secret for so long. "After he killed them he ordered the pack not to speak about it, but Jacob found a way and that's how I know. The only reason Sam did this was to keep your family away from me. He takes his job way too seriously and in the end Edward and Alice died because of it. Now that you are in my life, Sam has the same fervent desire to kill you. It's insanity and is ultimately the reason I lied when I said I didn't want to be with you anymore. I wanted to protect everyone, but now I see it hasn't worked. Jake telling you to see me can only mean that Sam is making plans again."

I couldn't help myself, but I began to cry as I neared the end of my confession, so much so that I was nearing hysterics. I feared Jasper would storm out of the room in anger at me for keeping such important details about Alice's death from him. At the very least I worried he might blame me for her being killed. Sam after all had used the excuse of protecting me as his justification for the murders.

But, to my relief Jasper did neither of these things. As soon as I finished speaking and the sobs took away any ability I had left to talk, I found myself wrapped in his strong arms as he whispered into my ear, "My poor, poor Bella. How hard it must have been to have this knowledge for so long and no one to confide in."

"You're … you're not mad at me for keeping this from you?" The words barely made it out of my mouth amidst all my weeping.

But, of course Jasper found a way to place a peaceful feeling inside me that was able to numb my sadness to some extent. I wasn't sure how he did this, but by some means he found it in himself to ease my sorrow with his ability even though the knowledge of why Alice had died was still so fresh in his head.

"No, I'm not mad at you. How could I be? You have suffered far too much already for reasons that were deluded and deranged, created inside the head of a man who has no idea who he is messing with. He will pay for what he did to Alice and Edward and us as well. Make no mistake about that!" As Jasper spoke his voice steadily increased in rage until his last word came out in a shout that chilled me to the core.

"But, you can't talk like that. I don't want anyone to fight. All it makes me think of is that I'm about to lose you again and I just can't experience that. Everyone I love is slowly being taken away from me." My words were coming out as incoherent blubbering against the cold skin of Jasper's chest as I held onto him.

"Don't worry about me, Bella." He pressed his lips against the top of my head as he tried to calm my worry, "I will be fine. I am a trained soldier. For so many years the fight was my life or have you forgotten about all the scars that frightened you so much when you first saw them. You know how I received them."

I moved my head slightly, so that I could better look at one of those bite marks my cheek was pressed up against. I traced it with my index finger and shuddered at the thought of Jasper fighting, not just with Sam, but ever. It was hard to fathom him in any situation where he might be harmed.

"Besides," Jasper continued while I carried on touching the roughness of each tiny indentation on his concrete skin, "I am not the one that we should worry about. You are much more fragile and breakable than me and you must know that you are not the only one with secrets kept. There is something I've been meaning to tell you too, something that makes it imperative that I keep you safe ... something Alice saw."

I pulled myself away from him and sat up, "What do you mean?"

Jasper was already on his feet pulling his clothes back on in the amount of time that I might have been able to get one foot through a sock. Then he tossed my discarded purse my way. "I'll tell you on the way back to Forks. Right now we need to get moving."

"Okay." I replied and then stood slinging the purse over my shoulder.

It was then as the bag hit my thigh, I felt a slight vibration against my leg. I realized my phone was still on vibrate from when I had performed at open mic. Now it was indicating to me that I had a text message.

"Did someone call you?" Jasper asked when he saw me flip open my phone.

"No, just a text from Jacob" I said, suddenly feeling nervousness about reading what he had sent.

My finger pressed down on the button that would reveal his message and I gasped at the two words staring me down with their foreboding.

_Sam Knows_.


	49. Chapter 49

**Author's Note** - Thanks again to Aly for taking the time to beta even though her schedule got a bit more hectic with school and thank you to all those who review each week. You have no idea how those words encourage me to keep going.

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"What's wrong? What does it say?" I saw the look on Bella's face after she read the text as well as felt her fear and did not need to guess that the words she stared at meant anything, but bad news for us.

Her wide eyes darted up to me briefly and then back down at the phone in her small and delicate hand. She shook her head and then handed me the cell with trembling fingers.

I turned my eyes downward to see what had caused so much alarm for Bella, but instead of sharing her emotion, I only felt irritated, "Why would he send you this and nothing else?" I glared at the screen of Bella's phone, irritated at the vagueness of Jacob's words.

He was only telling Bella what we both had already suspected. I checked the time the text had been sent and saw an hour had transpired from then until now.

"Maybe I should try and call him. It's possible that Sam came around and he wasn't able to send me anything else." Bella suggested.

For a brief second I thought about letting her, but my anger got the best of me and instead I hit the send button on Jacob's number and placed her phone against my ear.

"What are you doing?" Bella asked anxiously.

I knew she wouldn't approve, so I remained silent, listening to the sound of the rings that I hoped would eventually lead me to a conversation with Jacob. I wanted to get the information straight from the source and also give him a lecture. My irritation with the wolf hadn't waned any since his visit that morning. If my desire to see Bella hadn't been stronger than my need to enact retribution on him for all those months I suffered away from Bella, there was no doubt in me that I would have fought with Jacob. It did not matter that his intention in telling me was to bring Bella and I back together, because in my mind, even if he said he was on our side, I still could not shake the feeling that Jacob had ulterior motives.

"Yes?" The low bass of Jacob's voice answered after the third ring.

"What the hell, do you think you are playing at here, Jacob?" I spat into the phone as Bella rushed to my side, "What exactly does _Sam knows_ mean? Could you not have called before and given us a more detailed explanation? I sometimes think that this whole thing is just one big game to you!"

"Stop it, Jasper. Let me talk to him." Bella pleaded at my side, but I was unwilling to give up my moment to tell Jacob exactly how I felt.

"Who is this?" The voice on the other line asked.

"What do you mean, who is this? You know all too well who this is. Who else would have Bella's phone, but the person you sent to her this morning." My words were nearing the volume level of a yell and I felt Bella at my side pulling my arm.

"Let me talk to him. You're angry and that's not going to help our situation." She hissed and I turned my head to glance at her, not used to hearing the girl speak to me in such a way.

I hated upsetting Bella, but it was as if the anger and frustration over everything that had occurred since Alice's murder was now boiling over. This wasn't just about his interference with my relationship with Bella. This was about everything that happened before. Bella had told me how Alice had died and also made me aware that Jacob was privy to Sam's homicidal mind the whole time after the incident. Even if he wasn't able to tell me, because of some order his pack leader gave him, there was still anger in me and I needed to direct it at the closest possible person connected with Alice dying.

"Hmmm … This must be Jasper." The boy's words were almost a mock and I was certain that if there was a way to reach through the phone and strangle him, I would have done so.

"Who else would it be?"

A slight scoff at the other end was his reply which infuriated me even more, but my fury rescinded instantly and was replaced with distress with the words that followed, "Well, it's nice to know from you that all my suspicions of Jacob being a rat weren't wrong. we'll be seeing each other soon."

The line went dead and I may as well have too, because now the blame fell into my lap. Bella's life was in danger and Alice's vision was taking shape, all because I was unable to control my anger. It was all me. I felt my hand clench Bella's phone, upset over my lack of self control and she quickly reminded me what I was doing.

"Hey, that phone isn't vampire proof. Let it go before you break it and can you please tell me what is going on. What did Jacob say?" Her voice was irritated, since she had only heard my part of the conversation and knew there had been an argument.

I quickly released the device and let it drop in Bella's hand, wondering exactly how I would explain our situation to her – the situation I had created. How could I tell Bella what I had done, knowing that I was the cause of her precarious state … that I had angered Sam and not Jacob. I knew that Sam would never intentionally harm a human, but from what I had learned through Bella and hearsay, he had once injured the woman he was now engaged to. I could not let a situation like that arise where Bella was concerned. As long as she was at my side her life was not safe and I had to find a way to convince her of this.

Although, I was all too aware that this would be nearly impossible considering we had just been reunited; not to mention the girl was the most stubborn person I had ever met. I highly doubted she would agree to leave me even if it was for only a short time and for her own good. If there was ever a moment I felt more like my brother it was now. He chose to leave Bella behind for her own safety after my attack on her. I could relate with Edward's struggle, but knew that my actions would differ greatly from his. I was not nearly so selfless. There was no way that I would let Sam tear us apart, because he deemed our relationship wrong, but I needed to find a way of getting Bella to leave me during the next day or so. Perhaps I could let Charlie deal with her while I tried to keep Sam from attacking me and my family.

"What is going on? Why won't you answer me?" Bella reached out her arms and shook me a bit, but her strength did little to move my stone figure.

"It's uh, nothing. It's nothing. Jacob just wanted us to meet up with him." I lied.

The girl raised her eyebrows, sending me a questioning look, "That can't be all."

_Yes, Bella you know me too well. I am lying, but I can't tell you the truth right now._

I had to lie. I hated for our relationship to be bogged down in more deception after the truth had finally begun to reveal itself, but it was imperative for me to protect Bella. Alice had seen this coming and I would make sure to keep the girl I loved alive. It was simply impossible for me to survive the loss of another person I felt so strongly for. Yet, there was still one thing I could disclose to her. If anything, letting her know about Alice's vision would keep her more aware of her surroundings and less suspicious of my new found overbearing tendencies with her.

"Jacob wants to see us, so let's get going." I indicated the door trying to distract her and Bella's eyes rolled toward the ceiling at my refusal to answer her question from before.

She moved away from me with a shake of her head and went to turn the knob, but I reached out to keep her from completing the act. Her hand felt so soft and tiny inside mine and I felt a slight ache push against my chest at the thought of losing her once more.

"Why do you look so sad?" She asked, pulling herself closer to me, so that our bodies were pressed against each other.

I really had lost all of my ability to mask my emotions when it came to Bella. I may have kept them from bleeding out for her to experience, but I was unable to push them from showing on my features. Quickly, I transformed my creased forehead into a placid expression and taking Bella's face into my hands, I brought her lips up to meet mine.

"There is something I would like to talk to you about before we leave." I said when my lips relinquished hers.

"Yes?" She replied, her body swaying a bit from the sensory overload my kiss had caused.

I snaked my arms around her back to help steady her and Bella copied my movements with her own embrace around my torso. I stood there hesitating before I spoke, just taking in all that she was and how she felt in my arms. I wanted to drink in this moment and lock it in my brain in case the unthinkable happened and she was forever lost to me. Finally, after a few minutes had passed I felt it in me to continue, "I need to tell you … before she died Alice had a vision and spoke of it to Esme. Esme in turn told me and I've had knowledge of this for a few months now. This vision of hers pertains to you."

"Is this the secret you were talking about?" Bella asked, her dark eyes staring up at me full of question.

I had to briefly look away from her gaze. Seeing Bella like this, so near and so alive sent fear through me that this might be the last time I would see her this way. "Oh, Bella," I sighed retuning my eyes to her, "Alice saw me saving your life one day. That was all she told Esme. I have no idea what exactly the vision entailed, because Alice never gave that information away. She was worried that it might influence my choices in life."

Bella pulled away from me slightly, "Is that why you wanted to help me after Edward died, because of Alice's vision?"

I was reluctant to tell her the truth. Would she think less of my love if she knew that it all had sprung from a request of Alice and not truly from my desire to help her? Already I could feel a tiny form of melancholy reverberating throughout Bella's body.

"Bella, you have to know that whatever my intentions were or what brought them about in the beginning, it does not have any bearing on what eventually happened between us. Yes, Alice wanted me to watch after you, but I knew from that instant you first offered to stay the night with me the day we went into Alice's room together, that I had fallen in love with you. It was something that had been growing in me during our first few weeks together and that one moment sealed it, although I did not tell you of it until that night in the meadow."

I reached down and moved my thumb against her chin, like I had the day of the funeral when I first offered to help her through her pain. I remembered my touch causing her to recoil back then, but she showed no such aversion like that to me now, "I am still in love with you, Bella, so much so that I can't bear the thought that you might be in danger. So, I am asking you to promise to do whatever I ask of you. Whatever is going on with the pack, Jacob or Sam, I need you to trust me."

"Of course, I trust you, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to say I will do everything you ask me to. For all I know you are probably going to tell me to stay here while you go off to fight with your family. Screw that! I'm staying with you no matter what, Jasper. You can't stop me." Bella's voice took on an authoritative tone as she talked and I did not know whether to be angry or laugh.

The girl certainly had come a long way since the time we first met. She was so timid and frightened when Edward first introduced her to me and now as I looked at her, the features of her face scrunched up into what she referred to as _Bella's bitch face_, I decided just to sigh and let it go. So, it had come to this. If I couldn't keep the girl from interfering, I would just have to find another way to solve the issue.

"Alright, let's get going." I grumbled.

We both walked hand in hand out into the hallway and I tried to ignore the curious stares of the people we passed. Most of them were undulating incredulous emotions, probably wondering why I was with the reclusive Bella who in the past hadn't been around anyone, but Angela. Although, I noticed and felt that a few of those looks were amorous. I could only assume that our love making from before hadn't gone unheard by those nearest to Bella's dorm room. Despite my despondent disposition about everything we were about to face, a soft chuckle rumbled in my throat as I remember the loud screams Bella had released during our time together. I only hoped that I would have many more opportunities to bring out that kind of joy in her. I had hope and Alice's vision to give me a slight sense of reprieve. That was if I was only able to concoct a plan to get Bella away from me when we reached Forks.

"Where is your truck parked?" I asked Bella when we reached the bottom floor of her dormitory just before exiting through the glass doors leading outside.

"My truck? Why would we use that? I thought urgency was the key here." She looked at me puzzled.

I knew she was right, but as we had walked the length of the stairwell to where we stood now a strategy began to shape itself inside my head. It gave me some insight into how I might get Bella to safety and away from me. Driving her truck was the first step. By doing this we could pull up to Charlie's house unassuming. It was a very indistinct idea, and I hadn't configured all the parts to it yet, but I did hope that our hour long road trip home would give me the adequate amount of time I needed to hash out the details.

We walked outside and the cold October night air swirled around us causing Bella to shiver. I pulled off my leather jacket to lend her, since it was really only a human prop for me. As a vampire my need for clothing was minimal. Then I placed it over her shoulders and turned Bella to face me, "Yes, it would be more efficient to use the motorcycle I came here on or even for me carry you as I ran, but the true key in all of this is to show the facade of normalcy. We don't want to risk having our situation mushroom out to involve anyone else and that includes your father. I have no doubt that he will learn of you being home, so it's imperative that we see him first and let him know you are alive and in your own truck before we head on over to my house to meet Jacob. It wouldn't be safe for Charlie to find out you have gone missing and then have him come barging into a scene that might possibly escalate. He could get hurt. I also doubt one phone call would suffice him either after all you have been through this year. We have to make sure he sees you."

Some of what I said was true and some of it was not. I tried not to dwell on the deception I would eventually enact on Bella or the guilt I had for lying to her. It was all for the greater good, I reasoned. In the same token, it was not lost on me that I was basically doing the equivalent of what Bella had done to me three months ago. I was lying to her as a means of saving her life. At least I knew my absence would be temporary. As long as I was able to confront Sam without her being near then when it was all dealt with we would be reunited. I could sense that Bella trusted me and this made the guilt inside me swell to larger proportions.

_I'm doing the right thing, _I reminded myself, trying to ignore the nagging of my conscious.

"I'm parked over there." She said, and we walked to her truck, her hand finding mine again, ready to face the long drive that would eventually lead to a climatic situation I only hoped would turn out for the best.

Much of our ride inside Bella's ancient vehicle was spent in quiet reflection. I drove, but whenever I was able, I reached out my hand to stroke her hair. I loved the feel of it against my skin, like silk threads between my fingers. Sometimes I reached down to stroke her leg in a comforting rhythm. Bella would return my gestures with a loving smile, but her mind seemed elsewhere. I did not ask her what thoughts occupied her brain and why she constantly looked forlornly out the window. I did not need to. I knew it, because I felt it. She was scared and nervous, but also curious. I wondered about this last emotion that took shape inside Bella. I did not have to contemplate long though for the girl eventually asked me a question that truly surprised me.

"Jasper," She said, turning her head away from the window and towards me, "There is something I've been meaning to ask you for awhile now, but the timing just never seemed right. Considering that neither of us knows how much of that time we have left, I'd like you to explain something to me."

"Anything." I said, and I truly meant it.

She pulled in her lower lip and gnawed the skin absently, "Do you remember that morning when you were in my room and you mentioned how you realized Alice and Edward were always right concerning me? You made a comment back then about how at first you had thought about ridding your family of me. What did you mean?"

The question had been one I remembered skirting when she had asked it before. I did not want to give her any cause to think me a monster, because when she learned what ridding actually meant, I was sure that there was no way for her to see me as anything, but the horrible creature I was. But, I had told her I would tell her anything. It hardly seemed fair to hold back now when our futures were so uncertain.

I glanced away from the road for a moment, so that I could look deep into her eyes, wanting to make sure she saw the sincerity there. I also made an effort to fill the cab of her truck with all the love I had ever felt for her. Then looking forward again, I spoke, "You have to realize Bella, that when I thought of ridding my family of you I was still very much a vampire ... well, I still am obviously, but something has changed inside me since we fell in love."

"What do you mean?"

I reached with my right hand and began to gently stroke the length of her thigh, "It's true that Alice taught me another way to live as a vampire, but we were still just that - vampires. This made me unable to fully sever the ties I had made with my former murderous self. I may have lived differently with Alice than I had with Maria, but the killer was still there, hiding inside my head waiting to intercede when it felt necessary. Bella, when you came along and threatened the life I had built with Alice, that former vampire inside me took over and told me that you needed to be killed. To even say those words now makes me sick to my stomach, but it is the truth."

I saw out of the corner of my eye, Bella reach up to cover her mouth in shock. I hated that she had to know this, but nonetheless I continued and anticipated that the rest of my story would soften the blow of my admission, "Things have changed for me, though since then. You have made that change in me. Tonight, when I went after that boy who drugged you, I was fully intent on torturing him. I would not kill him, but I would make him suffer. Then as I was about to attack, I felt a very human emotion stop me. I pitied him, Bella. Pity has never been an emotion that has come easily to me even with my empathic abilities and here I was feeling sorry for a despicable human. The experience was strange to say the least, but also comforting, because I knew where that emotion had come from. You have made me human again … not literally, but being with you and in love with you has made me see things in ways I have not been able to in a very long time."

Bella's hand covered my own, stilling my movement against her jeans. I turned to look at her and noticed tears trailing down her cheeks … those damned tears of hers that always made my insides feel like mush and put my emotions into turmoil. Instantly I pulled the truck over onto the shoulder of the road and crossed the distance over the seat divider until she was in my arms.

"Oh, Jasper. That story … it was just … just … it can't be possible that I was able to do something like that for you." She cried into our kiss.

"Bella, when will you ever learn your importance. Must I tell you again? You are worth it. You have always been worth it."


	50. Chapter 50

**Author's Note** - A bit of a change up with this chapter, which I think I will continue with until I reach the end of this fic in about 2-3 chapters. I wanted to convey both POVs, so we have Bella and Jasper's. Also once again thank you Aly! You are a great person to catch my mistakes, give me ideas and help me write a better story.

**Warning** - Soft M Material

* * *

_(Bella POV)_

I'm not sure how we managed it, but our positions in the passenger seat of my truck changed. In a matter of minutes we went from Jasper embracing me with his strong hold to our newer more intimate arrangement where my boyfriend had taken my spot in the seat and I sat straddling his lap. During the course of him comforting me with his calming kisses the level of intensity between us boiled over and mouth against mine had become more fevered. Before long our hands were finding areas of each others' bodies to caress along with our lips.

It almost seemed like second nature to me now. Jasper's body was still an enigma to my recently removed virginal status, but we'd had sex twice and had done some other things along the way. It all seemed pretty cut and dry, the sex. Jasper was educated in it and I was not, but he helped me through it all and I did hope one day to find the ability in me to not just lay there and experience what he gave. I wanted to reciprocate, but wasn't exactly sure how.

A thought came to me suddenly. I had tried on one other occasion to use my hands to stroke a certain part of Jasper's body, but he had stopped me before I was able to progress very far with my less than pure desire to touch _that_ area of him. I wanted to try again. The last time had been outside Angela's house inside the Porsche, when I was still very much a virgin. A lot had changed since then … perhaps Jasper wouldn't be so opposed to me fumbling my way through a sexual experience that was all about him for once.

We were still locked in our passionate display for each other to the point where one of Jasper's hands had reached underneath my T Shirt and bra and grazed the bottom of my breast. I sighed at the feel of the cold touch and thought it was now or never to make my move. My arms were placed around his neck, so that I was able to bring my mouth in closer to kiss him there. I quickly moved them away hoping that Jasper would be too locked in his emotions to notice. At first my instincts were right, he was deeply involved in feeling the whole of my breast to even sense that one of my hands was loosening his belt while the other reached underneath the material of his jeans. But, when my grasp eventually found what I was searching for, Jasper froze. His hands halted on me and then he removed them all together.

"Bella, please …" He hesitated, probably wondering how he could tell me to stop without hurting my feelings.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked, pulling my hand away with feelings of hurt and embarrassment washing over me.

"No, please don't think I reacted that way, because I didn't want it. The sensation was … nice. The warmth of your touch is something I enjoy very much. I'm sure you know by what you felt that I appreciated the feel of your hand there, but it was enough of a jolt to make me realize that we are both on the side of the road right now, visible to traffic and most importantly law enforcement. Let's not take this someplace that will most likely lead to a situation that cannot be explained away. Two naked people on top of each other is indecent exposure." Jasper explained, his hands coming to take mine.

"Couldn't you just confuse a cop with your Jasper mojo?" I pleaded half-heartedly, knowing he was right, but not wanting to give up on the chance to experience the feel of him again, to give him something that was solely from me.

"Would you feel the same way if the person coming to check up on us was Charlie? We are close to Forks, you know. Besides, we can't waste anymore time. As much as I enjoyed that brief sensation of your hand on me … it's something that will have to wait."

I cringed at the mention of Charlie, "Ew … why did you bring up my dad?" I said, the feelings of sexual desire draining in an instant from my body.

"For that reason right there." He laughed, "You are no longer emoting sexual energy towards me and that will most likely keep me from letting you continue with your little detour into my pants, because you know I did enjoy it. We just have to think straight. We have to get to your house before too much time passes us by."

Jasper was now lifting me with his hands, so that he was able to move back over to the driver's side and then he gently placed me back down in the passenger seat. "Tease," I shot at him, but my tone was sarcastic.

I was glad that even in our stressful circumstances my ability to feign snark was still in tact. Jasper made a noise like he didn't think I was funny and then started the engine, "Tease, huh. I think you have it mixed up, Miss Swan. You are not the one having to ignore an annoying pain right now."

I was incredulous, "Pain, but you're a vampire? I didn't think not going all the way with me would effect you the same way ..." My voice was faltering under the realization of what I was actually saying … sex or no sex, I was still a prude.

And as far as I knew Jasper was too, well maybe that wasn't the correct term for it. He certainly wasn't shy about sex. It had more to do with the time era he was originally from. Jasper was a gentleman and here he was discussing blue balls with me. My already red checks flamed even brighter at the thought.

"Bella, there is no need to be embarrassed. Aren't we beyond that after everything we've been through together? Besides, didn't my brother explain this to you already?" He was driving again and his eyes were focused on the road, but I noticed a smirk on his lips … he was actually enjoying this.

"You can't keep me from being who I am. I get nervous talking about things like … like … well, you know." I covered my face with my hands and shook my head, but Jasper only chuckled at my uncomfortable state, so I decided to just attack the subject head on, "Edward never spoke to me about stuff like that. Sex … sex and the anatomy of a vampire weren't subjects he brought up much if at all. Jasper, he couldn't even kiss me with an open mouth. He was too afraid his teeth would pierce my skin or the venom on his tongue would be swallowed by me. He wasn't sure of anything involving sex with me, so he avoided it."

Jasper was quiet as he contemplated my revelation and then after a few minutes went by he shook his head in a disapproving way, "Bella, I don't mean to sound uncaring or impolite, but Edward was a fool."

"Eh … What?"

"Bella, it was a well known fact to me, because of my history being around vampires who abused humans, that any amount of venom inside you would do nothing. It has to enter the blood stream for a transformation to take place and even then it would have to be a large amount. For example, what I gave you each time we made love wouldn't be enough. If he had only taken the time to talk with me about this subject then his unbearable struggle to not have sex with you could have been avoided … such a waste."

Jasper tried to hold back his annoyance, but I could hear it in his voice and a part of me, even if it was a small part, wanted to disagree and defend Edward, "Well, he was also afraid of breaking my bones or killing me during the act."

I saw his eyes dart tenderly towards mine and then back again, "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to trash Edward's name. I can understand his concerns, but if it had been me, I wouldn't have wasted a moment with you. I'm not like that."

"I know." I whispered, "You aren't and I appreciate that." I placed my hand on his shoulder and Jasper briefly smiled in my direction before bringing the truck to a stop.

"We're here." He announced and it was then that I noticed the familiar landscape of Charlie's house … my home.

I hadn't been back to this place since leaving Forks the night I broke up with Jasper. Charlie and I had talked on the phone and he occasionally visited me on campus, but coming back home was too painful for me to even think of. There was just so much association with loss for me here. Loss of Edward, Alice , and Jasper. Now I was back and unannounced. I knew Charlie was home, because his cruiser was out front and I had no doubt he had heard the rumble of my truck. _Crap_. Was I ready for this?

"Let me talk to him first. I have a few things to say." Jasper placed a hand over my seatbelt, indicating that I should stay in my seat.

I gave him a confused look. Why did he want to talk to Charlie without me? Was he trying to start a fight?

"Trust me." He replied and it was then I remembered telling Jasper that I would do just that, right after explaining that I wouldn't do everything he told me to, but at this moment I didn't feel the need to cause unnecessary conflict.

"Okay, I trust you."

Before exiting the truck, Jasper leaned over and his lips gently kissed mine. Then I sat and watched as he moved towards the front door of the house and knocked. Nervousness rocked me. This whole situation just did not make sense … Jasper and my dad alone. My mind couldn't think of anything positive coming out of this, but maybe I doubted Jasper's ability too much. I remembered how he had calmed my dad the day going to a counselor was brought up. He even made Charlie act a bit giddy after I said I would submit to his request. Maybe my vampire boyfriend was planning on doing something similar. Still, why couldn't I have been there? I sulked, knowing I was acting like a child, but at the same time feeling like I was being treated like one by Jasper.

It didn't take long for Charlie to answer. I could only assume he had been peering from behind the drapes of the front window and was just as anxious as I was to know why Jasper approached his house and left me behind. I held my breath as I watched an exchange between the two of them that looked a bit heated at first, but sobered suddenly after a minute or so. I saw my dad's eyes find mine through the darkness and I picked up on the worry in them. Jasper then handed him his cell phone and Charlie briefly talked with someone before handing it back to its owner. I let out another irritated breath.

_What the hell was going on?_

_(Jasper POV)_

As I was kissing Bella goodbye, knowing that it would probably be my last until the Sam situation was dealt with, I tried to remain as unwavering as possible. I needed to follow through with my plan. I had no choice. It was the only way I could keep her out of harms way. Although, it was difficult to ignore the pangs of guilt tugging at my conscience.

_Please, forgive me, Bella._

I relished that feel of her soft full lips on mine. They were so unlike Alice's and while I never would wonder which experience was better, I would admit that kissing Bella was one of my more favorite parts of foreplay with her. It was such a chaste form of expressing love, but for me it was the most intimate reveal from the girl. I could taste so much of her from just one kiss.

I pulled my mouth away from hers after a short time, not wanting to give Charlie a reason to barge out and exclaim his disapproval of my actions. I was already aware that he was eyeing us from inside the house and seething irritation. The kiss I gave his daughter only inflamed that emotion. Yet, I had to say my goodbye to Bella. I had hope that our situation could be resolved peacefully, but I did not know for sure. So, my kiss was essentially saying goodbye … goodbye for now.

Bella sent me an encouraging smile as I exited the truck, but I knew better. She was none too happy with my choice to speak with her father alone. I had to though. It was the only way for me to set into motion my idea for keeping Bella with Charlie. If she was near enough to hear my distortion of the truth, I knew the spitfire inside her would emerge and call me out on my lie. I couldn't allow that. As I walked towards the house I kept reminding myself of this, hoping my guilt would wash away each time I recited the reason behind the lie. Eventually, my feet brought me to the front door and I reached out a hand to knock. Bella's father had been watching from the large front window, a cold stare fixated on me, and it did not take him long to move from his potion there to the door once I knocked. The man swung it open, a look of disgust now covering his face. He did not even try to fake it with the pleasantries of a greeting.

He simply huffed, "What are you doing here and why is Bella still in her truck. I thought you two had … called if off."

He wasn't sure how to word the last part of his sentence. Only Bella, Jacob and I were truly aware of the intimacy I had shared with the human girl. Charlie could only guess that we had been close, but not enough to sustain a long distance friendship.

"I came here on your daughter's behalf. Something occurred tonight that I believe you will want to know about. Bella would have told you herself, but the situation is a bit embarrassing for a father-daughter chat." I spoke in a measured voice, trying to create an air of tranquility with my ability.

Charlie hardly seemed phased by it and continued on with his tough cop bravado, "You don't say. So, Bella felt it necessary to send a messenger that just happens to be someone she hasn't talked with in months. I doubt it. What's going on, Jasper?"

He pointed a finger at me rather accusingly, but I tried not to let it bother me, "Earlier tonight, Bella went out with some friends. Angela and Ben were there and another boy. He was one of her classmates and he managed to slip your daughter a date rape drug. Thankfully, I had come up that day to visit Bella and was able to intercept him before anything occurred, but Bella refused to see a doctor or file a report until she saw you."

I suddenly felt a burst of fatherly love spring forth from the man in front of me as my words sunk in. His girl had almost been raped. He wouldn't waste anymore time on trivial arguments with me after a revelation like that, but just to solidify the plan, I pulled out my cell and called Angela. She could give a second hand account making Bella unable of refuting my claim without looking like a liar herself. I only hoped Angela answered. Thankfully she did and as I listened to her make the extent of her night out with Bella at the café and then the events that occurred afterwards clear to Charlie, I was pleased with what she said. Everything was falling into place. I only had Bella's anger at my betrayal to deal with now. I hoped she would be able to understand. I didn't like that it had to be this way, but I simply could not let her be there with me.

Charlie didn't even bother to thank me or give any indication at all that he knew I existed anymore. Everything in the world disappeared except for his little girl who had almost been taken advantage of by another man. He raced to her truck and I knew my work was done. I quickly sent Bella an aching look, but of course she was not able to see me through the force of the hug her father now had her in, and so I headed on my way. If I was lucky the next few hours for Bella would be spent inside the Fork's police station while her father contacted men in uniform from Seattle. It would be inconceivable for Charlie to let the fool who tried to rape the sheriff's daughter go unpunished. And best of all he would not let the girl out of his site. Not after learning this.

I slinked off into the trees surrounding Bella's home and after I was a few paces away, where I knew my actions would not be seen, I began running at my normal vampire rate. Although, I did slow down a bit when I decided to call Carlisle and find out what he knew about everything that was going on. I wasn't sure if my family was aware yet about Sam. I mentally chided myself for not having called them sooner. My whole mindset up until then had been fully focused on getting Bella to safety. Now that this was accomplished, I could get to what was next in line of importance … my family.

"Jasper?" Carlisle's calm voice answered.

"Yes, it me." I replied, "I'm on my way home. I just wanted to make you aware what Bella told me tonight about Sam and the real reason Alice and Edward died. Sam killed them, because of our involvement with Bella and now, because of my relationship with Bella our family may be in danger."

_(Bella POV)_

This was ridiculous. Here I was trapped in this station while my father filed police forms and demanded action from other officers over the phone and I could do absolutely nothing about it. Jasper had made it very certain that Charlie wouldn't leave my side. He hadn't right out lied. He had twisted the truth which made escaping my situation all the more impossible. I felt hurt and frustrated with Jasper's betrayal, but what angered me the most was the manipulation of people … Jasper using Charlie's emotions for me and mine for my dad. I wouldn't put him in any danger and he wouldn't let anyone get away with almost putting my life—or virginity as far as Charlie knew— in danger. I had no escape.

"No! I want something done tonight! Go get that boy!" I listened to Charlie bellow into the receiver of the phone which was promptly followed by the loud repetitive thud of a fist hitting his desk multiple times.

I sighed, but then jerked upright in the uncomfortable plastic chair I was slouching in when I heard my phone's ringer go off. I pulled it out of my purse and saw that Angela was calling.

I had to admit that I was glad to have someone to talk to instead of spending my time worrying about Jasper and the fate of his family, but at the same time the little spec of hope in me that it was Jasper calling with information fizzled when I saw who it was on caller ID.

"What?" I snapped, not really intending to sound so harsh, but unable to hide my frustration with everything going on.

"Whoa … why so angry? I was hoping that making up with Jasper would have pulled you out of this grumpy slash depressed state you've been in for months." Angela half-joked.

I groaned, "Ugh … if only you knew."

But, then after saying these words I wondered … I wondered if maybe Angela would be able to help me. Maybe I wouldn't have to tell her everything, leave out some parts of the story like mythical creatures and such, but give her just enough information to get her to agree to break me from this place. I needed to get to Jasper and Angela might be my only hope. "Hey, how far are you from the Fork's police station?" I asked.

"Um, not far. I'm home right now, got here a few hours ago. I wasn't planning on going anywhere tonight, but what did you have in mind? What's at the station?" She asked.

"Me! And I need you to bust me out. My dad is acting extremely over-protective since you and Jasper tattled on Daniel drugging me." I tired not to make my voice sound accusatory, but failed miserably.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize that was confidential." She sounded a bit taken aback.

I sighed, "No, don't apologize … you didn't do anything wrong. Jasper was just using you to make it impossible for me to be with him tonight. The damn fool thinks he's protecting me and by telling Charlie about Daniel I am now stuck as my dad's prisoner and I need you to break me out."

"Oh …" She paused sounding lost in thought and when she spoke again Angela made sure to word her response carefully, "Does Jasper wanting you away from him tonight have anything to do with the Cullens and the Quileute werewolves?"

At first I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly. My ears must have been playing tricks on me. "What?" I asked.

Another long pause from Angela followed, which only made me think the worst, but eventually she replied with an answer that shocked me to the core, "Bella, I know. I've known for a long time. So, stop beating around the bush, cut the crap, and tell me what I can do to help."


	51. Chapter 51

_(Bella's POV)_

Time played tricks on me now. It seemed to pass very slowly as I waited for Angela to arrive. With a noisy Charlie still on the phone in the background to keep me company, I lingered by the window. The truth was it had only been 10 minutes since I spoke with my friend, but to me it felt like an hour. The torturous slowing down of time was made all the worse when my mind began showing me faint images of Jasper, injured, dismembered, with orange flames engulfing his motionless body. I hadn't seen Edward this way, but it was a mental picture I saw during my lowest of points. Now it was replayed to me … only Jasper took his place. After a few minutes his likeness began to blur around the edges until it disappeared completely. Then another vampire took shape, Carlisle, which then shifted to Esme until my brain left me mentally spent at having seen the whole Cullen family devastated.

I shuddered as I tried to will away the horrible pictures. This could be avoided. I just needed to get to them before Sam did. If he saw that I was unhurt, I knew I could reason with him … far better than a vampire could or even Jake, who by all accounts had probably been found out by now. I doubted Sam would stop and let any of them talk. It was up to a human to put sense into him. I was sure of it. I just needed Angela to get here, so I could keep my mental imagery from making the leap out of my head and into reality.

"Bella?"

With my mind completely occupied with all that could go wrong, I hadn't noticed Charlie. He had stopped speaking on the phone and made the move from his desk to stand by my side. His sudden presence caused me to jump and whirl around. When he saw my stunned response a large grimace spread across his mouth, "I suppose that's a normal reaction for someone in your condition." He reached out a hand to place on my shoulder and then squeezed.

"No, really Dad, I'm fine. I was just thinking and you caught me off guard." I tried to explain my actions away, but Charlie wasn't buying it.

"Well, it should please you to know that they finally found that ass … er um jerk who tried to uh …"

He was stumbling with his words again. This wasn't an easy topic for him and I decided to come to the rescue, "They found Daniel?"

"Yeah, apparently he's in the hospital with an injury to his … uh, area … that is … his groin." Charlie blushed at having to use such a provocative word, at least for a father to say to his daughter, and I found myself drowning in embarrassment as well.

But, I also had to stifle a laugh. Daniel had an injury that I could only assume had been given to him by a vampire. "Well, that's good to hear." I replied and truly meant what I said.

I was glad to know that Jasper had given him pain in the exact area he needed to feel it. Hopefully this would keep the perp from repeating what nearly happened to me earlier.

"Yep," Charlie said, nervously rubbing the back of his neck, "So, I suppose we should get you to the ER to be drug tested now. We will need that evidence in court."

I groaned. Here came the part I had been dreading. I was going to have to tell him that I had no intention of doing this tonight. "Um … Dad, do you mind if I take a pass on that until tomorrow? I think I just need to be with Angela. She's home and after everything I've been through I need a girl's perspective on stuff … no offense."

Charlie seemed to struggle with my words at first. I saw his brows furrow with concern as if there was an epic resistance to my suggestion battling inside him. "Bella … I don't know. I just …"

"Wait," I interrupted knowing exactly where he was heading and wanting to cut him off before he got himself worked up, "I get it. Some seriously bad stuff could have happened tonight, but it didn't, because of Jasper. It isn't nearly as bad as you've imagined it."

One of my dad's fists clenched and he raised it enough that I thought he might smash it into the window I leaned against. "If that boy had …" His voice faltered at the horrible idea of the almost-rape he couldn't speak of.

"But, he didn't. He didn't and I have Jasper to thank for that." I pulled down his clenched fist and then clasped my hands around it.

Charlie looked down at the ball my fingers created over his fist and I saw him begin to slowly relax like a weight was being lifted off of his shoulders. Eventually his hand followed suite and the tension left his clenched fingers, "Yeah … Jasper …" His voice came out in a mutter that I assumed meant he was talking to himself, "That boy's alright, Bella." Charlie's eyes came back up to meet mine.

"Yes, he is. He's done more for me than you can possibly imagine."

He nodded in response and I figured this was about as much as I would get from him concerning an approval for my relationship with Jasper. He had to have figured it out by now that I was dating another one of Dr. Cullen's adopted children. He may have been in denial about it before, but at this moment even my dad couldn't ignore the love he saw radiating from me when I spoke about Jasper.

"Dad …" my voice was quiet at first since I was still debating if I should continue with the subject I was about to broach.

"What is it, Bells?"

I gulped down a mouthful of saliva and continued, "You know I love him, right?" My eyes darted downward.

Charlie didn't say anything and I looked back up at him for reassurance. I knew I would continue to be with Jasper regardless of how my dad answered, but none the less the little girl inside me wanted her daddy's approval.

"Yeah, I kind of figured that out. What do you want from me … a blessing? Bella, I'm not going to be happy with any man that threatens to take you away from me, but …." He paused for a minute and the irritated voice he had been speaking in took on a soft spoken and encouraging quality, "if I have to say something positive about him it would be that you picked one of the good ones." He was uncomfortable with the ooey-gooey quality our conversation had taken and to break the tension, Charlie reached out and honked my nose like I remembered him doing when I was a kid.

"Stop it!" I hit his hand away and we both shared a quiet laugh.

"I guess I'll just make an appointment for you to see Dr. Cullen in the morning. You go on ahead and be with Angela tonight." Then Charlie tilted his head towards the window indicating that I should look out, "Your friend's here. Go. I'll be alright, just please, call me later to let me know everything is okay … do it for your old man."

I turned to look through the clear glass behind me and saw Angela's tiny Saturn parked out front with her sitting patiently in the driver's seat, "Of course." I replied facing Charlie once more and then gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before bolting towards the door. "Bye."

"Bye." I heard him reply as I raced outside, the door closing behind me.

"God that seemed like it took forever." I grumbled while taking a seat beside Angela in her car.

My friend rolled her eyes in response, "15 minutes tops. I sped all the way here too, figuring your dad is really the only cop that enforces the speed limit rule to a T and he was otherwise engaged. So, where to?"

I clicked my seatbelt into place and turned to face Angela, "The Cullen house; it's the only location I can come up with right now. I think if I get there then we can pick up some clues as to what's going on."

Angela half smiled as she pulled out onto the road and replied, "I'm sorry, I know how serious this all is, but why do I feel like I should be driving something called The Mystery Machine right now and your name should be Daphne."

I returned her smile with a smirk of my own, "Honestly, at this point in my life, with vampires and werewolves all around, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if I learned you were part of a group called The Scooby Gang and your BFF was a talking Great Dane. Which reminds me … were you going to tell me exactly how you knew …" I gestured with my hands in the air trying to come up with the right word, but failing and settling on something generic, "about this."

I hadn't pushed the subject when I was in the police station with a nearby Charlie who might just happen to overhear, but now that I was alone with Angela it was something that I needed to know. How long? How long had she been aware of the truth?

Angela cleared her throat and turned the knob down on her car stereo until only a mumble of the song playing could be heard, "Well, it wasn't something that came to me all at once." Angela began, her eyes still focused on the dark road in front of us, "I always knew something was wrong with them … the pale skin, the golden eyes … it didn't seem natural, but I never felt comfortable talking with anyone about it. The consensus was that they were freaks, but if I suggested anything beyond that, well, I wasn't about to give people another excuse to look at me weird. I was already considered a nerd … psycho wasn't a term that I wanted too."

"Who called you a nerd?" A sense of loyalty for my friend filled me and the urge to kick the jerk that had used such a hurtful word followed … it was probably Lauren.

Angela shook her head, "It's okay. I _am_ a nerd. It doesn't bother me when I hear people say it behind my back." She stopped suddenly and then chuckled to herself, "I suppose that would make me Velma, wouldn't it?"

I smiled at her comparison to one of the 'Scooby Doo' characters, "Just don't drop your glasses on the ground while we are out searching for vampires."

"Vampires … yeah right." Angela playfully scoffed, "You know as well as I do that old man Jenkins who runs the skeevy carnival is the one behind all this nonsense."

We both burst out into fits of giggles that lasted for a good full minute. It felt so nice to have someone that I could joke with about all the incredibly complex issues going on in my life. Edward had never been able to find humor in any of it and even though Jasper was less tightly wound than his brother my boyfriend's attitude was much of the same, "So, what eventually tipped you off that they were vampires and moreover that werewolves existed." I asked when our humor died away.

"Well, you actually." She turned to quickly glance at me with raised eyebrows, "I never moved beyond the mindset that the Cullens were extraordinary until you and I started hanging out. Bella, I was around you more than I had ever been in school and after awhile I began to pick up on things. Then when we became roommates it was like all these sporadic clues I had been collecting over time began to fit together into a clearer picture. Because, of your break up with Jasper you were unable to keep everything hidden inside anymore and it showed. Your well formed front of semi-normal life cracked and you became an open book. Unintentionally, I found out from you what I always suspected and then some."

"Me?" I gasped, "Oh, what a burden to give you. I'm so sorry. I never meant for you to know this … to be subjected to what knowing this means."

Angela removed one of her hands from the steering wheel and placed it over mine, "No, I'm sorry that you had to go through this all alone for so long without any outside confidant. I can't imagine what it must have been like, especially after Edward died and before Jasper came to you. Don't feel sorry for me. I can live with this knowledge, but I can't let you fight whatever is going on with these werewolves and vampires alone. I'm here for you, Bella."

"Thanks, Angela. I appreciate everything you have ever done for me and I mean that!" I said.

She playfully winked at me, "No problem … now you'll have to remind me just exactly how to get to Jasper's. I've only been there once and that was in May for our graduation party."

"Sure, but I don't want you to go all the way down the drive. I'd like to make my entrance through the trees. Jasper's not expecting me and it's hard to fool a vampire. I want to be as cautious as possible." I said which was followed by a sigh as the memory of that party came back to me.

So much had changed since then and, yet so much was actually the same. Back at the party, I was with Edward and his family was on the verge of fighting against an army of newborns. Danger was in the air. Now it was one rogue werewolf to contend with, but even with the numbers of our enemies diminished the situation was still just as threatening,

_(Jasper's POV)_

I could smell the blood mixed in with dog as soon as I was near enough to the house. Carlisle hadn't said anything to me about an injured Jacob and I had talked to him on the phone a mere five minutes before. Either my family wasn't aware yet or whatever was going on had just happened. It didn't matter which one was the case, because both meant human blood was spilled nearby. Even if it was saturated with the awful smell a shape-shifter like Jacob gave off, blood from a human was just that and everyone in my family, aside from Carlisle, was susceptible to its aphrodisiac-like pull.

I raced up to the front entrance and forced open the door as I yelled out Carlisle's name. My quick pace stilled at once when I realized my feet were suddenly standing in a tiny pool of blood which continued to smear along the hardwood floor and out of view into another room. My vampire senses wanted me to move forward and continue on in such an overpowering way that I literally had to force myself not to walk any further. I tried to focus on the here and now, pulling my mind from the dark place it instantly found after seeing and smelling the blood. A burn in my throat flared letting my instincts take hold, pushing me deeper into the house, urging me to make a search to find the main source of this spilled blood. If I found that then I could drain all of it. The fluid could be mine and I would fight anyone that tried to stop me.

"Jasper! Get out!"

My eyes had not moved away from the dark smears of red on the floor since I first noticed them, but at the mention of my name a slight recognition of who I was and the ethics I lived by returned to me. I looked away from the stained wood and saw Esme standing a few feet from me. Her usual concerned and loving face was now horror stricken and directed straight at me.

"You have to get out!" She ordered and then rushed at me.

The sight was somewhat disconcerting to see. Esme was usually such a gentle creature and here she was ready to fight a vampire that had many more years of undead on her. It almost made me smile at the ridiculousness of it all. If there ever was another one of my kind besides Alice who could pull me from the depths of my true nature then it was the tiny creature moving in my direction ready to take me out. When her body eventually crashed into mine, I reached out my arms and wrapped them securely around her in the tightest of embraces, "You don't need to do this, Esme. I'm fine. Seeing you kept me from reacting to my blood lust."

"But, your eyes were so black. Let me look at them." She was still fighting for me to release her even after my words of reassurance and I decided that if she needed proof then I would give it to her.

Moving my hands from around Esme's body, I placed them gently against the sides of her face and brought her eyes up to see mine. "Oh." She said quietly after holding my gaze for a few seconds, "But, just to be safe, Carlisle would like you to wait outside until Rosalie and Emmett can clean this mess up. We need to talk about what's going on."

"Is the smell not bothering them?" I asked letting go of her.

"Not like it normally would. It helps that the blood is that of a werewolf. All of us are too repulsed by the sickening stink it has." Esme informed me, taking hold of one of my hands and leading me outside onto the porch.

"The blood doesn't bother anyone, but me?" I sighed, frustrated with this revelation.

Esme's face returned to its usual concerned appearance. She was always so full of love for everyone and when she saw that I was upset she tried to ease my suffering, "But, you were able to come out of your need for it very quickly. That shows you right there that a lot has changed for you."

"I know … it's just that I figured after all this time with Bella … well, I had hoped she would have desensitized me some." I hung my head.

I could sense Esme was readying to answer my self pity with another heartfelt sympathy, but I needed to stop the course of this conversation and veer it back to what was truly important … Jacob's blood? My silly self loathing could wait. "Esme, what's with Jacob's blood? Why is it all over the front of the house?"

Esme wrung her hands fretfully, "He's badly hurt. Carlisle isn't so sure he will make it, but he managed to come here and warn us, at least that's what we think he's saying. It's so difficult to understand in his condition."

"I need to talk to him." I stated.

This wasn't something I was not going to waste time arguing about either. If Jacob had little time left then I needed to see him, so I could learn more and to also let Bella know that I had been at the side of one of her closest friends when he passed. She would need that comfort.

"Jasper, you can't." I heard Esme's voice behind me, but it was already too late.

I followed the trail of blood into the kitchen where I found Carlisle standing over the table there. My eyes instantly zeroed on the figure my father was attending to. Esme hadn't been overstating the seriousness of Jacob's condition. His blood was everywhere and when I walked up beside the table to look more closely at the dying boy it became clear to me just how much damage had been done to his body. Deep lacerations were carved out all over his bare chest where his vital fluid continued to mushroom forth. A bit of his red discolored the material of my sleeve as I reached out to touch his shoulder, which normally would have given off a searing heat, but now felt a temperature similar to my skin.

"I tried to stop him." I heard Esme whimper from somewhere else in the room.

"Don't worry. It will be okay.." Carlisle replied to his wife and then he turned to me, "If you have anything to say do so now. His life is coming to an end."

I was not able to respond to my father. The picture of misery in front of me filled my entire being with such grief that my attention could only focus in on Jacob and what his death would mean to Bella. "Jacob, who did this to you?" I asked, but already knew what his response would be.

Jacob's dark eyes rolled back in his head as he struggled to answer. Blood was spilling from his mouth when he finally found the last force of strength inside himself to push words out, "Sam … you have to protect Bella from Sam."

"Why … why would Sam hurt Bella?" I yelled.

But, there was no response … only a sigh and then my ears heard the sound of a beating heart coming to a stop.

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**Author's Note** - Sorry I had to do this, but a little epiphany bird told me to. It's not just me playing w/ your emotions either. This will help move the plot forward. Trust me!


	52. Chapter 52

**Author's Note** - I realize this chapter is not as long as I usually write, but I decided to split the final chapter into 2. After all it's been 2 weeks since my last update and I wanted to get something on here to tide you over until I get to the finale. Any feedback on this final part is extremely welcomed. Let me know what you think. It's always been my readers that have kept me going and I'd like your input on the ending.

Hopefully too much time shouldn't pass before I get the second part of this chapter up. I've made a promise to myself to really focus this week and get CHIC finished. After the next chapter there will be an epilogue and then I'll be done. Seriously a years worth of work is coming to an end. I can't believe it.

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_(Jasper POV)_

I stared at the blank faces of my family around me. It had been at least 30 minutes since Jacob breathed his last. The blood had been cleaned and also bleached from the floor, but beyond that none of us could come up with anything else to say or do, so we sat. Each of us took up space in the living room, since the only other place used to congregate, the kitchen/dining area, now served as a temporary morgue for a dead boy.

"I do not understand." Carlisle mumbled again to himself.

He had done this so many times now that I was starting to get annoyed. What use was it to say these things and be sedentary? Action needed to be taken; we all knew that, but deciding what to do was the part that remained a mystery to every one

"Why would he kill one of his own?" Carlisle continued.

"Who knows … but, I'll tell you one thing. I'm tired of sitting on my ass doing nothing. Someone better think of something, before I go run to the reservation myself and start ripping dogs apart for answers." Emmett all, but roared and I was glad for my brother's assertion … he spoke exactly what I was feeling.

"That wouldn't be prudent, Emmett." The calming voice of Carlisle reprimanded.

"He has a point, though." I chimed in, my voice growing irritated, "Us sitting here looking glum is doing nothing to protect Bella. Jacob warned of the danger Sam posed to her just before he died. We all know this, so why doesn't anyone have any ideas of how to keep the off-hinge wolf away from Bella?"

"Well, she's with Charlie. You told us. Sam couldn't get away with anything while Charlie is around. He would lay down his life for her." Rosalie said.

"Maybe that's what Sam is intending." Carlisle commented, "He's already shown he has a disregard for his own people … why would two humans matter to him. I gather he has no qualms about killing Bella's father to get to her."

"So, someone needs to get out there and keep an eye on her." Emmet boomed rising to his feet.

"But, what about Jacob? Someone needs to tell the Quileute's what happened … especially Billy Black. He deserves to know what has become of his son." Carlisle replied joining Emmett's side.

I stood as well, eager to get something accomplished and happy that things seemed to be finally progressing. "You would have to have proof. They would never believe Sam did this without a body as evidence. Emmett you take Jacob's body to the reservation and I will head off to Bella's. The rest of you can keep watch in case Sam looks to hurt any one of us here. Does this sound satisfactory?"

I was feeling the rush of strategizing again. It was what often kept me going during my days with the Confederacy. So much misery could be shoved aside if I felt useful in making plans to reach an objective. My goal then had always been winning each battle, but now it was making sure another one I loved did not die and it was more important than any other goal I had ever strived for in my entire life alive and undead.

I looked around the room at my family, each seemed eager to implement my approach of tackling the problems we faced … all except one. Three of us now stood, but one remained seated. Esme had been the single hold out, refusing to join us, remaining in the same position for the past half hour … sitting with her head down.

"Esme?" I questioned.

She looked up at the sound of her name and began to shake her head, "No, Jasper I don't approve of your plan."

"Why not?" Her opposition was confounding.

She slowly pulled herself up from the chair she had been occupying and then came to stand by my side, "I must tell you something that I would prefer to say in private, but since our situation makes it imperative that everyone know what I am about to say well, I have no choice. Jasper, everything that is happening to us right now is playing out almost exactly as Alice saw in her vision."

My mouth opened a bit in shock and I heard Carlisle softly ask, "What vision, Esme?"

Esme turned her eyes back to me after glancing at her husband and I saw in them an apologetic look, "I'm sorry I kept this from you for so long, but Alice pleaded with me not to tell you. I already spoke too much by mentioning the vision and I had to at least keep the details from you to honor my promise to her."

I placed one of my hands on Esme's shoulder and squeezed gently, "I understand your reasons why, but please tell me what Alice saw."

"Yes, of course," She nodded, "Her vision began with the interior of our home and blood staining the floor. Alice couldn't have known it was from Jacob and at the time she assumed that it was Bella's, because not long after seeing the red her image of the future transitioned to you and Bella in the forest. She recognized the area to be near our home. Bella was deeply injured and you were there to find her and carry her away to safety. Don't you see? You need to remain inside the house or at least nearby, because more than likely Bella is not with her father anymore. She has found some way to give him the slip and is on her way here to be with you unaware that Sam has any violent intentions towards her."

Esme words rang true to Bella's personality. That would be so like Bella. She could never sit still and wait for me to deal with our problem. She always found ways of involving herself in areas that I wished she wouldn't, but the girl was determined to put her life at risk for the safety of mine. I exhaled a loud sigh of frustrated anger. "What do you suppose we do? Did Alice give you any clue as to what needed to be done? Of course, she wouldn't have been able to see the wolves, but is there anything … anything at all that can help us?"

"Well, she did say when she saw you bring Bella inside our home that everyone was here except for herself, Edward and me." Esme was quiet for a short moment and placed her thumb against the hard skin of her chin moving it back and forth as if to aid her thought process.

All of us stared at her and intently waited to see if there was anything she could bring to the table that would indicate we all would come out of this unharmed. Suddenly her eyes shot up as if an epiphany had hit, "This must mean that I am the one that will deliver Jacob's body to the Quileutes. Don't you see …"

"No!" Carlisle interrupted his voice sounding more authoritative than I was used to hearing.

Esme lifted one of her small hands and placed it against the cheek of the man she loved. Gently she stroked that area of his face, "Please, don't fear for me, Carlisle. This is how it must be. You need to remain here and lead our family. The strengths of these three …" she absently gestured toward Rosalie, Emmett and me while continuing to stare at Carlisle, "will better aide you against Sam … Jasper especially. His mood manipulation will be your greatest asset. My only gift is love and the image I project of being unthreatening … both of these will help in conveying my message to the Quileutes."

The feel of love Esme showered upon her husband felt so strong that the sensation nearly caused me to leave the room. These were emotions I did not want to experience right then knowing that the one I felt the exact same way for was in dire straights. "She's right, Carlisle." I said eager to sedate the intense love I now felt from both of them by turning their attention back to the plan at hand, "Esme would be the least intimidating out of us all. They already despise me for my involvement with Bella and you for creating vampires. Emmett is too much of a hot head, no offense," I turned to look at my brother who just shrugged off my insult, "and Rosalie can be a bitch."

"Hey!" I heard my sister grumble.

"But, Esme has all of the abilities needed to take on this task." I finished, ignoring the annoyed mutterings of Rosalie.

"So be it." Carlisle sighed in defeat, "But, please Esme be cautious in everything you do."

Esme nodded and her lips met those of her husband for a kiss that made up for it's briefness with its intensity. I turned my eyes away to give them their moment in privacy

"Be careful, please" Carlisle voice was desperate as he spoke to Esme behind me.

"I will." She answered.

A minute transpired where I still looked at the closed entrance in front of me, but then the smell of Jacob's blood intensified and I knew Esme was near, no doubt holding the dead boy in her arms.

"I'll walk you out." I said taking my mother's hand when she moved to my side, Jacob's still form carried over her shoulder.

We exited together and upon reaching the bottom of the porch steps, I squeezed her free hand and looked directly into her eyes, "Thank you, Esme for everything. You have been my support system since Alice's death. You were the only one who truly understood and helped me find what I have with Bella. I will always remember that."

Esme grasped my hand tighter, "I will be here for you no matter what, Jasper. My love for you and Bella will never waver." And with those words she released her hold on me and I watched her run off into the dark distance.

_(Bella POV)_

I stumbled again and was beginning to rethink my not so thought out plan of watching Jasper from the woods surrounding his home. _Crap!_ I didn't even know if he was there let alone how I would be able to protect him from Sam if I remained lost in the thick trees around me. Had I not left my purse in Angela's car with my cell phone placed inside, I might have called my friend to come and find me. _Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. _Why was I always so incompetent at everything?

I was glad though that I had thought to bring along my keys which provided me with the tiny flashlight I kept attached to them. Because of this, I was at least able to see where I was going. Even so, the truth was the klutz in me managed to find every log, root, and brush to fall over.

I swore as my left foot caught on something and my body lurched forward. My attempt to reach out my hands to cushion the fall came just a little too late and my face smashed down hard on the dirt floor. The taste of the earth mixed in with the saltiness of blood filled my mouth and I quickly turned my head to spit out the grainy liquid. Great, just what I needed … to bleed. I managed to cough out a bit more of the nastiness and then with my hands against the ground, I pushed myself into a kneeling position. Yet, as I moved myself readying to stand there suddenly was a sharp pain in my back, almost like a foot was crushing me and I fell back down. This horrible sensation of pressure flowed slowly throughout me like fresh, hot blood and I screamed out.

"Good, you're already bleeding." A deep voice that sounded pleased spoke from above me.

I knew who it was instantly and the hot blood feel of the pain he inflicted chilled as my veins froze over with ice. _Sam. _I felt his two hands grab me around my neck and the heat of his breath poured over the side of my face as he leaned in to talk to me, "Now, you will find out exactly why it was wrong to involve yourself with vampires."

Then I felt the warmth of his hands around my neck slowly fade as he moved them to grip my hair and pulled. This caused my head to jerk backwards. "All this pain just to be with them, Bella? I thought with Edward dead you might learn, but then you had to whore yourself with another one. But, don't worry. I won't kill you tonight. I'll let Jasper do that for me. Let him kill the one he loves and suffer all the more before I rip him apart."

Sam sounded so self satisfied as he went on his little rant that when he finished, I wanted to call him every name in the book. The guy was truly screwed in the head. But, I never got the chance to express my emotions of hatred for him fully. I managed to squeak out the F word which was quickly followed by, you, before he flipped my body over and kicked me hard in the ribs. I cried out in agony and of course received no sympathy from my attacker. His face was barely visible to me in the dark, but as he hovered over my body waiting to make his next move that would no doubt cause me more pain, I could see the whiteness of his teeth as he gleamed sadistically at me.

My courage was beginning to fade while I stared. The look on his face was so insane and I knew that you could never win over a crazy person with insults. I had to think straight and say whatever might help me escape. I needed to play on his sympathies, "What about Emily?" I said, "Think about her. She loves you so much and is willing to be with you even if it means she might get killed. I can't choose who I love, Sam. It just happens."

The little thread of hope that he might have a soul left drained from me when I heard him laugh at my assertion, "Don't even compare yourself with my Emily. There is no similarity between her and the filth you've become, Bella. But …" He paused for a moment as if reveling in an idea, "There is one way I can make you similar."

Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw him retrieve something that flashed against the light of the moon. It did not take me long to realize what Sam held. I knew it as soon as he pinned me down with his heavy body and the cold metallic of a knife dug into the skin of my cheek. Again I screamed out, but he did not stop until there were three slices marked into my flesh. The smell of blood entered my nostrils as I felt the fluid ooze from the site of my injuries. I couldn't help myself then when I cried from the pain. It was all too much.

"Oh, don't cry, Bella. It won't be long until you're reunited with Jasper … probably in the next few minutes. I can smell him milling around in these woods looking for you." Sam chuckled and I suddenly felt my body being lifted and thrown over his shoulder.

_Stay away, Jasper. Don't come for me._

For I could see exactly what Sam's plan was … tempt Jasper with my blood, so that he would be the one to kill me.


	53. Chapter 53

**Author's Note** - So, yeah ... this last chapter is now a three parter. I know, I know I promised an ending, but I never really know who these things will turn out as a write. I can promise you all though that the next chapter (54) **WILL** be the ending, before I write the epilogue. So inevitably this story will be 54 Chapters with an epilogue. Thanks to all the readers that helped me with my writer's block after I posted the start of 53 in my LJ. I really appreciated it!

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_(Jasper POV)_

My mind was playing tricks on me almost like I was dreaming or what I remembered the sensation of dreaming to be like. I was out in the forest, searching for Bella, wanting to yell her name out, but fearing that if I did, Sam would hear and take action against her sooner. Whatever action that may be. Jacob hadn't been too forthcoming with specifics, considering his deteriorating state when I spoke to him. All I knew was that I had to protect Bella from Sam and so, I ran, my senses the most alert they had been since my search for Alice during the battle against the newborns. I was frantically looking for my love then just as I was now. The similarities were striking in the sense that apparitions of Alice's dead body had come to me all those months ago and here I was experiencing the same phenomenon. Trees were in my line of sight as I dodged them, moving along, but I kept seeing Bella in every path I took. Her body was always stained in dark blood. The brown of her irises appeared paler as life was escaping her, and her eyes stared neurotically at me. "Help." She gasped, but no matter how fast I ran towards her she was always farther off in the distance … too far to be reached.

As my search intensified, the image grew into something even more disturbing where I could see that her blood flowed from a mangled slice across the abdomen. It spilled more urgently than before in a continuous flow of red. I was far beyond thinking of her blood as something I desired. I might have hesitated with Jacob's earlier, but this was Bella. To see her bleeding profusely was something that caused me great emotional stress and I could not help but think my visions were somehow connected to the future. I had seen Alice dead and eventually came upon her remaining pieces soon thereafter. Now it was Bella and every sing particle that made me who I was called out to find a way of stopping the same thing from happening to her.

_Bella, Bella, Bella … wherever you are, please hold on … wait for me_.

There was a sudden movement to my right, causing some tree branches to sway and crack. I stopped in my tracks. "Emmett?" I asked, because his scent was near.

He came out from the thick forest to stand next to me. "Yeah, it's me. Come across anything?" he said crouching and smelling the ground, a tactic I had seen him use many times while we hunted.

"Not out of the ordinary. Jacob's blood is still tainting everything I smell," I replied. "I'm worried that it will make locating Sam's scent all the more difficult."

Emmett pulled back up into a standing position. "Maybe that was Sam's plan. Have the dog bleed all over the place to make it hard for us to locate the asshole."

Strangely, considering all the animosity I had been holding against Jacob, I felt bothered by my brother's use of the word dog. My feelings for Bella's best friend had exponentially changed since his death. I knew that he had used the last amount of strength he could muster to deliver his warning to us and I would be eternally grateful. The boy's last effort for Bella might just go on to save her life. I sincerely hoped that if there was an afterlife, Jacob had found peace in it.

"Yes, that may have been part of Sam's strategy," I agreed.

Emmett flexed his bicep muscles. "I'm going to head back and regroup with Rosalie, try to see if she's found any trace …" Emmett stopped talking and it only took me a second to realize why.

The feel of his sudden hunger was overpowering my ability to think straight. The whole of his eyes that were not already colored with white shaded over into the darkest of blacks, a color my own had been far too many times before. Finally the image of Bella bleeding now had a scent. I could smell it more clearly in the air than anything else and instead of becoming thirsty, I was repulsed. Unfortunately, I could not say the same for Emmett. He wanted the taste of that dark liquid to be inside him. The level of intensity of his thirst nearly had me wanting it, too, but Bella kept me from continuing on down the path of blood lust he projected. This was a person I loved deeply and no matter the desire I felt off of Emmett, I could not want it for myself. To drink the girl's blood would be to kill her.

"Emmett, leave here." My voice came out measured; I did not want to startle him in his state of frenzied lust.

"Waa … Wa … What?" My brother seemed locked in a trance.

"Find Rosalie and go home. Stay inside the house. Send Carlisle if you can, but stay away. Don't come back out until I come to get you." I kept my tone low.

Emmett fought a bit of resistance with himself, but then nodded and ran off. I could sense that Bella's blood had not been spilled all that long ago from somewhere near. The heat of it radiated towards me and I ran off in search of the smell of its origin. When I eventually came upon the area that contained the most concentrated amount of her blood, I stopped to investigate. Even in the dark I was able to see the stains of red against the brown dirt and the tiny droplets of blood that were splattered against the leaves of the plants closest to the ground. It was a scene reminiscent of an episode of some crime drama … only a dead body was missing. Bella's was bleeding, but not enough to end her life.

I fell to my knees then. The smell of her was so overwhelming. It was hard for me to take in. I was warring with my nature again… what my instincts told me to do. This was human blood. It was exactly the scent that should have created a desire filled fury within me and the reaction of my body mirrored Bella's 18th birthday. It was the same delectable fragrance, the same sensation of my mouth filling with venom while my mind envisioned drinking what made the girl human. And yet, it wasn't the same. I had gone after Bella then, before I truly knew her. This blood now belonged to someone I had come to love and I needed to control this urge that pulled at everything that made me a vampire. If I couldn't win over that part of me then how could I ever stay with Bella and be her partner? It was imperative that I move beyond my nature. I had no choice. Loving her was forcing me to break away from the selfish desires created that night I was changed by Maria. Bella made me human again. Her blood could not entice me. Bella would not die … not by my hand or Sam's.

With all my effort focused on keeping Bella alive, because it was the only thing that mattered to me … certainly more than any burn that tore at my throat, I pulled the night air in through my nose. Bella's blood was still just as strong, but I had managed to tame the wild desire in me. I was confident that even if I found her now, bleeding profusely like she had been in my vision, my will would be able to overcome my weakness.

Quickly I was off again … following the trail, her blood increasing in strength the further I went until I found exactly what I was searching for. Collapsed on the hard earth beneath her was Bella. The girl was unconscious, but still breathing with her body twisted in an unnatural way. She was alone for now, although this did not fool me. Sam had not simply left her here for me or the other members of my family to discover and ultimately save. I had no doubt Sam was near, watching, bidding his time and waiting for the right moment to attack. I should have kept my guard up and searched around the area a bit more for his scent instead of focusing on Bella, but the sight of her hurt and alone heaved a feeling of despair against my chest like my heart was constricting. I could not just leave her there, but did I dare compromise my ability to fight by letting my emotions get the better of my judgment? I stood idle for a few seconds more, debating my options, but eventually just as I knew it would my love convinced me to fall down to Bella's level.

"Oh, Bella," I moaned as I lifted her gently and then cradled her still body in my arms.

A trail of blood was seeping slowly down her right cheek, which had been disfigured by three long and jagged hacks. My hand instinctively went up to touch it and help close the wound by applying pressure, but I knew this effort was pointless. She needed bandages and stitches, something only Carlisle or a hospital could provide. I pulled away my red stained hand, but felt no desire to place it against my lips. In fact, I was fighting the urge to vomit, if that were possible. Then suddenly taking place of the nausea was another sensation that bubbled to the surface taking shape inside me.

Rage!

I wanted to hurt Sam … no, I wanted to kill him. Poor Bella, always in the way of danger when she involved herself with vampires, but this time her pain was not caused by my kind like it had been with James and Victoria … this was all done by the hand of someone who was supposed to protect her. Sam was twisting his ethics to form a new code for himself, one that would allow him to rid the world of vampires and those who loved them regardless if they were human or shape shifter. Edward, Alice and Jacob had been on his list and now Bella and I were, no doubt.

My body was trembling with the emotions of hate and vengeance, but I managed to push these feelings aside for a brief moment to tenderly place my lips against Bella's forehead, which was the only part of her face that was not smattered with her blood. "I will find him. You and I will kill him," I swore to her.

"Such a promise. Are you sure you should be saying that to her when there is no possible way for you to kill me?"

The voice, low and arrogant, caught me totally off guard. Just as I thought, my senses had been dulled due to my tormented emotions for Bella. I should have been able to smell him. Undoubtedly Sam had been near this whole time, but I had failed in picking up his scent.

"You know, I broke her leg, too, and hit her in the head pretty damn hard to knock her out. Stupid girl wouldn't shut up, trying to convince me I was wrong … blah blah blah." Sam snickered from where he stood behind me.

I hadn't turned my head away from Bella yet to look at him. My natural feeling was to protect the one I loved from Sam hurting her further. He would have to tear through me before laying another finger on Bella.

"So, this is what it has come to for you … killing innocents to further your own agenda?" I growled as I pushed Bella's body into me further, wanting to hold her this way and never let go.

"To be honest, I hoped that you would do the killing for me. I commend you Jasper for the amount of strength you have displayed tonight. I didn't think it was possible for your kind to not kill when blood was involved," Sam said and I could hear his footsteps on the ground as he began to circle Bella and me. "But I guess there is one positive from all this. You're so angry right now that you can't even use your false moods on me. All I feel is hatred from you. I don't blame you for it. I definitely earned your hate by killing that tiny thing you called your mate. It was so easy, too. She never saw it coming, because of course, I was a blind spot in that fortune telling ability of hers. How convenient. Now Bella will die, too, and you'll have to fight me fair without any special powers to stop me."

Sam was trying to goad me into letting my guard down. He wanted me to attack him with a blind wrath that would dull my memory of how to fight and thus make me easier to kill. But I refused to let go of Bella. I had to be strong. I had to keep my mind away from the reaction the dog wanted out of me. I refused to see that image of Alice again torn into burning pieces that Sam had created.

"Jasper, look out! He's phasing." The voice of Bella was so unexpected coming from over my shoulder that without thought that she had finally woken, I rolled myself on my back with Bella positioned above me and then stood, my arms thrusting the girl behind.

I pinned Bella against my back, my body creating a shield from the danger a phasing werewolf posed. "Are you alright?" I asked glancing once over my shoulder at her.

I knew full well it was an idiotic question, because of course she was not alright. She was bleeding from the damage done to her head, face and leg, but at least she was conscious. It was all I could hope for at the moment.

"Don't worry about me," she moaned, the pain of her injuries evident in her shaky voice. "Just let me go, so I don't slow you down."

"Never," I growled.

"Be reasonable, you need both of your hands to fight. Just put me down. I'll be fine!" she spat back.

Even in her declining condition the girl was still a spitfire. I sighed and turned my attention back to the enemy at hand. Sam's clothing now lay in shreds on the ground, having been ripped from his body during the transformation. In place of the man, who seconds ago had been ranting about killing, there was the massive creature I remembered from before when we had both fought against a common enemy. Now we were no longer on each other's side and the wolf bore his teeth against me as a snarl erupted from his throat.

"When I place you on the ground, please stay still. I will try and keep him occupied and away from you, but it's better not to bring his attention back to you," I whispered to Bella as I began to loosen my hold around her body to delicately place her softly against the ground.

But before I could get any further along, my attention was suddenly brought to another noise other than the rumble of Sam's growls. Three figures shot out from the trees, with two moving in to attack my opponent and one coming to stand by my side. "Take her away to the house. We'll come for you soon. Esme reached the reservation and the other Quileute wolves are coming to assist us." Carlisle's voice spoke into my ear.

The sense of relief I felt was so overpowering that my knees began to sway as a lightheaded feeling came over me. Was it possible for a vampire to faint? So much of my strength had been focused on keeping Bella alive and Sam at bay. Now I no longer had to hone in on that inner strength. Help was coming. Esme had reached the Quileutes and they were taking responsibility for the actions of their wolf pack leader. They would help stop Sam. Everything that had been building in me no longer was needed, but it still was in search of an outlet. I tried to focus, but my mind was fading in and out … this wasn't possible … vampires couldn't faint … could they?

I had certainly never seen it happen before and I had been exposed to my share of vampires that were under duress during my time with Maria. My arms were shaking and inadvertently Bella slipped from my grasp. I heard her gasp and then a thud. She cried out in pain, catching the attention of Sam. The darkness of his wolf eyes shot in her direction and I heard a roar from him as he shook off the attacks of Rosalie and Emmett. Then I only heard my own yell as he lunged at Bella.

_(Bella POV)_

I was aware that I was surrounded by many voices, but none had an image to go along with their flurry of musical bell-like frenzied whispers. I heard them speak about me, but I was unable to find them to respond. My body was immobile and my sight gone. I was only able to be in this world of half existence and observe from my incapacitated state, but not join in on the decisions that were being made about me.

"No, I will not let you change her. Alice's vision specifically had me saving her life. To make her a vampire would not be as she saw. Besides, Bella already told me once that she did not wish to become one of us as she had during her time with Edward." Jasper's voice was shaking and full of emotion.

_Didn't you know that I only told you that to push you away? I want to be with you Jasper forever._

I felt Jasper's feelings reach out to me. His love and fear mingled together in a swirl of emotions that caused my heart to beat faster. I tried to draw out of myself and say his name, anything to let him know that I could hear and had no problem becoming like him, but my body refused to cooperate. It was like my spirit had already left my body and could only listen to the words of her loved ones, before moving on to another world.

Carlisle's voice came from somewhere beside me, and he talked to Jasper in a quiet, careful tone to calm him into seeing reason, "If you do not let me change her the blood loss from her abdomen wound will certainly make her bleed out and she will die."

"And Alice did not specifically say Carlisle's wouldn't change her. She only saw you bringing her into the house." Esme spoke, trying to convince Jasper of following the same path her husband had chosen for me.

I suddenly felt my limp body being lifted into strong arms that held me against a solid chest. I knew the scent of him right away and felt my head move slightly as I leaned into Jasper.

"You see she still has some life in her." Jasper exclaimed, "Her head just moved. If I can manage to get her to a hospital where a blood transfusion can be performed …"

"Very well," Carlisle's voice was curt, "I'm not willing to fight you on this any longer. I'll find a way for you to get into the hospital undetected. Esme you stay here, so the Quileutes will have someone to confer with when Sam is eventually taken down."

There was a brief silence among us that was quickly followed by a velocity I remembered from before when Jasper had carried me to the meadow. The day we had finally spoken of our love for each other. My vampire was running now just as he had then, with me in his arms, although now we were on our way to a much different place, one that would allow him to keep me human. I honestly didn't care what happened to me at this point … human, vampire … it was all pointless if I died. My only concern through the pain of my injuries and the horrible flashes of a recent memory that involved torture by Sam, was that I remained alive … and with Jasper.


	54. Chapter 54

**Author's Note** - Okay, I suck. This is not an ending and I apologize. You have my promise that there will be no more promises for an ending. Just know it will be soon ... very soon.

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_(Bella POV)_

It was dark and had been for a long time. My mind would occasionally pick up things now and then, but the black was always surrounding me with its all encompassing suppression. Sometimes there would be a voice … particularly Jasper's, which I would hear talking to me. Other times it would be my dad. He mumbled a lot and most of it was incoherent, but I always felt the faintness of a kiss on my cheek right before he left.

I still could feel things that touched me. My senses were not lacking. I was simply unable to respond. My body was dead weight. I was there … somewhere, but much of what I experienced was muddled down by my incapacitated state. With this ability to feel there also came along with it a terrible pain at times. The ache of my abdomen would come and go. I assumed this fluctuation had to do with the narcotics I was being pumped with. When it was low and Jasper was near he would call out for Carlisle telling him he could feel my pain. The sensation of knives piercing my lower stomach would always dull soon thereafter.

Time really had no meaning to me as I floated in and out of this blackness. It could have been months or even years. I had no way of telling. I only knew that Jasper was the only constant in my semi-realized life now. His words of love as he gently stroked my cheek or pressed his cold lips against my still ones, kept me the most alive and willing to hold onto my life in this world. I could have left and on many occasions as I lay motionless on what I assumed was a bed, there would be a mental nudging telling me that I should find another way of existing. It wasn't a voice or even a bright light urging me to pull myself from the shell I remained in. It was more of an emotion and I often wondered if maybe this was Jasper super imposing his desires onto me. I knew that he loved me and wished I would wake. He spoke of his devotion on a daily/nightly/forever basis. But, I was also aware that he had on more than one occasion spoken softly into my ear telling me it was okay to let go and move on. I could never do this, though. Even if I died inside this body, I knew it would never be my doing. My injuries sustained by Sam would take me out … not my own free will.

I remembered very little from that night when my life had almost been taken from me by a deranged werewolf. As time went on I found it hard to recall much of anything beyond what I experienced in the here and now darkness. But I never forgot Jasper. The memory of him coming to my aide, holding me in his arms as if I might break, flowed through me just as if it were my blood. I held onto that image, willing myself to keep it close in hopes that he would one day hold me again like he had that night.

It still confused me as to why no one thought to make me a vampire as a remedy for my debilitated state, but then I would remember Jasper's words coming back to me like the sound of an old record that had been played too many times. I heard him talk about it the night I was attacked when I first came out of my unconsciousness even though the darkness had remained. He promised to keep me human. He didn't want an immortal life for me if it wasn't what I wanted as well.

Stupid vampire … stupid to have believed my words that day when I told him I didn't want to be with him, because I didn't want to be_ like_ him. I would always regret saying that. Not only had I hurt Jasper, but I had unwittingly put myself in the situation I was in now. My lie was what kept me human, incapacitated and unable to fully experience life with the ones I loved most.

Sometimes Jasper would leave my side, but he always left someone in his place. I often heard Esme humming during these times. Mostly her songs were lullabies and I thought it was pretty ironic for her to be doing this since to everyone else I was already in a constant sleep. But, I also remembered the story of the child she had lost all those years ago and it occurred to me that she might have been thinking of her baby when she hummed. Did she think of me as one of her children? Was she experiencing the same emotions she had when her baby boy died? This caused my heart to ache more strongly then I was used to. Jasper's words of longing to hold me again always twisted my heart in unnatural ways, but thinking of Esme's pain was like a whole new feeling. I wanted desperately to wake up and ease her pain, but nothing I did, no matter how much mental strength I used, seemed to work. This in turn made me want to cry in frustration and of course I couldn't do this either.

There was one point when Jasper started leaving for what seemed like longer periods. On one especially long absence, I began to get anxious through the sounds of Esme's humming, Charlie's mutterings and even the bawdy jokes Emmett told that he thought would shock me into waking up. My thoughts as fuzzy as they were locked in the eternal sphere of darkness, could still comprehend that more time than usual had passed. Jasper was not out for a quick trip to hunt. He was away and another ache that felt more like desperation filled my chest.

_Where is he?_ I tired to speak up to ask, but I could only hear a small pathetic whimper coming from me. This caught me off guard. I hadn't once been able to make any sound since becoming a vegetable. I pushed harder to make the noise I emitted louder. The amount of strength I put forth was exhausting. I hadn't used my mind so much in what felt like forever. As I struggled I heard a voice that sounded like Carlisle, call out, "Someone retrieve Jasper … she's moving and it seems like she might be trying to communicate."

Was I moving? It didn't feel like it. I just wanted to talk and ask where Jasper was … if something terrible had happened to him. But now I knew he was near. Carlisle had called for him. The strong push I had made to talk began to slowly fade in me. It was a battle I had been willing to fight, but once I learned Jasper was okay I found myself slipping back. I didn't want to, but the effort had taken its toll on me.

"Bella … Bella, can you hear me? Please, say something … anything. You haven't made any movements in months. You can't be coming out of this now and stop. Please, try to communicate with me in any way, so that I know you can hear me." Jasper's voice was frantic, speaking in an octave higher than I was used to hearing.

Months … had it really been so long. It often felt like it had, but I just figured the length was more from my mind and not what was actually taking place in the real world. It seemed like such a long time to have been psychologically away from everyone … especially Jasper. I pulled myself back up and tired to speak … at least to give him one word. It was so hard to find that strength again, but over time I located it buried underneath all the nothingness I lived in and made my biggest effort yet, managing to squeeze Jasper's hand that was clenched tightly around mine. I heard him sigh in relief and I was glad that I could give this one thing to sustain him until I was ready to make another attempt. For now though I had to slowly fall back down into the black.

_(Jasper POV)_

I brushed a lock of Bella's hair away from her brow and heaved a sigh of sadness. She was gone again, but at least I had been able to feel a connection this time. Mostly the emotions I felt coming from Bella were muted. Pain was really the only one that had ever resonated with me, although, that emotion had been early on, when her injuries were fresh. Now that her body had healed, I no longer was able to feel much of anything. This made her situation all the more frustrating for me since emotions were how I connected with people. If I could not find her emotions then it was as if Bella had died.

It broke me to see her this way. Each time I looked at her still form it brought back images of seeing her alive, vibrant and in love with me. True, I had stayed by her side during each night that she slept after Edward's death, but it was different than what I saw now. Bella was not sleeping like I remembered. She was gone or at least my mind had shifted into that line of thought up until she had squeezed my hand a few moments before. As her fingers gripped mine, I felt a jolt of emotional energy surge from her. It was like panic and love mixed all together and having not experienced anything remotely close to Bella's emotions in a long while, I quickly pulled the sensation into me and trapped it there. I wanted to hold onto it for as long as possible and to remember what it was like to feel her.

"It would appear that she has fallen back into a state of unconsciousness." Carlisle spoke from the doorway.

"You think?" My voice came out as harsh as I had intended it to be.

My father and I hadn't exactly been on decent terms since Bella had fallen into her coma not long after her rushed blood transfusion at the hospital and then eventual return to our home, which is where the girl remained to this day. Since that event all those months ago, Carlisle had not been shy about his wish to bring Bella out of her debilitated state by changing her. It was a wish all of my family shared with him, but of course since Carlisle was the patriarch he felt it was his duty to be the one to convince me. This meant that without fail he came to me most everyday and laid out his explanation as to why things would be better for everyone if Bella was a vampire. I had no doubt that the development of Bella nearly coming to, but eventually falling back down into her lifeless form would be another excuse for him to give me his well rehearsed speech.

But what Carlisle didn't understand was that if I allowed Bella to be changed and she despised me for letting that happen to her, it would be worse than losing my love to death. I could never spend an eternity experiencing her feelings of anger towards me. Even if these emotions waned over time the fact remained that a vampire's memory was sharp. She would never be able to get it out of her head that I had not been there to fight to keep her as she was … a desire she had explicitly expressed to me that day in her room after we made love for the first time. No matter what my family said I would keep Bella human, because I loved her and would do as she wished. The others did not have the same knowledge as me though and could only see it from their point of view. Everyone wanted Bella back and if she were made a vampire it was all the better. We could finally be a complete family. But since I was the one that stood in their way there had been a lot of tension in our home. It began not long after Charlie agreed to let his daughter stay with us under Carlisle's care … when the realization that Bella might not wake first dawned on us.

"Jasper, I was not going to argue with you about Bella. I simply wanted to offer my condolences. Having her so near to waking must have been hard to experience." My father said gently.

I barely acknowledged him and instead placed my hands over my face and slowly dragged them down over the skin. He was right. I felt wretched. "I need to leave again. I have to finish the song and cannot be here in this room seeing Bella like this." I spoke in a monotone voice.

"Yes, of course. I'll stay with Bella. Go ahead." Carlisle responded from behind me where he had quickly moved.

I ran with blinding speed to where I had been before, outside on the porch. My guitar was waiting for me, pushed into a lump of fresh snow that had formed the night before. Although, the approaching Spring warmth had quickly made the snow sticky and pliable, perfect for creating a little nook for my instrument to sit in. Placing myself besides the guitar, I took it in my arms and began to play the music I had been struggling with for weeks to write. It was supposed to be a testament of my love for Bella. I had written her a song before, but that one had been more of a ballad. Now I wanted something that sounded upbeat and positive … something that would help pull the girl from her eternal sleep, but unfortunately I struggled. My own emotions of distress over Bella always seeped into my brain causing the notes and chords I played to sound melancholy. That was the reason I now came outside to work on her song. When I was near the girl, seeing her so broken only caused to further my distress. Once away from her room the stifling heartache ricocheting inside me felt less intense, but it was still there … always there. Nevertheless I had a new hope in me that my song would find its voice today, because I was able to bring something new to the table. Bella's emotions from before still echoed in me and despite the fact that they were slowly beginning to fade, I tried with all my strength to transfer the essence of the girl into my fingers and then eventually to the guitar.

I worked without stopping, on through Charlie's consistent nightly visit and his eventual departure around 10:30pm. He always managed to thank me every time for having been the one to find Bella hurt in the forest and I always replied with a nod of my head. If only he knew the reality of what happened … that I had been the one to put Bella in harms way by being a vampire. I'm sure his words of gratitude would cease. I shook my head and tried to keep myself from digging further into this mindset; it would only hinder me from my task. I was determined to finish Bella's song and if I felt self loathing then it would without doubt seep into my music. That was unacceptable.

It was sometime after 11 at night when my finger's finally stilled against the strings of my guitar. I hadn't finished the song, but instead heard a car coming down the drive. This was not unusual, to hear a car so late at night. Carlisle often worked well into the evenings when he was employed at Fork's only hospital, but this had been before Bella's run in with Sam. Now he tended to her most hours of the day and night. My father had quit his job to be the girl's caretaker. Ever since then my expectations of hearing the sound of an engine near the house after Charlie's cruiser pulled out onto the main road ceased.

The car I heard now was a vehicle I had little knowledge of. I wasn't exactly a man about cars, that was more of Emmett's thing, but over the years I had come to recognize the sounds each car, truck, and motorcycle my family owned made and then of course there was Bella's truck. That piece of work could never be mistaken for anything else. I listened in more closely and realized the vehicle driven was small and then just as the type of car struck me, I saw the Saturn come down the drive and park in front of the house. I watched as a tall wispy figure exited the driver's side and began to walk towards me. It was someone I hadn't seen in quite awhile … one of Bella's closest friends.

"Angela." I spoke out, placing my guitar to the side and rising to greet her.

The last time Bella's friend had made an appearance at our home there had been Christmas decorations littering the house. She had visited then and also right after Bella was attacked by Sam, but eventually her studies at the University kept her away. It must have been Spring break, I mused.

"Jasper." The girl seemed shy and when she said my name her eyes turned downward.

"Is it Bella you want to see?" I asked, assuming this could be the only explanation for her unannounced visit.

Angela shook her head and then turned her gaze back up to meet mine, "Actually, I wanted to talk to you."

I looked at her, no doubt my face conveying the confusion I felt. Angela and I had always been friends by association. We both loved Bella therefore we knew each other, but that did not mean I knew enough about her to feel comfortable having a one on one conversations with the human girl. I tried to ease out of the perplexed look that was covering my features and nodded politely, "Yes, of course, what would you like to talk about?"

Angela nervously shifted her weight back and forth between the balls of her feet, "Can we go in my car or somewhere that's warm that isn't your house? I'd like this to be a private conversation, but also not freeze my butt off at the same time."

I nodded and then indicated with my hand the garage. I knew no matter where we went my family would still be able to hear, but of course Angela wasn't aware of all our extra sensory powers. "The garage is heated." I told her when she sent me a funny look.

A few seconds went by where she debated and then slowly agreed to this by saying, "Okay."

I led the way down the stairs and around the house to the large building set adjacent to where we lived. Then once we were inside the expanse containing rows upon rows of vehicles, Angela quickly poked her head outside the door to see if anyone had followed us. When she was satisfied that we were truly alone, the door was locked behind us. She also made an effort to lock the door leading into the house from the garage. This girl was thorough. Whatever she needed to say it was something he wanted to share exclusively with me.

"So … why all the privacy?" I tried to sound nonchalant.

Angela's eyes were down and I could feel a bit of uncertainty coming off of her. I sensed that she wanted to confront me about something, but what that something was … well, it wasn't quite clear. A whole five minutes eventually ticked by where nothing was said between us, only the sound of her breathing could be heard.

"Angela?" I asked trying to prompt the girl into speaking.

Her silence was a bit annoying. I had things that needed to be accomplished and here she was leading me into seclusion just to stand in front of me saying not a word. Thankfully her head shot up after I spoke her name and as she adjusted her glasses, I felt a sense of resolve wash over her.

"Look. It's been five months, Jasper. I thought maybe you needed time to grieve her, but enough is enough. Why is Bella still up in that room, in a coma?"

"Uh … what?" It was impossible for me to mishear, but I had to admit I was unable to comprehend Angela's strange choice of words.

"Stop it. I'm no good at playing the authoritative card. I hate having to speak up, but this is about my best friend and I won't let her stay a vegetable when we both know there is another alternative … one that both you and Bella want. So, tell me why is she still human. Why haven't you changed her and faked her death for the human world. Why is she in a coma when she doesn't need to be?"

I suddenly grasped what Angela had been trying to say before. All the privacy between us was her effort to protect herself. She didn't want my family to know she was aware of our secret … that we weren't mere humans, "Bella told you?" My words came out sounding like a statement rather than a question.

"Not the vampire part … well, she did, but that was while she was talking in her sleep." Angela had lost her gumption and was stumbling around for the right words again, "But before she left me to go see you, before she was attacked by Sam …"

I sent her a shocked glance.

"Yes, I know about that too. Well, I assumed … Bella gave me the details between you and the wolves right before she left to go find you, but she also told me something else … it's something that I think will help you make the right choice. Bella wanted to be like you. She had every intention of changing for you after she graduated from college. Well, that's no longer an option right now is it? She's upstairs in a coma and needs to be rescued from that. You have to change her, Jasper!"


	55. Chapter 55

**Author's Note** - I want to apologize for how long it took me to get this chapter out and damn it ... it's still not an ending. lol Sorry for that. Sometimes life takes over and the fic has to wait. Thanks to all who read this that have stuck around with me.

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(Jasper POV)

Following our talk … well, to be more precise Angela's pleading for me to take action while I listened, the girl went in to speak with Bella and I marveled at the bravery she put forth to do this. For the past few months she had known. Angela had known that everyone in my family was a vampire … creatures that were capable of killing her if they so chose. I was sure that some of her apprehension had been eased by the simple fact Bella had remained alive during not just one, but two romantic relationships with vampires from our family. Yet, it still took a courageous person to place themselves in such a compromising place. I watched from outside the room as Angela pulled a chair up besides the bed and talked to Bella as if she were awake … the way I did. She stayed well into the night and when she walked out through the door frame the girl asked me to join her. I followed along with my head down hoping to avert the curious stares of my family members. They all had heard Angela's request that I allow Bella to be changed. No walls of the house we lived in were thick enough to keep a vampire from eavesdropping. So, they were aware and now anxiousness took over … I could feel the thickness of that one emotion blanketing the air. Each one was hoping the exact same thing … that I would follow through with what Angela wanted me to do.

"Please, remember what I told you." Angela said when we eventually stopped outside in front of her car.

Her voice was tinged with the nervousness she had displayed earlier while trying to change my opinion. "I will." I replied with a nod and Angela leaned in as if she might hug me, but then became embarrassed.

Quickly she pulled her body upright and away from mine, before moving with a speed that almost resembled a vampire. I watched in silence as the girl entered her car in a rush and drove away. Poor Angela. It had been so draining for her to confront me and then also see Bella in the same night. Her nerves were shot even before she walked up the porch to seek me out. I had felt it the entire time she was near me and the courage she had put forth to do what she felt was right for her friend would always stay with me.

After watching the car's taillights dim in the distance, I took off running. As my feet brought me through the forest, I thought about the one question that hadn't left my mind since Angela placed it there. Could I change Bella? I knew what Angela spoke was the truth. It wasn't fair to leave the girl in an incapacitated state when there was another option. In a way there was some selfishness in my reasons for keeping Bella human. Essentially it was a fear of the backlash my love might display against me if she didn't come to accept her newborn status.

But, there was also another underlining fear that kept me from proceeding. My past experience with newly changed vampires gave me a familiarity that the others in my family did not have. Yes, Carlisle had changed four humans, but I had changed hundreds. I had seen what happened to those whose minds were not capable of pulling through with the venom. These unlucky newborns were distressed and rabid … they never made it past their first days of being reborn. Like diseased livestock they eventually had to be put down. If Bella's mind was not willing to go along with the change … if she was holding back like I thought she might, then there was the slight chance that this might happen to her. Could I allow this probability? But, then what was the alternative? Let Bella sleep forever. Stand back and watch her body age and die naturally. No one wanted that. What we wanted was for her to wake up, but months had gone by now with little to no change. I was the only one standing in the way of having Bella with us all again. Of course, this would leave out the other humans in Bella's life, but even Angela knew this and did not care. She just wanted the relief of having her friend living even if that living was in a world of the undead.

I felt my resolve at keeping Bella human begin to wash away along with the cold rain that pelted my skin. I looked at the droplets as they hit the wet snow beneath my feet and studied the way it transformed the white into muddy slush. Bella was helpless against the world in her position. She could do nothing, but silently wait for a change … a change that I would no longer keep her from. Enough time had been wasted already and once, my mind was made up, I no longer lingered in the thick trees, but moved with all the force contained within me until I was back inside the house. Carlisle was the first person I came in contact with, "I'm ready." I exclaimed, "I'm ready to change Bella."

(Bella POV)

There seemed to be a sudden surge of energy moving around me now. I heard voices talking here and there using a speed that was familiar to me, only because Edward had used it many times before. It was always when his emotions, whether they were anger, sadness, or frustration, got the better of him. I was pretty sure that if the Cullens were not living among humans and parading as them then their speech would be accelerated much more often. A good deal of what was said now flew out at such a high-speed cadence that I was unable to recognize more than a few words here and there. My ears perked at the terms change, treaty, and Quileutes along with a few conjunctions and prepositions scattered along with them.

Had I not been locked inside my motionless body unable to see, my mind probably would have been more apt at forming a reason for all this clamoring, but my exertion to squeeze Jasper's hand from before still kept me sedated. I was drained … so much so that the correct answer for what was going on evaded me. I only knew that things were not as they normally were. A tiny part of me pushed forth a memory from the recesses of my brain and I remembered a past experiment Carlisle had used on me. I considered it was possible that they might be trying another method of shocking me out of my coma like they had done with ice therapy from before. Although, that effort had failed to do anything, but make me feel cold and even more miserable than I already was.

After some time the hustle and bustle died down and my ears searched out for any indication as to what was going to happen next. It came in the form of Jasper's soft lips against my ear. He kissed the earlobe and then spoke softly to me, "Bella, if you can hear me I want you to know that now more than ever it is imperative for you wake up. You see, I was the last hold out on the decision to make you one of us … a vampire. I don't think you want this life, although Angela tells me otherwise. Still I can't help, but remember what you told me all those months ago. I have been trying to give you what you want; except I no longer am able, because Bella … I'm weak. I can not stand by and let your body remain dormant when I know you mind is not. Being without you since Sam's attack has been torture for me. Your absence in my life has left a gaping hole inside me next to the one left by Alice. Vampire or not, I'm not strong enough to bear the pain anymore. I need you back with me. For that reason, Carlisle has agreed to change you and the Quileutes have given their blessing on this matter considering it was one of their own to cause you to be in this state."

My heart skipped a beat as he swallowed and took a deep breath, "I have been working on a song for you. It's not finished, but I would like to play the sum of what I have. I hope by hearing this you will find the courage to either wake up or accept your fate as an immortal."

I felt one of his hands run through my hair a few times, before the coolness of his lips found mine for a brief kiss that I wanted more than anything to return. Then he stepped away. I knew he had gone to retrieve his guitar, because not long afterward the familiar sound of Jasper's fingers against the strings of his much loved instrument filled the room. As I listened to the slightly upbeat song, I tried to grasp the enormity of what he had just told me. I was going to be changed as soon as the music ended. In a weird and twisted way Jasper's song was almost like the final Jeopardy theme being played on the vampire edition of the popular quiz show. When the music stopped I better have made my choice. But, did I have a choice? I was unable to wake up. I had tried so many times before with all my efforts still leaving me a vegetable tied to a bed.

I honestly didn't have a choice and I focused in on what this meant. I did want to be a vampire. It had always been my goal while I was with Edward and then eventually I had wished the same after finding love again with Jasper. Still, I wanted more time. Before with Edward, I had been so set on becoming a vampire in order to be his equal. My time with Jasper though had been different. Experiencing his love and the way he treated me, I never felt unworthy of him. Through him I was able to see that I could find love and not feel pitiful when compared to my boyfriend. The two of us, though separate creatures, could coexist and make it as partners, at least for a little while … until my eventual aging set in. My plan had been to wait until I graduated from college. That way Charlie and Renee could watch their little girl finally grow into a woman and at the same time I would be able to truly cherish the last four years of my human life with them.

It was then that I realized something and it hit me with such a force that I let out an audible gasp. The sound did not go missed by Jasper and he immediately stopped playing his guitar and came to my side.

"Bella?" His voice was quiet and searching.

How had I been able to gasp when so many other times I had tried to do anything to communicate and was unable? It must have been the idea of becoming a vampire now. I didn't want it. I yearned for more time … to say goodbye to the ones I knew could not be a part of my life if I were changed. I tried to find that strength in me again, the one that had caused me to make a sound and alerted Jasper that something was going on inside me. I wanted to speak to him. He needed to hear me, because I knew that I was not ready to become a vampire.

"Bella, please … talk to me. Say anything." He was pleading with me now.

It was then at the sound of his emotion filled words that I felt a new force enter my body. The sensation surged though me and I heard myself gasp again as my body slowly returned to my own control for the first time in months. My eyes were hard to separate at first from the sleep that had encrusted itself between the lids, but eventually my blurred line of vision fell upon a face that was so beautiful I wanted to cry.

3 Months Later …

We stood hand in hand outside the restaurant.

After flying into Philadelphia only an hour before, Jasper had decided that we should move straight ahead with our plans. So, instead of checking into a hotel like we had originally discussed back in Forks, the two of us loaded our luggage into a rented car and drove down to the one place that held the most significance for Jasper and Alice. It was finally time for him to say goodbye properly… like I had done with Edward in the meadow.

Only after we parked and walked over to the corner where the little diner was supposed to be, I looked incredulously at the golden arches staring us down. Jasper saw my face and softly chuckled, "Well, it wasn't always like this, you know. Back when I met Alice here, this place was very much the classic diner you would picture a Humphrey Bogart type sitting in and drinking his coffee black. They tore down that memory of mine maybe 20 years ago and now in its place stands the same fast food giant that has a spot on every corner in the world."

"Does that make you sad?" I asked, turning to send him a sympathetic look.

Jasper shook his head, "I should be and perhaps if I were mortal the pain would be pulsating through me right now, but this is what is to be expected when you are a vampire. Life moves forward while my kind stays the same. My memory is good though and I will always picture this spot just as it was all those years ago." His last sentence ended on a wistful tone and I curved my lips upward into a smile.

He returned my grin with one of his own and then gently tugged on my arm as he began to move forward towards the glass doors with the big M across the front, "Feeling hungry, human?" He joked.

"For this? Not really, but if you want to go inside I'd be more than willing to tag along." I replied.

Jasper took me up on my offer and placing his arm around my waist he guided me into the crowded restaurant. Once we were on the other side of the door, the smell of grease instantly assaulted me and I had to fight back the instinct to cover my nose. I was never one to eat overly processed foods and being around these types of establishments always made me feel sick, but I behaved myself if only for Jasper's sake. He wanted to be here in order to remember and I would stay by his side just as he had done for me when I spread Edward's ashes. My aversion to the food wasn't such a big deal anyway when compared with the grief he must have been feeling. Although, all things considered, my boyfriend was managing his emotions well. So far I hadn't noticed any sorrow bleeding out of him and onto me. Regardless of how he felt now or whatever control he possessed at this moment, I knew the sadness couldn't be too far off. When it eventually took hold I would make sure I was fully available to help him grieve.

Slowly we maneuvered around the lunchtime crowd and found an empty booth. After sitting across from each other my boyfriend reached his hands over the table top and grasped mine. Then for awhile he just sat there, quiet, with his eyes closed and I began to trace my thumbs against the coolness of his fingers in a comforting way. Eventually after a few minutes passed I saw his eyes open again and the amber of Jasper's irises seemed to bore into me with their intensity when he asked, "How are you feeling?"

I shrugged my shoulders and sighed, because I didn't like where this question was heading, "Does it matter? That's not why we're here."

Jasper pursed his lips slightly, but then quickly relaxed his face, "It always matters, especially after what you went through."

I wanted to roll my eyes considering all Jasper had done since I came out of my coma was hover over me with worry, but I managed to push down this childish desire and replied, "Well, this isn't about me, Jasper. It's your time to heal wounds. My physical and mental injuries have been thought about enough by you, Charlie and pretty much everyone else I know. While on the contrary, little attention has been paid to you and your suffering. I don't want you to waste another minute thinking about me. Please, can you do that … please?"

I tried to keep my voice from reverting back into the whine I had always used whenever Edward acted overprotective of me just as Jasper was doing now, although I failed miserably. But, really was it so much to ask that the attention be on my boyfriend instead of me for once? Jasper's pain was going to eat him alive if he wasn't able to find a release for it. Back in Forks I had managed to keep myself composed and let him coddle and watch over me, but enough was enough. We flew to Philadelphia for Jasper … not me.

There was a silence between us that followed my plea for the focus to be shifted back onto him. I watched with nervousness as Jasper pulled his hands away from mine and then worry grasped my heart that maybe I had pushed him too hard. Did I just ruin this whole day for him by making a bad situation worse? My eyes followed his slow movements as he ran one hand through his blond locks and let out a long sigh. Then in one of his brilliantly fast movements, I felt the chill of his hands against my cheeks as he brought my face in to kiss my lips.

The rushed feeling of his mouth against mine caused me to blush at the unexpectedness of it all. I tried to shake off my embarrassment, but wasn't helped at all by Jasper who laughed softly at the obviously overwhelmed state he had caused. "Even after all this time … I can still managed to make you blush."

My eyes were turned downward, but I brought them back up after he spoke, "Well … it's just, do you realize that this is the first time you've kissed me since I've quote unquote woken up."

Jasper's mouth grimaced somewhat as I continued to talk. It wasn't a subject matter I had wanted to broach here and now, but after feeling his kiss my need to tell him how I had been feeling lately came pouring out in a rush of emotion. "I thought … well, I thought maybe you didn't want to be with me in that way anymore. You've been so overly protective of me since I came out of the coma, but more in a brotherly sort of way. You never touch me like you used to and then when we flew into Philly you didn't even want to bother with the hotel … I don't know, maybe I'm just being overly sensitive."

I lowered my eyes again to stare at a smeared glob of ketchup on the dirty table and waited for Jasper to reply. Only he didn't right away and panic began to build in me. He was quiet for some time and the silence felt like it was eating me alive. I pulled my bottom lip under my teeth and bit down hard to keep my anxiety from bubbling over. When I finally heard the soothing Texan lilt of his speech, I released a breath that I hadn't realized I had been holding.

"Bella, Bella, please look at me." His voice was drenched in tenderness and I hesitantly peered under my lashes at him, "Do you wonder why my sadness is not taking complete hold of me right now … no, let me start again … do you remember that time in your bedroom when I mentioned that we could help each other change our heartache into courage?"

"Of course, I do! I remember everything from that time … especially that." I blurted out.

Jasper's lips curved upward in an encouraging smile at my reply, "Good. I'm glad that you do, because it was a very important choice I made that day. I decided that I was going to open myself up to someone other than Alice and in the process this decision not only helped change my heartache into the courage to move on with my life, but I also found love and it is that love that comforts me today. It is so great that I feel no need to rip my heart open again at the pain of losing Alice. I have you and that's all that matters to me now."

He always was able to say just the right words to make my heat swell and yet, at the same time my boyfriend still hadn't answered my question about the physical part of our relationship. Why hadn't that returned? Then as if he could not only read my emotions but my mind as well, Jasper continued, "I'm sorry if I've not been attending to your needs as well as I should. I suppose mostly I was worried about how I might hurt you after all your body had gone through, but Bella I promise to rectify that mistake as soon as we leave here. I was completely unaware that you had doubts about how much I still want you and need you. In fact, I don't need to stay here another minute wallowing in the past. You are my present and future. Let's go. "

As soon as he finished talking, Jasper stood and I stared at him bewildered at how fast our situation had changed direction, "But, Alice's ashes …"

Jasper stopped me with a wave of his hand and a laugh, "Did you really think I was going to spread her ashes in a McDonalds?"

After the words were out of his mouth I realized how stupid the idea sounded. "Well, I … guess, I really didn't think about it."

"Silly, Bella. Just forget about all that now. Come on. I have a lot of catching up to do with you." A sly look covered his face and his lips curved up over his teeth into that breath taking smile that I loved so damn much.


	56. Chapter 56

**Author's Note** - So, I have finally reached the end. Over a year and a half and I'm done. There will still be an epilogue, but for all intent and purposes the main story finishes with this chapter. Thanks to all who have been with me through this. You will get your due. Don't think any of your support goes unnoticed or unappreciated. A thank you is coming at the end of the epilogue. I also want to thank Aly and Traci who had a big part in helping me with this specific chapter. Read - I suck at lemons and they got me through it.

**Warning** - Soft M material

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This probably wasn't the best way for me to be starting things off with Jasper again concerning our sex life … or lack thereof if I was being totally honest with myself. Here I was in a lavish suite in one of downtown Philadelphia's most prodigious hotels and instead of being with Jasper on the massive four-poster bed ready to pick up where we left off last Fall, I was standing on the other side of a door that kept me locked away inside the suite's bathroom. I wasn't sure what triggered the stir of nerves that eventually led me to barricade myself away from Jasper, but I did know what kept me there.

Fear.

But, my trepidation didn't lie with the act of sex. I had already experienced that with Jasper twice before. I knew what to expect. So, it wasn't exactly as if I was freaking out over the idea of a part of his very sexy very cold body being pushed inside me. That experience I remembered well and wanted more than anything to feel again. If I ever was going to be on the same level as my century old boyfriend who before me had been in a longstanding sexual relationship with Alice then I had better get started. So, why was I keeping myself from doing just that? The truth was I had no fear of Jasper's body and what it was capable of. He was perfect in every possible way and although, I had never felt inadequate when compared to him before, it was the thought of what Jasper would think of me now … after my body was broken. This one thing made me terrified and consequently kept me locked away from him.

The voice of Carlisle came back clearly to me now sounding just as it had the day I woke from my coma. "The lower half of your body was greatly damaged. I was able to keep you from hemorrhaging too much blood, but I could not save everything. I'm sorry, Bella, but you will never be able to bear children."

I heard his words, however remembered feeling nothing. The fact that I couldn't have kids wasn't nearly so shocking considering the person I planned on spending eternity with was not ever going to be able to get me pregnant. Undead vampire equaled no sperm count. Perhaps it was shallow of me, but my main focus then was on the dark pink claw marks stretching across my lower abdomen. I stared at them while Carlisle continued to examine my body. "What about these?" I asked pointing to the mangled mess of skin that had once been my stomach.

Carlisle quickly draped a sheet over me, so that I could no longer gape, "Those can only be taken away by a vampire's venom. When you are ready to be changed your skin will harden over those scars and they will no longer exist."

"Bella, is everything alright?" Jasper asked, his voice jolting me from my reverie, pushing me back into the present.

"Um … yeah, hey, can you go get me a Coke from the vending machine I saw in the lobby?" My mind was racing to find a way to get rid of him somehow and this was the first idea that came out of my mouth.

"But, we could just order room service. Bella, please come out of there." Jasper's voice sounded patronizing, which did nothing, but exacerbate my feelings of inadequacy further.

"No, I really want a Coke and it has to be from the vending machine. That drink just tastes better when it's bottled." I hoped my voice didn't sound as whiny as I heard it in my ears.

Good God I was begging him to get me a drink from a machine that was several floors down … if that wasn't the request of a spoiled little brat than I didn't know what was. I wanted Jasper to be able to sense my apprehension through the door and understand that I just needed him to leave the room. I didn't really want a drink and maybe he knew that. If he was perceptive he would go along with my ruse simply so I could have a few minutes alone to gather my courage.

"I'll be back … with your Coke." Jasper sighed and then I heard his footsteps slowly recede towards the room entrance where they disappeared completely behind the click of a door.

At that sound, I felt myself release the sigh I wasn't even aware I had been holding in. Then with my back against the door I slid down to the tiled floor. The panic that had been keeping me prisoner for the past few minutes relinquished its hold and for a moment I felt calm. Although, this wasn't going to last long and I knew it. I could count on Jasper moving at a human pace while others of my kind were around, but even so this didn't buy me much time. I had to get a grip.

_Pull yourself together! You're overreacting!_

I tried to will my self confidence back by repeating this mantra over and over all to no avail. Calm was escaping me and the dread of my disfigured body returned. How would I handle the situation when Jasper came back? I couldn't stay in this large bathroom forever and if I came out it would eventually lead to both of us taking our clothes off. I thought about this for a second and the image of naked Jasper warmed me, but not enough to take away my fear.

I was about to give up all hope and just assume a life of celibacy when I thought of one person … one individual who had been there for me no matter what and had always tried to steer me in the right direction. I quickly exited the bathroom and went straight towards my purse which had been tossed onto the bed earlier … right before I ran away to hide. I reached for the handbag and pulled out my phone to find my friend's number in the list of contacts. Then I hit send.

Two rings came and went before a familiar voice said, "Hey, Bella … I'm surprised you're calling. I figured you would be busy right now." The way Angela phrased the term busy made me cringe, because _being_ _busy_ was exactly what I had been avoiding since entering the suite.

We both had discussed the probability that Jasper would more than likely make his first move towards continuing our physical relationship while on this trip. Of course, I knew the main reason in coming to Philadelphia was to scatter Alice's ashes, but he had also booked us a lavish room. My friend had even gone along with me to purchase some sexy nightgowns as opposed to bringing my worn out sweats and T-Shirts with me.

"Actually … that's why I'm calling you." I admitted.

"What?" Angela laughed obviously confused as to how she could figure into my sex life with Jasper.

"Well, you see …"

_(Jasper POV)_

I walked back into the suite fully intent on waiting for Bella all afternoon and into the night if I had to. I realized not long after leaving to retrieve her Coke that whatever was going on with Bella's emotions, my presence and constant tries to convince her to take a step away from the anxiety she felt was pointless if not intensifying those negative feelings for her. It was necessary for me to be understanding and let her come out whenever she was ready. I only hoped that Bella would do so soon. It was agonizing for me to sense her anxiousness and not understand exactly why it was there.

Only upon entering the room, I saw that the door to the bathroom was slightly ajar. I laid her drink down on the nightstand next to the bed and walked over to inspect. Had she finally come out while I was gone? "Bella?" I spoke tentatively as I approached the bathroom.

"Behind you." She said and I whirled about to see her walk out from the tiny kitchen nook, wearing only a bathrobe.

The girl was blushing and her long lashes shaded her flushed cheeks. "Nice." I said gesturing to her attire hoping my voice sounded genuine.

"Compliments of the hotel." Bella replied shyly.

I couldn't help the smile that pulled at the corners of my mouth as I watched her in her slightly flustered state. I had always considered Bella beautiful before, when Edward had first introduced us and then later when we became closer, but this Bella, when she was timid and shy was so endearing. I had to force myself from moving swiftly to take her in my arms and kiss her like I wanted to. Instead I reached out emotionally to see if she was still as apprehensive as she had been before and although, I felt shyness but the anxiety was gone. As I sensed her emotional field I also became intensely aware of other attributes … the sound of her breathing, her sweet feminine scent, and the warmth that emanated from her body towards mine were all rather distracting and arousing.

But, even though my need for her was intensifying by the second, I still waited for her to make the first move. It was imperative that I let her feel that she was in control of the situation. Although, not too much time passed before she read my signals of desire. I could only imagine that I was failing miserably at keeping my libido from seeping out onto her. Bella began to slowly move towards me until she was close enough to touch my face softly. "Hi," She sighed, lifting her eyes to mine.

Another word did not need to be spoken, because what Bella was emoting was enough love and sexual desire to tell me that she wanted exactly what I did. I wasn't sure what had changed during my short trip outside of our room, but I wasn't about to question it. Even though I had been very careful around her since she first awoke from her coma that didn't mean my desire to be with the girl had dwindled. I wanted her intensely and I could barley contain the urge to pull her over to the bed and drink in everything she was.

Bella sighed pleasurably as I gently placed my lips against the side of her neck and when she offered her lips for a kiss moments later I was sure to be tender, careful, as if it was our first. For all the passion I felt, I needed to show Bella that I was willing to wait until she was ready. If this was all she was able to offer right now then I would gladly take one kiss. She was my life, my love, and my very existence. All was centered on this one girl, and I was going to reside with her for the rest of my immortal life and beyond. We certainly had time to work on moving beyond just kissing.

When our lips drew apart, I heard Bella whisper into my ear, "Remember the last time we were … uh … well, you know … _together_? Anyway, you mentioned maybe taking a shower to keep our bodies warm?"

"I do recall that." I smiled, wondering what she had up her sleeve.

She moved her mouth softly against my ear and then nibbled the hard skin of the lobe, "I drew us a bath … thought it might help." Her voice tried to hint at being seductive, but I could still hear the shyness in the undertone.

I chuckled softly and when she moved her face to smile back at me, I couldn't help, but kiss her. Although, this time when our lips met all caution was left behind on both our parts. Her mouth was soft against mine and when I parted my lips she mimicked with the same passion. My hands went around her pulling her further into my body and Bella reached to place her arms around my neck. I could hear the blood beginning to race through her veins and the way her body molded against mine so perfectly made me tremble slightly.

Encouraged by her response, I began to undo the tie of her bathrobe. After the slit exposing her body was revealed, I placed one of my hands against the terry cloth material and pushed it aside to show off her two perfectly round breasts. As I continued to kiss her mouth, one hand reached out to cup the soft skin of her breast while the other traveled slowly downward to find the area between her legs. I barely had time to register the familiar feel of her hardened nipple against the palm of my hand before Bella drew away. This one action of mine was like a light switch turning off in Bella. She instantly recoiled from my touch, her fingers hurriedly trying to find the tie I had undone.

I hardly knew what to say to right the situation. The girl was obviously out of sorts at my forwardness. I had judged her emotions all wrong. She may have wanted me, but her desire had clouded the fear which still laid below the surface just out of reach for me to detect. I opened my mouth to apologize, but Bella stopped me, "No, no … don't say anything. This is my fault … all mine. I just … I just don't know why I care so much."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

Shaking her head back and forth slightly, she reached out and took my hand. "Come here," She finally said and led me over to the bed.

Bella sat down on the edge and gently pulled on my arm until I joined her. Then bringing her knees up to hug against her chest, she sighed heavily. I wasn't sure if she even wanted me to touch her. These turn of events were all very confusing but, I needed to ease the chaotic emotions I felt pulsating from her, so I gingerly reached out to place a hand under her hair. Then I ran my fingers slowly from the base of her neck up through the threads of silk until I reached the top. Bella turned to glance sideways at me and sighed again, but this time the sound had transformed from a frustrated exhale of breath to one of pleasure, "Thanks," she smiled. "I always love it when you do that."

I smiled at her in reply all the while debating whether I should try and push my own feelings of uncertainty aside, so that I could use my ability to calm her. In the end though I thought it best to let her feel her own emotions, so that I could grasp a better understanding. "Bella, can we please talk about the elephant in the room?" I ventured as my hand continued to massage her head.

The upward curve of her lips slowly turned downward into a frown, "I'm sorry. This really is my fault. You haven't done anything that wouldn't be expected of a boyfriend. This thing that's bothering me is really stupid and Angela even told me I was acting crazy for letting this one thing get to me. I mean I know you would never care about something so trivial. I know this and still I'm freaking out."

"You talked to Angela?" I asked surprised.

Bella nodded "I called her while you were out."

I chuckled softly to myself at hearing this. I had also considered doing the same thing during my detour outside of the room. My reasoning was that if anyone could help me gain some insight into why my girlfriend was acting erratic then it would be Angela. She had been there for us both in the past and was closer to Bella than any other human. At any rate women were such hard creatures to figure out, they always had been for me, but what I did know was that they trusted their girlfriends with their secrets and apparently I was right, "What did Angela tell you?"

Bella licked her lips nervously and turned to look away as if she were embarrassed, "Angela told me how wrecked you were during my coma. That when she saw you it nearly made her cry and anyone who stayed by my side through that wouldn't care about something like …" Her voice trailed as she edged herself off the bed and into a standing position.

"Like what?" I had no idea what Bella was talking about, but I had an inclination that she was about to tell me.

Her mood was osculating between fear and love. She was afraid to tell me, but also loved me enough to trust her secret with me. I watched as Bella moved directly in front of me and with both her hands reached up to pull away the bath robe until it fell to the floor in a heap around her legs. The girl now stood in front of me, her body completely bare. "My scars … I was afraid of your reaction to them." She gestured to the area around her torso that had been damaged by Sam's claws.

I had seen them once before as Carlisle was operating on her, yet even then I had stayed my distance. I may have become somewhat immune to the scent of Bella's blood, but I never wanted to tempt fate … especially when it concerned the one I loved. Now the marks had faded somewhat as opposed to what I remembered seeing the night Bella was attacked. Back then they had been torn flesh seeping red. Of course, she wouldn't have remembered what they looked like then, so for her to be so worried about how they appeared now didn't seem as ludicrous to her as it did to me. The damage had improved tremendously. Carlisle had done wonders on her and still she was afraid. After all this time she was uncertain of my love. How very silly, but also very consistent to what I knew about her. She was always feeling inadequate against the perfection that being a vampire presented. I thought I had beaten this fear in her, but apparently not all the way. I had to show her now that I didn't care in the least what her body looked like. I only cared that she was alive and still the Bella I had come to love.

Pulling myself to my feet I stood directly in front of Bella, "Have you forgotten that you aren't the only one with scars?" As I talked I quickly removed the short sleeved polo I was wearing and tossed it to the ground next to Bella's bathrobe.

The girl's hands quickly went up to cover her mouth, "I'm sorry, Jasper … I didn't even think. How insensitive of me."

I reached out and grasped one of her hands to pull Bella closer to me and then I rested her palm against my chest. "Each of these marks I carry with me for all eternity and don't forget I remember your reaction to them the first time I took my shirt off for you. I was self conscious as well. I was afraid to show you these, but you accepted me just as I do you."

Then quickly I fell to my knees, wrapping my arms around her torso so that my lips could kiss the marks against the soft skin of her stomach. "I don't care about these. I only care that you are here with me and will be with me for the rest of time. Do you believe me?" I asked my mouth continuing to caress her skin, slowly trailing upward until I found her breasts, giving each one ample amount of attention.

"Uh … yes." Bella sighed, her voice overcome with emotion.

"Good." I smirked having finally reached her mouth again and then placed my lips over hers.

The anxiety Bella had been feeling quickly dissipated from her body as our mouths eagerly formed against each other and I only sensed hunger now … a strong desire that matched my own. Her breasts molded against my chest, and I found myself running my hands over her back down to the curve of her bottom. I grasped tightly and pushed her closer against me, my hips grinding against hers. Then suddenly Bella's hands pushed slightly against my chest to separate our bodies, "What?" I mumbled, but stopped once I saw what her intentions were.

I watched with anticipation as her hands touched the front of my jeans and skimmed over the fabric to take in the feel of my arousal. "It's actually quite better with the pants off." I teased and Bella laughed.

"If you insist." She smiled yanking at the button and pulling the zipper down.

I shrugged out of my jeans and boxers as quickly as I was able and then surprised Bella by scooping her into my arms and laying her on the large bed. Her eyes were wide with shock, but then passion returned to her dark brown irises and she moaned softly as I joined her on the bed, kneeling between her legs. I spread them and lowered my body, holding myself up with one arm against the pillow Bella's head lay upon and then gently I guided myself into her. She gasped at first, but then sighed, a wet smile on her face. I resisted the urge to move quickly. It had been so long since I felt the girl this way and I wanted to savor the feel of her body joined with mine.

"Jasper." She moaned and I smiled at the sound of my name upon her lips.

"Yes, Bella?" I replied as I began to move with a measured pace inside her.

"Don't forget. I drew a bath for us."

Despite all the joy I felt I had to laugh at her words, "Yes, afterward I promise to wash your hair … and maybe some other things too."

Then I buried my head into her neck with a groan as I pushed further and harder. Bella responded by wrapping her legs around me, becoming more vocal with each movement I made ... just like I remembered. My rhythm increased leading us both towards a shared climax and through it all I thought of her… the one woman in all of creation meant for me. I had been given a second chance at love and had fallen completely.


	57. Epilogue

In the years after my attack and the months I spent in a coma, many stories grew as to why Sam dragged me into the woods that night intent on taking my life. For a time something resembling the truth was told, a story about how his hatred for The Cullens drove Sam to kill anyone that befriended Jasper's family. This unfortunately had included Jacob and I always sighed heavily when I thought of what my friend had sacrificed in order for me to find love again.

As time passed though, the tale developed into a sort of twisted love affair between Jasper, me, Sam and Jacob. Mostly high school aged kids spread this gossip around and I tried to ignore the stares and whispers every time I came home during breaks from college. It didn't seem worth the time to try to stop them from thinking what they did, because I knew in short time I was going to be leaving the town of Forks. The others involved in the scandal weren't speaking either particularly, because two were dead. Jacob had been killed by Sam and to defend my life Sam had been shot … multiple times. By whom I wasn't sure. I never asked. I liked to spare myself the details of that horrible night.

I tried to be a good sport about the absurdity of all the gossip by laughing at it. In my case it was a necessity considering the guilt would have eaten me alive otherwise. I knew it wasn't my fault … any of it, Alice, Edward or Jacob, but the irrational part of my psyche that tended to be a martyr had the need to feel punishment for Sam's actions. He had killed them all in my name. But, then Jasper of course always felt the distress I emoted and would hold me in his arms helping me through it. My boyfriend knew how to take away my angst which was amazing, since he still had so much of it left inside him too. We were able to heal each other just as we had in the weeks after Edward and Alice's deaths. The pain we experienced from our situation with Sam was able to dull somewhat while together and as each day passed and I moved through the motions of my human life, I knew that my decision to have him change me once we both graduated from college was the right one. I never second guessed it.

And when that eventually happened, I knew it would be a long time before I could go back to the life I once knew as a human. After our impromptu wedding on the beaches of La Push, I waited a year and then while on a trip to Galveston, Texas the boat Jasper and I had been sailing in went missing and when it was eventually was found all indications pointed to us drowning together, although we hadn't. After swimming for the better part of a night, well, Jasper swimming with me in his arms, we found ourselves in a tiny Mexican village and this was where we stayed. The actual events of my change are lost to me save for the pain, but once I pulled through and awoke to find a relieved Jasper staring down at me with his deep amber eyes, I knew I was safe.

We live there now … my vampire husband and I and Jasper promises to take me back to Forks and that I will eventually see Charlie again. It is something we discuss regularly, although, I have to admit I don't lack for company. His family comes and visits often and I am grateful for that. It is nice to have them around and Rosalie and I have become quite close. There are also the constant texts and calls I receive from Angela. Jasper promises we will see her and Ben again too.

Time moves forward slowly for a vampire and I find that I have a lot of moments where I sit and think and although, most of my past is now hazy in retrospect I still go back there often. I think about my life's journey to the point of where I am now and what I have gleaned from it. I learned along the way that love can break you in the cruelest of ways, but then it can also bring you back from the brink. Jasper granted me the wonderful gift of a second chance, and I will never fail to love him for that.

Forever.

* * *

**Author's Note** - So there you have it. I hope it was to your satisfaction. Now I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who had a hand in this fic, because even though I wrote it I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gotten this far without you all. Your reviews, your betaing, being a sounding board for my ideas. It meant so much to me.

Thank you Aly and Touchstone (Val) for convincing me to take this story beyond just a few chapters. Thank you anythingzombie and TRDancer for being with me from the start and reviewing each chapter. Raven, you too. DayAnnCullen, Cloudyday thank you for your beautiful lyrics that I was able to use in Bella's song about Jasper. I'm sure I am forgetting A LOT of you and I'm sorry. It doesn't mean that your reviews meant nothing it just means I have a horrible memory. lol

I really don't know where I will go from here. I have my other Jasper/Bella story that I will probably start work on later. Right now I need to take a break from fanfiction, but I promise to return. Also sorry if there was any confusion about me deleting my twitter account. It had nothing to do with any of you and everything to do with me trying to manage my time better.

Hope to see you all again.


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